Top exorcist says Satan at work in Vatican

The Catholic Church's top exorcist has warned that Satan is alive and well and causing a whole load of problems at the Holy See. Father Gabriele Amorth, who according to The Times is president of honour of the Association of Exorcists, said the Vatican's current problems - including recurrent child abuse allegations and a …

[S Larti]

Invisible demons plague invisible friends?

"Big boys... I mean... SATAN made us do it and ran away!"

[James 5]

IT?

How is this relevant to anything the Register should be reporting on?

[Sarah Bee]

Re: IT?

It is relevant in that I am now preparing to make a blood sacrifice of you in order to summon hellfire.

[Beelzeebub]

Oh shit!!!

No further comment

[TimeMaster T]

Ohhh ....

I do like a lady who can wield a sacrificial dagger like a pro.

Right, I'll be off before I become the next in line.

[Anonymous Coward]

70,000 demons!

At least one must be a cyberdemon or perhaps even a dreaded spider mastermind!

[Blake St. Claire]

Bootnotes

Haven't you figured out yet that when it's filed under bootnotes, there isn't an IT connection?

[A. Coatsworth]

@IT?

Do you have any idea of how many daemons roam the Linux systems?

Probably the Exorcist Association is planing an all-out assault against Ubuntu and its unholy brethren

[Code Monkey]

In other news

The fairies at the bottom of my garden are becoming a nuisance

[S Larti]

If only...

he'd launched his book in time for Christmas...

We could refer to the Vatican as "Satan's Grotto" from now on.

[Destroy All Monsters]

Satan's Grotto?

A renamed "Titty Twister"? I would patronize it.

On a more sober note, WHY does humanity need a Chief Exorcist in the year 2010??

A Xenu logo shall do-

[Anonymous Coward]

Is it just me?

When I see those things in shops at Christmas time I think "Santa's grotty".

[deadlockvictim]

Tom Hanks & Amelie — where are you?

If only there was a popular novelist out there who would be strong to expose these practices in the Vatican. Something stinks in there and we need Western actors and actresses to ferret it out.

[Forget It]

Rinuincio

Rinuincio, Rinuincio, Rinuincio

to report stories that have nothing to do with IT.

[John H Woods]

WTF

does Rinuincio mean?

[The First Dave]

untitled

Of course, we all know what it means if the Pope tries to deny this - he must be in league with the devil himself!

<- Burn them all

[Blake St. Claire]

70,000?

How old is this guy? If he's 70 years of age, he has -- on average -- done 1,000 a year. More obviously since he probably didn't do very many before he was 20.

Nearly four a day; over four a day if he rests on Sunday, which he no doubt does. How long does it take to do an exorcism, including travel time? Or does he keep office hours and the possessed wait patiently for him in the waiting room? I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that waiting room. Probably more fun than people watching in a Walmart parking lot in Alabama.

And he found the time to write a book about it.

Bill with horns obviously, but only because you don't have a Prince of Darkness. (And I'm a bit of a Apple fan, so it can't be Stevo.)

[Anonymous Coward]

a title

Could be Mass Exorcism, if something like that exists at all

[Robert Ramsay]

Ofc there is...

...you get it at level 70!

I do find it breathtaking how they can make up this stuff.

[Olafthemighty]

Ah, but...

It says he's been _involved with_ 70,000 cases of demonic possession, not actually carried out that many seperate exorcisms.

Maybe he has to get rid of the odd bus-full of tortured souls all in one go, thereby upping his daily average nicely and giving him the odd afternoon off to talk to the press.

[Yannick]

I've read something like that

about Santa Claus...

[Mephistro]

Perfectly doable

This guy offers several kinds of exorcisms.

The 'Personalized Service', in which he is close to the patient while administering the treatment. It's quite expensive but customer's satisfaction is guaranteed. Only a small percentage of exorcisms fall into this category.

The 'Online Service', where he visits pr0n web pages non-stop till he finds signs of satanic possession, and then starts using his aspergillum on the said page till the demons go away in disgust. A dedicated exorcist can perform dozens of exorcisms like this each day.

And finally the 'Junior Service' where he performs his exorcisms on the groups of children and teenagers that follow him laughing and throwing stones whenever he leaves his home.

Seventy thousand? He has probably performed twice as much exorcisms, but doesn't want the local IRS to know about them. :)

[Martin]

70,000 exorcisms?

That is 3 exorcisms a day, 7 days a week, for about 64 years.

Am I allowed to call a priest a liar?

