back to article Steve Jobs no ninja, says Apple

Apple has denied that Steve Jobs is a ninja and dismissed reports that he was stopped at a Japanese airport with a set of throwing death stars in his hand luggage. But before Jobs' more paranoid rivals in Silicon Valley relax, they should consider that this is exactly the sort of corporate response you'd expect to the …


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  1. TeeCee Gold badge
    Jobs Horns

    Of course he's not a ninja.

    How the hell do you expect him to move around stealthily and undetected at night with the sun shining out of his arse?

  2. Philippe
    Thumb Up

    fantastic stuff

    Congratulations for a very well written and genuinely funny article

  3. rahul
    Jobs Halo

    Pull off his jeans...

    ...and underneath them are the black pajamas, held up with THE black belt, and to round it off, the black turtleneck.

    1. Ben Holmes

      In the words of one Sterling Archer

      "..the tactical Turtleneck? The....Tactilneck?"

    2. Rex Alfie Lee

      And a black circular ring... that encloses the light emitting diode that is his butt...

  4. rahul

    "throwing death stars"

    ... please separate fact (throwing stars) from fiction (death stars), or you will have people making him into Darth Vader.

    1. Jason 24

      Or perhaps a cool idea...

      Throwing stars with lasers on the tips?

    2. Trevor_Pott Gold badge

      "...or you will have people making him into Darth Vader."

      He isn't?

  5. Peter Clarke 1
    Jobs Horns


    Oh no, the great NerdHerder Chuck Bartowski (aka superspy Charles Carmichael) had better watch out next time he goes out on an installation.

    I wonder if anybody showed Steve the cool computer mogul (any resemblence to ...) played by Chevy Chase in series 2? best show on Channel 1/Virgin 1

    Excuse me whilst think of Agent Walker

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward


      Chuck's sister was way better.

  6. Devon_Custard
    Jobs Horns

    Yes he is......

    ninja'd right from under their eyes.......

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    is this his other life?

  8. Edwin

    CEOs and violence

    Steve Jobs throws stars

    Steve Balmer throws chairs

    Mark Zuckerberg throws tantrums

    Amazing innit. Just like my kids, really.

  9. LinkOfHyrule

    Apple gets all the press

    If there were reports of Steve Ballmer getting stopped by airport security with 2,000 smuggled Lambert and Butlers* in his hand luggage no one would give a damn. Jobs gets all the attention from the media, I'm sick of it, I need more opportunities to take the piss out of other tech bigwigs on internet forums!

    *Other brands of cancer causing substances, including asbestos, are available!

  10. Bear Features


    Shouldn't that be iNinja? Then he can sue Japan for infringing on his copyright.

  11. JaitcH
    Jobs Horns

    "skills in mind manipulation, sowing confusion, concealment and ruthlessness"

    Maybe this why the Japanese could out manoeuvre Jobs and have replace all those bad batteries recently whilst the rest of the world accepts his claim that there is no problem.

    BTW, Lemon 4 has officially become OK in the last couple of days with coloured bands of rubber being cancelled and nothing being done to fix the problems which leaves iPhans in exactly the same situation as existed before "AntennaGate" and effectively have been abandoned by Apple. Not to worry, maybe white ones soon and less than a year to Version 5.

    Ninja at work?

  12. Steven Griffiths
    Thumb Up

    He just believes xkcd a bit too much...

  13. Anonymous Coward


    Too late ..... (Breathing heavily thru his black helmet) " No, Bill, I am your father ! "

  14. D. M
    Jobs Horns

    There is no mistake

    Sure he would throw death star. The big "useful" Death Star is too big, it is not sexy. Lord Steve will make it smaller, sexy, and so over priced that only few true super rich iFan may borrow one (since you will never own any iCrap anyway, Steve owns them).

    Lord Steve shall rule the universe forever and ever.

    1. DocFaustus

      What about Lord Larry?

      I believe Lord Larry (Ellison, CEO, Oracle) has dibs on the role of whack-job gaijin samurai/ninja wannabe CEO for the Silicon Valley. It is impossible that Steve the Jobs would be detained by any police, stormtroopers, or Campfire Girls because he has demonstrated the power to cloud men's minds. Proofs of this are many, beginning with how a guy who invented a gadget that could fool the AT&T touch tone system into letting him or anyone buying his gadget could make free phone calls anywhere is the same guy who is getting people around the world to use a cellphone which will only connect through AT&T. Ninja stars are available outside Japan, and may well be as authentic as ninja stars made in Japan because the whole ninja thing is probably a load of crap--most of those daimyos were probably assassinated by their own guards, or by their own families while the guards were drunk, asleep, and/or bribed.

  15. Tigra 07
    Jobs Horns


    "The firm has reportedly said that Jobs was indeed in Japan this summer of vacation, but "the incidents described at the airport are pure fiction"."

    Like i would believe apple over a journalist.

    Apple are completely liars so if they deny it happened, then it certainly did

  16. Anonymous Coward

    Oh come on!

    I love Apple kit, but come on, this is exactly what the Apple/Jobs PR BS machine would say. God forfend they should paint the all glorious cult leader in a bad light!

    1. Aaron 10
      Jobs Halo


      If you were truly an Apple lover, you would NEVER say anything to defame Our Supreme Leader!

  17. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
    Jobs Horns


    A more successful Ashida Kim more like... But yeah, hype++ much for sure.

    (Think about it, there are a lot of people still living that wouldn't be if he really were a ninja)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This is ludicrous

    However, I'm still more likely to believe that Steve Jobs had ninja throwing stars in his bag than I am to believe the reports that there'll be a new iPad before Christmas.

  19. Cunningly Linguistic

    What's the point?

    Had they let him keep the stars he would just have covered them in rubber so that they would work properly and so that his beloved iFanbois would receive a better experience but would be protected from the bad things a star could do.

  20. Pirate Dave Silver badge


    could we ask for an old-geezer deathmatch between Ninja Jobs and Chuck Norris?

    Chuck Norris fixed his iPhone4 antenna problem with a round-house kick to the head.

  21. Tim

    Of course it was fiction

    Sorry to be really quite dull and adenoidal, but there is no airport security when you're flying on your own plane, which is just one of the many nice things about it. Customs yes, but no scanners, wands, pat-downs or queues.

    I was rather hoping the imaginary airport security guard had said, "just mail them back. Not that big of a deal," but it was still an amusing story.

  22. CockKnocker


    Ninjas can walk on water

    Jesus "the fictional character from that kids book" could walk on water

    ergo jesus was a ninja

    As we all know steve j is also jesus, he is definitely a ninja as jesus was a ninja!

    Case Closed!

    Crikey I think I may have hurt my brain trying to think that one through.

  23. Marc 6
    Jobs Halo


    You all got it wrong:

    Ninjas were holding their stars wrong and that's why they missed most of the time.

    He was carrying free samples of a rubber bumper which got the police (as usual) confused.

  24. Shane Kent

    I see a game from this...

    Star throwing Steve versus chair throwing Steve. A flash game, and if Jobs is about to win it sucks up your CPU and crashes.

  25. Craig 28


    It is perfectly possible to like a product while disliking the individuals running the company which produced it, or that company's business practices. I hope that traitor remark was a joke for your sake otherwise I seriously pity you.

    1. Anonymous Coward


      Please look at title then at Icon

      What else would one expect from a mac user :D

      *anon because this post is rather more obnoxious than my usual drivel

  26. Anonymous Coward

    New iPhone feature: shuriken cover

    Rumors go that he bought these not as a souvenir, as much as for the R+D department, next gen iPhone will feature shuriken cover to make the device more attractive on the japanese market.

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