back to article Southampton chap lodges todger in steel pipe

A Southampton man who somehow got his todger stuck in a three-inch length of steel pipe had to be cut free by eight firemen bearing an angle grinder, the Southern Daily Echo reports. The drama began when the unnamed 30-something chap presented himself at Southampton General Hospital's A&E department suffering from "restricted …


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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I would have thought a dremel type cutter would be more appropriate - less likely to slip and cause serious injury.

    Alternatively, they could have used a syringe - remove some of the offending blood, hence freeing the pipe.

  2. Anonymous Coward

    IN a 3-inch length of pipe?

    Which kind of implies (Though god help me I'm going to have to bleach my brain after thinking about this) that his erect todger was shorter than 3-inches.

    Talk about piling humiliation upon despair!

    And seriously, a metal pipe? Of all the things you could consider sticking your knob in that would have to be one the last. It's cold, hard, unyielding and with sharp edges - was it my wife?

    Unlucky, sir, unlucky.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: IN a 3-inch length of pipe?

      He might not have gone balls deep.

    2. Harry the snot gobbler

      How? Why?

      Unless he had the 3" pipe up to the hilt and the other 9" hanging out the end.

      Wonder how long it took to pluck up the courage to go to hospital and show someone what he'd done with a 3" length of pipe and his herman gelmet

    3. Anonymous Coward

      @ac 13:21

      It's a pipe, i.e. open ended, which is why it got stuck, to put it bluntly the head got swollen and wouldn't fit back down the pipe, if it had been inside, a bit of soapy water would of worked.


      Blood is pumped up the centre and returns on the outer, hence it swell up when contricted and can't shrink. If they had syringed it, it would of just filled up again as fast.

      1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

        Thanks ..

        .. for the heads up.

        The one with the KY, thanks..

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    Not something to poke fun at!! ;-)

  4. Andus McCoatover


    I read the article, didn't check the author first.

    I didn't even have to 'page up' to immediately realise it was written by Lester...Nice one!

    I should get out more, but it's -31C at the moment, so reading El Reg in the pub is warmer.

  5. irish donkey

    I can't think of a single thing

    that would do justice to this story.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Pun... overload... head... exploding...

  7. Anonymous Coward

    Did you think he...

    ..would need a stiff drink afterwards?

    Mine's the one with the tub of axle grease in the pocket..

  8. Liam Johnson

    ONLY three or four times?

    Multiplied by how many fire stations? That seems like a lot of people doing something silly.

    Perhaps they should do one of those nice public information broadcasts. Don't run with scissors; don't play near water; don't stick your todger in a rusty pipe.

    I always remember the one they used to show when I was a kid about not playing with fireworks. Some small child is rushed into the hospital with their hand wrapped in bandages. The nurse unwraps the ever more stained bandages until – there is no hand inside. Used the scare the willies out of me at the time.

  9. LinkOfHyrule
    Paris Hilton

    Where's the...

    Where's the penis angle? ...oh wait!

    Paris, 'cus she's had a few pipes herself.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Try something safer, like a watermelon, next time!

    I'm surprised by the age of the people who get themselves into this sort of difficulty. Perhaps they don't report the under-18s, but these are men aged 30+ or 40+. They should know better.

  11. Anonymous Coward

    Fleshlight Fail

    A solid steel Fleshlight?

  12. Anonymous Coward


    Sounds more like someone from Portsmouth.

  13. Hollerith 1

    Lads, lads...

    My favorite bit was the comments that he'd seen only three or four similar incidents in his 17 year career.

    Lads, come on, a steel pipe? How on earth is this going to be a good idea, let alone a sensuous experience, especially in this cold?

  14. TeeCee Gold badge

    Let me guess. Careful with money is he?

    "....somehow got his todger stuck in a three-inch length of steel pipe..."

    Obviously a very tight-fisted wanker.

  15. AlistairJ

    Southampton women

    I think this says more about the ladies of that southern city than anything else. Grim.

  16. Skizz
    Thumb Up

    A candidate...

    ..surely for the year's first playmobil perversion!

  17. nichomach

    Is there...

    ...a Playmobil angle-grinder...?

