US must redesign killer hot dogs

The American Academy of Pediatrics is determined to tackle a major threat to the wellbeing of US kiddies: killer hot dogs which present a clear and present choking hazard. According to a report (summary here) in the academy's journal Pediatrics, choking is "a leading cause of morbidity and mortality among children, especially …

[Anonymous Coward]

I...

am not letting you redesign my phallic symbol!

[nichomach]

Deplorable use of common sense, there...

"She noted: "As a mother who has fed toddlers cylindrical foods like grapes, bananas, hot dogs and carrots, I 'redesigned' them in my kitchen by cutting them with a paring knife until my children were old enough to manage on their own.""

I can understand the woman's asperity... Common sense fail by safety 'elf. Pointing out the bleedin' obvious win by sausage lady.

[steogede]

Makes you wonder...

... do 3 year old american kids have no teeth? Or are their hotdogs so rubbery that the child can't chew them properly?

[Sean O'Connor 1]

Have you never met a 3 year old?

Hmmm, I'm guessing that people suggesting here that 3 year olds should just simply chew their food don't have kids themselves. Come borrow my two sometime and see if you can get them to sit quietly at the table for the whole of a meal.

[steogede]

and as for redesign...

surely, a Frankfurter that is narrow enough to choke a child has already been redesigned, surely all they need to do is revert to the original design.

[Anonymous Coward]

slow news day?

"choking kills 77 US children annually"

As Bill Hicks might say "Wow, 77 less gas station attendants in the world"

[scottboy]

Bill Hicks

He might have been more tempted to say "Wow, 77 fewer gas station attendants in the world"

[No, I will not fix your computer]

Re: Bill Hicks

I doubt it, Bill Hicks was satirical and funny.

[unitron]

Satirical grammar?

What's satirical and funny about using the word "less" when the word "fewer" is called for?

Unless he was trying to imply a lack of intelligence and education on the part of those children, and making a joke at his own expense by implying the same about himself. Seems extraordinarily subtle, and likely to go unnoticed by a vast majority of his audience, regardless of their level of intelligence and education.

[Anonymous Coward]

re: scottboy

Both sentences are of course correct, but yours manages to contain the adjective Hick's did in fact not use in the quote I was paraphrasing. Of course you would know this had you actually watched the stand up routine in question (and remembered it), but don't let that spoil your fun.

Narcissism thinly veiled as an attack on someone's grammar never gets tiring and I'm sure this post, and many others on this site, will provide you with plenty more opportunities to amuse yourself by rewriting things; not to add any meaning or insight, just to prove that you are better than the original author.

A++++, Would troll again.

[Sarah Bee]

Re: everyone

This thread really has got everything.

Everything.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Sarah Bee...

NAZIS!

There, NOW this thread has everything!

[Anonymous Coward]

Except an end

damn you, Godwin!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: AC 15:44

It doesn't have Homer Simpson quotes.

.... I'm going out to... STALK.... Lenny and Carl. D'OH

[unitron]

Actually, they aren't

Only one sentence is correct.

If you're talking discrete, countable units (and giving a specific number of attendants means that you are), you use "fewer", and if not, you use "less".

Thus, if you add fewer cups of water to something, you have added less water, but you can't have less cups or fewer water.

[Anonymous Coward]

I have a better suggestion: sew their darling little mouths up

which will have the additional benefit of tackling the childhood obesity epidemic head-on.

Although we might have to outlaw liquidisers.

And straws.

[The Original Ash]

Nature has the solution!

CHEWING YOUR DAMN FOOD.

[Anonymous Coward]

I suspect the prevailing moral climate will look unkindly

upon attempts to promote mastication in the under-threes

[Uncle Slacky]

So much for intelligent design

What designer would use the same passageway for both breathing and eating?

[Richard 81]

Harrumph

Hot dogs for 3 year olds? How about giving them some proper food for once!

Also, try good old thick British style sausages that you can just cut up.

They've got a better chance of actually having some real meat in them too.

[Anonymous Coward]

@Harrumph

<quote>Also, try good old thick British style sausages that you can just cut up.</quote>

Mmmm, yeah.

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/4636889.Sussex_man_chokes_to_death_on_sausage/

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1232942/Toddler-dies-choking-sausage-nursery.html

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bradford/7376072.stm

[Steve Mann]

Bah!

