Fuddy-duddy? I'll say!
"Sorry, but I'm an old fuddy-duddy. "
Yes you are ;)
"Gimme a phone that doesn't go on the Internet unless I specifically say so"
I'm pretty sure most phones that are capable of accessing the internet can, unless they are particularly stupid, be set to not access the internet unless YOU want them to.
"that doesn't leave you open to all sorts of potential hacks because the data from things like Facebook hasn't been sanitised properly but is executed by default on your phone every time you access the address book, etc"
Why would your CHOSEN friends "hack" your phone via status updates on Facebook? (Not that I've EVER heard of such complete and utter nonsense happening in real life by and to anybody I know!)
"that can actually ring people"
I'm pretty sure all PHONES can, either that or you're getting your TVs remote control confused with a phone! ;)
"tell you who's rung without you having to guess"
I can't think of ANY phone (that has a display and phonebook) that DOESN'T display who is calling you if you ALREADY have their number... or do you expect your phone to be psychic too?
"or go on the damn Internet again."
Ahh yes, the well known "phone ringing makes it jump onto the internet" problem?!?!?!?
"Now this phone automatically updates from Facebook every time you go into the contacts list? [...] the sheer constant access required to keep them running"
Status and contact photo updates are no worse than receiving multi-part SMS or MMS in terms of actual data being flung to and from the phone, which can be minimised if the phone OS/software has the smarts to check if something actually needs updating first rather than updating blindly. Granted this does cost the user, unless on an unlimited data tariff, but it still shouldn't really be THAT much to worry about.
"I wonder how well this phone fares when it can pick up a GSM signal but not a GPRS/3G signal"
I can't vouch for WinPho 7 but I think, with my phone, if it doesn't have a GPRS signal as a minimum (and it will use if available GPRS, 3G, Edge and HSDPA) it doesn't attempt to transfer any data... (Does GSM even do data other than voice/SMS? I don't know, but would you really want to do it?) Besides, if I'm in a place that doesn't even have a GPRS signal (sound like a nice day out in the country to me!) I dare say someones inane drivel on Facebook would be the last thing on my mind.
"And it's a *phone*. That's quite a privileged bit of hardware."
Oh please, its 2010. Its. A. Phone.
"You can do some real damage by taking over that device with something malicious, whether it's recording every conversation (ever used phone banking or given you card number to a company you trust over the phone?), sucking up your home address and your GPS location, silently sending millions of texts, deliberately purchasing lots of things from the app stores to get commission on them, or even just making prank calls to the emergency services via your phone."
How often does this really, and I mean REALLY, happen? Its not happened to myself or a SINGLE other person I know. Come from under your tin-foil hat, its not all as bad as you think!
"[ALL THE REST]"
Loosing the will to live......................................................