back to article Jobsian fondle-slab in SEXY FILTHGRAM CRACKDOWN

Famous fruitbrand fondle-slabbery firm Apple is moving to further bolster family values and hierarchical, authoritarian control - not to mention other rightwing American values such as abstinence from youthful or otherwise unapproved sexy sexuality - by the use of a traditional instrument of The Man's dominance: the US Patent …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well done Apple

    For successfully patenting a word filter. No prior art there.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: AC 14:54

      Indeed. I had a bozo filter on my Usenet feed close to 30 years ago.

  2. yakitoo
    WTF?

    Don't even

    think about getting one if you live anywhere near Scunthorpe.

    1. John G Imrie

      Scunthorp hu!

      Dildo (Newfoundland & Labrador)

      Acock’s Green (Worcestershire, UK)

      Babes Well (Durham, UK)

      Bald Knob (Arkansas, US)

      Brest (France)

      Climax (several dotted around the USA)

      1. nsld
        Paris Hilton

        France can also lay claim to

        Pussy

        On the road from Albertville to Moutiers as you approach Moutiers

      2. Alien Doctor 1.1

        Just outside Bath

        Just outside Bath climbs the beautifully named "Brassknocker Hill" (great for watching female cyclists in the colder months).

        1. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

          Also in France,

          "Bitche is located near the German border on the Horn"

      3. Neill Mitchell
        Jobs Horns

        Another couple

        Cockbush Avenue in Hertford, UK

        Cum Cum Hill at Little Berkhampstead, Herts

        The latter was removed for a while after a posh new golf club opened at the top of it. However, it's loss was clearly mourned as the sign re-appeared about a year later. Raised a little cheer in our car as we drove past.

        I guess any golf club member with a iPhone will be getting lost shortly then.

      4. lpopman
        Thumb Up

        titular addition

        Don't forget the old Viz stalwarts:

        Wank (Germany)

        Fucking (Austria)

      5. tranzophobia

        Re: John G Imrie

        Not that anyone cares but Acocks Green is in Birmingham, West Midlands. I know as I live there...

    2. dr_forrester

      Also...

      Don't try getting one in or around the various *sexes which appear throughout the UK and US.

      1. Euchrid

        And another one...

        Pratt's Bottom (village in the borough of Bromley).

    3. max allan

      Or...

      How about the Amish town of "Intercourse" in Pensylvania

      Or the amusingly named Wank mountain in Germany.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I've driven through there once or twice.

        You know it's not far from Blue Balls right?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is it Friday already?

    This is a post that contains letters.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    This that yourself?

    Farrell, is that you?

  5. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Yet another wonderful US patent

    Or more likely, yet another wonderful US patent examiner. How in heaven's name did they get this one through? All it is is a wordfilter. It's dressed up to sound like something a little more sophisticated, but at its heart, it's a wordfilter.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    hmm

    I'm pretty sure I could configure a squid proxy to do something similar, the desktop real estate being administered devices. I could probably install something on every box if I was feeling inefficent.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    What?

    Run that by me again. They've patented a hardware word filter.

    For ****'s sake.

    Do the USPO people live in a *******cave or some or some other **** hole. The useless ***** should be ********* sacked.

  8. Merchman
    Coffee/keyboard

    Keyboard...

    ..El Reg owes me a new one!

  9. Marky W
    Headmaster

    Veil not vale

    That is all

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Veil not vale

      Is it? Is that all, sir? Is it?

      Correction is incorrect.

      1. frank ly
        Headmaster

        Maybe. It all depends

        If shed in sufficient quantity, on a very cold day, it could be a veil of tears. In that case, it would also be a vale of tears style experience. We need more data and some funding.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Maybe. It all depends

          "We need more data and some funding."

          Don't you start, we've got enough problems with climate change.

          Unless you can lever it in somehow.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Coat

          (with apologies to Clark Gable et al.)

          Frank Ly, my dear, I don't give a [Redacted by Apple].

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      @Marky W

      Ha! As my kids would say . . you got pwned!

    3. The Indomitable Gall

      Would that be...?

      Would that perchance be a "veil of tiers" then?

  10. Loyal Commenter Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Thoughtcrime next?

    You stand accused of unjobsian thought. It's Room 101 for you until you love all things Apple. It makes their famous '1984' advert all the more ironic, doesn't it?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Obligatory

    "Need a text blocked? There's an app for that!"

