back to article Chicago officer beats off dildo-wielding bill-skipper

An Illinois woman allegedly launched an ill-considered assault on a cop with a “rigid female pleasure device” after an altercation over an unpaid Crab Shack bill. Carole Bildsten, a 56-year-old from the Chicago suburb of Gurnee, was accused of leaving an unpaid bill for dinner and wine at Joe's Crab Shack in the town earlier …


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  1. BoldMan
    Thumb Down

    do what?

    'walking on public roadways while intoxicated' - this a real office? Bloody hell we're all screwed!

  2. Geoff Thompson
    Paris Hilton

    Must be Friday

    "Crab Shack mock cock cop attack shock" just love it. Accurate too. Paris, because she would understand.

    1. Adrian Challinor

      Crab Shack mock cock cop attack shock

      Someone owes me a screen and keyboard cleaning kit

    2. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Must be Friday

      You're welcome.

  3. LinkOfHyrule

    clear, rigid feminine pleasure device

    I'm sorry but that phrase is just too funny.

    Great, I've just spat tea all over my opaque, rigid, multi-gender typing device!

    1. Captain TickTock
      Paris Hilton

      "clear, rigid feminine pleasure device"

      Oh I wish this had happened in Texas or somewhere deep south.

      I can hear it now:

      "Cleeyah rijidd femmin-eye-ne pleezhur deevice"

      In Paris, Texas, even better.

  4. Pavlov's obedient mutt


    you should see some of the rigid feminine pleasure devices on sale here in Amsterdam

    if one of them was waved at me with violence in mind, I'd turn and run.

    fast and far.

    (oh-beer-thirty approaches. Fast)

    1. MeRp

      I think..

      When confronted with such a weapon it is always wise to back the first few steps away before presenting the enemy with a potential target.

  5. LuMan

    Crab Shack, etc...

    Utterly, utterly fantastic! Made my day, that tagline. Have a well-deserved beer.

    Happy Friday.

  6. Anonymous Coward


    "clear, rigid feminine pleasure device"

    I didn't know they came in clear. I am clearly behind the times. Here silly me I presumed they were all flourescent pink or something. Shall immediately proceed to the appropriate local business establishment for Remedial Sex-Toys 101 class to remedy this situation.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle


    Playmobile reconstruction or it never happened :)

  8. Lewis Greaves
    IT Angle


    Playmobile reconstruction or it never happened!

  9. Giddy Kipper
    Thumb Up


    Oh yes ...

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Rigid? Wobblesome?

    Surely it can't be both?

    1. Mark McNeill
      Paris Hilton

      Rigid but wobblesome

      It's perfectly possible to conceive of a device, member or extremity which is intrinsically or under certain circumstances rigid, but flexibly attached to a handle, body, arm or control device, which makes it act in a wobblesome manner, particularly when waved.

      Paris. Do I need to draw pictures?

      1. IglooDude


        Draw them? No. Photographs will do nicely, thanks.

      2. laird cummings

        It's a flail!

        Clearly, you've describe an illicit pleasure-flail.

        Fling me coat out after me, eh?

    2. Uk_Gadget

      In the real world,

      this would be the before and AFTER descriptions....

    3. The Indomitable Gall


      You're right there.

      I suspect it's just that Joe will never take a copper's word for anything....

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Clear and Rigid ?

    That would indicate a perspex/acrylate love-pouch popsicle, although the wobblesome comment seems to hint at a silicone suitor.

    So what was it?

    Enquiring minds need to know.

  12. Anonymous Coward

    Happens to the best of us

    We all feel a bit crabby from time to time.

    1. Chris Thomas Alpha

      after sleeping with that woman.......

      you might feel a little crabby; and I don't mean in the hung over way

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Reconstrucion

    I've no idea why you'd want a reconstrucion, but failing one, will this do?

  14. McBread

    Missed pun opportunity

    Shouldn't the article read "Luckily Illinois law enforcement are trained to trackle deadly weapons of every description"?

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Missed pun opportunity

      Hey yeah you could totally do my job.

    2. McBread

      re: missed pun opportunity.

      trackle. tackle. One of these days i'll master the art of typing accurately.

  15. Visionism

    Crab Shack mock cock cop attack shock

    That's quite a mouthful!

  16. Jacqui

    By line

    TINA SFONDELES which I read as "Tina's Fondles."

    Sad, so sad.

  17. frank 3
    Thumb Up

    best headline ever

    Encore! Encore!

    <standing ovation>

  18. Arctic fox

    May I be permitted to contribute.......

    ..........a very old headline from a (I believe) Hollywood newspaper from many decades ago?

    "Hix pix nix in stix".

    Which apparently meant that films set in rural America did not go down very well amongst audiences in rural America. Other than that I can only say that if that is the worst that the officer faces in the course of his career, he is clearly on a winner.

  19. Juan Inamillion
    Thumb Up

    Thank you thank you thank you

    Totally made my day. Although I do need a new screen and keyboard...

    I say Miss Bee, are those alliterative sub-heads the work of a team or one person? Bloody funny, yar?

  20. Seanmon
    Thumb Up

    Crab shack etc....

    Bravo. Just... Bravo.


  21. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    Hmm... This leaves me pondering the possibilities for weaponization of such things. We've already seen the helicockter, of course ( ). But this makes me want to build something along the lines of a Nerf missile launcher. Or perhaps one of those compressed air guns they use to launch t-shirts and such at sporting events...

    Any other ideas?

  22. Schultz

    Missed the shock part

    The title is clearly misleading, no body got shocked or tasered.

    Prude 'mericans are too easily shocked!

  23. Graham Marsden

    "the officer fearlessly knocked the device out of the way"

    You mean he *didn't* use a Taser...?

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Frankly, I'm shocked

    "... before arresting his tackle-waving restaurant-ripping-off assailant."

    That's prejudice, Reg, and you know it. I await your reportage of the trial next month, together with a full retraction and apology in the event that the defendant is found not guilty.

  25. Steve Evans


    Where pray tell is the required Monty Python self defence class quote?

    Although seriously she's lucky she wasn't tazzed. Guess she didn't walk on the cracks in the pavement or look like a photographer.

  26. skeptical i

    dildo, crab shack ... {shudder}

    Not that the actual story is less ... vivid.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Dueling Dildo's - Here is how to do it.

    Youtube: "7 pound dildo fight"

    The link needs to be a signed in to see it... might work - that or use the search term.

    Paris - because she knows how to take it.

  28. Catroast


    This is one of the reasons that I enjoy reading El Reg so much. Thanks for the laughs!

  29. Tigra 07

    No title Required

    Shaggy Crab Shack Hag Beats off Cop with Cock!

    Too much?

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: No title Required

      You can't have my job.

      1. Tigra 07

        RE: Sarah

        Luckily for you Sarah, i want to work for the News of the World.

        I'm mysterious, a stalker, and have wiretapping skills. Perfect

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