back to article PARIS team to tackle the ultimate post-pint snack

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  1. Andus McCoatover

    IT angle?

    That'll be the chips. I think, on reflection, I'd rather eat afterbirth...

    But, what's in a name? Just applied for a job here where they use microwave to measure water content of 'biosolids'. Turds, to common folk, from compacted sewage. They call the resulting putty-like 'product' - cake. Shudder.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Some job

      ...and you applied for that? There's obviously a secret you're not telling us. Maybe one of the perks includes...

      ...no, can't think of any perks a job microwaving crap would offer.

      1. andybird123

        easy...

        money?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      "They call the resulting putty-like 'product' - cake. Shudder"

      Please tell me that you're NOT working for Mr Kipling....

    3. ian 22

      Gives new meaning to..

      "Let them eat cake" (pronounced cak in some places).

    4. Rattus Rattus

      re: "They call the resulting putty-like 'product' - cake"

      Nah, that's gotta be a lie.

  2. TeeCee Gold badge
    Alert

    OMFG!

    That looks like it's just been shovelled off the pavement outside a kebab shop.

    The last thing to produce the queasy feeling that picture caused was the corkscrew section of the "Colossus" at Thorpe Park.

    Until today I thought that selling recently vommed on crap as food was unique to McDonalds......

  3. MarkB
    Badgers

    Low(er)-fat alternative

    We bash our chicken breast, pork tenderloin or deboned pork chop flat with a rolling pin, coat with egg and panko crumbs, then bake them. Serve with griddled courgettes or baked sweet potato chips - Yum!

    (Badgers, because that would probably be delicious too)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @MarkB

      I prefer the less lower fat alternative:

      Slice the pork thin (you could roll it or bash it but I find it quicker and easier to slice), coat with egg and golden breadcrumbs and then shallow(ish) fry them in oil until slightly crispy.

      Server with lemon and your favourite vegetables. It is a kind of take on the Wiener Schnitzel idea but without torturing the animal first.

      1. david 63

        Turkey breast slices...

        ...always beaten flat and breadcrumbed and shallow fried. Breadcrumb twice for the best results. (egg-breadcrumbs-egg-breadcrumbs-fry)

        Veal is my first choice though, Segala veal raised sur mere.

  4. PartTimeLegend

    Food?

    That looks like vomit. I actually think I'd die if I was near it.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      eeeeek run away

      you delicate little flower, you

  5. bettername

    Regional cuisine?

    As a Southener (with a 'boro missus) my best tip? Avoid! Although it's hard when you pass pubs with "Thursday nite is Parmo nite!" plastered outside.

    They do also have a "London Pizza" (that's kebab meat and chips on a pizza) - but that's a whole other story leading to a North/South fight...

    1. Spider
      Thumb Up

      Another cultered southerner on Teesside!

      Couldn't agree more. Originating from that mecca of understated culture, Essex, and continuing my missionary work in bleak wilds of Teesside I can confirm that this abomination is best left alone. The basic recipe involves flattening the fillet by throwing on the floor and rolling a fat geordie lass upon it until it acheives the required shape.

      God how I miss proper kebabs....

      (and yes I'm only this brave because she who must be obeyed - a native - doesn't read el reg...)

      1. JasonW

        A Geordie Lass?

        Clearly a tourist in Middlesbrough. Which reminds me of this description of a Victorian occupation, long-since consigned to the annals of history....

        "*Dung Boy..

        This was the lad who swept up animal manure off the streets using a pan and brush. He then slung it into a bin. Locally, these bins were taken to a spot near the coast where they were shamefully allowed to pile up higher and higher. In time, the mountain of stinking ordure grew so big that some bright spark in Whitehall decided to give it County Borough status and call it Middlesbrough."

      2. Paul A. Walker
        Thumb Down

        Geordie lass?

        Try again - if you're from Teesside you're a smoggy, not a geordie!

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    South of Watford™

    The north/south divide is generally, I have always understood, regarded as Watford Gap service station, which is another 60-odd miles up the road from Watford.

