back to article Malawi poised to outlaw farting

Malawi is determined to “mould responsible and disciplined citizens” with a law banning the breaking of wind. The Local Courts Bill of 2010 is set to be presented before a forthcoming parliamentary session by Justice Minister George Chaponda. The legislation also targets ne'er-do-wells "disturbing religious assemblies", " …

COMMENTS

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  1. DRendar
    Flame

    LOL

    Queue much Southparkish Spontaneous Human Combustion!!!

  2. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coat

    particularly worrying

    for politicians and other wind-bags

    I'll get my coat

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    The politicians

    are obviously gunning for a monopoly on talking out of their bottoms.

    <- quick with the matches on that one

  4. John Tserkezis

    Expect to have them vanish real soon now.

    Population density is high.

    Infant mortality is high.

    Infection rate of HIV/AIDS and other infections is high.

    Life expectancy is low.

    And as the old saying goes:

    If you don't fart, you don't shit, and if you don't shit - you die.

    If is this their government's way of enforcing population control, someone should tell them this is 2011, and there are better ways.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Here...

    it would be taxed, rather than banned...

    1. Hooch181
      Stop

      Good Grief...

      don't give them any ideas!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Can you imagine the spin?

        The latest green tax on emissions...

  6. U4eA
    Coat

    Christ on a bike..

    Effectively corking peoples arseparts? Have these rectards not witnessed the god awful mess a seagull makes after its been fed bicarbonate soda?

    And for those readers of an RSPB persuation I should note that I havent either...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Seagulls = flying rats

      I don't think they even need Bicarb to make a mess...I'm sure the damned things aim for my car every day with a carpet bombing technique even Cmdr Harris would have been proud of.

  7. nyelvmark
    Stop

    A smarter move...

    ...would be to tax it. Whilst this wouldn't stop people farting, it would at least encourage them to be more discreet about it.

  8. Fluffykins Silver badge

    BOTTIE!!!!!!

    French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBUl7oT9sA

    1. Anonymous Coward
      WTF?

      Holy Grail Batman!

      Who the hell downvoted your beautifully crafted excerpt from the British comedy genius that is Monty Python? A French person? Someone with a complete sense of humour bypass?

      (Queue the 'one and the same' jokes)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Megaphone

        Probably...

        somebody who - like me - saw the post and groaned "Oh, god, another sad git who thinks that the height of wit is endless misquoting of snippets of a damn-near-forty-year-old film spin off of a TV programme that was starting to run out of ideas"

        I mean, Holy Grail was funny.

        When Cleese, Palin, Chapman, Idle, Jones did it. (Gilliam's bits weren't)

        The first few times.

        Now? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD... STOP! STOP NOW! NO MORE!

        And as for the Goon Show... <yawn>

      2. Stumpy

        Hmmm...

        A French person? Someone with a complete sense of humour bypass?

        ... aren't they one and the same thing????

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How will they enforce this?

    Will they use the "who smelled it dealt it" rule, or will the police patrol the streets with fart-o-meters?

    1. LuMan
      Megaphone

      Nope...

      I reckon they'll use the "Whoever denied it supplied it" line of judgement!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Joke

        Or possibly...

        Whoever smelt it dealt it.

      2. David Beeston
        Joke

        Or

        Whoever said the rhyme did the crime!

        1. Just Thinking

          Technically

          That is a rhyme itself

          1. Shades
            Pint

            @Just Thinking:

            I think that's the point, which just wooshed over your head. Are you down the pub already? (It is Friday after all!)

  10. Nick Galloway
    Flame

    Prison system, court time?

    I can see this is simply a job creation scheme for the Malawi court & prison systems. What happens if you let one loose while in prison, get denied parole?

    Clearly someone in their government have a great sense of humour!!!

  11. Storm Cloud

    fartless

    I'm guessing sales of fart apps are going to take a nose dive in Malawi then!

  12. hplasm Silver badge
    Megaphone

    Blimey!

