back to article BOFH: Who's been naughty and who's been nice?

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the workplace, Not a creature was stirring, not even a cobbled-together robot, fashioned from the remaining pieces of several other cobbled-together robots. Dressed in an elf suit. Two stockings are hung by the Boss' door with care, In the hopes that a bonus cheque soon …


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  1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
    Thumb Up

    It could only end

    in tears

    Hadn't used the halon in a while, had he.

  2. Tony Batt

    Merry christmas

    to your elf

  3. Tony Barnes
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    'kin brilliant!

    Excellent festive theme, nice work!

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon


      Couldn't have said it better myself, so I'll just repeat..

      Fucking Brilliant :D

  4. DI_Wyman

    It is..

    Friday and BOFH is here....splendid.


  5. OttoKatz


    Wow, just wow.

    Excellent stuff.

    Merry Christmas

  6. Anonymous Coward


    BOFH is verse? Must be that time of year again.

    Merry Chrimbo, to one and all.

  7. Isendel Steel

    Seasons Greetings

    Happy BOFHmas

  8. DM2
    Thumb Up

    Gold *

    Top notch!

  9. Simon Neill
    Thumb Up


    I feel the Christmas spirit.


  10. Richard North

    Bggr the beancounters...

    There's nowt like a bit of larceny to bring a little festive cheer!

    The murder is merely a nice little bonus.

    Merry Christmas Y'all - don't do anything I wouldn't do. >;-)

  11. Martin Glenn

    Why the censorship?

    Great made me chuckle, But why censor Sh*t and not Fuck-all?

    1. gabor1

      censorship? what's that?

      They show uncensored here, must be your merkin lawyers demanding sanitising scripts.

      1. Anonymous Coward

        Shows up okay here too

        So unless they've changed the actual story text, it's some outside influence tampering with El Reg as it gets sent to your computer (or as it's displayed)!

        Fuck-All won't be censored for the same reason that Scunthorpe isn't censored; it's part of a word. Fuck would be, though (that was typed uncensored).

    2. Kimberly Burgess

      Not Censored At All.

      I am in Las Vegas and it is uncensored here. You likely have a web filter editing for you.

  12. Anonymous Coward

    BOFH Rules

    I love the BOFH :)

  13. eJ2095


    Nice one Simon lol

  14. Nick L
    Thumb Up


    Top marks, nicely done. Nothing says Christmas like a little halon.


    Absolutely fantasic

    Best christmas present yet. Have a great one yourself!


  16. Will Godfrey Silver badge


    Crimbo will never be the same again!

    Without a doubt the finest bit of poetry I've read in many years

  17. Annihilator

    Love it!

    Merry Friday/Chrismas, Simon

  18. HollyHopDrive
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    such a lovely christmas tale for this time of year. And it rhymes, which is also nice.

    I may read that to the kids later. Don't want them becoming an accountant do we, and they are never to young to learn.

  19. H'arj Imladd
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    Sir! I salute you....Fantastic !

  20. Adam Fowler
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    Just utter utter Genius!

  21. Sandra Greer

    Lovely, lovely, lovely

    Made my day - 7:22 AM in NYC and getting ready for Friday. I'll smile (menacingly) all day.

  22. Smallbrainfield
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    stuff indeed.

  23. Cheeky Chappie

    Almost makes me regret.....

    being retired and missing the joys of the lusers - ALMOST!

  24. Kevin Fields

    How cruel, Simon!

    I know the economy is tight, but axing your staff at Christmas is nothing short of sheer horror!

    Can I borrow "Santa Elf"? There's a data center in Denver that could use a little of that Christmas cheer after us telecommuters found out we're being cut back to 18 hours a week because we overhired and don't want to lay off too many staff just in case our work production comes back.

  25. TheWhiteIdea
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    Absolutely fantastic...

    Beancounters + Droid = <fun> <excitement>

  26. John Stirling
    Thumb Up

    Ho ho ho

    Merry Christmas

  27. Chris007

    Bloody brilliant

    title says it all.

  28. Hornpout

    well done!

