back to article NHS spunks £7.5k on porn room

Liverpool Women's NHS Foundation Trust has incurred the wrath of the Sun by spunking £7,500 on a "special room" kitted out to help chaps deliver vital supplies of man oysters. The trust's fertility centre shared the cost of "computer equipment worth £4,625, flat screen TVs costing £2,225 - plus £500 of blue movies" with …


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  1. Anonymous John

    The Taxpayers' Alliance

    Who are they exactly? I pay tax, but how dare they claim to speak for me? They've never canvassed my opinion, or invited me to join.

    1. Anonymous Coward

      @anon John

      And some of the outright toss they come out with beggers belief. So much so that I am not even going to back that statment up with any evidence.

    2. Marvin the Martian

      They're just like the Audit Office

      They claim to be independent (which they are in the sense of non-gov and non-quango), but just push a rightwing small-government agenda of destroying anything that doesn't immediately and financially benefits the middle class.

      1. Dave 3

        Not like the NAO

        The National Audit Office is a statutory body, it reports to parliament.

        The Taxpayers' Alliance is a think tank.

    3. Dave 3

      Sieze the day!

      "They've never canvassed my opinion, or invited me to join."

      Chin up poppet. I'm sure they'll let you join if you ask nicely.

    4. Matt D

      who are the Taxpayers' Alliance?

      To quote the *other* TaxPayers' Alliance (at www.taxpayersalliance.ORG - yes rather confusing):

      "it isn't an alliance of ordinary taxpayers at all. It is an alliance of right-wing ideologues. Its academic advisory council is a who's who of the proponents of discredited Thatcherite policies, including Eamonn Butler and Madsen Pirie of the Adam Smith Institute, academics Patrick Minford and Kenneth Minogue, and former Institute of Directors policy head Ruth Lea."

      So no, they don't speak for you, they speak for people who are already richer than we'll ever be and want to stay that way.

  2. Arnold Lieberman
    Thumb Up

    Someone has to say it


  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What a load of wank

    surely The Sun could simply donate a few copies and let these generous gents get there jollies to Debbie, 23, from Southend instead?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Never mind the copies...

      Couldn't they donate a few originals?

  4. mhoulden

    Not the TPA again

    Is there anything that bunch of whingers wouldn't moan about? I preferred the days when rentaquotes came from back bench Tory MPs rather than right wing lobbying groups.

  5. Jaap stoel

    No photoshoot?

    Something like this deserves to be reported with plenty of pictures!

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Title is required

    Given the amount of malware and nastiness that tends to lurk on porn sites, it seems far safer to offer them videos/DVDs rather than an Internet connection. P.S. I wonder if the £500 of porn includes any specialised fetish stuff for those who aren't interested in anorexic Barbie dolls.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      its the NHS

      of course they will, £500 should cover a sufficiently PC broad spectrum of (non-extreme, because that's naughty) tastes and ethnicities

    2. Marvin the Martian
      Thumb Up

      "Just an internet connection"

      I like the TPA logic: "here's a cable, it's a high speed internet connection, enjoy your viewing! --- that saves the NHS buying two TVs".

      Or do they think that two pc's plus screens would be equally free as the bother of keeping these malware-free --- two internet-facing computers left alone with the unsupervised w*nkers seems to be asking for trouble.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In all probability

    its recovered from the actual cost of fertilisation treatment, which cannot be claimed as an expense, unlike WJ's hubby tried to do (no we have not forgotten ).

  8. Timjl

    On the one occasion

    when I have been required to provide a sample there was no stimulating material of any type provided. UCH cost efficiency there.

  9. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    Thinks of that scene from The Right Stuff...

    Surely all you need is to hum the Marines Hymn really, really loudly...

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Paper is more expensive

    Paper "facilitators" cannot be disinfected to "hospital standard" after use. Cough... cough... They will actually cost more than AV over the equipment depreciation period.

    Paris, as she will cost even more...

    1. Anonymous Coward


      This occured to me, trying to retain from decorum, surely some form of covering for said equipment would required? That's organic material your chucking about there!

      "Rhythm magazines" can get very tatty over time, with too much use...erm so I am led to believe.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        What a productive use of my time this is...

