back to article BOFH: Robot wars

“I could have been killed!” the Boss whimpers, rubbing a couple of prominent bruises. “I think that’s a little far-fetched,” the PFY sniffs. “What was it going to do, 360-degree-camera you to death?” “It had a circular saw in its hands!!” “Really? It had hands!?” “Well, its claw then!” “IT’S GOT A CLAW!?” “WHATEVER THE …


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  1. Loyal Commenter

    What can I say,

    That certainly brightened up a rainy Friday lunchtime.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    The perfect thing

    To help wind up my last day in the office before three weeks holiday!

    Also, I can see this one getting out of hand *very* quickly*. I wonder if the PFY can jury rig a fire extinguisher into a flame thrower?

  3. Rob Moir

    robot wars

    I see a Bastard Dalek From Hell appearing

  4. Trygve Henriksen

    Animated, please!

    I don't care if it's stop-motion with PlayMobil, silly putty, or CGI, but please get this episode animated!

    BTW: I always wondered what was the precursors to the big killing machines in the first Terminator movie...

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    This promises to be a very interesting story arc, BOfH v's Robotics team, though personally I prefer stories involving middle management being eviscerated slowly.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Paris Hilton

      Minor quibble.

      Save the stories for the children, I'd prefer to have middle management eviscerated, slowly or otherwise.

      Paris, certificate 18..

    2. perlcat

      Oh, good grief

      Did you not realize who/what the robot geeks would use to test the robots that come back on? Once the first augmented robot came back, you can rest assured that we robot geeks would use the nearest source of red shirted robot fodder, whose demise/medical absence would not be a problem for the company.

  6. John Robson Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Google Ads strike again:

    Light-Duty Robot Arm

    Humanoid arms for lightweight jobs. Easy to set up. Starting under $3K.

    Used Industrial Robots

    Fully warranted, used ABB robots from the original manufacturer

    1. Captain Jack


      Mine said "Pin down problems 90% faster, right down to the device".

      When the problem is two homicidal sys admins sending you attack robots I imagine it doesn't take that long to narrow down the problem... here's a hint, it's the fire axe embedded in your desk :-p

      1. mr-tom


        Well here's mine:

        Chainsaw 60%

        Special Discounts up to 60% Compare our Special Offers

        Chainsaw Chain

        Sharpened & Returned all for £6.25 View Our Machine Before You Buy

        Now that's my kind of cross-selling.

    2. Anonymous Coward


      Mine said "Light-Duty Robot Arm

      Humanoid arms for lightweight jobs. Easy to set up. Starting under $3K.

      Used Industrial Robots"

      Basically, the Ads are encouraging us to imitate the BOFH...

      1. Skydreamer
        Thumb Up

        ...and my ad is...

        The Chain Saw Shop

        Sydney Tools has the Best Chainsaws Online

        Didn't see a flamethrower ad yet.

        1. Javc


          I got "industrial Dispense Robots" and "The 9mm is no defense". I love Google ads.

  7. Ron1
    Thumb Up

    Jippee-a-eh, another BOFH!

    Eagerly awaiting next episode about robot wars...

    Please, please get back to at least 2 episodes per month schedule; we want more BOFH!

    1. Fractured Cell

      Go on...


      *Puppydog Eyes*

      1. Anonymous Coward

        Re:Go On


      2. John 104
        Thumb Up

        Not Puppy Dog Eyes

        Those big round eyes from the cat in Shreck... No one can say no to those eyes!

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward


          A homicidal chainsaw-wielding robot can.

  8. Anonymous Coward

    A right belter

    That one caused me to laugh out loud several times. Excellent.



  9. nordwars
    Thumb Up

    The best so far!


  10. Annihilator


    “And I haven’t been?” the PFY asks.

    Half a mouthful of chewed crisps on my screen now, thanks for that :-)

  11. Fred Flintstone Gold badge
    Thumb Up

    Best one this year!

    This was *definitely* one of the better stories this year - I'm still grinning.

    Thumbs up!

  12. Lionel Baden


    I see plenty of comments praising

    but how come only 1 vote on the article :/

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Keep on with this!

