back to article Jesus Phone to exhibit holy gift of bilocation

Apple will add multitasking to the Jesus Phone this summer with the release of the divine handset's version 4.0 software update, according to a report citing anonymous people who have accurately predicted Jobsian behavior in the past . AppleInsider reports that iPhone OS 4.0 will offer a "full-on solution" to multitasking, …


This topic is closed for new posts.
  1. Pavlovs well trained dog

    your heresy

    whilst amusing to most of us, is going to make americans very angry

    you know they don't like articles like this one

    they're gonna call a prayerhad on yer arse...

    1. HooZier

      Stereotypically, yes, but...

      There are a fair number of level-headed Americans, of which I am one, who find this hilarious.

    2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Not actually true

      Whils the majority of Americans are religious, party explained by the religious persecution in Europe that drove their ancestors to emigrate, it is a relatively small minority of them that form the small but vociferously intolerant "moral majority". Stands to reason as liberally minded people have faith in the power of reasoned debate which the numpties studiously avoid and in intelllectual circles raising your voice and making emotional appeals are signs of weakness and are quite possibly doomed over time as a result. There was a good series of articles on BBC Radio 4 on this "Why do turkeys vote for Christmas", I think it was called.

      Regarding multi-tasking on the phone I think the power drain argument has some credence but this is down to the hardware as much anything else. A future multi-core ARM processor should have little problem.

  2. Richard Cartledge

    Telephone facts

    I bought an iPhone on the launch day in the UK. 2nd Nov 2007 IIRC.

    I have just had to fit a new battery as the original one was flagging, but it has been jail-broken for 2 years and I have had no problems with running third party apps in the background using Backgrounder. It even shows the app which is running on the home-screen by way of a cogwheel 'badge' on the icon. I can't see why Apple didn't allow it all along. It works great with Yahoo messenger, Skype or Internet Radio. If it runs low on memory, the most dormant Apps are simply silently quit (This is also the default/official way the built-in Apple apps handle backgrounding, they stay running when you close them until the memory is needed).

  3. Jimmy Floyd

    Can it be?

    Cade, that link to Wikipedia is brilliant, and manna for those of us who regard the iPod & iPhone as visually impressive but technically inferior. If I may copy & paste (which the iPhone can do now, I hear):

    "[Saint Joseph of Cupertino] was said to have been remarkably unclever, but prone to miraculous levitation and intense ecstatic visions that left him gaping."

    You couldn't make it up!

    1. Araldite

      Another Saint

      Wiki article obviously written by Essjay.

  4. Si 1
    Jobs Horns

    Will only be for newer models

    I can't image Apple would enable multi-tasking on older models. The iPhone does currently allow one type of multi-tasking- you can run an app while it's installing another in the background. The performance of this is terrible so I can't see checking your mail while a song plays in the background on YouTube working being any better.

    At best I could see the next iPhone model having some sort of dual core CPU that should give enough horse power to run two things at once.

    1. ThomH

      It does a lot more than that

      Try starting a song in the iPod app, then doing absolutely anything else. Or starting a page loading in Safari, doing something else sufficiently light that Safari isn't evicted from memory (eg, run Mail), then heading back in there. It seems likely that most of the bundled apps can run alongside one another.

      And from a pedantic point of view, third-party apps can't take part in multiprogramming as everybody means when they say multitask nowadays, but they can multitask in ye olde sense in that the full complement of threading stuff (Cocoa and POSIX) is available. Which is helpful if you're a developer who is porting code or trying to keep the GUI thread responsive.

    2. Anonymous Coward


      It already has enough horsepower to do two things at once because it already does loads of things at once, But then you'd know that, because surely you wouldn't be posting your "facts" without first-hand knowledge of the device.

      What's that? You'd never buy an iPhone? Well STFU then.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I thought multitasking was the work of the devil... Could this be St Jobs actually admitting to making a mistake?