    After a rough week in the trenches there's nothing better than some holiday cheer, BOFH style, to brighten up a friday morning.

  29. Simon B

    Fantastic - have a beer

    Fantastic writing and here's a big cheer, BOFH is the best, on me here's a beer!

  30. ooral
    Thumb Up

    Love it

    Best part of a Friday!

  31. Ged T
    Black Helicopters

    I love...

    ...the (faintly sweet) smell of Halon on the morning...!

  32. Admiral Grace Hopper
    Thumb Up

    Ah, halon

    The gift that goes on giving.

    Happy Christmas one and all.

  33. Graham Bartlett

    Festive cheer

    Twas the week before Xmas, and all through the cubes

    Came the sound of employees looking for lubes

    The bonus in theory was promised, but then

    The call came "Bend over, here it comes again"

  34. Michael C

    Ah, warm fuzzies

    Excellent work, keep em coming!

  35. Dave 129


    That was awesome, simply brilliant!

  36. ViagraFalls

    Ode to Simon

    Fearing a boring friday afternoon, I shivered,

    Quickly checked El Reg, and by golly, Simon Delivered!

    Boredom no more, I can happily lgo home to the wife

    To celebrate weekend, and enjoy a pint or five.

    Merry christmas to all.

  37. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Nice one

    May everything you wish for be delivered to whoever you wish it on

  38. SigKill

    Ho ho ho

    Aah, Christmas Carols!

  39. Graham Bartlett

    We wish you a Christmassacre

    We wish you a Christmassacre

    We wish you a Christmassacre

    We wish you a Christmassacre

    And a chainsaw-chewed ear

    Glad tasers we bring

    And grenades without pins

    We wish you a Christmassacre

    And a chainsaw-chewed ear

    Now bring us all your bosses

    Now bring us all your bosses

    And bring them out here

    For we hate the boss's guts

    For we hate the boss's guts

    For we hate the boss's guts

    So bring them out here

    And we won't go until we've got some

    And we won't go until we've got some

    And we won't go until we've got some

    So bring them out here

    For we all *NNEEEEOOOOWW*

    For we all *NNEEEEOOOOWW*

    For we all *NNEEEEOOOOWW*

    With a chainsaw out here

    Glad choppings we bring

    And beancounter suff'ring

    We wish you a Christmassaaaaacrrrrre....

    And a chainsaw-chewed ear

    (The beer icon, why else? ;)

    1. maclovinz
      Thumb Up

      Holy crap.

      Your awesome.

      Srsly! XD

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      That was a bit scary...

      ... but totally loved it.

      Besides, this is the best use to 125cc two-stroke engines than pooting along in scooters. What's the name again? The one with bright orange motor case?


  40. Graham Bartlett

    Once in...

    Once in disloyal Simon's cube

    Stood a lowly cattle prod

    Used on Boss, and PFY and users

    To achieve his dev'lish job

    That cattle prod gave voltage high

    "JESUS CHRIST!" was the shout before they fried

  41. Herby

    Can't wait for New Years...

    When the transfer test will be complete. Maybe a vacation in the Cayman Islands to greet the banker in person.

    Cheer to all as the year comes to an end.

  42. Anonymous Coward

    Is it just me..

    I thought that Halon systems could no longer be recharged under EU rules - so now it's discharged, that's the last we'll ever see of it? Not that it wasn't used for the best possible purpose though...

    1. Anonymous Coward

      Not just you

      ... But surely the BOFH will find an "alternate" supplier of Halon from a supplier operating out of a warehouse in a former Soviet Bloc country that has a stash of Halon. Cost-cutting measures, you see.

      Bonus if one tank is "accidentally" filled with nerve gas instead of Halon due to a mix up on the order paperwork.

    2. maclovinz


      Do you work in HR?

      Ah, ok, stand over here, please.....

  43. Graham Bartlett

    Silent night

    Silent night, wonderful night

    No lusers logged in, LAN traffic now light

    Round yon office, so seemingly mind,

    Snared by traps so fiendishly wild,

    Bosses sleep in eternal peace

    Sleep in eternal peace

  44. maclovinz

    Jerry Maguire

    Kid: "He said fuck!"