Meat content in UK Sausage? Don't make me larf! I get my Cumberland sausage from Myers of Keswick (in Manhattan) and he readily admits he can't call 'em sausage in the US as legally they don't have enough meat in 'em. Delicious, though.

Wasn't the general lack of meat in bangers the plot of a "Yes Prime Minister" episode in the '80s? As I remember it, the E(E)C was going to reclassify them as "Meat By-Product High-Fat Offal Tubes". Of course, that was only make believe, but still, when Hacker read the list of ingredients it put your average hot dog to shame in the "almost edible tat" stakes.

[Anonymous Coward]

Make them...

Tubular!

Paris, because she's never got a hot dog stuck in her throat.

[Anonymous Coward]

It's easy

Just extrude them in the shape of a star rather than a cylinder - simple right?

In fact they would hold the ketchup and mustard better also due to the increased surface area...

skull and crossbones - because poeple should not be feeding anyone below 3 years old a hotdog really

[Sorry that handle is already taken.]

That's it

I'm off to get a choking hazard tattoo.

[Gideon 1]

Crossbreed it with a donut

Obvious - put a hole down the centre, like pen lids have to have by law.

[Jeroen Braamhaar]

Yeah right ...

.... or we could start using common fscking sense and teach children to eat at a normal pace instead of wolfing down their fastfood ...

Oh wait, I forgot, Common Sense is outlawed in the US at the behest the ambulance chasers, "public interest" groups and various lobby groups.

What a tardegy!

[irish donkey]

American babies are breastfeed hotdogs..... LOL

Maybe you should try just supervising your children when they are eating their dinner.

Crazy idea we English have. Have dinner as a family and promote sensible eating.

Its a crazy idea and it might just work, not all responsibility can be foisted off onto somebody else

[Lionel Baden]

Damn right its crazy !!

Who the hell thought its a "Good idea" to sit next to a 1 yr old and 2 yr old at a dinner table ??

probably sombody with a cleaner in their employ.

[N2]

So

Is it

Do not eat In one go?

or just "Do Not eat" ?

[Richard Jones 1]

Gorgon Braun has the answer

This is a simple one to answer and good old gorgon braun has the answer. Send all babies to a government crèche until they are say 6 years old and thus able to eat food as the parents cannot be trusted (sadly in some cases, clearly cannot be trusted) to care for them and teach them to eat food properly.

Mind you on second thoughts, given the UK's record of dealing with children this might not be such a good idea...

[Sarah Bee]

Re: Gorgon Braun has the answer

Gorgon Braun? Get ye to Speak you're Branes right now.

[Anonymous Coward]

It's a title

She noted: "As a mother who has fed toddlers cylindrical foods like grapes, bananas, hot dogs and carrots, I 'redesigned' them in my kitchen by cutting them with a paring knife until my children were old enough to manage on their own."

A sensible parent?! I'm going to have to go and sit down for a bit, oh wait, I am sat down! Excuse me while I fall off my chair.

[hplasm]

A novel solution

- using a paring knife on the children- still if it seems to work...

[Dan 55]

"especially those aged 3 years or younger"

Shouldn't he American Academy of Pediatrics be advising that children 3 and under shouldn't really eat hot dogs anyway?

[S Larti]

Just ba suggestion but...

...couldn't somebody explain that food should be chewed before swallowing?

Paris because she's choked n a few hot dogs in her time.

[Evil Auditor]

"some savvy inventor will find a way"

I'm not a savvy inventor but i'm sure minced hot dogs will become very popular among those nanny-state-taking-away-all-hazards-and-pillow-packed morons. Life is deadly - live with that! (Or rather die, eventually)

Ah, there is light at the end of the tunnel and not the light/tunnel as in near death experience but very concrete as in Janet Riley: "...I 'redesigned' them in my kitchen by cutting them..."

EA

[Mage]

Idiots. Sausages or Guns.

So about 12 kids a year die from choking on hot dogs.

In 2003 I think 73 Million kids.

300 people a DAY or nearly 200,000 a year are shot.

Then there are

Car Accidents

Drugs

Knifes...

[Sarah Bee]

Re: Idiots. Sausages or Guns.

What's your point? We wait until we've eradicated the bigger killers before we start on the smaller (and easily-avoidable) ones? That's not how it works, is it?

This story has made me hungry. Someone fetch me a sandwich.

[Anonymous Coward]

Sadly I'm fresh out of sandwiches, Sarah

how about a nice hotdog?

