Blighty suffers 'real shortage of serviceable conkers'

There's some grim news today for those kids who are still allowed to play conkers, albeit in full body armour with helmet and visor: the crap summer weather has caused a "real shortage of serviceable conkers". Keith Flett of the Campaign For Real Conkers has warned that conkers are dropping before they've had a chance to ripen …

[Paul 70]

Let's import them

Well, let's import them. I was in France the other week and they have no concept of the game and billions of fantastic conkers just lying on the street. I wish I had bought a bag or two back with me - although I'm bound to have broken some EU regulation or other.

[Anonymous Coward]

OK

I am going to France next week, how does 23 kg of conkers sell for?

[N2]

Oui

I noticed the French conker crop is rather good & yes, I suspect that you will probably be spread eagled against the wall whilst Mr Clipboard Jobs Worth shoves his hand somewhere the sun dosnt shine to make sure theyve got every last one of the offending items...

Whilst a truck with 'Opium Express' painted on the side goes thundering by without so much as a - is all this for personal use Sir?

[yeehaw....]

wait..., what?

is a conker? No IT angle, and this Southeast American is confused.

Minding my own business, drinking first cup of coffee, catching up with things I want/need for the company and now this......

[Sarah Bee]

Re: wait..., what?

Google is your friend.

IT angle is not obligatory.

[yeehaw....]

Google is your fiend, not friend.

And I was forced to when I ran into the Kirsty Allsop story.......

" Oddly oddly onker my first conker"

[yeehaw....]

Sarah Bee.....

Well aware of how the Register works (and Google for that matter)

I still have my Reg Vulture lapel pin from the late 90's/early 2000 - do you?

lol

[Sarah Bee]

Re: Sarah Bee.....

Nope. I was hanging out with rock stars at the time. Still, this is loads more fun.

[Trevor_Pott]

"This is loads more fun."

Um...

[Sarah Bee]

Re: "This is loads more fun."

No, *really*.

[Anonymous Coward]

As far as I know it

Conkers are foul-mouthed squirrels who takes a piss anywhere they damn like.

[N2]

Conkers - IT angle?

They are used to deter spiders & moths, which if uncontrolled in your server room may cause all sorts of problems.

All you need do is place a large sack of conkers near the air conditioning intake for your server room...

only $100 USD per Kg + delivery

& the problem is sorted.

[Anonymous Coward]

WCC

>Quite how the emergency will hit the World Conker Championships, scheduled for 10 October in Ashton, Northants, remains to be seen.

It's in Ashton, so it can't get that much worse.

[JasonW]

Plenty here in SE Scotland

Lots blown off the trees prematurely, but they're otherwise ripening nicely more or less on the standard timetable.

[Jason Hall]

Damn moths

Not just that, it's the damn moths too.

I haven't seen any trees that aren't infected anywhere near my home town.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/earthnews/3352573/Conker-shortage-caused-by-moth-invasion.html

Not good.

[Tom 38]

This BS gets pulled up every year

There's no shortage of conkers, except where there are no more horse chestnut trees. Got thousands of the buggers myself :/

[mantavani]

Forcing kids to wear goggles?

You couldn't make it up.

Oh wait, actually, yes you could:

http://www.fivechinesecrackers.com/2009/12/how-mail-reacts-when-one-of-its-myths.html

Tabloid fail.

[Anonymous Coward]

Conkers? Bonkers, more like!

"Some schools have forced pupils to wear goggles while playing" — No wonder they're all shifting over to knives, guns, alchopops and chlamydia to get their thrills!

[LinkOfHyrule]

How about....

...Extreme Conkers! Or Urban Conkers! No...? Virtual Conkers? ConkesVille? Conkr.com? iConk?

[LesB]

Talking of making things up...

You're quoting a story in the Sun which quotes permanent occupant of the Grauniad letters page Keith Flett?

Well, it might be a different Keith Flett, I suppose. Or either of the Keith Fletts might *really* be running a Campaign for Real Conkers. But I suspect "bonkers" might be more like it....

[Anonymous Coward]

Keith Flett?

I thought they had learned to recognise his writing on the envelope?

[Geoff Webber]

Conkers - Bonkers

I suspect that the shortage will be exacerbated by the strange procedure of placing conkers in the corners of rooms to stave of imminent (and fatal) attacks from spiders.

It does work honest!

[Anonymous Coward]

"It does work honest!"

Not as reliably as a bloody great big wooden mallet: Wallop! Have some of that, you overlegged maneating odd bod.

I know someone who used to think she was being clever by using the hoover to get 'em, until the day she changed the bag and one viciously leapt out and attacked her like the Terminator crawling into the press after Sarah Connor. Well, she saw something move in the bag, at least... which was tantamount to the same thing in her book. So she sellotaped the hole to seal it in and threw the bag into next door's wheelie bin. She's 35. And single.

[Haku]

Big scary spiders!

It amazes me just how scared people can be of spiders, even big grown men who could adequately defend themselves in a bar brawl.

Which is why I like to dig up at every opportunity this pic I snapped of one that once walked across my keyboard:

http://www.haku.co.uk/pics/KeyboardSpider.jpg

:D

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: "It does work honest!"

I'm terrified of spiders. I'm 21, male, and not single.

Your point?

[Anonymous Coward]

Jessie

His point was that you are a big jessie.

Clear enough for you?

[JaitcH]

Let them play Marbles!

May be the 'gob stopper' size marbles would satisfy a pre-teens needs to play with spheroids.

[asiaseen]

But

then the 'elfns mob would require said pre-teens to wear full face masks to prevent them stopping their gobs

[John 61]

Tom 38 is on the right track...

I live near 7 or 8 (one of which is diseased, right outside the front door) (non native) trees and the conkers are coming along quite nicely. I've been playing since I was five years old, and supplied then entire primary school with them too. Later it become the secondary school. I've *NEVER* been short of the things. Even now I'm 40, the trees are still providing them by the carrier bagful and that includes the diseased one. I suggest Mr Flett should come up north, as they are still on the trees here. Another two weeks and they'll fall off by themselves. No need for kids to throw stuff (including their younger friends) at them as the wind is now getting up. Early October is the best time.

Coat, cos I'll be off soon to get me nephews some.

[Willum08]

Shortage of Conkers ?

Should please the 'Health and Safety' Jobsworths :)

[Gordon Henderson]

What the HSE *really* say on conkers:

http://www.hse.gov.uk/myth/september.htm