[sandman]

Hosts of demons

Don't forget that a person can be "possessed" by more than one demon at a time - could be tens/hundreds. (Look, I don't believe this load of old crock, but some obviously do). Cases of multiple possession could really cut down the workload, unless a multiple exorcism takes as long as many single ones. Personally I'd load up the crop duster with Holy Water to cut down the hours.

[Anonymous Coward]

'That is 3 exorcisms a day, 7 days a week, for about 64 years.'

I don't know how these things work, but perhaps there are loyalty schemes run along the lines of 'excommunicate two creatures from the Pit and we'll throw in a further lost soul absolutely free.' Or maybe he once exorcised a demonic beehive and is counting all the residents?

[Anonymous Coward]

Satan at work in Vatican?

In the words of Andy Hamilton... "Again."

[Adam 10]

Being Human

Was he inspired after the last few episodes of "Being Human"?

That ritual seemed to work rather well.

(Where's the icon for the men with sticks, the men with rope and the men with black black feathers on their black black wings?)

[Anonymous Coward]

Hmmm

Lucifer, fallen Angel, once favoured of God, Lord of Hell - has this dull twat not got anything better to do? I mean, for fucks sake, even watching soap operas has got to be better than hassling stupid gits that run around telling everyone that their invisible friend is the best one.

[The Fuzzy Wotnot]

Indeed...

Yep, we have no idea how to explain the fact that the priests cannot keep their hands off the alter boys private bits...hmmmm....hey I know, we have this ready made excuse that no one can argue with! We'll blame Satan! You want to know about Satan? Listen to BBC's Old Harry's Game by Andy Hamilton!

George Carlin's great quotes...

"God, the all seeing, all wonderful being that he is. has a set of 10 things he does not want you to do. If you do any these things, he has a special place full of pain, misery and eternal torment, you will be made to suffer for eternity! But God does love you!"

"I was a Catholic, until I reached the age of reason, around 13 years old!"

[SlabMan]

Mail order exorcists?

Can you still buy those entry tickets to heaven from the Vatican - I think they are called indulgences. Surely there's an ecommerce opportunity here? Twenty quid get's you a nicely designed PDF - 'Pearly Gates - Admit One'. And it's not as though a lot of dissatisfied customers will be complaining.

[Anonymous Coward]

Indulgences

Yes they still exist in the Catholic church, but it's not been permitted to buy them since the Council of Trent sometime in the 16th Century. They can now only granted by the Apostolic Penitentiary in the Vatican itself.

The production of blank indulgences was one of the first uses of Gutenberg's printing press Beforehand they had to be laboriously written out from beginning to end; along comes the printing press and voila - a whole new market was born.

Just fill in your name, mortal sin and a suitable donation to Christ's Kingdom on Earth and you - yes YOU - could save HUNDREDS, if not THOUSANDS of years in Pergatory. No sin too big or too small! Apply today. The price of eternal salvation may fall as well as rise. Contact your local catamite for details.

[JasonH]

70,000?

Why am I reminded of Eddie Izzard's mass-murderer sketch when I read this?

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFtkJd8w5UQ )

Exorcised 70,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! Your diary must look very odd: get up, exorcism, exorcism, exorcism, lunch, exorcism, exorcism, exorcism, afternoon tea, ...

[Anonymous Coward]

Not exactly surprising

This isn't exactly surprising. I'm assuming that the Vatican work according to God's will (I don't know for sure as I'm not Catholic and don't keep abreast of their activities) and that God is doing good stuff through them. If this is the case, then he will always show up - it's his job to disrupt what good God is doing.

Everywhere you find God at work doing good, and look under the surface, you will probably find evidence of Satan trying to undermine it in suble ways - it's the way he works.

So not exactly news, but nice plug for his new book I suppose!

[Red Bren]

Yet another puff-piece from El Reg

Exorcist reckons demonic possesions at all time high. This is news? File under advert posing as news along with

Security firm reckons virus threat at all time high.

Productivity tool maker reckons productivity at all time low.

He's just looking for free advertising!

I'll get my cowl :-)

[Anonymous Coward]

So there are no demons in Germany?

Or does he mean that the devil has won in Germany. Last time I was there it all seemed very civilised (well, as civilised as the Munich Beer Festival can be). Lots more god botherers than England.

I suspect that someone has threatened his budget...

[Anonymous Coward]

Germany...

... sent their top demon to the Vatican - and he got the job! Done.

No Palpatine icon :(

[George Nacht]

Rather unfortunate name for an exorcist...

...."Amorth" sound like a name of exorcist´s main adversary. Or the main boss in any generic RPG I ever played.

