back to article Pig plague alert: Avoid missionary position

Cosmpolitan has done its bit to fight the terrifying advance of the H1N1 pig plague by advising its readers to avoid the missionary position during sex and instead adopt the reverse cowgirl. According to the handy guide (spotted by Gawker, which has a grab here) explaining how not to die as a result of human contact, gals …


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  1. Anonymous Coward

    Well, they would say that, wouldn't they?

    having had a colourful description of the pop that a penis makes when it fractures from a slip during reverse cow girl, it's off the menu in my household. tends to be all female meds during the op to sew it back on. something about peeling it open like a banana ...

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Thanks for the tips

    Avoiding physical contact is always a good idea during sex.

    Maybe we should all take up latex fetishism?

  3. John Savard Silver badge

    Obviously a Joke

    After all, one could simply go and get one's flu shot, couldn't one?

    1. Scott Mckenzie

      Well yes...

      ...if of course the flu shot was designed for the current mutated strain of pig flu... which it likely isn't anymore.

    2. prathlev

      Protect the flus!

      > "get one's flu shot"

      I strongly oppose this meaningless violence against flus! Someone should mandate humane treatment of flus.

  4. Ian Ferguson
    Paris Hilton


    I'm not sure how effective kiss-blowing and upper-arm squeezing will be as foreplay... I think to practice truly safe sex we need full-body condoms (aka Police Academy?)

    1. c3

      @ Ian Ferguson

      IIRC it was Naked Gun, not Police Academy.

  5. karma mechanic

    hermitically ?

    If that was intentional that was quite clever...

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Where should I go

    to Adopt a reversed cowgirl. and would that make the nice lady from the PETA advert like me?

    inquiring minds need to know

  7. David Adams
    Thumb Up


    We need a Playmobil guide to keeping safe during the crisis!!

  8. Arnie Sintheshed

    Right then....

    ...from now until we are given the all clear, I will replace all handshakes with 'bumped fists'. Might be a bit awkward at client meetings but we must all do our part.

    1. c3

      Fist bump is out

  9. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

    In b4 antivaxers...

    I'm sure this is only going to remotely work if you wear armour, too. Additionally, it is NOT fun doing it with 38.7 and a tremendous headache. Any MD wanna comment?

  10. The Metal Cod
    Dead Vulture

    Solution Is Simples

    and the same as you would use if shagging a real moose - put a paper bag over their head!

  11. censored

    If you're worried about catching a disease...

    perhaps you shouldn't rub your wet bits against theirs.

    I've had pig plague, and I really didn't fancy sex at the time anyway.

    1. Annihilator Silver badge

      With a nod to Sheldon Cooper

      "I've had pig plague and I really didn't fancy sex at the time anyway"

      If influenza wasn't contagious after symptoms manifested themselves, it would have disappeared a long time ago. Between cave dwelling and tool building, Homo habilis would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.

  12. Doug Glass

    Fox Maximum Protection

    Just do yourself.

  13. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
    Paris Hilton

    I don't understand this

    I mean it's not as if Paris has come down with swine flu.

    maybe playing the pink oboe gives you some sort of immunity....

  14. MDZawadi

    What the ****

    What more should we do to avoid the pig plague? well stop all human contact, so work from home!

    Ok, no I'm not going to work from home or stop using a sex style. In fact I do all the things we should should avoid, pig flu? what pig flu!

  15. Tim K

    What on earth?

    Reverse cowgirl is strictly a porn position. Does anyone actually try this more than once? Probably the most unsatisfying and uncomfortable position ever.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up


      It's like doggy on your back, so basically awesome, but you get to lie down and do nothing

    2. Hugh G. Rection

      Ah, but....

      If your partner has a nice ass, the view is awesome.

  16. Fred 1

    Dangerous advice

    When I tried to tell one of the girls in the office that a reverse cowgirl would be safer than just saying good morning, she puched me right in the nose.

    Consequently this careless article increased her chances of catching something enormously.

  17. Evil_Trev
    Paris Hilton

    More advice needed

    What are the, H1N1, infection chances from pos. 69 ? If it's in the breath does that mean watersports are safe ? ... Research needed here I feel.