    What do they eat in Malawi? Cyanide?

    <-arse trumpet

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    For real?

    There is no way that they will let this pass :-) It's just a lot of hot air.

    I have friends who have already planned to leave the country as soon as they got wind of this.

    Will they bring out a more severe law next year to trump this one...

    I could go on...but shan't

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's an old one

    "The legislation also targets ne'er-do-wells "disturbing religious assemblies", "trespassing on burial places", "insulting the modesty of a woman" "

    As in:

    "How dare you fart before my wife!"

    "Sorry, I didn't realise it was her turn."

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Investment opportunity

    You can't prevent it. Your only hope is to hide it. Expect increased demand for whoopee cushions.

  16. Christoph Silver badge

    That's going to hurt Heinz

    Beanz Meanz Fatrz

    How long a prison sentence do you get for being found in possession of a Jerusalem Artichoke?

    As mentioned above how will they tell who did it? It's well known that the silent ones are the worst.

    Though really if they are going to ban involuntary, unavoidable actions they should ban coughing which is known to spread diseases rather than fats which merely smell.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: That's going to hurt Heinz

      And it's quite likely any prisoner will have their sentance extending while farting in prison.

      I can just see the Tory's putting some fart meters into our bottoms, if you've paid your fart tax, your fart comes out smelling like one of those automatic air freshner type smells, no pre-paid tax would mean it would smell like you've eaten loads of beans and a extremely high fibre diet, causing British Gas to come around looking for a gas leak lol

      If we had it here, what if it like the smoking ban and you have to pop out in the fresh air to fart outside instead? Sounds like an idea to get out of doing a lot of work :-)

      1. Steve X

        Not quite

        The Tories would install a fart tax meter and bill you on the methane content, although you'll be able to sign up for EU fart credits which you can write off against income tax. Labour would set targets for farts, you'll be fined if you don't fart enough, and get ASBOs (Arse-Supplied Body Odour) for excessively smelly farts. The LibDems will insist that everyone be free to fart, but encourage you to choose your diet to be fart friendly, and will end up agreeing to install fart meters provided the tax is on a sliding scale linked to smell. The DUP will ban farting on Sundays, and Sinn Fein will expect everyone to light their farts in the presence of legitimate targets. The BNP will deport any immigrant caught farting in public.

  17. Bassey
    Happy

    Fortune Teller

    "those who pass the time by pretending to be a fortune teller"

    Presumably then, real fortune tellers will still be allowed.

    1. Sam Liddicott
      Thumb Up

      or

      Or those who pretend to be fortune tellers in a commercial capacity, instead of pretending merely in order to pass the time.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      RE: Fortune Teller

      ""those who pass the time by pretending to be a fortune teller"

      Presumably then, real fortune tellers will still be allowed."

      This just in, Malawi outlaws religion!

  18. BillboBaggins
    Flame

    If they brought that into the UK......

    They'd have to lock me up and throw away the key

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      and me...

      ...and the missus!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        and everyone else...

        Except the Queen, Stephen Fry and if he were still with us, Kenneth Williams

  19. jkozura
    Headmaster

    My uncle used to say...

    Every fox smells it's own hole.

    And my Grandma used to say...

    Better out than in.

    1. Darryl

      Best one I ever heard was

      If you hold in your farts, they'll escape into other parts of your system and eventually travel up to your brain.

      And that's where shitty ideas come from.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Evacuate

      Better an empty house than a bad tennant.

  20. tom 24
    Unhappy

    Surely you can't be serious!

    "...making it criminal is a joke of democracy."

    Welcome to the world of "representative" democracy. :(

  21. neil 15
    Alert

    better pack a bung

    Need to go there for three months. No baked beans for me.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    Safety

    Do they use candles to produce some of their lighting there? Ever seen what happens when you fart on a candle? It can be VERY impressive (and, somewhat dangerous, too!).