[Gordon is not a Moron]

No sandwiches...

but I do have a packet of hot dogs you can have as long as you promise not to choke on them.

[Nahmani]

The real question

I think Janet is on to something here, such as: good sense. However, i can't help but wonder how anyone could be compelled to create any such thing as a "National Hot Dog & Sausage Council". (But perhaps it's a good thing that the world has surprises in stock every day.)

[Shinobi87]

or

get them to CHEW their food, you dont drink hotdogs, you chew them and then you dont choke

[Duncan Hothersall]

National Hot Dog & Sausage Council

That is all.

[DavyBoy79]

Simple idea really

Extrude them through a star shaped extruder. Make them larger so you still get the same amount of meat, but now you have breathing channels running along the length. It would also make a great place for the various sauces and additions to sit on the hot dog without out sliding off!

[NukEvil]

Hmmm...

Sounds like a really great idea. Apart from the fact that those breathing channels would more often than not be filled with mayonnaise, mustard, and/or ketchup. I wonder what inhaling mustard does to the lungs, hmmm?

[DavyBoy79]

Grabs a child and tests

"What do you mean your lungs are on fire?" Pft, the youth of today!

[Blue eyed boy]

Instant misread #1

At first glance I misread the name of the journal as Pedantics. Closer to the truth I think.

[Anonymous Coward]

Just put a hole ...

... running through the middle of the hotdog, so when the little darling deepthroats it they don't suffocate.

Problem solved. Alternatively don't feed your 3 year old child shitty hot dogs.

Quick ban hard things, and fire, and sharp things, and gravity, and loud things, and things you might choke on, and and and... fun....

[AndyS]

Another nonsense

Ok, so there are 300,000,000 people in the US. Assuming even distribution from age 0 to 60, each child has roughly a 1:10,000,000 chance of dying from this.

Compare this to the 1:10,000 chance of dying that every American, young or old, has of dying from car crashes every year of their life. That's 1000 times the chance, and for your whole life, not just the first 3 years.

Grow up people, and learn to analyse risk.

[Colin Guthrie]

Are you choking? Theres an app for that...

http://www.tuaw.com/2010/02/22/are-you-choking-yeah-theres-an-app-for-that-too/

[A B 3]

Stop eating so fast

I still occasionally choke on potato chips, not because of their design, because I try to eat them too quick.

Okay so I'll switch to hash brown or mash potato. I suggest hot dog lovers switch to sausages. Sausages actually use real meat cuts in them too btw.

[Mage]

Total choke risk

Children under 14 ARE more likely to choke to death than be killed by gunshot, but that includes ALL types of choking,

* For Children 14 and Under

Motor Vehicles 3,059

Drownings 1,024

Fires 883

Choking 213

Firearm 181 (2.7% of fatal accidents)

Falls 127

Poisonings 80

So less than 10% of choke deaths are hotdogs and this is about 0.2% of deaths?

source http://www.justfacts.com/guncontrol.asp#Accidents

(though the site seems less objective than it claims to be)

I think we should hide the matches and give them free lifejackets and swimming lessons.

Death by Sharks to kids under 14 (with or without lasers) is not listed. Snake bite more likely.

[Dave the Shoe]

Orrr.....

we could try being responsible parents... Dunno, just a thought.

[Christian R. Conrad]

Clarification required

Re: "with or without lasers" -- the kids, or the sharks?

[Mos Eisley Spaceport]

Fair suck of the saveloy

"choking kills 77 US children annually"

That's terrible of course.

But this from a country where 10,000+ people are shot and killed every year by guns.

Not including suicides.

[Anonymous Coward]

I

I reccon Mochi is a better plug.

[Anonymous Coward]

Personally

I find polyurethane foam to be highly effective myself. Soon shuts the blighters up.

[Dibbles]

Research spin!

A colleague assures me on closer reading that there is no word on how many hotdogs actually kill - 77 children die of choking each year; an unnamed number die of food-related choking, of which 17% are from hot dogs. By our calculations, 6 chokings were food-related (the rest were lego), of which 1 was a hot dog.

[Anonymous Coward]

Great, so we need to ban LEGO instead

you and your fancy mathifying

[min]

oh. my. god.

only 77 a year? ONLY 77 a year? you would have thought with a nation half filled with imbeciles that this figure would be higher! that Dr. Evil-a-like who sits at the honcho chair in the wiener (ha!) factory must be cursing his ill luck.

i wonder what the Doctor's response to that rather sensible mother who redesigns the cylindrical foods on her own would have been. perhaps he thinks she ought to license (licence) herself and patent the method?