    This is no petty semantics - it spares thousands of people the indignity of being 'northern'.

    1. Chris 15
      Coat

      HAH

      Amen to that! As a proper southerner i have had occasion to live up in the norvern wastelands, and it's not fun...

      Flameproof coat, natch.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Happy

        Scotch Corner

        Can't be any worse than 'Scotch Corner'...which is nearly 100 miles from any corner of Scotland.

        Many a time I've travelling up thinking.."Ah, Scotch Corner...home soon..". When in fact, I'm practically still in the midlands.

        1. MrT
          Thumb Up

          Isn't Scotch Corner...

          ... called that because it's usually where the invading Scots gave up and went back home?

          I know they got a bit further a few times, but the call of the haggis as it roams free (clockwise only, obviously, because the anti-clockwise ones are mute) around mountains in the far reaches of the Great Glen doesn't carry much further than Catterick Garrison ;-)

          1. Marcus Aurelius
            Go

            Scotch corner

            ..is a junction on the Great North Road (A1), where traffic to Scotland had to decide if they were heading to the West Coast or East Coast, due to the fact there weren't that many roads or British Snail/Network Rail around at the time.

            Or perhaps its where you asked yourself "Have I still got 300 miles to go? Better have a Scotch then..."

    2. Pete B
      Grenade

      Works both ways

      Also saves thousands from being labeled as Southern Gits.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    chicken fried steak

    Sounds a bit like something I once had a US diner ... decided I wanted steak but was put off the standard steak by the fact that it came with 3 eggs which seemed excessive and chose and alternative of "chicken fried steak" ... this turned out to be steak fried in breadcrumbs with a white sauce on top ... I rapidly regretted not facing up to the eggs!

    N.b. its not just steak that can be "chicken fried" as I believe that "chicken fried chicken" is an alternative.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Surprised

      Given the septics legendary calorific meals, I'm surprised it wasn't a massive steak wrapped in cheese and whole a chicken, then fried. Then covered in cheese. And fried again. Then served with chips and mayo. And cheese. And maybe something called "Salad". With cheese in it.

      Did I mention the cheese?

    2. disgruntled yank Silver badge

      well,

      Chicken-fried steak, as far as I know, is a Texan invention, though I used to see it at cafeterias in Colorado. I don't think the white sauce on top is standard.

      "Chicken fried chicken" is not in fact an alternative. State health department uniformly require human cooks; shabby as some of the restaurant kitchens are, their hygienic standards are far above those of the coop.

      1. hplasm
        Coat

        Once, in a diner I saw

        a Man Eating Chicken!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      RE: chicken fried steak

      The "white sauce" is called country gravy. Usually the CFS is bigger than the plate! Served with a side of mashed po-tay-toes topped with country gravy. Washed down with a large iced tea, also topped with country gravy*.

      *Ok, I made that part up about the tea.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    beer goggles

    To all the posters saying "yuk", remember how the eyesight and appetite is affected after ten pints. Be that Newky Brown or one of the "Cockney wanker"-style brews.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      title

      Surely you meant "dog" not newky brown (tho I wonder how they can be allowed to still call it Newcastle Brown Ale when it's now brewed in Gateshead), I question your northern credentials! :P

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Pint

        northern credentials

        But, but, but, I was born in Kent.

        Tunbridge Wells actually, so it's banana dacquiris for me when I want a skinful before my kebab-style early death meal. Not.

      2. Richard IV

        @AC 09:52

        It's not even brewed at the old Fed brewery in Gateshead any more - try Tadcaster.

        By the end Scottish & Newcastle should only have been called "&"

        1. MrT
          Pint

          Lots of beers AWOL...

          Tetleys shut their Leeds brewery and move some to Tad and others to ... Marstons. Gah!

