back to article BOFH: There's no 'I' in team, but there's a 'u' in suck

“Team Conference!” the Boss chips quickly in the door of Mission Control before moving on to other offices. “Welcome ... to ... THE MACHINE!” I murmur to the PFY. “Say what now?” the PFY asks. “The Machine. Like in Princess Bride. You’ll notice how management’s been conspicuously quiet over the past couple of weeks?” “I …


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  1. rdonnici
    Thumb Up

    Why took so long?

    Excelent post as usual, but why the long wait? Still recovering from the holidays.



    First POST!

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Why took so long?

      Ah, nothing so poignant as a failed firstie.

  2. Ned Fowden
    Thumb Up

    thank you

    so much time without an update, but it's quality .. .please don't leave it so long next time


  3. Andus McCoatover
    Thumb Up

    'nuff said!

    Nice one, Simon.

  4. eJ2095


    About time....

    So thanks for me Friday Smile

  5. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

    Back on form

    and no cattle prod in sight

    1. Chika

      Cattle prods in the workplace

      The only problem would be that you'd need a risk assessment to even commission one, then you'd need to have attended a safety training course on its use, then...


      I.. stand... corrected!!!

      1. Anonymous Coward


        You.. stand... corrected???

        After a jolt from the BOFH's cattle prod you don't stand for a very long time... PERIOD!!!

      2. Steve Roper

        And it's not ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAP!!!

        It's >KZZZZZZZZZERT!<

  6. Ben Tasker

    Nice One

    Made my friday!

  7. Chaosechoz
    Thumb Up


    The dull and somewhat listlessness Fridays are at very long end. Excellent form sir!

    However, can you account for the lack of content from back in December sometime? were you in fact abducted by aliens, did a drawing of the PFY come to life in some form of Fantasia-esq event and spring a surprise attack on your very person...

    Enquiring minds MUST know!

    1. Chika


      Enquiring minds just got an unpleasant view of the PFY prancing across the meadow in pseudo-Greek clobber, hullo clouds, hullo sky...

      Anyone want a beer? I need to forget something!

  8. Dr. Mouse

    He's back!

    I was getting withdrawal symptoms!

    Cheers Simon, top notch!

    (I! seem! to! have! come! over! all! Yahoo! today!)

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wot no cattle prod?

    No use of cattle prods but still good anyway!

    I was wondering if the BOFH was going to appear in 2011

  10. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
    IT Angle

    Agree with the air con

    Hate air cons, if its not in the server room its not an IT issue.

  11. Will Godfrey Silver badge


    First Friday I've not been forced to wo... wor... w.. (sorry just can't say the word) and we have a nice prezzy from the BOFH.

    Oh, and cattle prods are so last decade :)

    1. heyrick Silver badge

      @ Will Godfrey

      "Oh, and cattle prods are so last decade :)"

      Indeed. Surely we've upgraded to illegal import tasers by now. So small, so discreet, so vicious.

  12. Jock in a Frock

    @ ! Dr! Mouse!

    Stop! it! now!

  13. Smallbrainfield
    Thumb Up

    Nice work!

    and a genuine officelol, loath as I am to use that phrase.

  14. Anonymous Coward

    IT Problems

    The rule here is "If its got a plug on it, its IT", seems to include wired directly into mains as well.

  15. El Cid Campeador
    Thumb Up


    Worth the wait! Keep them coming.....

  16. The Gopher
    Thumb Up

    And they are off

    Off and running, into bookshelves, coffee mugs, dishwashers..

    Hmm I'm thinking it's been a quiet month as maybe the BOFH hasn't had any major issues to deal with as management has been away you know how they do like to take extended time off to recover after the last episode.

    Should it not be if it's got a PS/2 / USB / RJ45 / RJ11 / VGA / DVI port it's IT else it's not, that thus doesn't cover the bosses big HD TV unless it's a computer monitor, the kettle in the staff canteen, the photocopier unless it's a network printer to ...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward


      Yea, but the high dollar HDTVs all have USB/VGA/DVI and sometimes RJ45 ports (and of course, the more clueless will think that the S-Video port is a PS2 port!)