    This had me laughing so hard I was in tears.

    That hasn't happened for a very, very long time.

  14. Tony Barnes
    Thumb Up

    Spot on!!

    Plenty of belly laughs in that one - nice work :)

  15. Anonymous Coward

    Woo! BofH

    >firing up his program editor and reaching for the box of antipersonnel equipment.

    That's just been copied into my "standard practice" manual...

  16. MarkJ

    Best in a long time

    SkyNZ must be showing repeats of Robot Wars...

  17. Dan Likes Spoons


    Thanks that really cheered me up! Definitely worth the wait, this could easily form the basis of a spin-off series!

  18. Denarius Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    OH yes,yes, YES !!!

    New keyboard needed, the last line was too unexpected.

    Simon, brilliant, inspired and most welcome.

  19. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
    Thumb Up


    the BOFH and PFY are on a roll!!

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    Phillipa Forrester... Mmmmmmmmmm

    Paris, no, go away, I'm busy with Flipper

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    False sense of security..

    Time to remove all the 'extras' and wire in the cattle prod to the casing I think..


    (Yes Ms Bee, I have nothing to do today and I'm bored)

  22. Kevin Fields
    Thumb Up


    This could be the story arc of the decade! Greatly brightened my Friday morning before I start my work day.

  23. Fluffykins Silver badge

    Tea, keyboard.

    'nuff said.

  24. Andraž 'ruskie' Levstik


    simply briliant... more please... much much more...

  25. Wize

    Ah, an opponent worthy of them.

    Wonder how far short of tactical nuclear weapons this end.

    Then again they could join forces and produce a set of security robots with a kill switch*

    *a switch that would allow them to kill a selected target making it look like an accident.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      No, no

      There will _always_ be a 'friendly' rivalry between such people, much like there is between the Bastard and PFY. They may work together toward a common goal at times, but would never hesitate to lock the other in the tape safe along with the hazardous item of the day.

      I suspect this will only end when the robot can no longer be sent back to the other side. Shipping companies don't pick up at demolished buildings.

  26. MartinBZM

    Change the shipping address .... PLEAZE !

    I got laid off today.... Please change the shipping address to that of my former employer.

    Preferrably the HR department.

    Thanks for a Fun Friday after all.


  27. Da Weezil

    BOFH in all his twisted glory

    New G15 mk1 keyboard please.... !!!!!

    Brilliant... this is worthy of the early days....

    Those geeks have to learn that while they may be clever they are dealing with a superior malevolent force with dark skills honed via the torturing of countless numbers of Lusers, Bean-Counters and Managers.. none of whom were able to bring down the Ultimate Power.

    Let the wars commence!

    1. Anonymous Coward

      The gragic death of the first gen g15

      Don't joke, I actually did kill mine by filling it with tea :(

      The new-fangled orange one isn't nearly as good.

    2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      With Global Operating Devices, What Cannot One Do with Growing SMART Upstart Support. :-)*

      "Those geeks have to learn that while they may be clever they are dealing with a superior malevolent force with dark skills honed via the torturing of countless numbers of Lusers, Bean-Counters and Managers.. none of whom were able to bring down the Ultimate Power.

      Let the wars commence!" .... Da Weezil Posted Friday 1st October 2010 14:04 GMT

      A superior benevolent force with every dark skill has wars, history, Da Weezil. And with AI Cleared Memory is a Brave NeuReal Open World for Presentation with Future Populations/Virtual Plantations. ........ which can be Realised on Planet Earth.

      * For Virtual Recolonisation of the Host Planet to an Alternate Configuration, with the Ninth being Sterling Stirling Territory, Beta Delta Programming ..... 4Talking2Minds

  28. bugalugs
    Thumb Up

    bugs'll do

    So ! BOFH and the PFY meet ( what's the word for supplier-staff_gismo-bunnies ? ) !

    Awaiting the next installment makes time fly*, thankyou Simon.

    * making up own plot-lines OC lol

  29. Anonymous Coward


    Truly excellent. BOFH and PFY teaming up against a common enemy is sure to lead to diabolical schemes. The Boss, security, and other normal antagonists are sure to get hurt in the crossfire, which is much more fun than failing in an overmatched battle with the BOFH.