          Still, look at the mess S&N made of Theakstons - Black Sheep FTW. Riggwelter's nice if you fancy losing the feeling in arms and legs.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: @AC 09:52

          "By the end Scottish & Newcastle should only have been called "&""

          Don't underestimate the eventual influence of those Soho-based creative people and their branding exercises!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Newky brown

      ...I survived one night on this. Never again. It's lethal and toxic.

      The UN did me for un-sanctioned use of aerosol nerve-agents the next day and for permanently contaminating the sewer system.

  9. Richie 1
    Thumb Up

    Advanced parmo eating

    Try a bolognese parmo (basically a standard parmo with a load of bologense sauce on top), or a hotshot parmo (standard parmo + pepperoni and a sh*tload of jalapenos).

    They are best consumed with the cheapest white cider that you can find.

  10. JDX Gold badge

    Ugh

    Go for a Northern Delight pizza instead.

    Thing is, done by a chef a parmo would probably be quite nice.

  11. matt 83
    Thumb Up

    if you like this kind of thing

    Try the taco fries from the Abrakebabra in Dublin. (say "yes" to pink sauce and cheese when asked!)

  12. Piezor
    Flame

    You brave souls

    Perhaps the environment we live in makes us immune to the potential aftermath of a pebble dashed toilet. It will certainly be an interesting experiment.

    There is a little variety for the more adventurous parmo consumers among you in the form of the Mushroom Parmo, The Hot Shot Parmo, The Bolognese Parmo, or, for the man with a serious death wish, there is the culinary equivalent to a tactical nuke - The Parmo Pizza Pie; a 7" or 10" parmo or your choosing on a pizza base available from Mighty Bite.

    I heartily recommend a Hot Shot with galic sauce.

    I salute you brave southerners. Rest assured that nearest hospital is only a 5 minute drive from the town centre.

    Fire because, well, get a loo roll in the fridge lads.

    PS. do not make the mistakes of other visitors to our strange shores and order a full parmo. This will surely kill you. Only get a half :-)

  13. fluppet

    Pizza Parmo

    You've missed the pizza parmo which is a parmo served on top of a margherita pizza, can feed a starving student for a week.

  14. Robert Heffernan
    Pint

    Parmo??? Try a Parmy!

    Take 1 large chicken breast and cut it through the center butterfly style so it opens out into a large chicken slab.

    Dip chicken into a beaten egg and completely coat with egg.

    Coat the egg/chicken completely with breadcrumb.

    Heat a fryingpan with a small amount of oil and cook the chicken completely browning both sides.

    Once cooked, apply bolognaise tomato paste to one side of the chicken, add a piece of bacon (and if so desired a ring of pineapple, it's optional) and top with shredded cheese.

    Put the resulting pile in the oven and cook until cheese has melted and started to brown.

    Serve immediately with a side of chips, vegetables or salad.

    1. koncordski
      Coat

      @robert heffernan

      ...or a salad. Bless you. It's like obese people ordering a big mac meal with a diet coke.

      1. Danny 14 Silver badge

        well

        strip the bacon and cheese and its not too bad for you.

        1. andybird123

          anything in breadcrumbs...

          is still quite bad for you, the breadcrumbs soak up quite a lot of fat

          bacon and cheese aren't that bad for you as it's "natural" fats, where as most people will probably fry in "vegetable" oil which is high in trans-fats which are the new satan sauce apparently

          ditch the breadcrumbs, keep the bacon (my new motto)

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Happy

            @ andybird123

            I think the (very general) rule of thumb is that at room tempature, fat that is:

            - solid = bad

            - liquid = not so bad (almost good, in certain quantities)

            - still moving = very bad

            - glowing = very, very bad.

            - solid, still moving and glowing = best just avoided altogether

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Joke

        Re: @robert heffernan

        "...or a salad. Bless you."

        Robert Heffernan is obviously Doug Heffernan's healthier brother.

    2. Robert Heffernan
      Thumb Up

      Aussie Parmy

      The reason I posted this recipe is it's a damn sight healthier than the Deep Fried, mass of cheese stodge mentioned and pictured in the original article. It's also what you get for the most part in Australian pubs.

