back to article CATS to be saved by BLASPHEMERS after the RAPTURE

In case you hadn't heard, Judgment Day is pencilled in for 21 May and any Christians among you who hadn't made provision for your pets' wellbeing after the Rapture had better pull your fingers out before you take your place at God's right hand and your poor moggy is left stuck here on Earth staring at an empty bowl. Make no …

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  1. DrBobK
    Happy

    Looting

    Bad facebook people are also organising Post Rapture Looting...

    1. Version 1.0 Silver badge
      Happy

      On the other hand

      If there's any justice in the world, God will take the pets and leave the Christians.

      1. Paul_Murphy
        Joke

        Noooooooo......

        >God will take the pets and leave the Christians.

        Please take them - they cause nothing but trouble here.

        ttfn

      2. Nigel 11

        The original typo

        GOD ... DOG ... ?!

        1. DrXym Silver badge

          All I can say

          Well Christians where is your Dog now?

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I deny the holy spirit.

    Can I have my $135 now?

  3. Anonymous John

    But...

    Do you get your pet back on 22 May?

  4. Lloyd
    FAIL

    Is it Rapture time again already?

    How many Raptures is that they've had now? Every one passes uneventfully.

    1. Nigel 11
      Pint

      World's end

      The reason there are many pubs, and even places, called the World's End. All the unrepentant sinners gathered there on the promised last day, to enjoy their last opportunity at enjoyment for, er, all eternity thereafter. When the day passed uneventally, they re-named the pub.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Orly

        Pubs called the Worlds End and The last Drop tend to be next to the sites of Gibbets. A ghoulish joke on the convicted who made them a lot of money in the days of public execution.

    2. Marvin the Martian
      Flame

      Newsflash: RAPTURE HAPPENED -- very few Christians affected.

      It's just that the number of eligible Christians has been almost zero.

  5. Liam Johnson

    September 2004

    So how do we know there was no rapture? Maybe most people just didn't make the grade.

    1. hplasm
      Happy

      Hmmm.

      That's where the weirdos go when they disappear...

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    God can't be everywhere

    This will be a busy time for God, he'll probably outsource the locating of his followers to Google so he'll need to ensure their servers are up, running and unaffected by the surrounding chaos. Maybe it was God who commissioned location tracking for this very purpose.

    1. James Hughes 1

      Good God Man!

      Don't you know that God is omnipresent? No need for GPS when you are everywhere at the same time. God has never EVER been confused by bad signage at the Bushy arches (for example). Sort of like Quantum theory, probably.

    2. JeepBoy

      erm... yes He can

      Santa Claus manages to be everywhere in the world on a single day... I'm sure an omnipotent being such as God can manage the same trick.

      1. Disco-Legend-Zeke
        Thumb Up

        Photons...

        ...do not experience time. They attach to time, like a rider on a streetcar.

        Matter is bundles of photons, dancing in specific orbits. The indivitual photons within each particle continue to attach to time, but cannot travel with time because other photons are being pulled by time in other directions. Thus, to a rock or human, time "passes." Another effect we feel, is that a bit of time becomes held back by all the "hooked on" photons, creating the feeling of gravity.

        A universal superbeing would need to be composed of photons. Individual photons can be very big, certainly as big as the universe. A being made of photons would experience all the universe, but would experience time in a Santa Clausian fashion.

        But, just in case, I have created a PayPal button on my home page to take care of the adorable doggie.

      2. MJI Silver badge

        Santa

        No he is just extremely fast - substantial fraction of the speed of light.

    3. asiaseen

      A job

      for Jobs?

  7. Dr Dan Holdsworth
    FAIL

    This has happened before...

    I have a vague memory of seeing a programme concerning some eccentric Texan oil millionaire, who was utterly convinced that on the millennium, treasures would be found in some part of Israel. He was therefore trying to buy up huge areas of what to all intents and purposes was useless desert, to the complete bemusement of the Israeli government (who were pretty sure it was completely worthless, but were unable to bring themselves to sell to a foreigner who might, just might know more than they did).

    Anybody remember the guy?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: This has happened before

      I doubt Israel would be worried about selling land to anybody. If they wanted it later they'd just send in some settlers, win win.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Wooot!

    Less than a week until we can be rid of one of the more annoying (and often down-right offensive) segments of humanity and get on with living our lives. Please Please Please.

  9. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
    Coffee/keyboard

    Note to self: get waterproof keyboard

    The people who cooked this up must have thought: "I have a plan so cunning if you gave it a tail you would call it a weasel!"

    This is such a brilliant way to get money out of people. Even if the believers in the rapture wake up rather bemusedly on May 22, you can still say: You simply paid an insurance premium, we will pay out (in the form of pet care) when judgment day does arrive.