    Nah, just brace yourself for a spin attack.

    Oh, and iPhone 4, welcome to the naughties, pity the rest of us have already left it. Light switch is on the left.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    We'll all be sorry

    ... when its proved His Jobness is the second coming of the Saviour and all Windows Mobile/Symbian users (shame be upon them) are cast into the fiery pits of eternal damnation.

    Me? I'm waiting for the iPhone Shuttle for £50 on the Lidl Mobile Value PAYG tariff.

  7. DZ-Jay

    Re: Telephone facts

    @Richard Cartledge:

    If I were a cynic, I would consider that over extension of the battery by background applications draining it constantly would contribute to the short lifespan of the device.

    Oh, look at that, I am a cynic.


  8. sam bo


    Surely you meant the IPhone Shuffle - you know the cute little one with no screen that randomly rings people in your phonebook.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward


      Can't be any more random that the spam phone calls and txt I already receive

  9. Argh


    Heh, so it sounds like iPhone is going to gain multitasking as Windows Phone sounds like it might be losing it (details for both unconfirmed, of course).

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      RE: Switcheroo

      ...except as we all know, the iPhone *can* already multitask!

  10. Anonymous Coward

    Not Necessary

    The excessive [ab]use of Christian language is really not necessary.

    Exodus 20:7 (King James Version) --- 7 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

    1. zedee
      Jobs Horns

      All together now

      Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

    2. Anonymous Coward

      Context and understanding, my son

      To "take the lord's name in vain" is to do with oath-taking, not swearing or simply making fun of the Saint Jobs of Cupertino. Taking an oath on the name of God gets you in trouble because it's a very profound thing to do, and not something to be taken lightly - or, as they would have said back then, in vain.

      It's fug all to do with jokes. Jesus himself was a first-class punster, it just doesn't come through very well in the translations. In aramaic he would have been a laugh riot.

      1. TeeCee Gold badge

        "Jesus himself was a first-class punster..."

        I've heard that live his act is much "bluer" than the recorded versions. Goes down a storm on the Northern club circuit.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Down

      not mine

      Well don't take the name of your lord in vain, but as it's not my god, I will do as I please.

      I can call your invisible friend anything I like, particularly as he/she has no sense of humor.

  11. Eddy Ito
    Paris Hilton

    Yes but

    Who holds the patent to multitasking on a phone? I was told by a burning bush, ok so it was some obnoxious lady with a rash that if apple ships a multitasking iphone it will swiftly be sued in Texas.

    Paris... her bush burned out a long time ago.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Crucify the Jesus Phone!

    A quick look at Engadget shows Android this and Android that. Tablet devices, and new firmware for old Windows phones that turn them into new nifty Android devices.

    Quite like this one this: $92 tablet with Android (excludes flash, wholesale price)

    Sorry I've wondered off topic, you were talking about that expensive Apple thing, with the smaller screen and the very nasty EULA, so it now multi-tasks? Well that's nice.

    It's like a flip, you can see the flip just now, just as we could see it when the Wii came out. It's inevitable, and poor Apple they are going to get crucified.

  13. Martin Chandler
    Jobs Halo

    Steve Jobs invented multitasking

    ...just like he invented, touch screens, multi touch, cut and paste, MMS, video calling and everything else everyone has tried to copy or steal! He is the Creator of all good things. Praise be!

    1. Ascylto
      Jobs Halo

      Oh yeah ...

      Praise, all praise to Jobsus!

      There will now be a silent collection (notes only please).

  14. Greg J Preece

    How much are you betting...

    ...they'll advertise this like it's a new thing.

    What astonishes me is that no smartphone manufacturer advertised their products as being better. They allowed Apple to claim innovation that simply wasn't theirs or never existed.

    1. heyrick Silver badge

      They tried that with their computers,,,

      When Apple did the whole PowerPC RISC-is-great thing, they promoted RISC as the new best thing in 1994. Until a small British company pointed out that they'd been doing that since the latter years of the '80s on a homegrown RISC unit. (so nerr!)

