Pig plague alert: Avoid missionary position Cosmpolitan has done its bit to fight the terrifying advance of the H1N1 pig plague by advising its readers to avoid the missionary position during sex and instead adopt the reverse cowgirl. According to the handy guide (spotted by Gawker, which has a grab here) explaining how not to die as a result of human contact, gals …
having had a colourful description of the pop that a penis makes when it fractures from a slip during reverse cow girl, it's off the menu in my household. tends to be all female meds during the op to sew it back on. something about peeling it open like a banana ...
"I've had pig plague and I really didn't fancy sex at the time anyway"
If influenza wasn't contagious after symptoms manifested themselves, it would have disappeared a long time ago. Between cave dwelling and tool building, Homo habilis would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.
Since it's their ratings-chasing hysteria which has people freaking out over this "plague" anyway.
I've had to explain to at least one person than, no, H1N1 is NOT 100% fatal. For real.
This time next year, swine flu will be last year's news just like bird flu is now (remember how *that* was going to end civilization as we know it? Yeah. Can you even remember the HnNn code for that one now? I can't.) and the "news" will be full of whatever humanity-ending plague is going around then.
The only plague likely to kill is all is the fast-spreading "Human Stupidity" or H1S1, the cure for which is to stop listening to whatever the well-paid talk radio host or TV rent-a-pundit with plastic hair is telling you, do your own research on things and FOR GOD'S SAKE THINK FOR A CHANGE!
au contraire, it's by far the easiest position in which to watch television/read the paper/surf the web/eat a Pot Noodle/text your bit on the side without your partner knowing that you are devoting less than full attention to the business in hand.
Now, can the Reg Safer Sex Team tell us what Cosmo has to say about reverse cowgirl anal?
Since 'reverse cowgirl' is equivalent to 'doggie style' with a 90 degree rotation about the Z-axis, I'm thinking that this, as well as the inelegant 'twisted spoon' would be just as good and not as uncomfortable.
Did they do any real research for this or is it just some magazine hack's opinion?
I don't think my wife would approve if she caught me in bed with a cowgirl, reversed or otherwise.
Assuming you actually spend some time with the people you have sex with, you'll probably have many other chances to exchange viruses with them - not just when you're doing the beast with two backs.
"Yesterday, I came to work to see a handwashing station IN THE GODDAMNED ELEVATOR"
Not so odd. Think it through.
I was in China at the middle of the SARS epidemic. (I was one of the few Nokia folks from Europe to agree to go).
It immediately dawned on me to use matchsticks to press the buttons in the hotel's elevator, as that's something everyone in the hotel touched.
Never got SARS, but because I happened to sneeze - once - on my first day back, due to travelling in cattle-class and breathing relatively dry air for 14 hours, I got a weeks' free sick leave. I was absolutely fine. (Last paragraph simplified, but you get the drift).
Oh, and Missinary Position's good for us. Easier for us to hold the brown paper bags over our heads without tearing them, natch. We're both 'fugly uckers'.
My missus - due to her being a healthcare worker was innoculated in the first batch to Finland. After all, she cycles around the city, making sure her customers (at home we affectionately refer to them as the 'Grand Old Ladies/Gentlemen) have taken their pills/food, and are washed, shaved and - OK - alive. Guess the idea of giving them a dose of swine 'flu wouldn't go down well.
Actually, with the health budget mentality - if enough get it and croak, it'd save a packe...Nah, Andus, you're thinking too much ZaNuLabour.
But as she's been innoculated against H1N1, and as we're 'exchanging bodily fluids' on birthdays and public holidays then I may also be immune now. Kinda 'reverse innoculation', if you get my drift. Lester's already done a Playmobil of this, something about man-juice and alien overlords - no need to reiterate. Although the 'recommended' reverse cow-girl method quoted in the article would make me an 'underlord'. At a guess.
The statistical bit - if, say 70% of Finland's population get vaccinated, then I'm far less likely to be exposed. Added to the fact I keep my bloodstream at a totally unhealthy (to bugs) level of alcohol, I'm probably the least likely in Finland to get it.
I, for one welcome our new reverse cow-girl over.., er, thingies.
I'm posting anonymously because my employer makes military infrared imaging systems. And every morning when we enter the building one of our own machines scans our eyes and somehow, ascertains (guesses, in Fahrenheit) whether we have a fever. If it flashes a red icon we are supposed to do the right thing and go home and suffer our hamthrax in private.
Pretty Cosmopolitan of 'em dontchathink?
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