“What’s this?” the Boss snaps, pushing several sheets of paper over the desk at me in an annoyed manner. “Ah! Memo two thousand and eleven dash one dash one,” I reply, “workplace resiliency.” “Yes, I can read the title, but what is it?” “It’s a memo outlining the things we should be addressing for systems and networks …
It' how every multinational company works: Better use established stupidity procedures than invent your own. This way, when sh hits the f, external consultants can take your money without having to write their own nonsense documents (but reuse existing ones). The cycle begins again, everybody is happy and got their money.
Saved the world another day and all that...
About 2/3rds of this is completely true.
The number of times I hear people recommending sub optimal solutions because they know the customer won't pay for anything more.
You've got to hit them with the gold plated option and when they decline it's their decision.
If you take the decision from them, they sue you for saying that taking a USB disk with all the company's data home every night was a secure off site solution.
Pushing people down a lift shaft for not taking holiday is probably not something I'd immediately link with that policy. Particularly as it's normally me who ends the year with 90% of my holiday allocation.
"You've given me some ideas about our backup plan."
If your company somehow makes the "error" of approving the plan: Make sure to name an external consultant as the responsible party for making it all work. And since it was your boss who approved the plan, you pretty much know who the two fall guys are going to be...
The last bit recalls my grade ten math teacher who, apart from being an excellent math teacher, also taught excellent math above and beyond the curriculum. One of his little nuggets of wisdom concerned car insurance and liability. The thrust of his argument was, to avoid future premium hassles in the event that you deliver a crippling injury while driving, be certain to back over the victim a few times to make sure they're dead.
Come to think of it, most of Simon's columns remind me of that story...
And unfortunately the truth is, you are almost invariably better off killing a person than maiming them in any situation where your intent is not malicious.
Another nugget from a serving police officer. When using a gun for self defence do two things: fire every bullet in the gun and loose your memory of the event.
A while back now a security guard was accosted just after she got into her car. Her assailant had her in a headlock through the window. She was able to reach her gun on the back seat and shot him.
IIRC she was slammed with a number of charges relating to using the gun when she was not authorised to do so and failing to secure it properly. And to really screw her over, her assailant was able to successfully sue her for compensation for his injuries.
The only thing more tragic than this being true is knowing you are the one person howling at the moon trying to make things better in a company run on these principals.
Luckily the line "feed him absinthe till he thinks he’s Conan the Barbarian" turned the tears of despair into tears of laughter!
...if the company already has QUADRUPLE redundancy UPS and diesel generators.
Being that company a nuclear power plant....
OTOH, the backup plan is pre-approved and won't cut in your current budget.
The off-site storage is one continuously printed alarm log of the entire NPP operations. Yeah, it sucks to scavenge for tripped alarms... 3 days after they took place, even if some dork smoked a cigarette close to the mess hall smoke detectors... against the wind.
But I digress. Hell, it's Friday, pub o'clock. Good job Simon.
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