back to article IBM's cat-brain sim a 'scam,' says Swiss boffin

Responding to its nation's sovereign call to develop electronics with the intelligence of a cat, IBM last week announced a major step in feline gray matter simulation. But professional rivalries clearly run deep inside puss brain replication circles, with a leading neuroscientist blasting the project as a "scam" and a "mass …


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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    First to say ...

    Mee-ow !!

    Paris: cat-fight at dawn

  2. Stu Wilson

    Really? cat-sized brain?

    As a cat owner, i'm sure they were going for the low hanging fruit (dog-sized brain) but thought that a computer that only wanted to lubricate its output interfaces and core dumped in the kitchen wouldn't get them the column inches.

    so they decide to go for a cat-sized brain, good luck to getting that to work.

    the process listing would show 90% sleep cycles all the time, the recycle bin would be full of logs, and the file store full of LOLcats.

  3. David 45

    Claws out.

    Where's the cat litter and scratching post, then?

  4. Goat Jam

    Cat Brain Sim

    Look around for dogs

    If dog found climb furniture

    if tired then do sleep


    Look around for servant

    If servant found do "manipulate servant"


    lick private parts

    func manipulate servant()

    rub self on servant leg()

    if servant_rub || servant pat then do purr


    goto start

    if servant_kick then do hiss, run, goto start

    if servant_feed then do sniff_food

    end func

    func sniff_food()

    if food_smell >= hunger_level then do eat


    goto start

    end func

    goto start

    I cun haz prize now?

  5. Mage Silver badge
    Thumb Up


    I agree. What ever it is they are doing, it's not a simulation of a Cat's Cortex. It's a bigger version of pointless "neuron" models that tell us nothing much about cognition.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Rarified Nerd Brain ≠ Mollified Herd Brain

    This is typical of so many pronouncements by technical professionals who can't conceive how a non-technical person might take their words.

    Last one of note was the so-called desktop "electromagnetic blackhole" from Purdue U. that my non-technical friends mis-read as a cosmological black hole in a lab. Sigh.

  7. Nick Kew

    useless use of cat

    I already nominated this for a Useless Use of cat award. But maybe the story has even less to it.

  8. Anonymous Coward


    IBM, once the biggest IT company has become so irrelevant today. With all that puss power all they can do is sell Point Of Sell (POS) systems...

  9. Alan Esworthy

    Perfect application waiting for this

    Once we have a simulated cat cortex it simply must go into the executive module of the first Infinite Improbability Drive. What shall we name the starship to contain it? I suggest Heart of Goldfish.

  10. David Moore

    Attack of the killer non-sentient-node-brain.

    "meow" said the computer, as it launched the nukes.

  11. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    One small step for Man ... One Quantum Leap for HyperRadioProActive Womankind*

    "It's not artificial intelligence we're after here." .... IBM spokeswoman

    Then pray tell what intelligence you are after, IBM. Is it IBM's conclusion/prognostication that Man's Intelligence is Failed and needs to be Replaced/is being Super Seeded?

    What are you then using to make your decisions? The Intelligence of Women ..... or is IT AAA Phormed BaseMetaData Phished and Zipped from Virtual Space Communications in the Great Plagiarism for Lead Drive in a Grand New Real SurReal Intelligence Design for Virtual Reality Immersion and Conversion.

    And if not, why not ....... whenever the Facility is so Freely Available....... and would Offer everything so Differently and thus Immediately Eliminate Conflicts ..... and a NIRobotIQs Program which A.N.Other HPCombine is Realising in the Rising Sun East?

    * Or would that be too Alien a Program for Immediate Full Comprehension?

  12. Phil 54


    10 Meow

    20 Eat

    30 Scratch furniture

    40 goto 10

  13. TRT Silver badge

    So they are after...

    . It's not artificial intelligence we're after here.

    So what are they after? Real stupidity?

  14. breakfast Silver badge

    I have one already

    All it takes is windows and a few applications running and it seems that my laptop begins to behave in whimsical and inexplicable ways,often choosing to sleep for extended periods. That would probably pass a feline equivalent of a Turing Test already.

  15. lpopman

    @AC 00:53 GMT

    IBM are still big in processing. Most games consoles use IBM's PowerPC core, and the PS3 even uses PPC cell processing. Laboratories use cell processors for computational tasks too, because of the need for high speed and accurate results.

  16. Antony

    Thought persists through time

    Consciousness can not be time sliced through a CPU, thoughts that took place in the past have a bearing on thoughts that take place in the present. If this did not happen the brain would need to grow expediently to accommodate more advanced though processes. I believe these kind of through time anomalies have been observed in sub atomic particle physics.

    What comprises you is every thought you had from the moment you were born to the moment you die, all of which work together as a whole to give you conscious thought. Without that persistence through time all you have is lump of gray goo that is capable of very little.

    Can I have my award now for solving the mystery of conscious thought please?

    I guess not as philosophers will only accept that you are capable of having ideas if you reach level 3 in their club.

  17. Steve Swann


    I can haz $636865657A627572676168 now?

  18. Number6
    Big Brother

    Too difficult?

    They ought to practice on something simpler, such as simulating the brain of a NuLabour minister.

  19. Anonymous Coward

    IBM Management brain next?

    ...or was that last years project?

  20. Colin Millar

    Tells you something about intelligence:

    They make computers out of cats

    They can only make make soylent green out of people

  21. Captain DaFt

    @ Number 6

    They've already simulated the political brain (not just NuLabor)

    Ever heard of dev/null ?

  22. Anonymous Coward

    IBM has claimed more than just simulating a cat size cortex

    As if the original claim wasn't bad enough they went further and claimed (publicly @ :

    "IBM makes supercomputer significantly smarter than cat "

  23. Peter Mc Aulay

    PR fail

    To be fair, a cat's brain-sized NN does not constitute a cat's brain any more than a pile of bricks constitutes a house, or methaphors to that effect.

  24. Dylan Fahey
    Paris Hilton


    IBM: "All your catz are belong to us!"

    Because Paris purrs!

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