The iPad will doom humanity to painful bog-roll horror Journalists are always moaning about the ever-accelerating disappearance of printed newspapers and magazines, as this seems likely in many cases to take away their livelihoods. Many of you out there, however, probably care not a snap of your fingers for the welfare of idle (and often dissolute) scribblers who think the world …
Something's wrong with the logic here - how can there be a shortage of raw material if we are all using less paper? Surely all the bog roll manufacturers need to do is to get their hands on the material that would have gone into office paper and newsprint anyway. Cut out the middle process and we should all end up with SUPERIOR wipes!
P.S. If you put a Buddists ashes into the recycling bin - is he guaranteed reincarnation?
Our office cunningly combines microfine paper leafs with the swarf to create an insubstantial yet abrasive fibre compound for this sole purpose. Despite being able to see through it it will still take the surface paint off of metal. The trick is to bring in your own and then leave the cubicle as if a heard of incontinent elephants had been through, much to the amusement of your colleagues.
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As anyone who's spent any time working in India and has "gone native" for their restroom* habits will tell you: bog roll is overrated anyway.
* What a fucking awful, slithery, inappropriate word. If there is one single word that for me sums up perfectly that brand of slimy prudishness specific to the USA, it is "restroom". Eugh. Makes me gag.
I have never, ever heard of "powder your nose". The worst euphemism I hear in English, as opposed to American, is "going to the toilet". Common English terms: gents, ladies, spend a penny, WC, lats, piss, crap, loo (a bit effete but somehow sweet) or "wash my hands|", which is not so far out for the habits of some people. You Americans believe some wonderful myths. I agree on the repulsiveness of "restroom", along with "bathroom" used by people going to a lavatory with barely a basin, let alone a full bath or shower, or "powder room" as if such a thing ever existed outside Hollywood and cocaine parties. But then these people live in Apartments instead of flats and do not have friends or families, just "loved ones".
Anyway, to the point, remember the days of Bronco paper that doubled as cheap tracing paper at school? Absorbent? Who needed it? Or Army ration packs with, I think it was, two pieces of that stuff? Or the recycled stuff that seemed still to have half the original cardboard in it? Oh nostalgia. As someone else pointed out, rather a lot of the world uses water from a bidet or those clever Turkish WC bowls with a nozzle or simply a bowl, or not much at all.
Actually, I am astonished that there is a shortage. Something I notice in every office is the sheer volume of high quality paper spewing out of printers, most of it put in the waste paper bin for recycling almost at once.
I was going to complain about what a cr*p article this is, but then I realized as an afterthought that the author was trying to force it, which just ain't healthy. Better take some time and let things work their way out naturally.
Mines the one with the roll of bog paper in one pocket and a book in the other.
Quite obviously the requirement for bog paper proves that inteligent design is a crock of shit, but, how did we manage to evolve to the point where we can't take a crap without writing a 3 page letter about it first ?
Now, considering that Scotsmen don't use knickers under the kilt, does this mean that they have no knowledge of skid marks and therefore have not evolved sufficiently to need bog paper?
As a descendant of the Highlands, I will have you know that the reason nothing is *required* to be worn under the kilt (besides there being no need to constrict God's True Gift), is because we have evolved beyond that. Simply:
1. Set feet.
2. Place each hand on the appropriate hip, gathering the kilt up in the back while doing so.
3. Garner a stern(er) expression, contemplative of doing this reverse-caber.
4. Take a deep breath deep in the diaphragm and exhale smartly and loudly. (Mind any stray droplets from the splash; they tend to scatter as if lambs running from a fire.)
The result passes quickly, leaving our cheeks unblemished and pristine. Now, I'm not saying it smells like roses, but hey, give us another couple hundred years, eh? :)
Considering contemporary "highland dress" (along with "Scottish country dancing") is nothing more than an effete Victorian English contrivance, it is impossible to answer your question as it stands.
I would say, however, that a large handful of nettles will normally suffice in an emergency, thus avoiding the skidmark problem you mention. On the occasions when this becomes necessary, it has the handy added bonus of causing such pain that we can easily help ignorant southern fairies like you perpetuate the stereotype that we are all miserable unevolved torn-faced gits.
Yours,
Brig. Gen. Jock E Brickharde (retd.)
As most toilet paper is not recycled, the use of fewer trees to make paper for other purposes should mean that supplies of paper will be more secure.
But the paperless office has been a myth so far... it is good news if paper recyclers now have proof that it is finally becoming a reality.
As the vast majority of persons worldwide use alternative techniques such as a water bucket and dipper it seems arrogantly colonial to whine about the deteriorating quality of asswipe.
Over here in Canada Sears catalogues can still be found in the odd rural outhouse. Now that's high quality paper! Wipe with catalogues, go green!
There is a simple, eco-friendly way out of this allegedly rough patch (and it even saves those trees for the spotted owls-- or the beetles, and a later fire)!
We, in the US, simply have to go back to circa 1800, and indulge in the gentleman-farmer practice of those Dreadful Revolutionaries, Geo. Washington and Thos. Jefferson:
GROW HEMP!
Not the smoke-able kind; the rope- textile- paper-making kind. Not a buzz in a wheelbarrow-load; and far more productive than any patch of Deep Dixie forest.
Not that the pulp-producers are inefficient, unsustainable, or unable to keep up with demand. 75% of the demand is met with 2nd and 3rd-generation trees; 16% is from plantations of trees specifically grown for the purpose. The remainder: 9% from Old-growth.
Just as most American Christmas trees come from farms....!
The biggest problem with growing hemp for paper is the Prohibition on Wacky Weed. It is rather difficult to tell the THC-loaded variety from the dull kind. And the enforcers of the ban are hardly to be numbered among the Best and Brightest....
Some day we will come to our senses, and we will be able to wipe our nether surfaces with the fluffy products of our legal fields of hemp....! Meanwhile, hang in there!
Maybe the voluminous flood paper from Mr O's District of Columbia will tide us over for the Duration?....
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