'Fat birds get laid sooner, have more one-night stands'

German boffins have carried out a groundbreaking study into the habits of fat birds as compared to thin ones. They say that the plumper subjects in their sample had more one-night stands than the slim ones, and that the chubbies in general achieved sexual congress sooner than their lightweight counterparts. According to a …

[Anonymous Coward]

I lol'ed

^_^

see above

[Anonymous Coward]

I see what you did there

*returns to reading Viz magazine*

[ravenviz]

Re: I see what you did there

Viz is a comic, it says so on the cover.

PS: it's not as funny as it used to be

[Z 1]

Hands up...

... those who mis-read the title and didn't twig the correct context of the story?

[Thomas 4]

*raises hand*

...I feel mildly ashamed.

[Hugh G. Rection]

sheepishly also rasing hand

Me too, until very near the end. It was the small size of the sample group that had me twigging.

[Anonymous Coward]

had me twigging?

Is that the bird world equivalent of dogging?

[LinkOfHyrule]

Me

I didn't get it until radio tag thingys were mentioned! And even then I thought, oh, maybe they are electronic police tags, a lot of fat birds I've known have them!

[Steve Roper]

I'm ashamed to say

That I only got it when I read the word "warblers" in the last line! I did start to have some vague suspicions about halfway through, but they weren't confirmed until that last line.

I need more sleep, I think...

[Anonymous Coward]

lol

was waiting for the punchline.

was not suprised.

I bet its true for humans as well

[Hollerith 1]

Just look at paintings...

The great paintings of Titian, Rubens, etc. etc. showed heavy women (because, let's face it, that is what the article is here for, given that the assumed audience is mostly male) as heaviness = sexiness because heaviness = fed, propserous, not cadaverous, not broken out in the sores and illnesses that come with malnutrition, etc.

It is thought that men's beards provide the same sort of function as tail feathers on, ay, pheasants: it is a visual marker to females of the man's/male bird's healtha nd therefore potency -- glossy feathers with complex patterning = alpha, thick, glossy, full beard = alpha. Malnutrition, because you are lower down on the pecking order and therefore have less access to food, means dull, less-patterned feathers or patchy and thin beards.

In the same way, a woman with heft (I am not talking obese, as neither was the Italian study) has the ability to bear children and suckle them without risk to her health, and has the energy storage that will ensure that she lives to raise her young.

So, before the male El Reg fans do their 'snurg, snurg' comments, let them check he phsycial attibutes they display for reproductive selection, and be not the ones who cast the first stone.

[Evil Auditor]

Stoned

Having not reproduced I kind of feel authorised to cast a stone - which I already did though probably not quite in the expected direction. You are right, of course and I'm just awaiting the other's superfluous comments. Btw, should I cease to shave?

[Anonymous Coward]

Experimental evidence

Experimental evidence collected by myself over a decade of beard wearing vs a decade of non-beard-wearing ...

Beards, by and large, prevent you from getting laid.

So, your theory is obviously wrong.

[Anonymous Coward]

You've been going with the wrong, erm, birds

mine vastly prefers me in a hirsute, rather than shaven, state. Although it's always possible she's only saying this in order to minimise the effects of my devastating handsomeness on her competition and keep me to herself.

[Anonymous Coward]

Beards

beards are good for playing human velcro!

AC, obviously

[Anonymous Coward]

Yet Another Title

"Beards, by and large, prevent you from getting laid"

Especially if you're a bird.

[Anonymous Coward]

birds with beards

... unless you're a "bearded tit" (phnarr!)

[Anonymous Coward]

Maybe it's just you...

I've worn a full beard for over 15 years (I shave it off once a year for a few weeks, but otherwise it's a full time thing) and I've always got a lot more female attention while wearing a beard than without.