      Thus, it would come as no suprise to hear innovation promoted when it isn't anything so new at all. Though, in defence of the annointed fruit, this isn't exactly unusual for the tech industry, is it?

      1. Robert Hill

        British did it, sure...

        I am sure that there are some terribly gifted British coders (actually quite a few, especially for games and media) who can claim multi-tasking was there invention. It might even be true (don't tell the guys who wrote Multics, or ITS at MIT).

        But even if they did, they had the usual British tech marketing plan...flatten 50 fag packets*, write the name of the product and their telephone number on the back, and pass them out at a single trade show, whilst demoing their product on a single machine set up on a card table, with the company name hand-lettered on reversed green-bar printer paper (used natch). When the world didn't beat a path to their door, they all got bored and became estate agents so as to pay the rent...

        Hmm, is that an official MasPar flattened fag packet you have there...?

        * - fag packets are cigarette boxes, for our North American friends, not cling-film wrapped homosexuals...not that there is anything WRONG with that, mind you.

        1. Ascylto

          See ...

          we British did it first.

          We invented recycling of fag packets and computer paper.

          This is now part of British Law under penalty of confiscation of ID Card (so you'd better watch out all you 46 people).

        2. seanj

          Nothing wrong with it, but.....

          "fag packets are cigarette boxes, for our North American friends, not cling-film wrapped homosexuals...not that there is anything WRONG with that, mind you."

          ... ensure you leave an airhole available (I said airhole, pipe down in the back! - oh wait, pipe? down? back? pun intended there either!), or you'll end up with a dead homosexual wrapped in clingfilm, and that is definitely frowned upon.

        3. heyrick Silver badge

          Excuse me...

          I didn't say the British invented multitasking (don't know who did, I asked Google and got lots of references to the iPhone!).

          What I was referring to was Apple thinking it put out the world's first RISC desktop computer. If you're an Apple fanboi, fine, carry on thinking that and putting out lame comments about writing details on ciggie packets. Whatever. You're wrong. By around seven years, which is a heck of a long time in computer terms.

          But, hey, is Jobs didn't invent it, it never existed, right?

      2. RichyS
        Thumb Down

        I think Apple may have heard of this little British company

        I think Apple may have heard of this little British company, after all, Apple and Acorn both set up ARM Holdings as a joint venture in 1990.

        1. Ben Holmes
          Thumb Up


          It's just a pity Acorn in their current guise now make set top boxes. I would say 'oh, how the mighty have fallen', but they were never particularly mighty (which is a crime in itself) - just very good at what they did.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    When it is release (if), it'll be the most "revolutionary" and "magical" thing the fruit followers will ever seen in a touch enabled smartphone.

    I wouldn't be surprised they already filed a patent on this too..

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Down

      It's called advertising...

      And it'll be no more annoying than any of the recent "I'm five and I did this in windows(with the help of an adult but we won't mention that)" ads from Microsoft , or "Windows 7 was my Idea" especially the search ones ( 7 seconds? You really should try spotlight, much quicker!).

  16. Chris iverson

    Well I guess us heathens..

    are to still have Sunday off, eat bacon on Fridays, Develop for and summarily destabilize our chosen mobile computing platforms

    Are Android users the new pagans who must be converted?

    1. Brett Weaver

      Pre-emptive multitasking

      As anyone who has ever used a Windows OS knows, Windows has never had true pre-emptive multitasking.

      This is evident when you are connecting to a network for example, when everything freezes on your desktop until the connection is made. It is also evident - particularly on Vista - when you load a DVD with thousands of files on it.

      Multi-threading or multitasking makes the most sense when multiple CPU's are available with one to handle IO (for example) and others to handle application steps. Maybe the IPhone is getting another processor?

