back to article BOFH: Pain fear games

“I don’t understand” the PFY says “We’re not invited to any parties?” “Apparently not. The rest of the department are, but this is one Christmas you’ll not be visiting any of the other departments!” “But we always go to departmental Christmas functions!” the PFY protests “We get things going and keep the momentum up. We get …


This topic is closed for new posts.
  1. Reality Dysfunction


    love the ending, time for beer

  2. Lottie

    Hell yeah

    Just what I need at lunchtime.

    Simon and PFY really ARE people people.

  3. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

    It could onlyend in tears

    Brilliant episode, really gets you into the Xmas spirit

  4. Anonymous Coward

    The best way to start a Friday...

    Good thing I work remotely...and am network admin as well.

  5. Dave Walker 1

    Love the paintball

    It was inevitable once the Boss starting revealing the cost-cutting for next year, but welcome nonetheless

    Simon owes me a new keyboard and Magic Mouse...

  6. Steve Robbins
    Thumb Up

    Not too sure on the start

    the the ending was pure class!!!!

  7. James O'Shea

    what did they expect?

    other than something a little more permanent than paintball pellets, that is...

  8. Annihilator
    Thumb Up


    Not sure if it's been said, but I for one am really appreciating the return to weekly status. Many thanks to Simon for making Fridays great again.

    1. Captain Jack
      Thumb Up

      I second this!

      Totally agree, love the BOFH stories they always brighten my Friday.

  9. Anonymous Coward

    That ending

    I would very much like to be able to do this in real life.

    Anon, obviously.

    1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      And what is stopping you?

      Ah, no, I get it. You haven't order the freezer yet for the paintballs.

      There you go - how to spend your end of year budget surplus before it gets cut..

      - this was a public service announcement -


      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward


        It's coming Tuesday. Your welcome to come round in the afternoon to try it out.

        Best regards

        Gordon Browns PA.

  10. Anonymous Coward

    Got me wondering

    How would paint ball pellets injected with a small amount of home made nitro go....... nah it's got to be illegal hasn't it?

    1. Wize

      I know how they would go.

      They would go bang in the barrel when the compressed air blast hits them.

    2. laird cummings


      Sure - you could put nitro in your shells. But they'd probably go off in your own weapon...

  11. Ari 1

    I second the friday joy

    I look forward to this silliness and wait for Friday :)

    This one had me worried, but the ending cleared it up.

  12. Sir Runcible Spoon


    "½ frozen pellets"

    I don't wish to be pedantic, but..


    The basic diameter of a paintball is 0.68", not 1/2 (I'm assuming you meant inches)

    There are other diameters available, but not in the 'high power' end of the market.

    This is most closely appoximated by a solid nylon bearing of 11/16th diameter, available for 50p a throw if you buy 100.


    Moral: Don't mess with me when I'm testing my markers out at home :)

    1. D@v3


      ½ frozen pellets --- as in not fully frozen pellets. half frozen in fact.

    2. Steve Williamson 1

      Bigger Pedant

      The size of the pellets wasn't mentioned. It says 1/2 frozen. To give them little extra bit of zing when they make contact.

    3. John A Fotheringham

      four candles

      Or.... they might have been pellets which were half frozen...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        better to warm them

        have friends who run a paint ball site, according to them if you want to do some damage its better to leave some paint balls on top of a radiator over night...

        I'm guessing that it hardens the shell

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Thumb Up


          made the mistake of leaving a box out in the sun uncovered one day..the late evening matches were much more entertaining.

    4. TheItCat

      No, idiot,

      he meant 1/2 frozen.

      As in, HALF FROZEN. So they hurt more.

    5. seanj

      Or, the simpler explanation....

      ... is that they meant half-frozen paintballs, kinda like it says.

      (As opposed to fully-frozen paintballs.)

      Have a beer, relax..... then take up Airsoft instead (I'm assuming the old rivalry still exists here - I've been out of the game for a few years)..

    6. Chris007

      A fail on your house

      I believe that Simon meant that the paintballs were HALF frozen....

    7. CD001


      I could be that the pellets were half-frozen, no?

    8. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Oh dear..

      See, this is why all this eco rubbish is never going to take off.

      In his valiant effort to save 3 characters and associated energy, wear & tear, processing demands and power (read: carbon impact), Simon uses "½" instead of the word "half". And generated a lot of extra post as a consequences.

      It's a bit like an eco-loo. Even when you've just taken a piss you end up flushing twice - too much eco means the small flush doesn't get the job done.

      I hope this has lead to comprehension. But lead is a polluter, so maybe not..

      Yes, I'm drunk. Why?

    9. Sir Runcible Spoon


      My bad :)

      I forgot the first rule of pendantry. My only defence is that I had a 1/2 frozen beer for lunch :P

      1. Tom7

        Pedantry bites

        You only had a half at lunch? That's no excuse. Anything less than 3pt doesn't have any effect at all in BOFH-land...

    10. laird cummings


      They make (or used to make) 1/2" paintballs, too. They were never so popular as the .68" ones, or even the .62" variety, though.

      But perhaps the point was that the paintballs were half frozen..?

      As for full-auto with cold paintballs, been there, suffered that. Playing on an unusually chill October morning, against a team armed with early Tippmann .62" auto-markers. The old 'linear revolver' sort. Caught several lengthy bursts at close range. The .62 balls don't burst as reliably as the.68 do, especially when cold...