As for 70 000 exorcisms, I bet there is some serious misunderstanding. It sound more like a number of all exorcisms, mentioned in Vatican archives during last 1000 years, perhaps?

Call me skeptic, but you can perform 70 000 exorcisms during one lifetime only with a help of Satan....wait....

[informavorette]

Name

[quote] ...."Amorth" sound like a name of exorcist´s main adversary. Or the main boss in any generic RPG I ever played. [/quote]

Now you made me think what his name sounds like. It is the perfect short version of "Amon Amarth". The link is obvious. He must live a double life as a Vatican exorcist at day and Swedish Viking Metal band member at night. It all fits - obviously, when he had a creativity low, he just reupcycled some exorcist ritual chant for a text.

"Free yourselves from the chains

Of lies that hold you down

Arise to be free again

We'll fight till we have won"

before hitting on inspiration for the next verse

"Priests of hypocrittic love talk of peace and Christ

Power is their only goal

Now they all shall die

Turn the blade around, put the oppressors down"

(Title: God, His Son And Holy Whore, Interpret: Amon Amarth, Album: The Avenger (2000))

Mine's the denim one with a Bathory patch on the back, and white face powder and a dozen of kajals in the pocket.

[Pete 43]

>>How is this relevant to anything the Register should be reporting on?

BOFH of course!

[Mystic Megabyte]

@SoapOperaLusers

There is a saying "Everyone is a believer in the foxhole".

Maybe you have never been in one.

What you don't know about it's best not to talk about.

You may think that you are a rational person but you believe that this planet is flying through an infinite universe. Where do you think the universe *is*? Oh, most of it is invisible don't you know!

For all you know this world could be a simulation on a galactic supercomputer somewhere, you would have no way of telling.

Stop watching crap TV and go and read some books, (not Dan Brown etc.)

Meanwhile STFU!

[Ken Hagan]

What you don't know about

Sadly, SoapOperaLusers' original comment doesn't seem to be here anymore, so I'll have to judge your reply out of context. But ... if you really believe people should shut up about stuff they don't know about, and if you are willing to accept the old "everything's a simulation" argument, then I have just two suggestions.

Firstly, since for all *you* it might all be a simulation, *you* don't really know either, so why don't you take your own advice.

Secondly, whilst you are offline, try reading up on "testable hypothesis" and see if you can learn what "knowing about" actually means to a sensible person.

[Chris Collins]

smoke of Satan

having spent last night at the pub quiz I can confirm my office is now filled with the smoke of Santa, as well.

[Anonymous Coward]

It's 2010

and people who appear grown-up still believe in invisible muppets...

[Graham Bartlett]

The Devil's at work in the Vatican?

So. I don't want you to use birth control. Or abortion - and I especially want 11-year-old rape victims to have their bastard children. Except that having children out of wedlock is a sin too - oops. But it doesn't matter, because enjoying sex is a sin too, so that's one sin the rape victims haven't committed. Aren't I kind, folks?

Don't kill people either - that's bad. Unless I particularly tell you to murder your own children, of course, like I did with Abraham. Or ethnic cleansing, like I told the Canaanites to do. And I'm free to go off and do a bit of killing of cities, firstborn sons, and suchlike, of course.

And the Church is carrying out my Divine commands, so always respect priests. Even when they're raping kiddies. Or when they're telling one African tribe to kill all the members of another African tribe. Or when they're telling people to murder abortionists and homosexuals.

Oh, and gambling's a sin too. Even though I had that little bet with the Devil about what Job would do when I killed off his family and friends.

In other words, do what I say, not as I do, and no-one gets hurt. And then of course you get to go to the Kingdom of Heaven, where I'm the Boss for all eternity. Enjoy...

[John Savard]

Saddening

Where there is power and unaccountability, where there is temptation, humans will do wrong, and this is their responsibility, not that of spirit beings. Religious belief can have a positive influence in some ways, but when it degenerates into superstition, the consequences are bad.

[Richard 120]

I

bootnotes

[TeeCee]

Satan in the Vatican?

He's got a job that entitles him to spend his time in strip joints, casinos, bars, brothels, drug dens and anywhere else where sin, debauchery and all the other fun stuff goes on.

So why the fuck would he go anywhere near the Vatican? I can see* how some might prefer a good Tridentine Mass to being in the front row at a titty bar with a crowd of supermodels and an infinite supply of coke and booze, but Satan doesn't strike me as the aesthetic, self-denying type somehow.

*With great difficulty I might add.

[Anonymous Coward]

`Top` Excorcist...

PMSL

That's like being the biggest dragon...or the spookiest ghost... or the cutest fairy... LOL ....