    Need beer at very thought....

  18. Sir Runcible Spoon


    Has he been placed on the sex offenders register like that chappie with the bicycle in his locked hotel room?

    Can *anyone* explain why you would subject yourself to somethign like this? It doesn't even sound perverted, it's so far beyone anything that my mind can boggle.

  19. Dunstan Vavasour
    IT Angle


    Can't quite get the mental picture straight - perhaps you could produce a helpful Playmobil reconstruction?

  20. Dick Emery

    I would not...

    ...stick THAT in my pipe and smoke it!

  21. Dick Emery

    Oh and...

    ...truly 'plumbing' the depths of bad taste :)

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Reminds me of...

    A story about a guy who drove 30 miles with a length of hoover pipe on his junk to a hospital to get it removed...

    When asked why he drove so far, instead of going to his local A&E he admitted to being a consultant surgeon and didn't want to be recognised at the hospital where he worked...

  23. Mike Shepherd

    Iced water

    Just put the pipe into iced water.

    That's what seems likely to alleviate the problem.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge

      Iced water?

      Obvious problem.

      If that didn't work, you'd end up with a three inch length of frozen steel pipe stuck on your knob and the world's hacks would be merrily churning out articles about the poor sod who had to have his frostbitten todger removed.

      Maybe it would be a good idea to keep a blowtorch handy, just in case?

      1. Pirate Dave Silver badge

        maybe a better idea

        would be to get an easy girlfriend?

  24. Anonymous Coward

    Where can I see...

    ... the youtube video??

  25. Anonymous Coward

    tripping over and accidentally landing up a chicken's clacker

    i had an ED call recently where a "rural gentleman" had "tripped over" and his pants fell off, and he gained a spontaneous erection, and it accidentally landed in the back end of a chicken...what are the odds, eh?..anyway, the chicken died in the process of this "tripping over" which caused its clacker to contract shut on the base of his tockley.

    so we made him wait in the ED waiting room for about 5 hours with a dead chicken on his old fella before surgically removing it, even though we weren't busy at all, just for the luls ;]

    penguin cause its the closest icon to a chicken!

    1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge
      Thumb Up


      Thanks for that, it took me a while to stop laughing.

      It does create a problem, though, I cannot get that image out of my mind of someone sitting in a waiting room in that condition. Quality..

      What was that about using feathers or using the whole chicken? Oh, yes..

  26. Ken 16 Silver badge

    obviously just cleaning his pipes

    for the new year

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But who hasn't thought about trying it :-)

    I think the possibility of ending up at A&E having to explain your predicament, let alone trying to create an excuse which is in anyway believable, would curtail most people's thoughts that this might be a good idea. You know there will be giggles. Lots.

    I can only imagine the best way to deal with it with any dignity is with a bold, brash approach. Waltz in with said piping and insertion dangling in the breeze, and a "let's see you get that off then!" attitude.

    Might be an idea to build up to it in stages, get them used to your weekly appearance. Then they won't bat an eyelid.

  28. dervheid

    Eight firemen?

    Ah, that would be one to wield the cutter, and seven to hold him down then.

  29. Anonymous Coward

    Fire station humour?

    "St Mary’s crew manager Adrian Johnson..."

    Accompanied by assistant crew managers Paul Totherwon and Heyward Jablowme no doubt.

  30. Dave Murray
    Paris Hilton



  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If it was the 1860s

    They'd have just given him some opium and left him alone for a half hour.

  32. Don Sinclair

    Should have gone for the water melon

    Apparently and not I hasten to add through experience, a hollowed out water melon has often been favoured over steel pipe. You see steel pipe, especially pipe that has been cut is liable to contain swarf, which as any shagger of engineering and construction components will tell you can result in terrible splinters, which, unless stainless steel can become infected very quickly. A water melon on the other hand, notwithstanding the significant risk of seeds becoming lodged in your John Thomas has the added bonus of giving the shagger the ability of inviting his friends to join the same time merely by creating another passage and 'diving on in'.