        >>>>"Rhythm magazines" can get very tatty over time, with too much use...erm so I am led to believe.


        Surely some sort of music stand would solve this problem, and give plenty of re-use. As well as freeing up the other hand for texting, eating cream cake or interchangeable use for those ambidextrous wankers...

  11. Anonymous Coward


  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    what is the world coming to?

    However congratulations on this seminal piece of writing.

  13. Anonymous Coward

    Gift aid

    "Southampton University Hospital NHS Trust gets its jazz mags free from the publisher."

    Aww, which one?? I think this is such a really nice gesture I wanna know who the thoughtful smut merchant is!

  14. This post has been deleted by its author

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Where do I sign up...

    Erm, this is a shared facility; the NHS didn't stump up all the costs & it probably cost alot more in managerial junkets/meetings to organise than the equipment itself. Personally I applaud such schemes - a friend of mine had to give a "sample" some years ago - he was ushered into a cold, dimly lit grubby room furnished with a basic plastic chair and a wonky legged table and some well thumbed copies of certain low quality magazines. Understandably he had some trouble in producing a sample under such conditions. A well kitted out room should help to stimulate a more reliable and faster response from the patient/donor whilst helping to reduce the fear/embarassment suffered.

    1. Graham Marsden

      "a friend of mine..."

      Ah, right, yes, a *friend*, of course... ;-)

    2. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: Where do I sign up...

      "....this is a shared facility...."

      I have to say that I find that rather more disturbing than the grubby room with the wonky table and so on.

  16. Kingprawn


    ...on computer gear or £7500 for wet wipes over a year to clean the keyboard attached to the PC with internet access.

    I do see what all the fuss is about as I don't think the NHS has tossed the money down the drain.

    Grenade because that's another thing that gets tossed.

  17. Elmer Phud

    Taxpayers Alliance?

    TA are a bunch of right-wing UKIP rejects - if anything they make the UKP look like a bunch of lightweight liberals. They'd prefer a big union flag to raise thier feelings to where they would attempt to keep the Empire running. That or just praying to a figurine of Mrs T for fertility. .

    They don't want any old Thomas, Richard or Harold (who may not actually be English) procreating.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In a certain south London hospital

    You have to do the deed in a toilet on another ward. Nowhere in that section to do the deed. Quite how you're supposed to produce quality jizz for testing or insemination when you're stuck in a cubicle stinking of crapola I have no idea. Add to that blocking up a toilet for a (potentially desperate and about to soil themselves) patient and overall it left a very unsatisfactory experience all round.

    £7.5k may be a bit much for such a room but I'd rather have that than the stinking "wankers' karzi" any day.

  19. Robert E A Harvey

    Lack of imagination

    I don't understand why the clients would even need pictures. Surely a mental image of the little lady at home would be enough? And if it isn't, surely that is an important part of the diagnosis?

    Who are all these people wearing white coats?

  20. Chris Hatfield


    I wonder if the room is in use outside normal working hours. It may have been approved by senior NHS managers, so they could spank their own monkey. Just sayin'.

    Struggling to find reasons why they were justified:

    - there may be a legitimate case of wanting dudes to produce good quality and quantity of spunk; it might just be necessary. It must waste a lot of time when people can't choke the chicken - tick-tock, tick-tock; time is money.

    - Also, in this day and age, I feel people have become 'spoiled' in terms of pr0n.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Whatever happened to rubber-glove wearing, prostate-tickling matron?

    1. Graham Marsden

      The matron...

      ... was contracted out to the Private Sector and now is doing the same job for £150 a hour for "tired city gents"...

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton



  23. Richard IV
    Paris Hilton

    Sense of proportion

    How much? Less than 10 grand. And it hasn't exactly been wasted - the equipment, while sounding a bit on the pricey side and a touch excessive (why TV plural?), is actually being used; although I suspect that it would have been a lot cheaper to use the chief exec's cast-off laptops without wiping the contents (ugh!) first - AND they'd have got better, but probably illegal, porn.

    Let's face it, it's not exactly on a par with the billions extra over 30 years that the various NHS PFI schemes are costing.

