back to article BOFH: Little ups and downs

"I... uh..." the Boss says, wandering into Mission Control aimlessly, searching for the right words to bring up whatever's on his mind. "Yes?" I ask, letting him off the hook. "The lifts" he says cryptically.. "The lifts?" I repeat.. "The buttons on the lifts" he says. "They have buttons - yes - well spotted," I say. " …


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  1. Llewsion
    Paris Hilton


    Aaahh what a great lift idea, why didnt i think of that??

    now has anyone seen my tool kit?

    Paris - because she likes riding up and down for and hour and 15 minutes too

  2. TheBully
    Thumb Up

    Genius :)

    Great to see the BOFH back on form again :)

  3. sazoo

    a title

    Oh I do like this idea...:-) now if only our 3 story ancient building had lifts...:-(

  4. Rosuav

    Where's the entirely false 8th floor?

    ... with the fake room 822, false maid, and false foreign minister? Missed the Get Smart reference by that much!

    Good fun. As everyone knows, if you install the hardware, you can always add the software later!

    1. David McMahon


      a Chinook?

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    this episode has more up and downs than the oldest profession in the world :)

    I approve wholeheartedly of impromptu lift maintenance with added functionality!

  6. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Take the Green Pill .... IT solves Everything Perfectly.

    Errr .... how do you think the meds are working, Simon? A little too much ... or a little too little?

  7. Steve X


    I like the idea of new(floor), especially if it could initialize floor.stationery_cupboard = &pub

    Would need better garbage collection that most JVMs, though, or the whole place would soon be cluttered up with dangling unreferenced managers.

  8. Justin 11

    There are some who only need down... ALL the way.

    (Sigh!) If only there were a way to install a "go straight to hell and suffer for all eternity" button, I could think of one purchaser I'd persuade to press it. "Press doors-open AND doors-close AND 6 three times and it'll take you to a place where they think it really *is* a good idea to modify an expert sysadmin's order to your criteria".

    Sorry, but I feel better now.

  9. Duncan Robertson 1
    Thumb Up


    Friday has been brightened again!

  10. George Nacht

    As a long time employee

    of an elevator making company, I must regretfully say: Apage, Satanas!

    Must resist temptation....Must resist temptation....

  11. Fluffykins Silver badge

    @Justin 11

    Lie down.......................deep breaths........................steady....steady.

    In.................and out.

    There. Feel better?

  12. Anonymous Coward


    Surely this reality implodes once you go beyond the available floors of the hardware.

  13. A K Stiles

    Index beyond array boundary

    Wouldn't that cause a memory leak, or perhaps that would be caused by the falling ceiling tile?

  14. T-Unit

    A typo?

    I hate to be a pedant* but:


    The same as 9, but for 30 minutes."

    9 was the one that takes you to the floor with the hottest woman. 10 was the one that goes up and down randomly for 15 minutes.

    * This is the opposite of the truth

    1. Clinton


      I was thinking the same thing.

    2. Lionel Baden



      1. Yeik


        I read over that two or three times to make sure it wasn't me reading it wrong. But why wouldn't you want to see the hot woman for 30 minutes instead of just stopping at her floor, maybe she would come over because the elevator got stuck on the floor and she might need to use it, then you get to say, I think its broken, lets take the stairs.

        1. theSensibleGeek
          Thumb Up

          Are you crazy?

          When the hot chick comes over to the elevator, you invite her in and press 11 several times. Good times! Of course, she may just not be into you, in which case, put on your gas mask and press 12!

    3. Steven Knox

      I thought the same thing...

      but apparently my comment on it offended someone...

  15. Mark York 3 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    The Bastard is back

    But I'm thinking he is mellowing a bit (but still keeping PFY on his leash), while the PFY is getting nastier (must be all that shock therapy that Simon arranged).

  16. Trygve Henriksen

    Better than what I ever considered...

    All I've ever wanted to do with he lifts at the office is to go to the basement and fiddle with the 'up' button, turning it upside down, and adding some red lights in the shaft(possibly together with a smoke machine) which is to activate as the elevator arrives...

  17. Craig Vaughton
    Thumb Up



    I'm slightly worried though that the PFY may have infiltrated the crew that "renovated" the lifts in the building I work in and used the 4 we have as a test bed. The logic sounds similar.

  18. Duke of URL

    mildly amusing

    This was mildly amusing until the very last. WTF is a "quick ruby"? His favorite bartender is a 20-minute prostitute?

    1. Anonymous Coward

      What's a ruby?

      Bloody hell, you haven't worked in London, have you?

      1. Duke of URL
        Thumb Down


        Work in London? Not just no, but HELL NO. Closest I ever came to Sludge City was a couple of hundred miles, and that was bad enough. Looked at your link - couldn't spot any reference to rubies, but am taking it for granted that it's one of those food-like substances you eat there.

        1. BossHog

          Careful, son.

          You're not making any friends in the East End, mate!

  19. rototype


    nuff sed.

  20. Chris Curtis


    You could make a "straight to hell" button. Unfortunately it would break the next time the lift brakes are serviced.

  21. skeptical i

    No 13th floor?

    It could randomly replicate the function of any of the other floor buttons.

    "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya', punk?"

  22. MartinBZM

    Burn Baby, BURN!

    In the elevator where the ground level isn't level with the "ground".


  23. Anonymous Coward

    Not useful in my building...

    Only has two floors... and the only elevator I've seen that's actually slower when descending than rising. Somehow the fire key operation for an elevator that only goes to two floors amuses me though...

  24. Herby

    Elevators ARE fun!

    Couple of things:

    1) In a galaxy far far away, a long time ago (over 40 years), while I was in the 3rd form, the elevators in the school house were reserved for "non students" (how cruel!). They were a bit more primitive than today in that they had swing doors. Said doors had contacts that confirmed that they were closed (how safe). I found it "compensating" to apply a piece of scotch tape over said contacts after moving the elevator car to the highest floor. Got my BOFH training early in life (over 40 years ago!). It was mentioned in "morning reports" the second time I did it. It seems that they didn't like calling the elevator repair service out for a $$$$ bill.

    2) A few years later we equipped the elevator in the building I worked in with a complete remote control (sadly before microprocessors were common). It was a wonderful wired umbilical we put on the top of the car. We included a com line for the "emergency telephone", and an override for the "emergency stop" button.

    What FUN!!

  25. Graham Lee

    Nearby lifts

    I've worked in a couple of multi-story buildings around Oxford, UK, and been in many others. Many of the elevators are made by a company called....Schindler's Lifts. No joke.

    1. DaveLeeTravis

      Schindlers Lifts

      Haha. Our lifts are made by these guys. There's nothing like a bit of inappropriate laughter about the holocaust to brighten one's morning.

  26. Scu

    The 13th floor

    I haven't found a building in the US that actually has a floor labeled "13"- they all skip it, deemed unlucky.

    For some reason I really enjoy asking someone to "hit 13 for me" in one of these elevators, usually in a hotel or something where someone isn't familiar with the place.

    It's starting to irk my wife a bit though.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    we have the old BOFH and PFY back, the previous episodes sounded more like to to pub lashups, this one is the essence of the BOFH

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