    1. frank ly

      Careful Now!

      You're not allowed to say that. Or are you? I get confused.

  12. Steve Evans

    Jeeez

    The US patent office will allow a patent on anything won't they!

    A patent is only supposed to be granted on a new innovation which isn't blatantly obvious.

    Content word filtering is hardly new. There may even be prior art on this exact use. I'm sure somewhere like a right wing Arab state or China have been doing this for years.

  13. Ad Fundum
    Thumb Up

    Congratulations

    The phrase "Famous fruitbrand fondle-slabbery firm Apple" absolutely made my day. Wonderful use of the English language!

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Insert mandatory pun here

    "Team Register"? Is Verity off sick then?

    Or are we just hours off the first screening of "Team Register * Word Police"

    (OK. I know it's Apple doing this, not El Reg, but the pun won't work otherwise)

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Camera not affected

    Not much imagination required....

    Paris can show you how.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Now send that to the Lay Scientist blog

    then he might figure out what the Reg is about.

  17. David Lester
    Boffin

    I have a Dream!

    Steve Evans writes: "Jeeez The US patent office will allow a patent on anything won't they!"

    I would like to patent a device that can automatically generate a patent that the US patent office will reject. Provided that such a device/software/buisness method is granted a patent -- and I'm unaware of prior art, nor do I think such a device is obvious to practicioners of the art -- then I think I can then diagonalize (after Georg Cantor) the US patent office, and we will never hear from them again.

  18. Ray Simard
    WTF?

    The mind boggles

    Someone, somewhere (in fact, here at El Reg, I think) speculated, tongue-in-cheek, that Apple was patenting the wheel, Beethoven, air, etc., to shine light on the absurdity of the U. S. patent system. I'm about half-willing to consider moving the tongue in this case to its normal position.

    And if they aren't, this case and the many others like it should have that effect anyway, if some sufficiently prominent and respected voices can pipe up and cite them collectively in a suitably loud and blistering attack on the system.

    (The film Patent Absurdity is a nice start, but I fear its audience is not getting very far beyond those who already understand the problem and don't need convincing.)

  19. Michael C

    old

    this was files back in early 2008, is just a simple parental (and more importantly if you read the language for corporations) control, is completely options, and highly requested. It also does not yet exist in the product, and being 2 years old, probably won't.

  20. MinionZero
    Big Brother

    Sounds like Apple are getting increasingly self-righteous.

    (Self-righteous as in ... "smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behaviour of others.").

    So much for land of the free, when people are controlled by corporations like this.

    1. Matthew Barker

      Seriously?

      If you think Apple are in control, you should dig deep into General Electric, Halliburton, and Monsanto, just to begin with.

  21. Rob 101

    Don't forget

    The US village of Intercourse: http://web.orange.co.uk/article/quirkies/Intercourse_judge_in_nutty_condom_stunt

    Sorry for the link to another rag but the reg missed this one (OK, so not I.T. related but amusing)

    And yes, before correcting people you should really think about things. A veil of tears woudl kind of just drip down your front and not be very useful.

    A vale of tears however being especially in context in the article since it is a biblical reference.

    1. Ron Luther
      Coat

      Intercourse, PA

      Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Not too far from Bird In Hand and Blue Ball! All three of which are located in Lancaster county of Amish fame.

      There is actually a nice wine shoppe in the center of town. I know because my wife made me stop right in the middle of Intercourse and run in for a bottle!

      (Mine's the one with the sneaky butler!)

      1. VeganVegan
        Joke

        run in for a bottle

        of aspirin?

      2. dr_forrester

        This title contains letters.

        Also, Intercourse, PA borders the town of Paradise, PA.

        Thus, in Pennsylvania, Intercourse is next to Paradise.

        No, I'm not making it up. Nor is the line original; you can get it on plaques, keychains, and other trinkets through much of Lancaster County.

        1. CADmonkey
          Terminator

          The long winter evenings....

          ...must just fly by.

          (apologies to E.Blackadder)

  22. Bill Neal
    WTF?

    good luck

    How can you block that which is usually abbv.?

    Good luck blocking leetspeak too!

    1. Tom 35

      Should take about 10 seconds for kids to figure out how to get around it.

      Life's a beach, so fork off.

      Assuming most parents can even figure out how to turn it on...

  23. P Zero
    Thumb Up

    Hah!

    If this was a Facebook post, I'd 'like' the shit out of it. Well played, sir!

