back to article Agincourt: The sensational truth

The news last week that a group of historians had calculated that Henry V's forces at Agincourt weren't actually outnumbered four to one by the French caused a certain amount of dismay here at Vulture Central. Well, we weren't going to take this highly suspect piece of revisionism lying down, and immediately set about re- …


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  1. Jonathan Smith

    Obviously True

    You have photographic evidence. That's more than can be said for these so-called "historians".

  2. Greg J Preece


    Thanks El Reg, that cheered me up on an otherwise completely shitty Monday. However:

    "Thousands of them."

    Surely you mean "Faaaasands of 'em" ?

  3. Rhys Briffett


    Saw it coming as soon as I read the title, but does that make it any less impressive? Does it fuck.

    Love you, Haines. With all my heart.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    effing brilliant...

    no really, just hilarious, thank you.

  5. Will Shaw

    Still not right....

    I'm fairly sure at least one pirate was involved.

  6. Mark Monaghan
    Thumb Up

    An everyday story of country folk

    Some of those French knights are fighting the battle twice - which is just the sort of underhanded, cowardly and despicable trick you'd expect from them.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh dear

    >The messengers have just hotfooted it to belatedly tell the king: "The sentries report Frenchies to the south west. Thousands of them."

    No doubt they would have won if they'd kept their eyes shut.

  8. Cliff

    That's exactly how it went

    Thanks El Reg for proving that it's always the winners who get to write the official version of history :-)

  9. Dave Harris


    You've outdone yourselves this time, and on a Monday too

  10. Anonymous Coward


    "nous ont asswhuppé. Merde"


  11. JetSetJim

    Historical accuracy

    Except the Frenchies were in the North, not the South West (although there were a small number of French peasants who nicked some of the Englishmen's luggage during the battle, and that was probably to the south-ish).,2.145424&sspn=0.017676,0.048537&ie=UTF8&hq=Bataille+d%27Azincourt&hnear=Battle+of+Agincourt,+62310+Azincourt,+France&ll=50.463624,2.141647&spn=0.017675,0.048537&z=15

    Not that I doubt the rest of your research, of course.

  12. TeeCee Gold badge

    Historical innacuracy.

    Very close. However, I have it on good authority* that the messenger you refer to was attached to the retinue of the Earl of Essex..

    That being so, he would actually have described the French Army as having: "Faaazinds ov 'em".

    I'm planning to write a paper to be publishing in a Historical Journal** to prove that there were far fewer "T"s and "H"s used at Agincourt than is generally assumed or recorded.


    **The Daily Telegraph

  13. Paul_Murphy

    Wow - so history is interesting after all..

    And there I was thinking it was boring, when all along all it needed was playmobile and rupert.

    So what about the baggage train and the Genoese crossbowmen? not to mention the french foot-soldiers... oh well, I'm sure they will al make their appearance at some point or another in this moving re-enactment.

    Tea break :-)

    And I suppose the surfeit of messengers is because of the messenger unions' struggle against modernisation, thus leading to outmoded duplication of effort and redundant personnel? or maybe the're just friends.


  14. Mark 62

    It's a trap!

    There's two of them!

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Who won??

    If we won, how come THEY get Calvados and we get Fosters??

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The upside?

    At least these lads aren't photoshopped to narrower-than-your-head hips and even narrower waist. They're now all out of a job on account of being dead all the same, though.

  17. Ted Treen

    Plus ça change?

    C'etait toujours comme ça pour les singes mangeurs de fromage de remise...

  18. Paul_Murphy

    Additional info

    Just found this helpful and TOTALLY* accurate source.

    * for a given value of totally

  19. Marvin the Martian
    Thumb Down

    "de le roi Henri"


    We few, we sorry few, we language botherers.

  20. Jay Castle

    Excusez-moi Madame,

    ...combien pour envoyer mon pamplemousse en Norvège?

  21. Steve X

    fromage de remise?

    Discounted cheese? Never, in the field of human conflict,...

    Seriously, though. Playmobil and fellating bats, and it's only Monday? You'd better come up with something spectacular for the rest of the week, or it's going to be a reallly loonng one...

  22. SKiNFreak

    Ou est Le Grand Pamplemousse?

    Dans le jardine!

  23. Dave Murray
    Thumb Up

    So how long before...

    some yank makes a comment about you nicking Band of Brothers. ;)

    Great re-enactment but I'm sure when I studied Agincourt in history Optimus Prime was involved in the background somewhere.

  24. Mark Fawcett

    Where is...

    Où est Optimus Prime?

    Shome mishtake, shurely?



  25. Gythwyn


    "Les anglais - une force formidable du roi Henri, avec quatre hommes et un petit chien diablolique - nous ont asswhuppé. Merde."

    Maybe I'm wrong, (its a common experience) but doesn't that say 4 men and a small evel dog?

