back to article Vanilla Ice to tackle panto Captain Hook

In highly-improbable celebrity news, Chatham's Central Theatre has announced that its Xmas panto this year will feature Vanilla Ice as Captain Hook. In what promises to be a real theatrical treat for residents of the City Of Medway Medway Towns, on the north coast of Kent, the 43-year-old Texan rapper is set to strut his stuff …


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  1. min


    all rappers grow up...except one?

    what a pity, Mr. Ice, i'm afraid we've lost all our fame...

  2. The Fuzzy Wotnot

    Well done Reg!

    Yeah rubbish white rappers playing traditional panto villians, that's a new one on me....and you're 24 hours early too! The 1st is tomorrow, nice try!

  3. Alien Doctor 1.1


    don't anyone tell him what a panto is; I'd love to be a fly on the wall (with HD camcorder) when he goes to first rehersal.

    1. Elmer Phud

      Standard Panto

      "Your singing career - it's behind you!"

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    London, hmmmm

    "I have some cool news! I will be coming back to the UK to star in the new hit play Peter Pan in London. Hope you all can come to see it ..."

    Google (Maps) Is Your Friend, dear boy.

    It would be uncharitable to suggest beggars can't be choosers so I won't

  5. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

    It's evident from the quote...

    ...that he thinks he's going to be in London - he's got a nasty surprise coming!

    I wonder if he's made anything off of that Halifax ad?

  6. irish donkey

    Played Under Pressure to my girlfriend

    She started singing Ice Ice Baby.

    Looking for a new girlfiend now.

    1. Cameron Colley

      Is she deaf?

      Everyone knows that Under Pressure goes "dum, dum, dum, dum, duh duh dum dum" and Ice Ice Baby goes, "dum, dum, dum, dum, duh duh dum dum" in a completely different way.

      1. Rasczak

        It is different

        Under Pressure, well the original anyway, is dum dum dum duh duh doo doo, dum dum dum duh duh doo doo.

        Ice Ice Baby is dum dum dum duh duh doo doo, da dum dum dum duh duh doo doo.

        There's a whole extra da in the middle there and that is why he tried to claim it was original.

        I still remember the first time I heard it, while building a radio from bits whilst doing electronics at college, and in amongst the crackles, hisses and whistles I heard something I thought I recognised, then the (c)rap came along and I thought noooooooooooooooooo.

        Of course the Keane version of Under Pressure on the Radio 1 40th anniversary album has the extra da in there, and the least said about Jedward the better really.

        1. Cameron Colley

          "da"t was it...

          My post was actually an attempt to paraphrase an interview with Mr Van Winkle about the similarities. The "da" comes on the off-beat so is just slight embellishment with no real relevance to a plagiarism allegation.

  7. jai

    Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly

    who knew that the line "check out the hook while my dj revolves it....." would be so prophetic

    i shall be looking forward to seeing him "rock a mic like a vandal" and "light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle"

    1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      And what about...

      ...that pound of bacon?

  8. Rich 32

    Chatham, wherever that is...

    Really? Doesn't it have a slightly famous dock?

    1. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: Chatham, wherever that is...

      That's a dock? Isn't it amazing how much smaller iPods are these days?

  9. There's a bee in my bot net

    Am I the only one who thought...

    ...this was a good opportunity to go and heckle him?

  10. Anonymous Coward

    Oh come on

    He seemed like a really nice, down-to-earth guy on Dancing on Ice...

    Anon, cause like I'm going to admit to watching that to the rest of the internet?!

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Oh come on

      Real men admit to watching girly trash telly.

      1. TheItCat


        us girls, however, prefer not to be associated with that crap.

        Not anon so you can all see I don't watch Celebrity Dancing With Maria On a Desert Island Factor. or whatever it's called these days.

        1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

          Re: But...

          Oh! A girl! Hello! Sorry, just haven't seen one around here for about four months.

          1. Joe 3

            Real feminists...

            Real feminists (or egalitarians) don't refer to adult females as girls, especially just after referring to adult males as men.

            As a word pair, "guys / girls" is okay I reckon, as is "boys / girls"... but "men / girls" - surely you can see how that's demeaning to women?

          2. Blake St. Claire

            @Sarah, Re: But...

            Really? There's no mirror in the loo?

  11. Graham Marsden

    Oh no he isn't...!

    Hmm, let me repunctuate that...

    Oh no! He isn't...?

  12. Tony S


    "Ice is a huge name who I am sure will be a real draw for parents and children alike."

    Most kids won't have a clue who he is. Most of their parents will be too embarrassed to admit to their kids that they know who he is.

    Still at least it's not real theatre, darling.

    1. MJI Silver badge

      Parents hate him

      "Who is he?"

      "He wrecked the song Under Pressure"


    2. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Really?

      He had a hit with Jedward a couple of years ago, so I reckon quite a few kids will know of him.

      1. MJI Silver badge

        What is a Jedward then?

        It is something on ITV?

      2. jai


        also was awesome on the Bloodhound Gang's track Boom!

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Thumb Down

        Very, very sad.