      1. Leo Davidson

        Re: Pre-emptive multitasking

        The fact that one thing (the desktop/shell/explorer.exe) blocks while waiting on a shared resource is not evidence of a lack of pre-emptive multitasking.

        OTOH, your post is evidence that you don't know what pre-emptive multitasking is. :-D

  17. Will 12


    I've had multitasking enabled on my iPhone for ages, never needed to use it. I quite like doing one task without being interrupted. I've even set my email to only check for new messages every hour as I find constant email messages disruptive.

    We all know men aren't good at doing more than one thing at a time

    1. Andy ORourke

      True, Will, what's the point?

      I mean, I have an old 1st gen iPhone, I love it dearly and if I want to quickly check my email I can, if I want to search for something on the internet, I can, if I want to "Shazam" a tune, I can.

      I mean FFS it is a little hand held device why would it need multi tasking. As far as I can see if I am downloading the latest fart app from the App store and I want to check my mail it still allows me to download my mail, read it, reply to it and then resume my iFart app download.

      If you need a computer with proper pre-emptive multi tasking then you need a COMPUTER, not a phone (likewise, if you need high quality Photo's, you need a CAMERA, not a phone)

  18. Neur0mancer


    For a small screen device I think that multitasking is a bit pointless. I do think that the ipad should have multitasking though.

  19. Bilgepipe

    Get Some Facts!!

    The iPhone ALREADY multitasks - how do you think it browses the web and answers a f*cking phone call at the same time? Apple are adding the ability to run multiple third-party apps at once - it's not multitasking, as any A-level IT trainee will tell you.

    I thought this was a technical IT website, not Janet and John get a Computer. The anti-Apple-tards need to get some facts to base their hate on.

  20. big_D Silver badge


    "I thought multitasking was the work of the devil... Could this be St Jobs actually admitting to making a mistake?"

    No, somebody slipped the "forbidden" fruit in his lunch time fruit salad! :-D

    Seriously though, I had a Touch Pro before my iPhone 3GS. It was great - until you got a couple of apps running in the background, then it slowed to a crawl and was useless. I spent most of my time going into the processes menu and killing anything that I didn't currently need, in an attempt to keep it running smoothly.

    The same goes for my experience with Android, multi-tasking made it sluggish and unstable.

    To be honest, I haven't found the lack of multi-tasking a problem - apart from the odd game that thinks I would prefer to listen to their inane music, rather than the podcast I am currently listening to!

  21. Dan 55 Silver badge

    @Pre-emptive multitasking

    That'd be because Explorer doesn't offload network or DVD I/O to its own thread but seizes up waiting for the reply, wouldn't it?

  22. Anonymous Coward

    The main problem isn't...

    the main problem isn't the battery power as most people think, it's the lack of memory. The RAM on the iPhone (at least the original and 3G models) is very small. The 3GS doubled the available RAM. Many applications can run out of memory very quickly. There's no 'paging' or 'virtual memory' as such built into the processor so it all has to be swapped in and out of RAM as needed manually.

    I think this foreshadows a new model of iPhone with even more RAM, say 1GB, to allow more stuff to go on at once. I wouldn't be surprised if it's memory matches the iPad.

  23. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

    Use of religious language

    is a criticism of idolatry, excessive love of Apple, Macs,Steve Jobs, and of this phone.

    It is reproaching love of false gods.

    Bilocation is "just" being in two places at once, which, depending on what you mean, doesn't happen in reality, or is an odd feature of quantum theory (see also superposition), or is what any telephone does, not only iPhone - you can talk into the ear of somebody who is thousands of miles away.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      An odd feature of quantum theory? HRMPF!

      As every fule know, monolocation is an odd feature of objects that are large in relation to their de Broglie wavelength -- as they shed information about their current position or their dead/alive state into their surroundings with careful abandon.

      Dont acte.

  24. The Beer Monster


    I've got a note from my mum excusing me from PE.