  24. Disco-Legend-Zeke
    Pint

    Will The Fruit Company...

    ...now go back and retroactively sue Net Nanny et al for infringement?

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Imagine all the money!

    A patent of filtering/censoring text messages! Imagine how much money Apple must be making from all the royalties the Chinese government must be paying them!

  26. bazza Silver badge
    Jobs Horns

    A communications device?

    Apple will run in to trouble with trades description legislation. A device the can't make a call because it keeps getting dropped and won't send your texts because Jobs doesn't like the words you've used doesn't sound like something you could reasonably call a 'mobile phone'.

    If anyone out there is a scholar of Babylonian (i.e. sexagesimal) counting systems or navigational instruments (sextants) living in the county of West Sussex, they'd best stay clear of an iSlab.

    The only people who would be content with such a self censoring device must be very boring indeed. Oh....!

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Keep reading...

    "Free whitepaper – Trying to keep smutphones off your network?"

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sometitle

    "A filter? Wats that? Wanna boing boing lata?"

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    You've made this up...

    ...just so we can enjoy the prospect of Cory Doctorow's head exploding with righteous indignation when he reads it. Didn't you?

    Veil/vale schmeil/schmale, BTW...

  30. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    Partridge amongst the monkey tennis playing pigeons

    Twatt!

    (That's liquid football)

    1. lpopman
      Coffee/keyboard

      titular thingy

      Eat my goal!

      The proof in the pudding is the eating, and he's got football pie down his shirt !

      Shit!

      Hehe, that's my fave AP bit on the Day Today :)

      An optimist says "The glass of milk is half-full."

      A pessimist says "It is half-empty."

      I say, "It is sour."

  31. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    omg

    lucky i didnt buy Bellend cottage in Belbroughton then.

  32. Tanuki
    Thumb Down

    Let me lift your flap and insert my tab.

    So, Apple have finally developed a hypocorism- euphemism- and innuendo-filter as well as working out how to reliably detect naughty fleshtones in attached images?

    It's alleged that what killed-off Betamax was that the VHS-people allowed their tech to be used for pr0n but the Betamaxists didn't. Part of me would like FruitCo to suffer the same fate. Perhaps Microsoft/Android/Windows7Phone should specifically offer apps like "Pr0nfinder Professional", "RateMyTodger" and "Nipple-Vu",

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      It has been alleged Betamax etc, etc., but like the current Obama adminstration charge that

      the Chamber of Commerce is flooding foreign money into the current US elections, the allegations are entirely unfounded. I specifically recall that at the time Betamax was competing with VHS, Beta had the better pr0n at the local rental shop. Three things killed Betamax:

      1. All the copyrights owners licensed their stuff on VHS because Sony (wisely in my estimation) wouldn't let Macrovision on their systems.

      2. Beta never extended their tape length past 2 hours

      3. VHS were mass produced by more vendors and therefore were cheaper than Beta.

      Sadly, item 1 turned out to be the real killer as only a minority of copyright holders also licensed to Beta.

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    sms aggregators take note

    This seems to affect a lot of US SMS agregators, who on the instructions of some of the larger carriers already have filtering mechanisms of this type. Ooops.

  34. JaitcH
    Jobs Horns

    No limit to this manic fruit cakes thought control efforts

    I presume the Church of Job will force march every carrier of the symbol of the faith of Apple into the protected holy grounds, worldwide.

    How will Jobs decide a colloquial expression, such as knock you up in the morning, is not offensive to certain believers in his faith?

    Just another challenge for the Apple Crackers to display their talents on. Maybe this is the one that gets the U.S. Department of Justice up his nose.

    1. CADmonkey
      Headmaster

      re "colloquial expression" determination

      They will use http://viz.co.uk/profanisaurus.php as the definitive resource.

      And so will we. It will lead to an arms race of filthy punnage.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Jeez o' pete

    With a title like that, I was hoping for a Page 3 girl to help illustrate the patent.

  36. John H Woods Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    nuts ...

    Not sure if they've fixed it yet but on the US version of PS3 Home (a sort-of built in Second Life) censorship used to convert 'hello' to '****o'. And of course '****** takeaway' - half a billion people can't even name their nationality without Sony USA worrying that they really meant to say 'Native American'. Unbelievable. And of course you could still tell people to invoke a well known unix filesystem check. VVankers.