It's not Satan that did it, it was the men of the Catholic Church! Check your history!

Maybe they meant Stan. He works on reception. I hear he's an utter c*nt.

[Rod MacLean]

"Top" excorcist

Everyone knows that Olly Reid was the top exorcist...

...he always managed to dispose of more spirits than anyone else!

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

@IT

Because it's the same business model as anti-virus software and updates.

Create crappy insecure OS, then blame it all on hidden invisible viruses launched by invisible internet terrorists and sell anti-virus software.

If you don't pay up for the virus software, and OS security updates - it's all your fault you sinner.

[eWill]

I for one

would like to welcome our new demonic overlords.

[Anonymous Coward]

I feel sorry for the people involved

"Amorth is probably better qualified than most when it comes to dealing with Satan and the lesser demons. He has apparently dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession"

By "demonic posession" he does of course mean one of the following:

1, mental illness

2, atheism

The "rituals" which are used during exorcism do not cure either of these (of course) they just make the priests feel like they've done something.

So basically the priests have an invisible friend that they've never seen. They speak to him all the time but hear nothing back. Then they decide that this gives them the authority to cause trauma and unnecessary suffering, just to make their non-existent, silent friend happy.

All of which sounds a lot like mental illness really. Maybe I should be allowed to perform my own kind of exorcism on priests - I'd simply kill them all and let their god sort them out!

[Anonymous Coward]

Oldest excuse in the book

'It wasn't me that did those terrible things; the Devil made me do it!'

[Robert E A Harvey]

Satan at work in Vatican

"Satan at work in Vatican" - after 2000 years, it won't be the first time

[Tron]

I ain't fraid o' no ghosts.

The gullible. Bless 'em. Where would we be without them?

Financially poorer.

Just as soon as my $10 gets processed I'll be advertising my new exorcism service on ebay. You can have the basic package, In, cast out the demon, tea and hobnob, all done in 20 minutes for £500. The Pro service costs rather more, but I'll be wearing full regalia, burning incense and chanting. A DVD of the whole exorcism is included for free so you can show your friends. The pro service costs £1000.

Starting in Q4, once the venture capital is in place, will be my corporate exorcism package, suited to group entities with demonic issues. Banks, football clubs, Governments who choose Vista. It won't be cheap, but it'll cost less than hiring the Pope. And you really can't put a price on losing that Satanic force that is holding you back.

Feeling bedeviled? Who ya gonna call? Me.

[Anonymous Coward]

Awesome.

@Tron ("I ain't fraid o' no ghosts") -- simply awesome. Made my day. We need more comments like these. :)

[Stewart Haywood]

Mass Production of Holy Water

Holy water is supposed to protect people from infestation by nasty evil demons. Holy water is made by exorcising and blessing some salt, tipping it into water in the shape of a cross and then blessing the salty water. (You can look up all the correct words to say on the web).

My idea is to mass produce holy water by dumping exorcised salt out of aircraft flying over reservoirs. Then, every morning, the whole population could shower in holy water, drink holy coffee and so on. That should keep the demons away.

Now, if this was trialed in the Vatican it would be interesting to see if there was a sudden spate of spontaineous human combustion cases.

BTW, Amorth actually claims to exorcise more than 300 demons a year himself and has about 350 people working for him.

[Rex Alfie Lee]

Exorcise Salt

Couldn't we just do one big ocean exorcism?

[amanfromMars 1]

Stop Press ... Hot News just in

Apparently the Dutch government are going to sue the Roman Catholic church, which presumably means also his Holiness, and was there ever a more unfortunate and/or accurate title for anyone, considering they are being pursued for child abuse and pedophilia?

Holland showing the world a lead again.

[Bill Fresher]

Candidates

I'm wondering what proportion of the posters in this thread could do with being exorcised.

Or getting some exercise for that matter.

[Richard Cartledge]

Eh?

Lucifer and Satan are completely different, but used interchangeably in the story.

[Etrien Dautre]

Good News Then?

Neither the Luciferians, nor the Satanists are The Reg Team in this case/all cases.

[KitD]

Tis true ...

Anyone else thinks he sounds like Blofeld when he talks? All he needs is a cat to stroke..

[Rex Alfie Lee]

Devil did it...

...ahhhrrrgh, growl, chomp, pzzzt! "Lord father on high. Please protect me from the things I do unto the little children. The devil made me do it & I didn't want to. Well, I did want to but that's the devil making me want to. I'm innocent, innocent....honestly innocent...true...really...innocent I am.".

Screaming sleazoids that need a bullet from a 303. Get rid of them all.