Of course I always keep my beard trimmed and maintained... women definitely don't like scruffy unkempt beards

[Patrick Ernst]

@Experimental evidence

Beard first decade or last? Which decade was most successful? Have you adjusted for age and, presumably, experience having overcome the fumblings of youth? Do you have any 'candid photography'?

[Christopher Rogers]

bloody hell

Can you pass the bong?

[Robert E A Harvey]

Display?

I'd have thought that displaying my physcial attributes would get me slung in jail

[Evil Auditor]

Ah, you're talking about birds!

Now that took me half the article to read until I realise it's, er, just birds, real birds. In my mind I was already preparing some rant along the lines of despite all the obvious disadvantages such as getting laid later or not being able to fight back the lard spilling over from the seat next to me in an airplane I still prefer being slim... But, having a pure animal context I'm not going down this route.

EA

[Jimmy Floyd]

Many a true word....

Once I'd gotten over the surprise at realising that 'birds' in this context actually meant avians (brilliant, Lewis, quite brilliant), I remembered that this research is actually pretty obvious.

A few centuries (or less) ago, plump humans were regarded as more beautiful than thin ones. Generally this was because they ate more and worked less, (duh) and were therefore seen as having the money to support such a lifestyle. Fit, strong 'uns were working in the fields and were therefore peasantry.

Now that most developed cultures have enough food, we return to a state whereby we'll try to mate with what are perceived as healthier bodies - size zero freaks excepted!

[Tom 15]

My hand is up

I read the entire article and didn't realise until the last sentence that this article was actually about birds.

[Khyle Westmoreland]

Me too...

Though even worse, I didn't realise until I read the comments...!!

Paris because she doesn't need to be fat

[Professor Tinklepants]

C'mon people, really?!

You are all aware that this is El Reg, are you not? So why did the alarm bells not ring as soon as you saw the headline link?

You people are FAR too trusting!! ;0)

And, as no-one has said it yet, let me be the first to say... I like a well-fed lady. You can keep your scrawny, boy-chested, toothpicks-for-legs, pale, namby-pamby quasi-females - give me a girl with a bit of shape and plenty of curves every time.

'Course, not too much shape or too many curves either, you understand - I'm not a member of the Bella Emburg fan club or anything...

[Anonymous Coward]

Mine too :0)

I think I smoked too much last night.

Even by the time I read the last sentence I was so flippantly translating the term 'Bird' to the vernacular, I just thought that by 'caught them' they meant 'got them to participate in the study' and it was still an article about chunky women getting it more often than most.

Which also makes sense I guess. It took no time at all (as a ruthlessly h0rny teen in the 90s) to work out that:"There's none so easy to bed as as those grateful of the attention and the broken hearted".

AC - Because I've grown up a bit since then (and my 'bird' reads El Reg and knows my handle) :0)

[Roby]

You got me

I also did not realise until the comments. Bit of a wake up call actually...

[Anonymous Coward]

And me

..well half way down the comments actually.

[Andus McCoatover]

Phew!

At first I thought you were talking about my "built for comfort, not speed" ex-girlfriend.

My mate's got an emu farm* in New Zealand, and the birds need 'help', as it were. Turkey's have (i understand) a habit of falling off at the critical moment, also.

Ever seen the Welsh film "On the black hill" when the brothers are trying to mate two horses (The horses together, not the brothers!)? Complicated contraption required (basically, 2 ramps) , but I suppose that's farming.

* S'ppose they should easily be able to get their long legsover, but aint so. To scientifically test this theory, I might try giving the missus one of those cowboy thingies, when we're both on stilts.....

[Dick Emery]

Vis a 'Viz'

Roger Melly would say 'Bollocks!'.

Where's my pint?

[Gordon is not a Moron]

So....

the whole "go ugly, early" when looking for a quick fumble applies to avians as well.

[Anonymous Coward]

damn brits

and their weird slang!!!!

[Anonymous John]

Platmobil reconstr

Er wait a minute.

<Rereads article>

Ah...

Mine's the one with the "kick me" label.