  24. Lamont Cranston

    If the trust "shared the costs" of

    IT (£4,625), a telly (£2,225) and some DVDs (£500), and managed to spend £7,500, is this a euphemism for "subsidising a private facility"? Or are the Sun and the TPA just bad at adding up numbers?

    Also, closing one's eyes is basically free, if you ignore the initial setup costs (which are met by the service user, not the provider).

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Having used the old style facilities...

    ...I didn't think there was anything wrong with the old style paper copies. Replace them every so often, nice and easy.

    Besides, would you want to go in and touch that keyboard if it had been in use all day?

  26. Anonymous Coward

    I thought the Snu would be behind this sort of thing

    and perhaps drive over their bus of page 3 girls to lend support

    1. The Nameless Mist

      Typical ..

      .. what about us guys who preferred the Page 8 Mate ?

      1. Anonymous Coward

        Oh yeah, sorry

        I'll get them to send along the other bus as well...

  27. No, I will not fix your computer

    I for one..... not that quote

    Hey, £7.5k is a tad expensive, but I wouldn't like to use crispy second-hand (litterally) magazines, plus it recognises the value of our wigglies, in these new days of loss of anonymity of donors (and decreasing numbers of donors) it should also be recognised it's an important service, I suspect that you're still getting a good bang for your buck, averaged out over the cumming months it's probably quite cheap for each (money) shot.

  28. Is it me?

    How dare they...

    Bringing the NHS donation service kicking and screaming into the century of the fruitbat.....

    Anyway isn't paper dead?

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon


      "Anyway isn't paper dead?"

      It certainly is. At least it doesn't grow when I plant it.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    Wish they had this when I had to leave a deposit, I had to knock one out in the toilet as there was no "facility" for such, despite testing the stuff there.

    Analysis was normal, BTW.

  30. This post has been deleted by its author

  31. xyz Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    As someone who has used such a room....

    ...what is needed is a bigger jug to hold the stuff in!

    I'm not joking here...trying to aim at a sub 40mm diameter opening at the critical point is almost effin impossible. I've even tried wedging me todger end in there and it still doesn't work.

    Oh and there's never any tissues to mop up the little buggers that have escaped being potted.

    The one I went to ,the room was just behind reception, so listening to Tracy and Sharon discussing Darren whilst trying to beat the retreat...well you can imagine,

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Complaining about this is ridiculous

    Yes, it's all very amusing, nudge-nudge.

    It's not so funny when you are in the position of having to produce a sample on demand during IVF treatment. Knowing that your partner is about to undergo an uncomfortable and expensive procedure which has a good chance of not working is not really conducive to getting the job done and being stuck in a broom cupboard with a couple of dog-eared, old magazines doesn't help either.

  33. Anonymous John

    I can't believe I'm the first

    to ask for a Playmobil reconstruction.

    Actually, the NHS is probably doing this on the cheap. I expect BUPA hospitals provide scantily dressed nurses.

    1. Cantab
      Paris Hilton

      Beat me to it!

      Darn, I thought I was going to get in first there, how did no one request one earlier!

    2. Mr Grumblefish


      British Union of Pornographic Actresses?

      You're confusing the colonials.

  34. Mike Brown


    just hire hot nurses to greet the donors. boom. job done.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Paris Hilton

      Surely if they get the ....

      .... hot nurses to lend a hand it should speed the process up a bit ....

      Paris because, well you can guess.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    Obviously, me and my missus have gone with the wrong IVF clinic!

    (On the NHS for a previous attempt, I found it hilarious that there was a drawer marked 'magazines' in the little room that they provide. Not a stinking karzi in sight though as per previous poster, so can't complain...)

    Anonymous, obviously, and Paris... oh, never mind.

  36. Shane Orahilly
    Paris Hilton

    If they need all this help

    One can only assume the aesthetic qualities of the staff have dropped. Couple of young nurses dressed a la Carry On , and maybe a septuagenerian (in case Rooney drops in to make a deposit), all sorted.

    Paris - always willing to lend a hand with such issues.

  37. LinkOfHyrule

    Sounds like a good investment and a great room!

    I would of loved one just like it when I was a teenager! Oh hang on, I had one, It was called my bedroom!

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    British production levels

    Are they affected by the "assisting material" having to meet British legal requirements.