  18. Dave 129

    @Ian Ferguson

    It was from Naked Gun, but I don't remember specifically which one (I think the first) - Frank says to the girl: "I believe in safe sex" and the next scene is of both of them in giant condoms.

  19. uarch

    New pickup line?

    "Hey baby, lets go fight H1N1"

  20. gollux

    Absolutely no foreplay...

    It must be forced, mechanical and over with as soon as possible...

    Also, make a date with a marriage councellor to deal with the increased anxiety...

  21. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart


    what's all this about fisting bumps, I though we were talking about the reverse cowgirl

  22. Andrew Barr
    Paris Hilton

    bad linking

    went to the link in the post.....quite informative, but then there was a link to this - very wrong!!

    Pais, because this is what she will look like in 40yrs time

  23. Brock Knudsen
    Thumb Up

    Works for me

    I'm actually surprised that Cosmo didn't publish an article entitled "the 10 H1N1 positions that will drive him Wild..."

    Oh and in my circle of friends we prefer the term "Hamthrax" to "Pig Plague"

    Feel free to spread the term around.

    1. Oninoshiko
      Thumb Up


      thumbs up for hamthrax. that made my day! ^_^

    2. mspletz


      That's the funniest thing I've heard in quite some time! Thank you!

  24. Paul RND*1000

    How about we just f**k the media instead?

    Since it's their ratings-chasing hysteria which has people freaking out over this "plague" anyway.

    I've had to explain to at least one person than, no, H1N1 is NOT 100% fatal. For real.

    This time next year, swine flu will be last year's news just like bird flu is now (remember how *that* was going to end civilization as we know it? Yeah. Can you even remember the HnNn code for that one now? I can't.) and the "news" will be full of whatever humanity-ending plague is going around then.

    The only plague likely to kill is all is the fast-spreading "Human Stupidity" or H1S1, the cure for which is to stop listening to whatever the well-paid talk radio host or TV rent-a-pundit with plastic hair is telling you, do your own research on things and FOR GOD'S SAKE THINK FOR A CHANGE!

    1. Rattus Rattus


      "Can you even remember the HnNn code for that one now?"

      Yes - H5N1 and I didn't even look it up. But I agree, who cares? It's just another flu. Some people who get it will die, most won't. I think it's another case of "scares sell news."

  25. Gene Cash Silver badge

    Absolute hysteria

    Yesterday, I came to work to see a handwashing station IN THE GODDAMNED ELEVATOR.

    People seriously need to get a grip.

    1. Red Bren

      Why is this a problem?

      "Yesterday, I came to work to see a handwashing station IN THE GODDAMNED ELEVATOR."

      Perfectly understandable if you know what the average UK lift is often used for. And it isn't love...

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    be 100% safe

    Look, just stick (?) to hand shandies until you get the flu shot. I'm off to email idea this to the Dept Of Health right now, hopefully some idiot will pop up on my TV recommending it as good practice.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ Tim K

    au contraire, it's by far the easiest position in which to watch television/read the paper/surf the web/eat a Pot Noodle/text your bit on the side without your partner knowing that you are devoting less than full attention to the business in hand.

    Now, can the Reg Safer Sex Team tell us what Cosmo has to say about reverse cowgirl anal?

  28. frank ly

    Evidence or Proper Analysis?

    Since 'reverse cowgirl' is equivalent to 'doggie style' with a 90 degree rotation about the Z-axis, I'm thinking that this, as well as the inelegant 'twisted spoon' would be just as good and not as uncomfortable.

    Did they do any real research for this or is it just some magazine hack's opinion?

    1. Daniel B.

      Damn right!

      Doggie style is much more comfortable, it also reduces the risk of me getting my manhood fractured. OW!

  29. Dave Walker

    @ Gene Cash: Getting a Grip

    Actually, I think the point is to avoid getting The Grip(pe). Health and Safety Officers have a way of spreading their "Influence"

    OK, I'm running now!

  30. Nusato

    Anyone who takes sex advice from Cosmo

    Will get exactly what they deserve.