    Hooray for a BOFH hangover cure! Ooohhh, my head!

    (...and Starschumcks can't just simply give me a green tea!)

  45. The Gopher
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    Love it

    I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything else someone would have owed me a laptop..

    Top class Just when they think they have him beaten...

    Nailed Top class. The Halon and the robot are nice touches and since when has the BOFH ever followed EU rules.... That will be recharged ;) maybe not with HALON though but a close proxy to it maybe some nerve gas / CO2 mix.. either way the tape safe is no longer a safe hiding place ;).

  46. Nate H.
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    Early Xmas

    Thanks for the early Christmas present!

  47. Daniel Owen


    No other word for it.

  48. Craig 28

    I thought

    They'd swapped the halon release and hold off buttons over hadn't they? Ah well, fun all the same.

    Alternative trick: swapping halon release and hold off buttons, setting off the halon stand off warning and getting them to hit the halon release themselves... then swapping the buttons back over. Extra marks if you can find a way to get their fingerprints on the release button and not the hold off.

  49. Andus McCoatover
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    But, if Lester's not on holiday yet, a Playmobil reconstruction would've 'guilded the lily'...

    Thanks, Simon. Made me chuckle so much, I gave the pub unexpected and involuntary "Greenhouse gases". Then went home to fix my gusset.

    1. Rhod


      Genious! [sic] certainly doesn't describe this post.

      It's not 'guilded the lily' but 'gilded the lily' as in adding gold gilt to something that was already beautiful. You're misusing the phrase, as it's used to describe an unnecessary or superfluous addition to something that is already complete.

      The coward is right that 'peizo' should be 'piezo' but additionally piezo is a prefix meaning pressure which shouldn't be used on its own. So Simon should have written piezofanfare or piezo-fanfare.

      1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

        Re: Idiocy!

        That's an incredible phrase-mangle though - 'guilded the lily'. Awesome.

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Is it just me...

    That finds BOFH utterly un-amusing...

    I mean i try, but i get a few lines in and the overwhelming desire to ditch the page just flows over me...

    Guess im just too purile...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Try some of the earlier ones

      starting from the '90s. They'll get you in the right mindset for reading the Bastard.

  51. Big Al

    Ho ho ho

    Nuff said.

  52. bugalugs

    a punctuated perm

    Twas the dead-line before christmas and Simon, in his nads,

    knew his nerdy readers needed lots of BoFH glads.

    So sticking to the rules of rhyme and some of those of reason,

    he's shown us how a sysadmin can celebrate the season.

    A little bit of burning fan, a little bit of sting,

    a little bit of halon gas and robotry's the thing

    To guarantee transmission of ill-gottens undetected.

    Take note of the scenario that Simon has projected.

    a messy christmas to all at ElReg with special sauce for S. Travaglia !

  53. David Beeston
    Thumb Up


    Nuff said really

  54. Denarius
    Thumb Up

    chainsaw ?

    125 CC, that's a mother of a chainsaw !

    My no brand with a 20" bar only has 35 CC engine and it cuts well though the best hardwood in Oz. Now if only a skilled BOFH could apply one like it to the finest high level deadwood in corporation land...

    Simon, well done.

    To El Reg and staff Merry Xmas.

  55. FuzzyTheBear

    Dear BOFH

    Dear BOFH

    What else is available to replace Halon, which is unfortunately banned here ?

    Any good advice ?

    Merry Christmas Simon :) And thanks for the good laughs over the years.

  56. blackworx


    After about the third line my head was filled with the voice of John Cooper Clarke doing this.

    Nice one!

  57. Qster

    Comedy genius...


  58. LanDaemon

    I concurr!!

    'Tis beauty to behold all that hath been told.


  59. Jan Buys

    Love the story...


    Although "The silence of the servers" is your masterpiece.

  60. Sacioz


    This guy Travaglia must be an Aussie,only Aussies(and to a certain degree ,Kiwis,possess such a five vein...Unreal ! Congrats to you all,for making our lives more liveable...happy 2011 to you all .

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