[gollux]

Yes, we are that damn stupid...

over here. You hear the latest "Oh think of the children" drumbeat.

And then start asking questions.

And then find out the devestatingly high number.

And compare it against the number of children in the rest of the world dying of dehydration, malnutrition and endemic disease.

And immediately want to swat the reporter and concerned others in the head with a drill hammer for being so selfishly self-involved about such an insignificant impact their cause-d'joure really has on the global arena.

[Robert Carnegie]

The figure for gun deaths is only accidents, not homicides I suppose?

Someone will probably discover that a child is more likely to be murdered by a parent than by anyone else (maybe). Although if you're not a parent then you may have expected it to be the other way around. Noisy screamy things.

I think Snopes said that an alarming number more than the choking figure already given, of older youngsters I suppose, including late teens, die in the course of erotic self-asphyxiation.

[Natalie Gritpants]

And horses are better off with Julienne carrots

Seriously, they can and do choke. Not much chance of a Heimlich maneuver either.

[Anonymous Coward]

A word of warning

Under no circumstances should you try and look up "hotdog smoothie" (the obvious solution to the problem), particularly on urbandictionary.com.

[Michael 28]

@ A word of warning

I did........comes with mayonnaise apparently..! Very continental! :-)

[Captain Save-a-ho]

A word of wisdom from George Carlin

Fuck the children. People have a child fetish and it's just disgusting (why isn't this woman being prosecuted as a pedo?). To paraphrase a bit, the kid who is too stupid to masticate his hot dog before swallowing isn't supposed to make it.

As humans, we have gotten so completely wrapped up in trying to save every last one of our kind that we can hardly even fathom that there's not more we can do. We shouldn't have to worry about the .000000000001% of the world's population that die because they don't properly chew their food. If you're such an awesome fucking parent, TEACH YOUR KIDS TO CHEW, fucktard!

OK, I'm better now. Where's me coat?

[Anonymous Coward]

That's 0.0000012%

only seven orders of magnitude out, there...

[Captain Save-a-ho]

So long and thanks for all the sarcasm

Next time, i'll include a sarcasm meter for those unable to decode it properly (maybe a big sign with tits on it to grab attention?).

[Solomon Grundy]

I Hate This

I'm so embarrassed to be from the States. It has been getting worse for the past 15 years or so but this is just too much.

[Misoriented]

The bright side?

Nah, people have always been stupid. They just announce it to the world more now. I blame Jerry Springer.

[John Savard]

Star-shaped

Since it is possible for some parents, or some workers at places like day-care centers, to be unfamiliar with the choking hazard posed by hot dogs, it is reasonable to expect a consumer product to have robust safety characteristics.

In the case of the humble hot dog, the molds or extrusion devices used to make them could be modified to make them star-shaped. Admittedly, this creates a need for more wrapping material, but it does help.

[I didn't do IT.]

Ewww.. Sorry about that...

Unfortunately, that would not work one bit. Imagine the scene:

Young tike picks up the NEW (IMPROVED?!) Star Dog! Lunchmeat Product Substitute(tm) and bites off one of the star points, not chewing as is normal.

The point of the star allows easy, streamlined entry down the throat... only to get stuck in the tyke's esophagus as the widening meat shape proves too much for the youngster's developing muscles. It lodges in tight! And because of the ragged edge at the base of the "point" (from biting), it cannot turn around or be easily slipped up and out by Heimlich.

You sir, have just created a MORE EFFICIENT choking food! Bravo!

[Dave the Shoe]

Natural Chlorine for the gene pool.

Why don't you just redesign kids with wider throats along with a suitable liver for your first child? Or treat this as natural chlorine for the gene pool of obese children who can't remember how to chew.

What with the president of the world cancelling constellation it looks like we're stuck on this planet for a bit longer that originally anticipated... we need to thin things out people!!!

[alyn]

Sarah, you should be ashamed

"you're branes" or your branes. I accept the mis-spelling as artistic licence, but I think yours should be revoked.

Where did you learn your english? Sorry, I forgot, you're a Yorkshire lass. Only us southerners speak english proper.

And yes, I know that last sentance is not grammatically correct.

[Sarah Bee]

Re: Sarah, you should be ashamed

You berk. Look at this:

http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/

See? I'm really surprised these threads don't show up there more often.