    Their links are better than mine would be. Icy Hot, that's all I want to say. And now I have to go wash my brain.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Get your H1N1 filter pillows here!

    I guess one potential advantage of the Cosmo position is it'd make getting a pedicure at the same time easier. But what's wrong with the good'ol pillow biting position?

  32. b166er

    Tell me more

    about these cosmopolitan urges of yours.

    +1 for hamthrax

  33. asiaseen

    The best orgasms

    are handmade

  34. JohnG


    I don't think my wife would approve if she caught me in bed with a cowgirl, reversed or otherwise.

    Assuming you actually spend some time with the people you have sex with, you'll probably have many other chances to exchange viruses with them - not just when you're doing the beast with two backs.

  35. Andus McCoatover


    "Yesterday, I came to work to see a handwashing station IN THE GODDAMNED ELEVATOR"

    Not so odd. Think it through.

    I was in China at the middle of the SARS epidemic. (I was one of the few Nokia folks from Europe to agree to go).

    It immediately dawned on me to use matchsticks to press the buttons in the hotel's elevator, as that's something everyone in the hotel touched.

    Never got SARS, but because I happened to sneeze - once - on my first day back, due to travelling in cattle-class and breathing relatively dry air for 14 hours, I got a weeks' free sick leave. I was absolutely fine. (Last paragraph simplified, but you get the drift).

    Oh, and Missinary Position's good for us. Easier for us to hold the brown paper bags over our heads without tearing them, natch. We're both 'fugly uckers'.

  36. Mr Mrr

    Definitely need a third party...

    ...because the virus spreads orally.

  37. Andus McCoatover


    Once there was an article/discussion about vibrators.

    A "Wise Doctor" injoined "One should never put anything unsterilised into the vagina".

    A far wiser woman replied "How would you suggest sterilising a penis? Would boiling suffice?"

  38. Andus McCoatover

    Statistically..shouldn't happen to me.

    My missus - due to her being a healthcare worker was innoculated in the first batch to Finland. After all, she cycles around the city, making sure her customers (at home we affectionately refer to them as the 'Grand Old Ladies/Gentlemen) have taken their pills/food, and are washed, shaved and - OK - alive. Guess the idea of giving them a dose of swine 'flu wouldn't go down well.

    Actually, with the health budget mentality - if enough get it and croak, it'd save a packe...Nah, Andus, you're thinking too much ZaNuLabour.

    But as she's been innoculated against H1N1, and as we're 'exchanging bodily fluids' on birthdays and public holidays then I may also be immune now. Kinda 'reverse innoculation', if you get my drift. Lester's already done a Playmobil of this, something about man-juice and alien overlords - no need to reiterate. Although the 'recommended' reverse cow-girl method quoted in the article would make me an 'underlord'. At a guess.

    The statistical bit - if, say 70% of Finland's population get vaccinated, then I'm far less likely to be exposed. Added to the fact I keep my bloodstream at a totally unhealthy (to bugs) level of alcohol, I'm probably the least likely in Finland to get it.

    I, for one welcome our new reverse cow-girl over.., er, thingies.

  39. Adrian Midgley 1
    Thumb Down

    immunity not transmissible like that

    Alas, Andus.

    You might find this interesting, it is accurate.

    (The WIkipedia version has a Platypus picture)

  40. Fubar75


    Reminds me of a joke about the chicken and the pig

    Chicken falls in love with a pig,

    the very next day, the chicken dies of swine flu, the pig dies of bird flu...

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Look me in the eyes....

    I'm posting anonymously because my employer makes military infrared imaging systems. And every morning when we enter the building one of our own machines scans our eyes and somehow, ascertains (guesses, in Fahrenheit) whether we have a fever. If it flashes a red icon we are supposed to do the right thing and go home and suffer our hamthrax in private.

    Pretty Cosmopolitan of 'em dontchathink?

  42. Rick Giles

    @AC 22:39

    Who makes such a device? We need one where I work. My cohorts and I do desktop support so we have to go to all sorts of peoples cubes. Some of the keyboards should be considered a bio-hazard.

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