back to article Extreme porn now illegal north of the border

If you thought you could hide your extreme porn stash in a secluded location north of the border – think again. For this week, the Scottish Parliament finally fell into line with its English counterpart south of the border, passing laws - included within the Criminal Justice Bill - making it a criminal offence to possess images …


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  1. Anonymous John

    "other non-consensual penetrative sexual activity".

    How s the CPS going to prove that the sheep/horse/other animal didn't consent?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward


      Presumably they'll do it in the same way that they can prove a child didn't consent - They can't.

      1. Disco-Legend-Zeke

        "The First Time...

        ...I had sex, her mother was watching."

        "Her Mother? What did she say?"


      2. Anonymous John

        They possibly could

        but as they are under the age of consent, it's irrelevant.

    2. Gregor

      "How s the CPS going to prove that the sheep/horse/other animal didn't consent?"

      I would suggest that they wouldn't, what with the legal system in Scotland being rather outwith their jurisdiction.

  2. Version 1.0 Silver badge

    Is this a joke?

    An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"

    "Ya mean women?" asked the local fella. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks use sheep."

    "That's disgusting," said the correspondent. I've never heard of such moral degradation."

    However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her, and tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

    Afterward, he escorted the sheep to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his woolly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

    "You bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been doing it with sheep for years, but when I do it you look at me like I am some sort of pervert!"

    One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up and said, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

    1. Disco-Legend-Zeke

      Same Joke...

      ...but it's pigs.

      City boy is not having fun, so complains, "This is no fun!"

      Country boy replies, "Well no wonder, you picked the ugliest one."

  3. Anonymous Coward

    Why do scotsman wear kilts?

    Because the sheep can hear zippers.

  4. Anonymous Coward

    What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

    Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"

    The Scotsman says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

  5. Anonymous Coward

    What's the difference between a sheep and a Yugo?

    It's marginally less embarrassing being seen getting out of the back of a sheep.

  6. Version 1.0 Silver badge

    I assume this is OK - since there's no image or factual statement?

    A few months back there was an interesting trial in Scotland. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep. The key witness was an old man who was walking along the highway by the farm where the offense supposedly occurred. The prosecutor asked what the witness saw.

    "Well, I was walking along, and saw this sheep eating grass, and then this guy walked up behind the sheep quietly, and unbuckled his belt, dropped his drawers, and pulled the sheep real close."

    "And then what?" asked the prosecutor. "Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. Then, afterward, the sheep turned around, and licked him! I never saw anything like that in my life."

    Just then one of the jurors whispered to the juror next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that . . ."

    1. Disco-Legend-Zeke

      "Damn... Good...

      ...pumpkin." Frank Zappa.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    One thing's been worrying me...

    If an animal _did_ object to what the human was doing to / with it, then they have some pretty persuasive method of showing that they object.

    Anyone who's been kicked or bitten by a horse will tell you that these critters just do not fsck about. Dogs too have the ability to rip various (previously) hard bits off a human with little or no problem.

    And the politicians are trying to say that the animals are being _forced_ to suffer these things. What have they been smoking? NO ONE in their right mind would place any part of their unprotected anatomy next to an animal and try to force it to accept something that it didn't want, or something that hurt it.

    As for my experience / expertise on which I base my comments, head groom of a stables a large number of years ago and have kept dogs and children most of my life. And have been bitten and kicked by all three types of critter.

    Paris, because, just because!!!

    1. Version 1.0 Silver badge
      Thumb Up


      that's why you stick their back legs in your wellies - stops 'em kicking.

    2. Anonymous John

      And cats

      I had one once that, quite understandably, didn't want the vet sticking a thermometer up her bum. And she made it very clear. The vet gave up eventually, and it was the only time I've ever been treated by a vet.

  8. Graham Bartlett

    @Anonymous John

    "So, Dobbin, did you agree to it?"


    "And Flossy, how did you feel afterwards?"


    And to the tune of "Scotland the Brave"...

    Pass me the whiskey, mother

    I'm feeling frisky, mother

    I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night

    I need a lover, mother

    No, not my brother, mother

    I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night

    1. Anonymous Coward

      Wrong words

      Close, but not good enough. The real words are:

      Bring me the whisky, Mother

      I'm feeling frisky, Mother

      Fetch me a sheep for I am lonely tonight

      No, not my brother, Mother

      I need a real lover

      England may rule the world but Scotland's depraved!

      As to the matter of consent, some people need to learn that "Baaa!" means "No".

  9. Noa

    however some cats!