    11. Anonymous Coward

      Frozen balls

      Oh dear oh dear far too much pedantry. Tell you what, me with an Eclipse Ego set to Millennium ramping mode, and a case of Sterling's nastiest paintballs. You out in the cold with your top off. How does that sound ?? ;)

      (For those that don't know Millennium ramping mode is about 10 paintballs a second.) :D

      Paint grenade for the scenario ballers ;)

  13. Graham Dresch

    Clearly time for a new Boss...

    this one is far too aware of what has been happening, and WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE !

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: time for a new Boss

      If he finds a new job after Christmas, we'll know that he is aware who is responsible. Let's face it, being "management" at BOFH's company is a life-limiting move, not just a career-limiting one.

  14. Spider

    I applaud them

    having used frozen maltesers (same caliber) in a particularly cheat filled game of Paintball I can attest to the efficacy of frozen foodstuffs as ballastic encouragement to correct thinking.

    well played.

  15. Kevin Fields
    Thumb Up

    Of course security saw nothing!

    How could they when management won't allow them to order proper hardware and tools to do their jobs? Those poor sods!

    Thank you Simon. Laughing my giblets off after digesting my Thanksgiving Day leftovers.

  16. Anonymous Coward

    Sir Runcible Spoon

    Nothing too wrong with being a pedant, although in this case Simon was refering to paint ball pellets that were half frozen.

  17. George Nacht
    Thumb Up

    Definitely welcomed...

    ...but what are we going to read at the end of the year? Isn´t it a little too early for Christmas episode?

    Will be December´s episode even more awesome, or did Simon blew it prematurely?

    1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      More to come, I think..

      After all, corporate Xmas parties ARE already starting. Maybe they're following the Xmas article sales, they seem to start earlier and earlier - they start in August now, don't they?

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    I'm just waiting on...

    The requirements for "free meals" to be swapped about "by accident" of course to those below pay grade 4.7 and those above get the vouchers, or perhaps a mishap could befall someone and the meals are made free again with beer and curry on a Friday, naturally down the pub of course.

    Well of course security aren't going to see anything the camera system in the basement has got water ingress and thus isn't reliable, and I mean they are also those tiny little fixed domes that see fine 3 ft away but this is 25-30ft away no chance, that and security was too busy watching the football highlights on the TV..

    Only 1/2 frozen Simon hmm I guess you want them to feel a little pain.. Hmm

    Wait what is that sound and why is everyone now getting back in the lifts to go away - hmm Woooooooooossssssshhhh ophs they forgot to cancel the fire system test and the system is locked down and the value there just blew out...

    It's cold inside there's no kind of atmosphere,

    they are all along more or less

    icicle forming round their toes...

    Fun Fun Fun in the bas-e-ment.. :p

    1. Anonymous Coward

      1/2 frozen = more mess

      "Only 1/2 frozen Simon hmm I guess you want them to feel a little pain.. Hmm"

      If the paint balls are fully frozen then all that happens is lots of pain, by half freezing them, you get pain, and paint mess all over the expensive suites , double win.

    2. LaeMing

      Free meals...

      ...of course, should go to the lower pay grades. Those above 4.7 can bloody well afford to pay! :-P

  19. Fred Flintstone Gold badge


    .. this whole requirement for meal vouchers should have yielded the purchase of new, ultra-high quality printers which just happen to be able to replicate meal vouchers at a rate of knots.

    The ultimate result would be that the voucher scheme would run at a total loss, leading to the swift sacking of the beancounter (grade 4.7 and above) who came up with this idea. Nobody *quite* knows where he went, something went wrong when he was escorted out of the building, but for a while, strange sounds have been heard from the airco ducts in the basement.

    In parallel, the immediate area surrounding the office appeared to have suffered a veritable plague of high quality printed false currency, with especially the pubs suffering. Typically, false currency tends to be discovered in the hands of anyone paygrade 4.7 and above, and staff turnover at those levels has thus been astonishing, with teh local jail unable to keep up with the arrests.

    Anyway, just off the bat. I didn't plan to write this. Ignore me. It's Friday..


  20. Conor 1
    Paris Hilton

    half frozen paintballs

    Cooling a paintball below freezing causes them to dimple causing poor trajectory, condensation develops on them as they return to room temperature and the shell gets too brittle. They either break in the marker or fly inaccurately.

    68cal re-balls (re-usable rubber practice balls) however, would work perfectly!

    (Even Paris wonders how this would work)

    1. Dan 7
      Thumb Up


      Ooh yes, good point. And don't bother dropping the marker from 280FPS to 200FPS as is recommended when using reballs. MWUHA HA HA reballs at 280FPS hurt like hell, as I know from experience !!

  21. Martyn 4

    @ seanj

    oh yes, it does still exist.

    who the heck wants paintballs anyway, they go everywhere but where your aiming them

  22. DI_Wyman


    slow Friday afternoon on the Hell desk and then along comes this.

    My day ends on a high.



  23. Tris Orendorff

    “That’s just the concussion talking!”

    Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! A classic line.

  24. Anonymous Coward

    I'm sad

    I was expecting to see the robots back in action with the upper classmen at the receiving end.

  25. D. M
    Thumb Up


    Well, most security people would be likely below grade 4.7. I bet they were out there shooting.

    This is very rare to see BOFH been people person.

  26. Deadly Headshot

    No BOFH this week?

    I was looking forward to it...

  27. Reality Dysfunction

    @Deadly Headshot

    ......and yet again another Friday comes with no BOFH.

    Every week there is no BOFH another one is made redundant (see fairies)

This topic is closed for new posts.