I am by no means a Yorkshire lass, I was born in London and will probably be here until I die of cynicism. I merely had the misfortune to be brought up there.

And er... I suppose I'll let you off on the misspelling of 'sentence' since there's no way you could have known I'm not actually from the north. But still, you should think on, as they say.

[Dave the Shoe]

Why-oh-why...

Doesn't "El Reg" have a twat-o-tron, as there are some real prize winners... <sigh>

Sarah, please don't die, of cynicism or anything else. I love the way you use the word "berk" :D

[J 3]

Re: until I die of cynicism

"until I die of cynicism"

That a liver disease, innit? I think I got it too...

[Gordon is not a Moron]

Re: until I die of cynicism

so in about 10 days then?

[Dave Harris]

Oh dear

Well, you really did ask for what's coming. Ms Bee's response, I imagine will only be a foretaste.

[HaplessPoet]

I learnt two things today.

1, Pen lids have holes in them to stop you choking, I thought it was to save money, like the stripes on the striking surface on a match box.

2. I do not like the work "Upvote", in fact I am sure someone will point out, is it a real word? I think it should be changed.

Thank you.

[Anonymous Coward]

Back when I was at school, pen lids did not have a hole

and yet, I didn't manage to choke to death on them

[hplasm]

Ah, those were the days

When pens didn't dry out overnight because they had a big hole in the lid.

[Dave Harris]

With you on both

So much so, I just positively acknowledged your comment ;o)

[Anonymous Coward]

Tombo

I hope this isn't a product of the stimulus.

[Maty]

So ...

In the USA according to

http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/004772.html

150 million hotdogs are consumed in the USA on the fourth of July, let alone the total over the year. Even assuming just one in ten hotdogs are eaten by kids, the consumption to choking ratio should be getting the product a design safety award.

[Paul Hates Handles]

Natural Selection

The kid who can't eat food without dying doesn't get to pass on his or her genes.

[RW]

Gee whiz, it's just like the web!

How to solve the problems posed by children interacting with the web (and seeing porn thereby) and with hot dogs (and choking to death thereby): ban children from using the web and from eating hot dogs. Fine, jail, torture parents who allow their crotchfruit to do otherwise.

Someone needs to set up "Kiddies' Web" where all sites are guaranteed innocuous and there's no way to break through onto the real web.

I don't know what the hot dog equivalent is.

[Dave The Cardboard Box]

@Mage

Cunningly ignoring the hundreds of kids who die because the US doesn't provide decent medical care for poor people. When inner city areas in the world's greatest democracy have higher still-birth rates than some African countries you know that something reeks.

[Intractable Potsherd]

Very good point ...

... I wish I could give you more than one up-vote.

[Stewart Haywood]

Idea

Shove a stick up the middle, of the hot dog not the child, cover it in batter made from corn meal and give it to the kid. If the kid chokes, grab stick protruding from bun shute and pull.

I could be called a corn dog and because it is on a stick all kids will like it.

[Bounty]

all food

products that could possibly be consumed by children should be pre-chewed or molded into small pellets. Looking at the 127 deaths by falls # all children should wear helmets anytime they are not laying on the floor. We could probably stop the poisioning by forcing them to wear scuba gear at all time, which will also prevent the drownings. To prevent the huge escalation in child deaths due to improper scuba maintenance and use, we could assign a government worker for every 2 children to monitor their scuba gear. They could also assure proper usage of fire retardant clothing and do fire inspections daily at residences. To prevent firearm deaths we should arm the government assistants so they can gun down anyone (else) who brings a gun near the children. Then we'll keep the children at school 24/7 to prevent transportation deaths, which will cut down on the costs of the government assigned assistant.

When those children reach 15 they graduate to the real world where they will probably get themselves killed immediately since they have no experience and no fear.

[Mike Flugennock]

Anyone else here reminded of...

...that old Monty Python sketch, part of their "Cycling Tour" episode, where the cyclist (Palin) encounters a quirky scientist (Jones) whose current project is designing "safer food"?

"Here, that tomato's just ejected itself!"

"Oh? It, works! IT WORKS! IT --" >screeeeeechSMASH!!<

[Anonymous Coward]

Don't tell 'em about Peanut Butter!

According to a food handler's safety class (required), taken by your's truly many many years ago, peanut butter is the number one cause of infant/toddler death by choking.

But that was 20+ years ago. Perhaps we've devised a better method of exterminating the little rug rats by now...