  37. h 6
    Happy

    Back in the day

    Back in the day with my old phone, T9 I guess you'd call it with wacky predictive text, I sent a text msg to my girlfriend, and it rendered as "I want to kick your aunt."

  38. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Steve Jobs does a King Canute ..... and takes a briny dip and cooling bath

    "Surely there's irony here for Bible-fancying readers in the sight of Apple Computer, whose brand is none other than a pomaceous fruit with a tell-tale bite taken from it - just such a one as Eve might have left behind her in the Garden of Eden - seeking to prevent the pure and innocent acquiring sinful and forbidden knowledge by by enhancing the authority of the Father* in this way.

    *Or mother of course. Or differently-oriented familial leadership hierarchy of any type. Presumably. "

    How very laudably PC, El Reg, for one's Monitor and Mentor in Peer Role Model Travel has many Attractive Addictive Active Surprises. :-) .... for Triple AAA Just dDesserts to Feed Source ITs Needs and Immaculate Desires.

    Doesn't Steve Jobs know that Sex Sells? And what XSSXXXX Sells is Perfect Sin in a Vice Filled World. ....... with Incorrigible Veteran Perfumed Garden Skills to IntelAIgent Virgin Forest Units ..... for the Bigger Digital MasterPiece Picture Displays.

    And one does realise that as filters behave evermore subjectively discriminatory will language and methodologies evolve and flower with a leading steganographic ambiguity and XSSXXXXual multiple entendre, doing battle and overwhelming simple text analysis. And creating as IT Shares it Offerings, a Stealthily Grown Invisible and Intangible Global Army of SMART Volunteers ...... XSSXXXXually HyperRadioProActive CyberIntelAIgents who in Real Time Space Studios and Live Operational Virtual Environments are Cast and/or Confronted to Support and Cavort as Nymph and Satyr to Deliver and Satisfy the Power in Control of a Mirroring and Gathering and Exploding of Passionate Insatiable Desire. With the Releases comes Cosmic Energy for the Few Aware, who may be many more than a just a few, given the Perfect Pleasure Delivered for Pumping and Pimping to Providers.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Keep going US Patent Office

    Because one day, they will come a time when all these numpty patents will collapse in on themselves and you will be out of a job.

  40. The Fuzzy Wotnot
    Stop

    Quite giddy

    Anyone else feel like they had just gone over a mental assault course after reading this article? I need lie down and good think about pizza-delivery guys and pool cleaners....

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "... selecting a wholesome digital tool to place in the hands of their offspring ..."

    What about 'selecting a wholesome profession and encouraging their offspring to undertake it in order to learn the value of Caesar's currency and its purchasing power withal'?

    Fucking kids, they don't even know they're born. Daddy, can I have a car? Daddy, can I have a computer? Daddy can I have a house? Whatever happened to the answer 'No: Go and get a job like I had to, and then you can choose what you buy with the money you have earned for yourself you sponging parasite'?

    When I were a lad ... *whinging and griping fades into distance accompanied by the melody from Dvořák's New World Symphony, Movement 2 - Largo*

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The criteria may be defined according to a parental control application.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gropecunt_Lane

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tickle_Cock_Bridge

  43. Greem

    Shepshed Dynamo

    Play at a ground called the Dovecote, on Butt Hole Lane... always raises a smile :)

    http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?sourceid=Mozilla-search&q=butthole%20lane

  44. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Place names

    http://www.i-r-genius.com/rudeplaces.html

  45. rurwin
    Thumb Up

    Great news

    Raw Dykes Road, Leicester UK

    This is really good news, because now nobody else can implement this technology without Apple dragging them to court. Even Apple doesn't seem to have implemented it, which is even better.

    The Internet views censorship as network damage and routes around it.

  46. James Micallef Silver badge
    Jobs Horns

    erm...

    So they applied for a patent for a spam filter?

  47. Ian Ferguson

    This will be popular! ...

    ...in China.

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Megaphone

    how about a law

    for every stupid patent application you submit, your next serious patent application is automatically turned over to the public domain.

  49. Frank Bitterlich
    Badgers

    Can a country file for Prior Art?

    If so, Apple's got a lawsuit coming from China.

  50. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    Pussy (Fr), try Fucking, Austria.

    Just north of Salzburg.

    WTF, storm in a teacup really.

  51. Anonymous Coward
    Gates Horns

    word blocked "windows phone"

    please refer to the apple bible paragraph 1 sentence 2 "thou shall not mention windows"

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