  23. Alain Moran
    Grenade

    beggin for a prankin

    Oh boy, those chaps in the Malawian government are just ASKING to have their lunches topped off with a dusting of farting powder, followed by (of course) what every right-thinking and decent Malawian citizen would feel is their partiotic duty - a quick call to the boys in blue to tip them off about the indecent & criminal activities of the ruling classes ;)

    Grenade because you can bet that politicians in Malawi dont have to go outside to smoke ... KABOOOM! (Guy Fawkes should have thought of this first)

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    YOU SHALL NOT PASS

    Anyway, as they used to say: First smeller's the guilty feller....

    Bean, Beans, the magical fruit

    The more you eay, the more you toot

    The more you toot, the better you feel

    So let's eat beans for every meal.

  25. Buzzby
    Flame

    Botty Burps

    Where you may be let your wind go free, church or chapel let it rattle was a pet rhyme of my ex. She came from the fens oooh arrr.

    Careful it is natural gas, and it can be lit. A backfire is a hospital job!!!

  26. Jean-Paul

    Better not go there on holiday

    I've got wind on the best of days, but if I am not allowed and had a nice goat curry better be careful.

  27. ideapete

    Farts are Free

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/Design/graphics/icons/comment/dead_vulture_32.pngWherever you be let your wind go free , cause the want of a fart was the death of me but when in Africa stick with a pee

  28. Stewart Atkins
    Joke

    How about...

    ... giving everybody one of those devices that convert all fart noises into Steven Wright jokes?

    (Its a family guy reference for those of you who don't get it)

    1. Astarte

      Toot Tone

      Stewart,

      I think you may be referring to this:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LvwYUnSoQo

  29. Charles Smith
    Joke

    Farts are not green

    There should be a global campaign to suppress farting. A lot of the released gas is methane which has worse greenhouse properties than carbon dioxide.

    Unless of course the methane is ignited to convert it to CO2 + water vapour...

  30. Winkypop Silver badge
    Flame

    Pull my finger...

    ...no, pull the other one.

    They must be pulling their leg!

  31. Youngdog

    It's a cultural thing...

    .. I have a mate who was raised in Zimbabwe and knocked about with Zulus growing up - apparently farting was the number 1 social faux pas and was considered the most offensive thing you do in front of another person. As he tells it 'you can shoot his dog, f**k his woman and burn his house down - but never fart in front if a Zulu'

  32. Arse Face

    Hmm

    I was really looking forward to a holiday in Malawi, but I don't want to go to jail for something I'm really good at.

  33. Doug Glass
    Go

    Banning Farting?

    Should be captured and used as fuel to make electricity. I can envision receptacles all over, maybe right next to water fountains and fast food places. Imagine the money to be made by mass producing the first commercially viable fart universal capture and kompressions system: FUCKS.

  34. TeeCee Gold badge
    Happy

    I say, that's a bit steep!

    It's bad enough being forced to nip out into the hall regularly when afflicted with unpleasant arse syndrome. Having to trek over the border into Tanzania every time the urge to drop a ripe snorter overcomes one could be considered excessive. For a start, you're unlikely to make it back before the end of the advert break.

    Just out of interest, does that count as business or pleasure?

    Likewise, finding that one's Zambian visa has expired just before a night out on the curry could be a bit of a downer.

  35. Dennis Wilson
    Boffin

    DNA

    Can DNA be recovered from a fart?

    1. Astarte

      Before DNA analysis was common - with Derek and Clive

      Here's a certain story http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/live_05.htm

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Women

    They don't fart, they don't belch and they don't sweat.

    If they didn't bitch, they'd explode

    I best get my coat before I get lynched.

  37. Walking Turtle
    Flame

    Nikita Kruschev to JFKennedy @ Historic Summit:

    "Every man loves the smell of his own farts." Indeed, 'tis so.

    So the malawian pols Do Not Love The Common Man's Farts. But surely the do love their own!

    Nature calls; no need to vote. All gone from here; I'll get me coat...

    Methane flame for reasons the same as for all the others. In farts all are brothers!

    And that is all! ;)

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