        Wasn't that with the same rip-off song that he had a 'hit' with last time?

        The works 'pony', 'one' and 'trick' leap to mind...

  13. Naughtyhorse

    Ice is a huge name

    ice is a hughe knob

    there! fixed it for you

  14. Anonymous Coward

    It's London if you want to impress someone while lying

    As an ex Medway resident I can confirm it's as shit as it sounds, though being a 50 minute commute from London it was handy till I moved to the big smoke.

    However, this is not the first story I've heard of this. Was in Bournemouth last year on a stag do as, as you do, ended up in Spearmint, didn't fancy getting ripped off so sat chat talking to one of the girls who wasn't "up for working that night". She explained that was doing this till she goes to Uni in London in September, I said oh I'm from London where are you living "well it's just outside central London" "oh right where about?" "oh you probably won't know it" "ah try me" "It somewhere called Gravesend"

    For those that don't know, Gravesend is about 10 minutes closer to London then Chatham. I explained that I knew where Gravesend was as I was from near there and she had been telling her friends a few porkies to which her response was "Yeah, but it sounds better though doesn't it" fair play, I mean saying "Hey girls, I'm leaving my stripping job to go live in a shit hole called GRAVESend which is an hour from London" wouldn't sound too great.

    I would point out that some (sort of but not majorly) famous people have played at the grand venue of Tap 'n' Tin in Chatham, think it was Pete Doherty after he left prison if I remember correct. Harry Hill also seams to "big up medway" occasionally on TV Burp

  15. Anonymous Coward

    PMSL - from Wikipedia

    "Robert Matthew Van Winkle (born October 31, 1967), best known by his stage name Vanilla Ice, is an American rapper and home improvement television personality."

    rapper AND home improvement television personality

    1. MJI Silver badge

      Home Improvements

      Just like TIm "Buzz Lightyear" Allen on the short lived ABC1 channel.

      1. Rasczak
        Paris Hilton

        Tool Time

        ABC1 as a channel here may have been short lived, but Home Improvement ran for 8 years in the US and has been shown on quite a few channels over here. It was also responsible for bringing one Pamela Denise Anderson to mainstream TV, playing tool girl Lisa.

        1. MJI Silver badge

          But were they Free To Air?

          I first saw it on ABC1 - and managed to watch the whole lot, and I think 3 series of Scrubs.

          The rest of the programmes were rather poor unfortunately.

          1. Rasczak

            Free to air?

            First shown in the UK on Channel 4. Either in the 6:00 slot that The Simpsons is in now, or at half past when Hollyoaks wasn't on 5 days a week IIRC.

  16. MJI Silver badge

    Will David Bowie and Brian May be there?

    Flinging bricks at him.

    ***** song wrecker.

    <---- Should be

  17. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    never never

    Rap music: for those who find air guitar too demanding.

    Perhaps somebody can recruit Eminem for the Widow Twankey?

  18. frank ly

    Chatham Changes Your Perception

    I once spent six months of 1999 working in Chatham; staying during the week and driving home on Friday evening. Every Friday evening, I'd marvel at how 'pretty' my home town was (by comparison). Working in Chatham is an eye-opener.

    1. Chris Harries
      Thumb Down

      Depends what your baseline is

      I'd say it's as shit as a lot of shit towns in England. I moved from Medway to Stoke on Trent for 9 months for work, and I found it largely the same except Stoke had a casino and Medway doesn't, that and everyone calls you duck in Stoke and I was token southerner

      1. Lionel Baden

        just from the names

        You moved from somewhere called medway to stoke on trent

        Both names dont inspire alot of confidence of a nice rural town.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          No but...

          No, but alas the job was good and years later I'm still glad I done that 9 months. Of course I left that job, came back and moved to London which was the real aim

  19. Jim 59
    IT Angle

    Christmas wrappers

    And this commentard asks "and the IT angle is ?"

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Christmas wrappers

      And the moderatrix hove into view and that commentard was never heard of again.

      1. Anonymous Coward

        What's the deal ?

        Is to see who can shoehorn as many southern English towns into the debate as possible ?

      2. Blake St. Claire

        ...hove into view...

        I'm reasonably certain that If I were to use that phrase – in the company of other women – to describe the approach of another woman I'd probably be black and blue all over in a matter of minutes.

        Pirates, because their ships heave into view too.

        1. Chika


          I tend to heave when ships are involved too.

          btw, anyone know whatever became of the Sheppyscum site?

  20. Slartybardfast

    Ice Ice Baby


    Maybe they could get Hook's ship to hit an Ice Ice Burg.

  21. Dan Beshear

    Isn't TOMORROW ...

    April Fool's Day? Sounds like someone is getting an early start on it. No peeking, leave the present wrapped until 0000 UTC at least, it's only 8 more hours.

  22. Joe User
    Thumb Up

    He's so white, white baby

  23. Sceptical Bastard

    What has this story taught us?

    1) Vanilla Ice is an ageing wigger knobhead

    2) Chatham, Gravesend and Stoke are generally considered to be shit-holes

    3) We should NOT mess with The Moderatrix

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