    1. Suburban Inmate
      Unhappy

      My thoughts exactly!

      "Damn!!! Why didn't I think of this?"

      Stupidity is truly the most valuable of all mineable resources.

  10. Mr Larrington
    Pint

    How are you gentlemen?

    You have no chance to survive make your time?

    Sorry.

    1. Hooch181
      Thumb Up

      "Somebody set up us the bomb."

      Lol...

  11. Christoph

    They don't need to save the cats

    Come the rapture, Ceiling Cat will summon his faithful to him.

  12. Denarius Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    A marketing oportunity in Oz

    And we are afflicted with someone claiming to a god, insisting we are doomed, doomed in 2012 who for once, is not a greenie alarmist or Obamas treasurer. Now there is a "save the pets rescue offer" market.

    Nice to see some humour taking the mickey out of the so serious devotees of a recent belief, say only 150 years old.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Cough up

    I'm an atheist and I'll happily look after your pet cats after you have been lifted up the heaven by zombie Jesus.

    I will however require a retainer to help pay for the outfitting of my post-apocalyptic cat haven to keep your moggie safe and the hordes of Satan and the undead out.

    1. Version 1.0 Silver badge
      Happy

      Other services are available ...

      Just ask them for their bank account details and deeds to their houses - they won't be needing those either will they?

      For an added fee you could offer to update their Facebook status and erase the porn from their computers.

      1. Roger Varley

        Other Services are available

        You won't need the additional info. Post enrapturement, you'll know that they're not going to be in.

    2. Havin_it
      Paris Hilton

      Perhaps I can help

      I'm doing a special right now on Satanic Horde Repellent. Four cans for a fiver, ten for a tenner. Lifetime guarantee!

      Also whether intentional or not, the phrase "up the heaven" is full of win. I just have an image stuck in my head now of Jesus turning up in a rickety Routemaster with a fag hanging out his mouth, saying: 'Op in then.

      Will Paris be "taken up the heaven"?

  14. TeeCee Gold badge
    Joke

    Save yourself 10 bucks.

    Presumably, by definition, there are no Customs officers in heaven.

    Therefore, when taken by the rapture, just stick your cat under your pullover and smuggle it in!

  15. SW
    Alert

    Why just the pets...?

    I imagine that there might be some marriages (civil or otherwise) that might well be of one Atheist and one Christian.

    I ask you - what happens to the Atheist that is left behind - who's going to look after them? Who's going to ensure the fridge is stocked up and the phone-bill paid (else we cannot order in our pizza)?

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Can they look after my pet?

    He's quite unique what with his 'seven heads and ten horns, and on his horns ten crowns, and on his heads a blasphemous name'

    Answers to the name Mr. Sprinkles.

  17. Disco-Legend-Zeke
    Pint

    All Your...

    ...Basset are belong to us.

  18. DrXym Silver badge

    Don't worry

    Raptures always arrive in threes. If you miss the first one, catch the next one along.

    1. Stoneshop Silver badge
      Coat

      Obviously ater waiting aeons for one to come along

      So, does this mean the Rapture is run by London Transport?

  19. Ken Hagan Gold badge

    Oh ye of little faith

    It seems that modern Christians no longer have faith that their God has thought of everything. And if you have so little faith, you'll be left behind on the big day. So you can take care of your pet yourself you miserable sinner.

    By the way ... is it a sin to extract cash from gullible fellow-believers?

    1. Nigel 11
      Go

      Sin to extract cash ...?

      I don't think so, as long as you take the money in good faith and genuinely care about pets. You're offering someone peace of mind, which is a much better product offering than, say, Windows Vista and a pre-installed crapware bundle on a PC with 0.5Gb RAM. In the unlikely event of the Rapture during the pet's lifetime (or yours if shorter), with both yourself and the insured pets being left behind on a survivable earth, you'd use best efforts to look after the pet(s).

      It's a perfectly ethical insurance policy. Unless you get a lawyer to write it, and he puts in the usual disclaimers about force majeure and acts of God. Hmmm, must find out, where and what did Dante envisage for lawyers?

      1. Colin Millar
        IT Angle

        @Nigel

        I was wondering what the IT angle was

    2. Naughtyhorse

      is it a sin to extract cash from gullible fellow-believers?

      Are you for real??

      That is THE founding tennet of christianity - 'theres one born every day'

      not to mention the LEAST worrying interperataion whe a cardinal shouts 'bring in my devoted suckers'

  20. Elmer Phud
    Alien

    Pedantic?

    "take your place at God's right hand"

    Lester, I'm baffled over the term 'God's right hand'.