      The bacon on top is not a whole strip of bacon, just the eye piece, it has little fat, lays flat and is smaller than the chicken portion.

      The cheese is to taste, if you want a lite healthy parmy, use low-fat cheese and a smaller amount.

      As for the breadcrumbs soaking up the oil, I use olive oil when I cook it, no need to use any of this heart-clogging vegetable oils or lard, fat or dripping. You DEFINITELY do not deep fry it.

      1. Cpt Blue Bear
        Thumb Up

        South Aussie parmy to be exact

        I was under the impression that this was a South Australian thing. The rest of the country regarding us as "schnitzel eating freaks" to quote a bar manager of my aquantaince who hailed from New South Wales. Mind you, the last time I was in Melbourne I spotted a sign outside a pub advertising "parmas" so it may be spreading. The same pub advertised Coopers on tap.

        If you are in Adelaide, get yourself to the Earl of Leicester Hotel in Parkside. They do one of the best in town. Don't order a liar size unless you are mad - one of those fed three of us.

        Oh, and don't use bacon, use ham.

  15. Dan Price
    Pint

    The pinnacle of drunk eating

    Round (west midlands) here we've got the doner meat nanzza - a nan bread half the size of Wales topped with tomato sauce, mozzerella and doner kebab meat. Lovely after a pint or eight.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      nanzza

      So named because they're not for nanzza-boys?

      Is it lunchtime yet?

  16. Bassey

    Looks revolting

    For a proper Northern Delicacy, try Chips, Cheese and Gravy (and it must be crappy chip-shop gravy. None of that proper rubbish).

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Joke

      Or try a Wigan Kebab

      "Meat" pie* on a buttered barm cake (roll, bap, whatever you sof southerners call them!)

      Best not to ask What "meat" exactly

      1. Code Monkey
        Thumb Up

        Pie barm

        Now you're talking!

  17. The Real Dave
    Pint

    Half measures

    I'm reliably informed by a Smoggie that what you have in the picture there is a, so called, "ladies parmo" - i.e. it's a half parmo, a normal parmo would fill that box.

  18. Mr Larrington
    Unhappy

    Shut up...

    ...you horrible gets! I'm bloody starving and it's still six hours while dinner time.

  19. Neil Paterson

    Soft southern sh***s!

    There's way too much protein in those, sounds positively healthy. What you need is a deep fried battered pizza: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deep-fried_pizza

    1. andybird123

      or...

      deep fried mars bar

      positively farking disgusting to eat by the way

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Top That ...

      A Munchy Box

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchy_box

      1. MrT

        Next time in Aberdeen...

        ... order a "buttery".

        Think of that bit in the Simpsons where Homer wraps a waffle around a half-pound block of butter... it even leaks through grease-proof paper.

  20. Danny 14 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    After a night out

    Cant beat a good egg banjo (or a midnight mouth organ kebab)

  21. Mike Richards Silver badge

    It'll be hard to beat the Canadians

    They have poutine - greasy chips covered in cheese curds and then gravy. It's hard to describe, except that similar things, only less fatty, were being washed ashore along the Gulf of Mexico last year.

    There's a horrific close-up on everyone's favourite fact-free zone:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poutine

    1. ElReg!comments!Pierre

      You stole my comment!

      Yes, poutine is arguably the best post-pint(s) snack ever. Anyone pretending to the contrary has clearly never been drunk in the street at 4 AM by minus 40. It's not a matter of taste, it's a matter of survival! For taste, you can have a poutine with added bacon or "pepperoni" saussage, or even, in really "fancy" places, a lot of other things (ground beef, chicken, etc).

      Of course it's consumed mainly during the winter.

      Also, about "parmos", I thought the name came from the town itself, not the cheese... I could be wrong.