    Raising a Friday beer to Simon.

  30. Tim Schomer


    'nuf sed

  31. TimS
    Thumb Up


    Good form this week!

  32. Jesthar
    Thumb Up

    Still laughing!

    Thank you, Simon! I needed that after this week!

    Oh, and am I the only one who expected the line:

    “Still, they think they’ve nailed it this time...”

    to be followed up with a nasty nailgun incident? Ah, well, maybe next time ;)

  33. nothere

    Best Episode EVER

    Well maybe not of all times but certainly the best one in a long while.

    Mine's the one with the robotics manual in the breast pocket.

  34. CanadianISP
    Jobs Horns


    Man oh man, do I ever miss seeing Robot Wars on TV :)

  35. cavac
    Thumb Up


    ...though i'd also given the robot a little tune up. Never hurts to make your killer bot a little bit more speed.

    I'd also rewire the remote control so the "Off" button turns off the user (instead of the robot) through some high voltage magic ;-)

  36. Stephen Michael Kellat


    Thank you Simon!

  37. Nexox Enigma


    Now that I've read the BoFH, I know it's safe to get my first cup of coffee for the day.

    I kinda figured that Simon would have had the PFY open the crate while standing at a safe distance, though...

    How long until a killer robot gets locked in the tape safe, and how many bean counters end up in there with it?

  38. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Love It

    So the BOFH and PFY have some *real* competition for a change, instead of all those wimpy office types. I can see they are really going to enjoy this

  39. Charles Osborne

    Now we know the real STUXNET targets.

    But was it from our boys, the robot manufacturer... or a third team from the Postal service tired of "active" packages?

    I hope I left my mains lockouts / chain armor in my coat.

  40. Kurt 5

    Roomba factory service

    Maybe it would be worth sending my Roomba back for service. I wonder how playful their support staff is.

  41. Anonymous Coward


    I have never posted before but this one deserves it!

    I got a great visual from this one!

    This would be absolutely great on film!

    And the sequels!

    I'll be smiling all weekend!

    Thank You!!!

  42. tim 4


    just search youtube for the latest quqdrotor guidance testing...

    disturbing fun as several with up-modded rotors lft from within the central carrier unit....



    Been waiting for a LAUGH like this. The entire office thinks I'm nuts since I burst into laughter spontaneously; but WHO CARES!!


  44. D. M
    Thumb Up

    How many beancounters and bosses

    will fall in front of killing bot sent from both side? I can hardly wait.

  45. ShadowDragon8685

    Oh, thank you!

    I'd just learned that the Stig was outed, which means he must be killed off (The Stig is dead, long live the Stig,) and I needed - clinically needed - some snarky UK-style humor to reenliven me. The Bastard provides! ^_^

    Of course, by now, both sides will know that they cannot open the crates safely, because the other side will have programmed and rigged the robot to come out swinging. The roboticists will probably have learned their lesson about the petrol-powered chainsaw from this one, though, since it requires start-up time and makes noise. How long it is until one side or the other equips the robot with a nail-gun, I wonder?

    Let the games commence! Hopefully with an absolute maximum of middle managers, executive managers, boardmembers, chairpersons, beancounters, executive officers, financial officers and other corporate malingerers (which definition can never include the hard-working members of technical or informational staff) caught in the crossfire as possible.

  46. mittfh

    Other ideas...

    Definitely include a step-up transformer connected to the casing. Just in case the techs aren't wearing very thick rubber-soled shoes. Heck, turn the upper half into a tesla coil dome. Or buy a job lot of "next-gen" tasers and incorporate them into the design. With a suitably amplified potential difference.

    EM pulse generator - fry all electrical equipment within a certain radius of the robot.

    Fuel cell power plant - just make sure the H2 bottle is well protected.

    GPS + flamethrower - as soon as it arrives it goes on the rampage, before the techs have a chance to get anywhere near it. Which also explains the icon I've chosen.

  47. Richard Bragg
    Thumb Up

    Common enemy

    Brilliant, now let battle commence, especially once the two teams realise there is a common enemy present in both camps.

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