    As, it seems, most of various gods followers are promised a seat which leads to one or two questions both of which seem to require a multi-dimensional solution.

    Either God (faith not specified) has an infinite number of right hands or the 'One True Hand' is more akin to an electron with its ability to be in all places at the same time. If, though, there is one God and one right hand in a standard 3 or 4 dimensional set up (we'll ignore the others) won't there still be fighting between all the millions and millions of 'chosen few' as they bicker over who has the right to be on the right hand.

    All I can say is thank fuck (I have more personal experience of that than any god) I'm left handed.

    1. Marvin the Martian
      Boffin

      All can be there at god's right hand.

      It's just not said how many others are stacked above or below you.

      1. Version 1.0 Silver badge
        Happy

        Wankers

        I know what I do with my right hand and laugh every time someone want to shake hands ... not so sure that I'd want to be at Gods right hand - well, not unless he'd washed it first.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Gates Horns

      Perhaps it's a translation error.

      You not AT his right hand, but taking the place OF his right hand.

      Well if certain preists get lonely (see today press, re: Italian priest +drugs +kids), who's to say thier god doesn't have the same trouble.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "God's right hand"

      Not a problem - you're assuming God is standard human size. As creator of the universe he can have a right hand 1000 miles across if he wants to - so plenty of room. Or, being dead and therefore insubstantial, everyone would fit on the same spot. Mind you, I doubt that there would be sufficient qualifiers to make it an issue.

    4. skeptical i
      Pint

      But if the hand of god has a ring about the size of Texas ...

      ... (as Soundgarden once supposed) that hand ought to be big enough to accommodate the Truly Worthy. Or a ginormous pint while the bickering worthies are punted to the cheap seats near the right elbow.

      1. NoDosh
        Headmaster

        Ginormous pint?

        That would contain about, ooh, lemme see, errr.... a pint?

        Sorry. Been wanting to use the pedant icon for ages.

  21. Stevey
    Thumb Up

    What time ?

    Any idea what time on Saturday? Only I'm supposed to be going to a Christian wedding that day, and it would be handy if we could arrange the rapture before, say 10am please, just so I don't waste the whole day..

  22. The Beer Monster
    Coat

    So...

    Does that mean the Christians all have to leave their magic fish behind as well?

  23. jake Silver badge

    As the old saying goes:

    "A fool and his money are soon parted"

    Or, if you prefer, "idiots abound" ...

  24. Andyman
    Happy

    Never Going to happen

    The raputure simply can't happen. Sure God may be omnipresent but it would be an administrational nightmare. Plus as I recall heaven only has one guy on the door.

    Though I'll hold off buying a present for my sisters birthday on Sunday just in case!

  25. David Barrett

    Signed up.

    Well thats me signed up.

    Should there be a rapture Ill have a nice list of fresh meat for at least the first few weeks..

    Or as I put it on the form:

    Question: How many pets can you handle?

    Answer : 3 a day as long as theres ketchup.

    Any one fancy a BBQ on the 22nd?

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Terminator

    Weren't we here a month ago?

    As a godless machine I thought all this was meant to happen a month ago, April 21st.

    Except we were supposed to nuke all the humans.

    Seems Skynet messed up, again.

  27. Captain TickTock
    FAIL

    They're screwed..

    ...they've invited people to guarantee their damnation.

    I'm sure the Lord will be well impressed...

  28. The Fuzzy Wotnot
    Happy

    Oh bloody 'ell Baldrick!

    I had planned to pack the Missus, the sprogs and their various friends off out for the day on Saturday so I could have the house to myself to erm, review some "arty" TV programs , what with the end of the world coming that's that gone for a Burton!!!

  29. Graham Bartlett

    You mean...

    I can haz raptorus cheezburger?

  30. stucs201
    Flame

    Er, slight problem...

    aren't cats traditionally associated with witches? I seem to recal the bibble being quite specific on the subject of witches, so I don't think cat owners should be expecting any rapture...

    (Flame? For dealing with the witches obviously)

  31. codeplexx
    Go

    hmm...

    This is one of those 'expect the unexpected things'... since the rapture is by definition unexpected, it can't really be expected, can it. So, the mere idea that some Christian will expect it at that date, will almost ensure that it doesn't. However, if they expect that it doesn't, because some expect that it does, than of course, it might.

    In any case, I'd keep the money.

    1. Alex McKenna

      Monty Python moment

      nobody expects the Inquisition...

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Dammit

    All this talk of 'Rapture' has got that Blondie song stuck in my head now.

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Harold Camping

    This is Harold Camping's second attempt at foretelling the end of the World. As the Bible says - get a prophecy wrong and your out, so I shouldn't worry too much about his claims since they are certainly not Christian. You might want to note as well that Jesus himself said that no one knows the date, so Harold is hardly a Christian to emulate.