    This mutual approach to the shagging of inanimate objects also has the benefits of making A&E related stories all the more plausible, in that if three guys arrive in the waiting room and stick to the same story.........'we were practicing our new dance routine when suddenly we were set upon by a nympho melon' the staff are bound to believe it. Have any more readers got any similar views.......I heard that a pound of sausage, when brought up to room temperature has often been used at parties.......not that I have had experience of such things!!

    1. Steve Roper

      Good one!

      Thanks for that ;)

    2. asiaseen

      Reminds me

      of a butcher in Malta I knew many years ago who, feeling a little tired while on the job, slipped a salami into his gf in lieu.

  33. Anonymous Coward

    ..."somehow" got his todger stuck...

    I really don't think there's any doubt /how/ he got his todger stuck... only *why*!

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm thuck!

    Cold weather, steel pipe, why?

    I can only assume that one of his friends had triple dog dared him.

  35. Alan Ferris


    It was the subheading "Free whitepaper – Desktop virtualization" that frightened me most.

    Add me to the list of those needing a Playmobil version...

  36. Anonymous Coward


    @AC 14:35

    WAY WAY too much information..

    I've heard of the hard up scoring with a milk bottle, I've heard of sad and lonely hitting on a vacuum cleaner.. but a metal pipe.. that's a first for me..

    I think the highlight of the story was when the watch commander states he's ONLY come across this kind of thing 3 or 4 times.. You'd think (indeed hope and pray) that this kind of thing would be a once in a lifetime event!

  37. ShaggyDoggy


    Playmobil or it didn't happen !!!

  38. Anonymous Coward


    Reminds me of Family Guy.


    "Hey, it's Quagmire.... yeah, it's stuck in the Window this time".

  39. Cowboy Bob

    I Remember... old friend who used to work at an A&E department once told me about a husband and wife arriving - he with a severely lacerated John Thomas and she with severe concussion. Turns out that she was administering oral pleasure in the kitchen and had some kind of fit. The only thing the husband could think of to unclamp his wife's gnashers was to repeatedly bash her around the head with a frying pan.

  40. Daniel Wilkie

    Got to hand it to the fireman with the grinder though

    That's some steady hands!

  41. Anonymous Coward

    shame it wasn't lead

    As that would have led to an excellent pun about him wanting a bit more lead in his pencil

    Seriously though, how would you really get into such a predicament unless you were doing something other than working with the pipe.

    Mine's the one with the cricket box in the pocket as I hear these rogue pipes hunt in packs,,,,

  42. Bill Fresher


    I can't imagine how anyone's could fit in there. And he couldn't even enjoy a nice smoke once he was freed because they broke the pipe. A bad day all round.

  43. VulcanV5

    Grow up, the lot of you.

    How the hell else are you going to check the diameter of a pipe before its installation?

  44. Evil Genius
    Big Brother

    Quickly nurse, the screens.

    Simple. He was only trying to get the hamster out.

  45. Steve Roper
    Dead Vulture

    You gotta wonder at the El Reg mods' mentality

    when they publish a mindless post like "Giggity... giggity" but deem my list of "10 reasons why a steel pipe is better than a woman" unsuitable for publication... go figure!

  46. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: You gotta wonder at the El Reg mods' mentality

    You gotta wonder, does yer? May I quote from said '10 reasons why a steel pipe is better than a woman' post:

    "6. A steel pipe doesn't get loose and sloppy after you've screwed it a dozen times."

    It wasn't funny and it wasn't clever and it wasn't pleasant and to be honest it's this kind of crap that makes me want to go and moderate comments on the Sunday Sport's website as they may be a little more mature and enlightened.

    And I don't care if you think you were being ironic and post-modern - I don't think you understand those concepts enough to go flinging them around on these threads on my watch. A quote from the oversexed character from Family Guy in this context is perfectly innocuous, if inane. Your comment was the work of a disgusting little boy and I moderated it accordingly.

    Does that shed any light on the matter for you?

    1. Mr Ian
      Thumb Up


      You sir, have been dominated.

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What a dick

    (Well, someone had to say it)

    They could've tried ice and a picture of Maggie Thatcher. Always works for me....

    I suppose the firemen will be known as the Todger Squad hereafter

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