      1. zb


        Aah High Dollar TV, I always wondered what the HD stood for.

    2. Anonymous Coward

      You tailed off....

      A network printer to... what?

  17. ElReg!comments!Pierre

    Oh boy oh boy oh boy

    A new BOFH. It's already open in another tab but I'll just keep it there for a while before I read it, I'll just wallow in the warm and fuzzy feeling, knowing that a brand new BOFH will be waiting for me when I'm finally done debugging that #&!!@%$#! python script.

  18. Anonymous Coward

    What the Boss doesn't see

    Can definitely get you hurt.


    Anyone else think

    That Simon's work deserves a TV series? Or perhaps even just a new character on the IT Crowd called Simon - somewhat based on his antics....?

    1. Mike Smith
      Thumb Up

      Indeed I do...

      ... but the little problemette is getting the TV companies interested.

      I have completed a series of six one-hour episodes and I'm currently trying to sell them. As I'm not Nathan Barley, it's taking a while.

      If anyone out there works for a TV company, and is in a position to lock a script editor into the tape safe until they sign on the line, then get in touch! :-)

  20. bugalugs

    Is the sub-head

    worthy of some kind of award for wildly gratifying non-relevance ?

  21. Il Midga di Macaroni

    OH&S presents so many opportunities to the BOFH

    If the boss ever lasted long enough to learn from his mistakes, or if the higher-ups on the corporate ladder were a little higher up on the evolutionary ladder, someone would eventually decide that the BOFH and PFY really need an extra £10,000 a year expense account for safety-related items. For instance, six beers at each lunchtime would prevent users from annoying them, thus reducing user fatalities. It's a small price to pay!

    Also, the company safety manuals should be rewritten. The #1 rule of computing is DON'T HASSLE THE BOFH. It should be written in 36pt type on page 1 of the safety manual. And in 18pt type at the bottom of every other page.

  22. Rick Giles
    Thumb Up

    You had me...

    at "Team Conference!"

    Anytime the PHB wants a TC, there's always a blood sacrifice needed.

  23. Ron1
    Thumb Up

    Should not this be Episode 1?

    Again, a great one!

    But, sadly, we had to wait 1.5 months...

    In line with previous seasons numbering, I think this should not be episode 20 but rather episode 1 of 2011.

  24. D. M
    Thumb Up

    They will never learn

    with such high rate of bosses turn over, you'd think the "new" boss would learn a thing or two.

  25. Don Rickert

    Thank you.

    That's all, just thank you.

  26. Randomyachtie

    grin :) because it doesn't allow only emotes :(

    Wake up, Cold shower, No hot water

    Drive two hours to site, Realise left vital piece of equipment back in office

    Manage to cobble together kit to get job done without client noticing

    Complete an 18hr day

    Get home & a new BOFH is waiting! There really is a God :)

  27. ShadowDragon8685

    Faceplanted into a pallet of servers?

    That sounds like it's gotta smart.

    I wonder, though... Will they ever, eventually, hire a boss who's savvy enough to realize that his only course for continued employment is to let Simon and the PFY - and their precious budget - be in peace?

    What the heck kind of a story would that make? None, of course! The Bastard is Back! ^_^ I can't believe I've been reading for a year now.

  28. Camilla Smythe


    Shouldn't they have chain-sawed the offending shelves down to size, ignoring the stacked contents and thereby shredding them as well. Then tossed the air-con out of a closed widow thus creating air-con and offered whingy bloke a bottle of wash up liquid and a scouring pad, docked out of his wages, to set him up in his new franchise?

  29. Jesthar

    Can't believe I missed this for over a week!

    But oh, what perfect timing - just this morning I received a huggy feely e-mail from H&S central about how they've been looking in to exciting ways to communicate their vision and emphasise that we're all in this together and everyone needs to be engaged.

    Their grand idea? Yet another poster campaign... and the poster is bright pink with a 'zero tolerance to accidents' theme and a blank space to insert appropriate local messages and photographs to *really* encourage team engagement!

    Well, I addressed the engagement part easily by logging out of the phone system. That just leaves the poster insertions to take care of...


  30. snee

    I've so missed BOFH...

    Been so long I'd practically forgotten about it...

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