    I wonder how the figures stack up.

    Is British production smaller than say for example Denmark or Germany (where I hear) their stuff has greater potency?

    I wonder what nations with stricter laws do...

  39. Tim Jenkins


    First Reg discussion to have me crying with laughter...

  40. Anonymous Coward

    This calls for the 'Big Society'!!

    "The Sun notes that other fertility centres "provide a similar service by spending less than £100 a year on magazines to stimulate patients". "

    Yes, and, if like me you have the good fortune to be in Hammersmith Hospital fertility/embryology dept's sperm production room, you'll note the magazines have a certain disconcerting 'thumbed' quality.

    No doubt in the 'Big Society', such wastefulness will be obviated by the millions of volunteers standing by to wank off cancer patients...


  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Its the IP rating that cost the money

    Splash proof sheets just don't do enough

  42. mark l 2 Silver badge

    lap dancers

    For £7500 they could get lap dancers to perform live shows for those making their 'deposits'

    Whats wrong with a few laminated jazz mags with wipe clean covers?

  43. David McMahon

    Just get...

    some lovely nurses to do a show!

    Keep the uniform standard, but shorter! :)

  44. JimC

    I can't help thinking

    That a little assistance from the prospective mother ought to be all that is required, no need for videos or magazines... I'm never likely to be in the situation, but I think I'd find the thought of producing one's future offspring jacking off to some bit of random porn to be rather sordid and demeaning: wouldn't be it be more in the spirit of the event if the partner were to, well, lend a helping hand?

  45. Ken 16 Silver badge

    Pay per view

    and they'll get their money back in no time - saw that business model working in Amsterdam

    I'm sure I had more €2 coins in this pocket

  46. Simon Millard
    Black Helicopters


    I suppose after a few punters have been through the cubicles, it would be hard to open the mags.

  47. Andus McCoatover

    Why is it...

    ... when I looked at the title on the homepage, I KNEW Lester wrote it!!

    But, surely the internet Xh*mster would be a better bet. With a new mouse for each customer, natch - Don't want the nurses to have to clean 3 balls, after all that jazz....

    Lester - give the playmobil a miss on this one. Ta muchly.

  48. Atonnis


    I wonder if it needed to be a particularly fancy room due to being at the Liverpool Women's Institute.....

  49. Richard Wharram


    I'd always assumed a nurse take the sample.

  50. Ben Rosenthal

    Taxpayers Allience

    never heard of you, but it sounds like you are advocating copyright theft here -

    "Most people would think all a fertility clinic needs these days is an internet connection"

    I can supply many things with only an internet connection, but not so many legally without stumping up some HARD earned ;D

  51. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Welfare for wankers

    At least bankers aren't the only wankers the taxpayers stumping up for, although I do find it odd that Liverpool males need so much kit to facilitate a simple hand job. Are they a bit thin on imagination, perhaps? I would have thought a CCTV feed from the nurses changing rooms should do it.

  52. Dave 3

    Why IVF on the NHS?

    I don't see why IVF is provided by the NHS. I don't think it's something taxpayers should have to stump up for.

  53. Anon NHS IT flunkey

    And now for a "well actually"...

    NHS organisations receive their internet connection through a private national network called 'N3'. This is filtered and monitored at both a national and local level, and runs over dedicated lines into the buildings.

    In order to provide internet access to the websites needed for such a venture would require installing a seperate, local connection with the associated costs of running cables from the local exchange into the building, through 'clean' parts of the hospital to the required area.

    The cost of doing this would be far more than £7,500.

    As to why they need an expensive 'wank suite' compared to a pile of suspiciously crispy jazz mags? I can only assume cleanliness, and wanting to attract more doners are the reasoning.

    Specs, for the geek response ;)

  54. Simon Millard


    Do they have lino or carpet on the floor?

  55. Hugh Jorgen
    Paris Hilton

    Good day out.....

    Is there a time limit?

    Do they expect a 'wham bam thank you pam' or can you have a leisurely afternoon with pants round ankles having a tug of war with cyclops?

    Paris - I donated at the office, thanks!

  56. Anonymous Coward


    RCHT spend £5? I think you'll find that someones put that they spent £5 and then pocketed it!

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