  22. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Ultimate post-beer take away

    [you are now arriving in Reykjavik, please ensure your seat is in the upright position]

    Follow Miklabraut westbound past the city airport until it turns to Hringbraut; the BSI bus terminal is on your right. Take the short road to the car park behind the terminal where you will find a small take away (offering a drive through service if you are very lazy) selling burgers, pylsur and the like. But you want to go for the special...

    Half a sheep's head with chips and cocktail sauce.

    No, that's not an onion in the eye socket...

  23. Inspector71
    Thumb Up

    Heaven is.....

    Across the border, in the "real" north, large white pudding supper from the chip shop, washed down of course with ice cold irn-bru.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    since I once went to a Middlesbrough boozer in the company of a local lass

    You wer lucky, I spent six months there, or more precisely at the ICI plant in Billingham in the mid 80s end never saw a parmo. Is it a recent invention?

  25. phuzz Silver badge
    Pint

    Food?

    Down here in the south west we don't eat food after a night at the pub, we go for more cider!

    (and wouldn't this north/south divide thing be better termed the 'home counties vs everyone else' divide?)

  26. Cihatari

    One from some Italo-scottish-east european place in Edinburgh

    I had the pleasure of trying this one out two or three summers back.

    Ediburgh style cheeseburger and chips:

    Take one frozen beefburger, one cheese slice, dip in batter, then deep-fry the resulting frankenstein creation.

    Then when done, serve with chips. (The chips are properly beef-fat fried.)

    http://www.lalbadoro.com/

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Happy

      "The chips are properly beef-fat fried."

      Hmm, I remember many moons gone buying chips in Scarborough. Those were fried in proper beef dripping.

      There was a slight chill in the evening air and the bloke I was walking with ahead of the group held up a chip, turned to me and said: "I particularly like the way that it forms dendrites of fat as the cold air hits it.". <eats chip>

      Me: "Mmmmmmm. Yummy." <eats chips>

      Group within earshot behind: "OMFG!" <Retch. Vom. Chips in bin. Etc.>

      1. Simon Round
        Thumb Up

        "The chips are properly beef-fat fried."

        The local chip shop cooks all their fish and chips in beef fat (or dripping). They have a small domestic deep fryer at the back with Veggie oil in just in case a vegitarian comes in but I don't think it gets much use.

        The batter on the fish comes out a lovely deep brown colour and tastes devine.

        Their portion sizes are huge and I think they get more daily trade than all the other chippies in the town put together.

        The beef dripping way is the only way. Mmmmmmmmmm.

        Shame in on a diet. I now fancy fish and chips for tea tonight. Going to have to convince our lass.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wusses the lot of you

    Real men eat bread and dripping...

    ...without the bread.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    Parmo??

    That's what they are called? I think I once saw one of them attack Captain Kirk in a Star Trek episode. That was after it killed the crewman in the red shirt.

    1. MrT

      ;-D

      http://andywibbels.com/images/expendability_star_trek.jpg

  29. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    You've all got it wrongish!

    As fun as such a domestic north-south conflict may be - i've been served so much bad food all around (it's not grim up north only) that I don't really care. Let me bring in a continental and, from my point of view, more desirable recipe: the Cordon Bleu.

    Take either two thin veal schnitzel or cut a pocket in a thicker one and fill it with two slices (or one folded) of smoked ham and in between the ham some cheese (Gruyère or Emmental), press it together, turn it over in flour before dipping it in egg and bread crumbs. Then deep fry as usual.

    On the plus side, it's delicious. On the other plus side, it looks delicious too.

  30. Winkypop Silver badge
    WTF?

    Oh, where do I throw up?

    Too late, it looks like someone aready has.

  31. Rattus Rattus

    WTF?

    The mere thought of most of the foods people have been mentioning makes me feel a bit ill. All that grease... <shudder> I eat salads, vegetables and lean meat by preference, why am _I_ the one who's a bit overweight? Is that fair, I ask you?

    1. Evil Auditor Silver badge
      Coat

      No, it's not fair.

      But stop whining, you lardy bunch! ;-)

      It's a very, very simple formula of weight gain: energy input > energy output. Says the slim one.

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