  34. Lyndon Hills 1
    Thumb Up

    re slight problem

    In Egypt cats were considered to be gods, or closely related anyway,.

  35. Bill Fresher

    Yawn

    It's only a very small amount of mainly fundamentalist christians who believe in the rapture.

    Catholics certainly don't believe in it. The “fundamentalist” interpretation of the Rapture doctrine has been rejected. It shouldn't be taken literally.... John Paul II: “We know that the apocalyptic images of the eschatological discourse about the end of all things should be interpreted in light of their intense symbolism.”

    Not that this should stop people who worship themselves from insulting everyone who follows a religion.

  36. peyton?
    Coat

    Could be like Dogma

    Since that whole 'unforgivable sin' business is not part of Catholic doctrine, if they're right, these atheist pet-sitters could be dragged into heaven anyway. To paraphrase Salma Hayek "Leave it to the Catholics to destroy.... any chance of kitty getting fed."

    Course, it could be all part of the divine plan. "Locusts" and "pestilence" could have been a mistranslation of "vindictive cats" and "smelly litter boxes."

  37. Winkypop Silver badge
    WTF?

    So, how do you become god then?

    And why so vindictive?

  38. Inachu
    Pint

    LOL!

    Reminds me back in the days of 1980 Mike warnkie was on christian talk radio and would get call-in to his show ridiculing him.

    Mike Professed to be an ex grand dragon of some satanic cult turned christian and Harlod Campings show came on after Mikes crazy show.

    Harold gave 5 other times not just 1 other time that the earth was to be doomed very soon.

    It was a major let down when Y2k came to pass and nothing happened.

  39. Neil Bauers

    May 21st is World Geohashing Day,

    Click this map to find your nearest hashpoint and experience the rapture.

    http://irc.peeron.com/xkcd/map/

    Look up the wiki to find out what the hell geohashing is.

  40. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Whatever next.

    Hackers apparently stole all my creditcard details from PSN

    Every Android phone leaks data

    The world is going to end on Sunday..

    Whatever is this world coming too.... Full of nutjobs that write any old crap.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bah.

    Personnally I don't believe in the Rapture, at least not in the traditional sense. I think the whole thing is based on misunderstanding a few Bible verses dealing with the second coming. But even if I did I could guarentee it's not going to happen on May 21 based on a single verse.

    "But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son,[a] but only the Father."

    So basically if someone says it's going to happen on such and such a day and truely believes it then that's not the day. Too bad though. I've been looking forward to Christ's return most of my life. I'd be ecstatic if I actually believed that day was less than a week away.

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: Bah

      Interesting line of argument you've got there, but it confuses "truly believes" with "knows" so it isn't actually valid.

      It's kinda like how you don't *know* whether they truly believe it or not. You just believe they do.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thanks, El Reg!

    Now I know what Doonesbury has been about for the last two days.

  43. Beelzeebub
    Flame

    Er, no stop!!!

    I can't handle the influx down here either.

    I'd better have a word with him, we used to be pals once.

  44. Bucky 2
    Pint

    Remedies?

    Okay, so what remedies are the faithful proposing should their predictions be proven false and the rapture DOESN'T happen on Saturday?

    May I humbly recommend a departure in the venerable tradition of the Heaven's Gate faithful? I mean, they've provided for kitty anyway. Seems a shame to let all that planning go to waste.

  45. Michael Dunn
    Joke

    Volunteer vets

    Who will take care of the Papal Bulls?

  46. truth

    blasphemy

    this word is used by people who are crooks,want make their fellowmen their slaves and make them lick their feet, enjoy all vices with impunity,commit all crimes without punishment and amass money and power and enjoy the warmth of the throne for ever thinking and pretending they are super humans.hell with such crooks.the only religion is love,truth and justice for all beings.this is not achieved by imposing any false dogmas by religious crooks. keep away from all preachers from the pulpit, who boast the keys of the kingdom are with them ,they are the wholesale agent of god.they are always gnashing their teeth are as they feel insecure.

  47. Rhiakath Flanders
    Jobs Horns

    OMFG

    I still believe that the most incredible, stupid, absurd things to be said or done, are done in the name of religion.

    This is one of them...

    Who says that a christian can't take his pets with him?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      re: Who says

      Some old book, apparently.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Belief.

      Is there any difference between the very few Christians who believe in a literal interpretation of the rapture, and the people who believe most Christians believe in a literal interpretation of the rature?

  48. Peter Storm
    Coat

    Yes

    I've got rapture insurance because I do a lot of heavy lifting...no, wait, maybe that's rupture insurance.

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