    Anonymous John's reminded me of when I had to take my cat to the vets. He didn't relish visits to the vet, just getting him out of the pet carrier in the surgery was a hazardous 2 man job..then comes the thermometer, i was expecting a battle and resistance from the old fella but oh no, the moment the vet popped it up his bottom, puss-cat changed from a rigid, hissing, scratching, yowling hate-filled fiend to a floppy, purring, dribbling was really quite embarrassing!!

  10. Anonymous Coward

    But is this actually a joke?

    4 blokes in a prison cell. A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a masochist.

    The zoophile says "If there was a cat here I'd screw it till I pass out".

    The sadist nods and says "Once you're done with it I'd screw it to death".

    The necrophiliac sighs "Oh yeah and once it was dead I'd screw it till I passed out".

    The masochist bloke sitting in the corner very softly says "meow"

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Good show for the smaller islands, so far

    Hope they keep their heads level and the resistance to silly me-too laws up. We really don't need more (inevitably bad) laws to appease the (dirty minded) morality crowd.

  12. Oliver 7

    Old ones are the best...

    I'm into sado-masochism, necrophilia and bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?

  13. Anonymous Coward

    Billy C

    As the Big Yin once said, "Take 'em to the edge of the cliff, they push back harder! Now then...."

    No? Suit yourselves!

  14. OldDogNewWalk

    Sorry about this...

    Although it was the relevance of pic.3 that caught my eye there are some other crackers too.

  15. h4rm0ny


    I'm not into horses (okay, bad phrasing) but I know someone who owns a horse and apparently it's quite necessary for a horse owner to masturbate a male horse from time to time. At least if the horse isn't getting any the natural way. It's a bit of a common source of risqué humour amongst horse owners, particularly women ones. Gives a whole new meaning to stable hand. I don't know if anyone gets turned on by whacking off a two foot cock, but I expect some do a bit.

    So basically, by this law, that act is now illegal? Seriously, I don't know who would want to have sex with a horse, but suggesting that a horse couldn't stop someone if it didn't want that is pretty silly. Maybe if you fastened the horse up in thirty foot of rope and strong fastenings you could force yourself on a horse, but anything less and an unwilling horse would put a hoof through your head. They are *strong*.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Big Brother

      It would seem

      Only if you photograph it.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Masturbating horses

      I suspect you've either fallen for a myth or somebody was pulling your leg.

      1. "necessary ... if the horse isn't getting any the natural way" It's a well-known myth that males need sex. Tell that to your wife or girlfriend by all means, if it encourages her to perform, but really there's no physiological need for sex.

      2. "necessary for a horse owner to masturbate a male horse" Most other animals don't need the prolonged rubbing that humans seem to need: they can go from flaccid to fully erect and ejaculating in half a second and I'm told a horse can do that without any assistance (as illustrated on the cover of "Haus der Lüge" by Einstürzende Neubauten in case you know that record). In fact, some horse breeders used to worry about that wasted seed and attach brushes to stop a stallion from just erecting and ejaculating whenever it felt like it.

      So, I think you're probably quite wrong about horse owners having to masturbate stallions. If they do it, they're doing it for themselves, I would guess.

      However, I am happy to be corrected by anyone with real personal experience of horses.

  16. proto-robbie

    C ewe l8er

    Just after I bought my new wellies too. And now there won't be anyone else in Aberdeen willing to buy them either.

  17. Boab Chipeska
    Paris Hilton

    Cheap Viagra!

    I believe it was Jimmy Carr who asked: "If you were a necrophiliac, a paedophile and a zoophile, then would you fuck an egg?". If someone actually videotaped it, then would it be considered 'extreme' porn? For the love of some delusional non-existent omnipotent being, why cannot I watch a midget transvestite sucking off a horse while playing the vuvuzela?! Who exactly am "I" harming? Of course, it is rather disgusting, but hey, who doesn't have fetishes they'd rather not have anyone find out about? Besides, that's why the Internet was invented. To look up sick and disgusting shit that you wouldn't dare to try for yourself.

    Paedophilia is another matter...

    Paris just because it's ironic.

    P.S. Yes, I am aware there are two sides to every story, but I just bloody hate censorship.

  18. Anonymous Coward

    Forget Mickey Mouse, the haggis needs protection...

    It seems that the feudal states are the last holdouts for freedom.

    Maybe the direct responsibility makes them less inclined to pass dumb laws*.

    It's a dumb law which probably doesn't affect many people but its the thinking behind such laws which offends me. And I really doubt this was something some church-goer thought up. It's gesture politics and it makes for a rubbish legal system.

    *Dumb laws like "you can kill a welshman wiyth a bow after noon on a Thursday within the walls of the City of Nottingham" are cute and therefore exempt from being "dumb". Rather like you can club a fish to death, but not a baby seal.

    Legal system Tony.0 - its made of badgers paws.

  19. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

    Not to give anyone ideas,

    but many animals can get drunk.

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