  25. lukewarmdog

    multi tasking

    Over rated.

    I use my iPod to play my music, I use my PC for gaming and my phone for actually talking to people wirelessly who are too far away for me to shout at. Actually I still use my phone then as I don't like shouting. Everything else is done by other people.

  26. Steve Barnett

    Is it that big an issue no - but Java and Skype are

    Not really, It's a phone! Even for iPad it's not that big an issue - iPad is aimed at my mum who hates computers but likes to sit on the sofa look at pictures of her GrandChildren on Flickr

    The only real irritation is that I would like to listen to 'my' music while I'm playing online poker.

    The real irritation is that I want to be able to watch java based content on my iPhone and I would want to be able to use a microphone on iPod/iPod so I can use skype properly.

    I use skype on my iPhone all the time and it has been a real lifesaver. Anyone who works around St Pauls/Paternoster Sq in London knows what it's like when you can;t get Cells but can get free Wireless...

  27. Rick Brasche
    Thumb Down

    so how does this "fix" AT&T?

    the real problem, and I speak as mostly Apple-hater who is also an iPhone owner/slave/addict, is the craptacular and unholy alliance with AT&T. Battery life can be handled aftermarket without violating warranty-but as long as AT&T has it's head up it's arse and refuses to reinvest properly in infrastructure (like the entire current Administration despite all the talk and "stimulus") we still can't go elsewhere and see if there is such thing as "competition" anymore.

    Unless we want to jailbreak what is (for me) a very expensive device that I cannot afford to replace out of pocket at unsubsidized prices.

    Unless iPhone 4.0 somehow causes AT&T either improve or explode, it won't truly "fix" the device's biggest flaw.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Time for Cade to go, taking this to The Register's editor in chief

    You are descriminating against Christianity, which is your right, but you are upsetting your readers, fewer of them everyday, and soon they will stop reading your articles. Expect a call from your editor in chief. I thought this crappy journalism was over and done with.

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      What is descriminating?

      And even if it were spelt correctly it wouldn't be true. If your deity of choice can't handle a bit of satire it isn't up to much, is it.

  29. Big-nosed Pengie


    I must immediately put my JesusPhone model 3.18135471 down the garbage disposal and buy a multi-tasking model 3.18135472!

    I think I just ejaculated in my pantaloons!

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    Jesus is fraud..........

    And like all good fraud, it's a profitable industry for the superstitious and gullible.

    That or living proof of just how stupid and easy to influence people really are....

    Oh excuse me while I drink my germy snot filled "exclusive brand bottled mineral water" - for it's health giving benefits at $5 a liter, while better quality tap water at 10c for 10,000 liters is only 10 feet away.....

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    Jesus is fraud..........

    And like all good fraud, it's a profitable industry for the superstitious and gullible.

    That or living proof of just how stupid and easy to influence people really are....

    Oh excuse me while I drink my germy snot filled "exclusive brand bottled mineral water" - for it's health giving benefits at $5 a liter, while better quality tap water at 10c for 10,000 liters is only 10 feet away.....

    Oh and did I say - check out the link to an excellent ABC (Australia) video on mass stupidity about Jeezers - the fake who never existed.

  32. Henry Wertz 1 Gold badge

    @AC 16:49, not time for Cade to etc...

    You are ridiculous. And have no sense of humor. This is not doing ANYTHING against Christianity. It is making fun of Apple fanobis, and the overall elevation of IPhone from just another phone (which is what it is) to some industry-defining thing (which it is not), and the view among some Apple fans that Steve Jobs is infallible. There's no indication whatsoever that this article "upset" readers, except yourself; if I were a writer I would not spend so much as a second worrying about upsetting someone that is just looking for excuses to be upset.

    Good on you Cade for some entertaining writing!

  33. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

    Not very impressive

    when an "Anonymous Coward" stands up for their god.

This topic is closed for new posts.

Other stories you might like