    But theres 5 men..or do twins count as one person these days :D

  26. TeeCee Gold badge

    Re: Where is...

    Cette transformable robot d'assault "Optimus Prime" et dehors de shot au gauche en full embattlement de les Decepticons Francais, obviousment.

    Avec excuses au Kilometers Kingston.

  27. Svantevid
    Thumb Up

    @ Gythwyn

    "doesn't that say 4 men and a small evel dog?

    But theres 5 men"

    Yup... roi Henri *avec*quatre hommes... king plus four men. And the diabolic canine Rupert.

    Lester, you're a genius. "un petit chien diablolique - nous ont asswhuppé"... you had me in stitches.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bing, Bing,

    Bing went the Frenchies...

  29. Trevor 3

    this has been faked

    The 3rd guy to the right from the middle, on the front row, has had his axe "enlarged"

    See it? Yeah, I thought so too.

  30. Gythwyn


    That'd explain it then. :) only did 3 years of french. Id struggle to say my own name and where I lived now. :D

  31. Richard 102

    Obvious fake!

    Rupert wasn't a dalmatian! Would Dalmatia have been involved in this conflict, let alone supporting the British? I think not! Rupert was definitely a beagle, as proven by the many members of the French military being dispatched by "la Schnoz du Cold" on the codpiece.

  32. Neil Greatorex

    How long before

    We have a Hollywood "blockbuster" depicting the septics winning it?

  33. Womblewilly

    "Nous ont asswhuppé"

    "We have asswhupped".

    It should be "Nous avons été" you hanky waving rosbifs.

  34. Andy J

    Don't want to piss on your parade but...

    I have to doubt the historical accuracy of your report. Tea did not come to Europe until the seventeenth century, two hundred years after Agincourt so the English couldn't have been on a tea break. Based on past experience, I would say this story came from a press release issued by the Home Office to distract attention from the deranged drugs advisor story.

  35. Anonymous Coward


    Go back to your Bescherelle and relearn how to conjugate "etre".

    "Les anglais nous ont aswhuppé" = "the English asswhipped us"

  36. Charlie Clark Silver badge

    Au contraire @Andy J

    If only you'd studied your Asterix you'd know that we Brits didn't need tea* to invent tea breaks! We had them in Roman times.

    * Probably some kind of sino-indian conspiracy about the discovery of tea but we're magnanimous enough to overlook it. Can't be magnanimous where the French are involved, obviously.

  37. Stevie

    Hooray! Hooray for Our Side!

    This is quite simply the truest thing ever written in the history of the universe. Tears formed in my eyes as I contemplated that painstakingly recreated scene of French brown trousering. You, sir, should receive a Knighthood from a grateful Queen and a Nobel Prize for Telling It Like It Was.

  38. Maty

    Now that's settled ...

    Can we rename St Pancreas Agincourt Station to go with Waterloo, for our French chunnel passengers?

    Of course the French also lost Crecy, Potiers, Malaplaquet, the Battle of the Nile, Talavera, Salamanca, Ramilles, Sluys, Oudenarde, Trafalgar, Dettingen, the battle of Quebec, Louisberg and Warburg, but only because the British cheated.

    In return the French can name parts of Paris after battles where they thrashed the Brits. After all they won Lauffeldt, (1747) and got a draw at Fontenoy.

  39. Steve Roper
    Dead Vulture

    Definitely fake

    As in, not even real Playmobil. That's just a 3D rendering - the soft shadows on the foreground characters give it away, not to mention the fact that El Reg does not possess thousands of Playmobil figures (your budget wouldn't allow for the thousands of dollars required for such frivolity). If you're going to try to dupe your readership with such fakery, at least turn on Area Shadow and Radiosity for your final render; it takes longer but would fool a lot more people!

    So what 3D app did you use to create that picture, and who did the modelling?

  40. Svantevid

    @ Rickard 102

    "Rupert wasn't a dalmatian! Would Dalmatia have been involved in this conflict, let alone supporting the British?"

    Why not? We were on your side (and against the French) during the War of the Austrian Succession. If French wine industry was half as good in 15th century as it is today, you'd have a surplus of Dalmatian volunteers. And their dogs, obviously. :-)

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Shouldn't photoshopped pictures be marked as such?

    I think TheReg is blatantly showing how much it care for such rules. Many people would be fooled by this picture, notwithstanding the mistakes already pointed out, and the obvious fact that photography was still black & white back then.

  42. Norman Bowring
    Thumb Up

    Mais c'est magnifique!

    For once, the comments are worthy of the actual piece in question!

    However (isn't there always one?), I could only count one Longbowman and one Knight! Perhaps it's because the historic photo (which is delightful) is in colour but my vision, since I'm a Luddite at heart, is still in black and white!

    Thanks for such a good laugh so early in the week!

  43. Dave Bell

    Fermat's last Playmobil

    I have a wonderful proof of this information, but my margins are full of adverts.

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