I for one...
welcome the arrival of our 5th dimensional overlords
DIMENSIONAL PORTAL INCURSION AT THE LHC!
In shock news, it has emerged that recent record-breaking increases in particle ring energy achieved at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - the most powerful atomsmasher ever assembled by the human race - have caused a hyperdimensional portal leading to an inhabited parallel universe to open up deep beneath Switzerland, in what …
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Thursday 1st April 2010 09:55 GMT Nick Ryan
FAIL...
FAIL.... and you know why I *know* this is a fake story? There's no mention of collaptic im/explosions and therefore it's obviously a total fake.
Next time get your facts (and terminology) correct Mr Page - your reputation as a world class reporter on high level physics will suffer otherwise.
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Thursday 1st April 2010 09:55 GMT Anonymous Coward
CERN forces? Pah!
Shouldn't they be calling UNIT led by Capt'n. Jack to deal with the monsters from the Id?
CERN?? Amateurs!! I might just as well adopt the brace position and rely on the 4000 holes in Blackburn to deflect the reverse polarity of the neutron flow, until our pan-dimensional overlords reach Lancashire.
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Thursday 1st April 2010 09:56 GMT Daniel 1
"Gordon Freeman... It IS you isn't it?"
"Yes, how did you guess?"
"Well, it could be the hazmat suit... but personally, I was tipped off by the fact that you were carrying a rocket launcher; a machine gun; two pistols; a nuclear-powered-vacuum-cleaner thing; a satchel of laser mines, grenades and high explosives, and a living-alien-claw that shoots bugs... Are you here to help the Horde? - No wait! Wrong game!"
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Thursday 1st April 2010 21:56 GMT Graham Wilson
Ah you're wrong mate, it's no joke.
Ah you're wrong mate, it's no joke. And it's been hyped up a bit by El Reg who've overstated the story. This is a better analysis of the facts. Seems that when the LHC hit 6.91TeV microscopic black holes started to form--this is considerably lower than the predicted level of approximately 8.89TeV. Despite the idiotic scaremongering, these microscopic black holes are not an issue in that they are dangerous, for at that size they just evaporate into Hawking radiation in approximately 6 or 7 femtoseconds. Essentially a non-issue, except that the LHC will behave a little differently than expected or predicted.
From preliminary results it's been ascertained with a 0.9 probability the reason for their appearance at this lower energy level is that around about 6.85TeV Planck's Radiation Law becomes non-linear and starts to behave in a manner more akin to that predicted by the earlier Rayleigh-Jeans Law. Needless to say, with non-linearity setting in at 6.85TeV both Planck's constant [6.626 . 10^(-34) m2 kg / s] and the related Stefan-Boltzmann constant will start to deviate from their calibrated values. Moreover, if at these power levels Planck's RL starts to behave as if it were Rayleigh-Jeans, then the conundrum raised by Rayleigh-Jeans--that of the Ultraviolet Catastrophe problem--becomes an issue once again (The U.C. is where observed radiation levels failed to reach theoretical predictions--a once major problem for physics, and it seems perhaps so once again).
What does all this amount to? As we know from CERN press reports, the LHC is soon scheduled to be shut down again for maintenance and recalibration. What CERN is not telling us is the exact reasons why. When we have a machine that requires recalibration because an established law of physics behaves non-linearly at super high power levels and that this is concomitant with the formation of microscopic black holes--even if harmless--then some massaging of the truth is likely to occur.
At this early juncture, CERN doesn't want to excessively frighten the horses in case the funding gets cut off.
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Thursday 8th April 2010 18:28 GMT sweetpea
Huh?
Needless to say? Say what? I don't know if you've been reading these posts, but you ain't speakin to a lot of physicists! Ultraviolet what? Who in heck is Rayleigh-Jeans? Planck's Radiation Law? You aren't related to Steve are ya? 6.91TeV? What kind of TV? Geez, get a life.
(Just kidding). I know that I am no doubt falling for some sort of intellectual prank, but I have heard of TeV, Planck, black holes, (Rayleigh-Jeans got me, though), so you at least aren't making up stuff from whole cloth ( hole cloth in my opinion!) Keep on rockin.
