back to article Pig plague alert: Our safe sex guide

Cosmopolitan's recent advice on how to avoid copping a dose of pig plague while getting your rocks off - specifically by avoiding the missionary position - prompted the Vulture Central Public Health Bureau to compile an equally nifty cut-out-and-keep guide. Yes indeed, you can't be too careful in these high-risk times, and …


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  1. Anonymous Coward

    Pure genius

    You've made my friday once again!

  2. George Nacht
    Thumb Up

    I am not the one to throw big words around....

    ...but this is Playmobil Guide To End All Guides!

    Or at least the right way to end every Friday.

    Thank you very much!

  3. Polisson
    Paris Hilton

    Your rating for this article

    Surely, there's only one possible rating for this ....?

    Paris, who else?

  4. Anonymous Coward

    Why oh why ...

    ... oh why, isn't there a Play Mobil re-enactments category in the Turner prize?

  5. Jay Castle


    Simply put, you have made my Friday.

    Thank you!

  6. Nev

    Pure Genius.

    That is all.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    Now, purely in the interests of research, could does anyone have any handy links to said Natalie Portman nipslips?

  8. neb


    ...its friday

  9. Anonymous Coward


    "...proceed directly to hospital, where the sterile environment means there's no chance whatsoever of you passing H1N1 to any intimate female friends or paparazzi who might want to visit"

    But instead you'll probably end up with MRSA, or whatever this week's superbug is!

  10. Stu Pid

    You're right...

    That isn't safe for work. I've just been sacked.

    Coat, for obvious reasons...

  11. Anonymous John

    It's Friday!

    I love Fridays!

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Goes beyond awesomeness into a whole new realm of jaw-dropping brilliance

    One for the Reg's tame lawyer. Have we broken the new obscenity laws by even looking at this vital health information? If so, I can't wait for the trial.

    (And is that Lewis inside the scuba outfit - the face mask was so steamed up it was hard to tell)

  13. Anonymous Coward

    Obnoxious, yer honor!

    "since most Reg readers have never seen a woman naked"

    I protest! Have too. Just not in the same room as me, that's all.

    OK, alright, I'm leaving, no need for the cattle prod...

  14. David Adams

    Pure Class as ever.

    Although I'll never be able to watch "Calamity Jane" in the same light after that first pic!!

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Big Brother


    Can we have one about photographers and the police state?

  16. Wommit
    Paris Hilton


    should bin their article and link directly to this.

    And I have seen a woman naked, I've got lots of er... pictures... of real females without their clothes on.

  17. Blake St. Claire

    What made this NSFW?

    Did I miss something?

    And BTW, I think you have way too many PlayMobile figures.

  18. Piro Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Unbelievably fantastic

    ... This is why I keep coming to El Reg, day in, day out.

  19. Pirate Dave Silver badge
    Thumb Up


    That was a great way to end the week. Well done Mr. Haines.

  20. Alex C

    More Plz

    More like this please.

    We had our office Christmas party last night and frankly I'm good for nothing today, so if you could churn out more of this sort of thing I'd be very grateful.



  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hey, where's the special?

    No Optimus Prime this time, eh?

  22. Evil_Medic


    Does our friend Lewis Page know about these photos of his boudoir?

    Pirates, as he will have you keel hauled if the answer is 'no'.

  23. poobumwilly
    Thumb Up


    I liked this so much I [Censored] my [Censored] until it was red raw!

    ... And then my secretary walked in! She was surprised and shocked at first until I suggested that she [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] her [Censored] [Censored] in the broom cupboard while I [Censored] my [Censored] [Censored] all over her [Censored] [Censored] and [Censored] [Censored] [Censored].

    It was at that point that she showed me a side that I thought never existed! She said that she wanted me to [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] her [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] into a [Censored] [Censored] while she [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] and also while the office temp, Steve, [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] at [Censored] [Censored] and inserted seven [Censored] [Censored] [Censored], plus a hamster!

    In short... Best. Friday. Ever!

  24. Ball boy Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Mr. Haines..., Sir, have too much time on your hands.

    More worryingly (tho' not to me I hasten to add) is your plastic perversion: is it legal for a grown man to own this many pieces of playmobile?

    On a lesser note, why does the reverse cowgirl feature two women? As a bloke in IT, anything so adventurous is clearly beyond my wildest imagination and I demand an explanation. In full. Preferably with a video accompaniment.

    Thank you Lester - Rockall lives on, albeit in spirit.

  25. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
    Thumb Up

    Best playmobil...


    However are you guys going to top this one, one wonders.

  26. Anonymous Coward

    Lester, you've beat all your past efforts

    And here I am spouting off with happy ejaculations of congratulation. It's a little wet out, getting my coat....

  27. Jason Yau
    IT Angle

    Does this

    count as extreme porn?

  28. Thomas 4
    IT Angle

    I salute you, Mr Haines....

    Just when I thought the content on El Reg couldn't become any more depraved, you once again, excel yourself.


  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Clothing Required?

    All your models are wearing clothes. Have I been doing this wrong?

  30. Dayjo
    Thumb Up


    You guys are blood sick.

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