[Anonymous Coward]

humans too

This certainly used to be the case for the flightless types of birds as well. The chubby ones were so grateful to be asked out that they'd do (almost) anything, and enthusiastically as well. (I say "used to be" since I'm no longer permitted to put this theory to the test. It may still be true).

Then again, maybe the birds in this study just couldn't shift their arses out of the way fast enough? Hard to fly off so quickly with an extra ounce or two on the old breastbone.

Reminds me of the joke about the two hunters who disturb a grizzly bear. One of them quickly pulls a pair of running shoes out of his pack and starts to put them on. His mate says "You're wasting your time, you'll never outrun a grizzly." to which he replies "I don't need to, I just need to outrun you."

[Anonymous Coward]

Some things never change.

No need to worry fella, I've got an ongoing research project that bears out your theory.

Paris, part of the control group as required for scientific accuracy.

[Anonymous Coward]

Rubens...

"The great paintings of Titian, Rubens, etc. etc. showed heavy women..."

In Rubens case that's because his model was Mrs. Rubens.

[Anonymous Coward]

I knew it

Fat birds try harder.

Science they should teach in school.

[Anonymous Coward]

I'll drink to that

Who wants a rickety chair when you can have a nice comfy sofa?.

Now can we add beer into the equation too?

I would be interested to see if drunk birds get any more interest...

[Ventilator]

Hand raised in shame

Had to read it twice to confirm article related to the feathered variety.... zero out of ten for observation.

[Slappy]

<sigh>

Now posting "Thats 'cos they're a bunch of fat slappers" seems kind of moot.

Have beard will travel---> Coat

[Anonymous Coward]

Uh...

'research into warblers' - I don't get it, the girls were singers too?

[frank ly]

You Need To Wait A While

I've obviously read the article in much better detail that most commentards here - please note:

"....on the Italian island of Ventotene....."

This behaviour is only when they are on holiday in hot places. So, you'll need to check out charter flight prices for an early summer holiday.

[Juan Inamillion]

Move along, nothing to see here

Since time immemorial, or at least since rock groups and their crew started touring the world, we've known that fat birds are easier to pull and more likely to make the beast with two backs. And...

Oh wait....

[Anonymous Coward]

Snurg, Snurg

See the title...

[Bill B]

Lewis Page .. 'nuff said

Read the title, checked the author and alarm bells rang .. bound to be a twist in the article somewhere.

I waz right

[Anonymous Coward]

To quote Quagmire

Fat chicks deserve love too, but they have to pay for it.

[Anonymous Coward]

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

Piece of cake.

That'll ruffle a few feathers.

[Anonymous Coward]

Curious.

There are a few feeders in the garden here. Seeds. Nuts. Fat balls. The ones that prefer the fat balls more than any other are the Great Tits. Which is more important than being 'Rubenesque' per se.

[fred #257]

Ohhhhhhhhh....

You do realise what you just said?

" The ones that prefer the fat balls more than any other are the Great Tits. "

I'm sorry I just can't help it. Like everyone else here, apparently.

[Andus McCoatover]

If anyone comes up with the old turkey line.....

..."Gobble, Gobble, Gobble", Moderatrix will ban them.

Oops.

[Anonymous Coward]

S.B.

You know, I'm damned suprised the Moderatrix hasn't been in here yet to slap us ALL silly! I can almost hear her gentle steaming and simmering in the background.

I think we should all leg it. Quick.

Mine's the one being held out to me by the fat bird.

[chris 130]

Thats Germany right?

Where they prefer bigger assed/breasted women?

Try another survey in Arabia & Egypt, surprised?

Don't be so bloody naive mate.

[ravenviz]

Greater sunburned elephant bird

"We assume that the majority of the birds arrived on the island the morning we caught them"

That happened to a friend of mine* on an island hopping holiday to Greece

*no, honest

Mine's the one with the creme egg in the pocket