Pete in the scary woods near Ascov MN
Keep your feet dry, your head held high, and your hands held out in peace.
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Thursday 1st April 2010 10:06 GMT Anonymous Coward
Not Available for comment
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Thursday 1st April 2010 10:10 GMT Anonymous Coward
Confirmed
I live in geneva, and can confirm unusually strange goings-on. This morning the whole Geneva area was full of weird whitish gaseous cloud, and very rapidly over the last few minutes this is being penetrated and dispersed by harsh cosmic radiation and unusually bright lights in the sky.
Nowhere to run, I'll be defending my underground bunker.
PS, this CAN NOT ba an April fool's day story, El Reg is also running a story saying mobile phone rates will tumble, that's clearly their hoax for the credulous masses
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Thursday 1st April 2010 12:29 GMT Bassey
Anyone else
Is anyone else getting thoroughly pissed off having to wade through reams of made up crap just to find the news? One April Fools article well done is appreciated. Half a dozen pointless pieces of shite that wouldn't fool a three year old is just getting annoying. Where's the fucking IT news?
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Thursday 1st April 2010 13:31 GMT sweetpea
alien invasion
Luckily for everyone, I had anticipated this occurrance. I have developed a headband, the alloy of which I cannot reveal for obvious reasons, that renders you invisible to the alien invaders! Now this item is 100% guaranteed! Should you ever be abducted by aliens (which means my device failed. Fat chance!) I shall refund 50% OF YOUR PURCHASE PRICE! 50%!! Think of it. So citizens. Take no chances. Send CASH to the listed email address to receive your headband. And what you ask is the price? What is it worth to you to save yourself and your family from these modern day inter-dimensional thugs? Why, a measly $999.00. Yes, just $999.00 for this GUARANTEED product. You wil not be disappointed, or abducted. GUARANTEED!!!!
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Thursday 1st April 2010 13:36 GMT Stu
@Bassey
BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
@Everyone - If ur up 4 a little easter weekend humour, its definitely worth checking out all of Cyriak's website, its pretty fugging hilarious, the animation he made entitled 'Cycles' had me literally in stitches with its relentless imagery doing unexpected absurd things again and again!
Oh and thanks for the 3 ticks (or more), but treat the ticks as if they're for Cyriak himself, he's the man, and he's from Brighton - one of the first places in Britain to be sucked into the relentless black hole of the LHC.
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Thursday 1st April 2010 14:10 GMT Robert Carnegie
@Bassey They make up the news EVERY day here
You really hadn't noticed??
"Tiger Woods" for instance. There's NO SUCH PERSON. Then they recycled "his" backstory for "Barack Obama". (I'm not saying that The Register does ALL of this, I don't know who.) Actually, it's the same story they had for "Bill Clinton", so this year's "Obama" should be appointment TV. If you go for that kind of thing. "Clinton" is actually an actor who used to be on "Saturday Night Live". He had a joke "President" character they did and it kinda caught on. And "Hillary" is played by the lady from "The Weakest Link". More recently, "Obama" was in a regular feature on "The Daily Show" (on More4 in the UK), and pretty funny - they tried "Hillary" there too but she wasn't nearly as good.
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Thursday 1st April 2010 14:50 GMT TeeCee
I know how this one ends.
In the midst of the doom and flickering lights, to the background accompaniment of screaming, the crackle of gunfire and the occasional THUD of a grenade, an elderly woman in a pinny wanders into the lab, towing something behind her.
She wanders around, carefully studying the skirting boards. After a while she selects a wire, seemingly at random and pulls it from the wall. She then plugs in her "Numatic Henry" vacuum cleaner and switches it on.
Suddenly, every single electronic device in the entire complex ceases to work as one. The dimensional portal winks out and the lights come back on. Humanity is saved!
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Thursday 1st April 2010 15:18 GMT Anonymous Coward
Official News
Syndic Sergeant Smallwolf Baginski denied any significance in the routine joint exercises taking place between the Rain Island Army Union, The Royal Nederlands Alpenkorps, and the Swiss Navy's 3rd Air Assault Division. "So, what's the fuss, anyway? It's not as if they're likely to be Australians."
This topic is closed for new posts.
Biting the hand that feeds IT
