back to article Upminster top for tupping on UK bonkmap

The most sexually obsessed town in the UK is officially Upminster, according to an important new interactive mapping survey. If you prefer to participate in quieter, less salacious weekend and after-hours activities, the wilds of Scotland, rural Gloucestershire and Oxfordshire might better suit your temperament. Upminster was …


This topic is closed for new posts.
  1. Hermes Conran

    It's probably,

    Just one person spending huge amounts and skewing the average. Now, who's the MP for Upminster I wonder, I think we should demand to see his expenses!

  2. scottboy


    Upminster. Bangor. These names can't be a coincidence.

    Aside - I remember an English lesson in the third form (Year 9 for the youngsters), when we were discussing "Under Milk Wood". Our teacher mentioned in passing that there was quite a bit of inbreeding on Anglesey before the Menai Bridge was built as, in his words, "people couldn't get across to Bangor very often." To this day I don't know if that was deliberate. Mr Johnson - if you're reading, please put me out of my misery.

  3. seanj
    Paris Hilton

    "Upminster was recently fingered"

    Just trying to work out if this was an intended pun or not... Knowing this particular publication, I would have to assume it was.....

    Paris, because, well, I'm sure her Upminster is well and truly fingered....

  4. John Ozimek


    Its the Northern Ireland one...not the Welsh one.

  5. James 5
    Paris Hilton

    This is a really good example of...

    .. non-research as discussed in Ben Goldacres' Bad Science!

    The information is "as a result of research put together by" - it's a couple of months before Christmas and just after the clocks have changed. It's launched into the ether hoping that media morons will pick it up and spread it without any critical analysis !

    No doubt it'll be splashed over the Sun, NoTW and others .....

    If this was really research it would be published in a relevant journal and subject to peer review !

    Paris - because she probably has a best friend in Upminster.....

  6. Chika
    Paris Hilton

    It figures...

    I live in Harold Hill (for non-locals, that's a few miles down the road)

    I always wondered what the noise was!

    The Paris angle? You have to ask?

  7. frank ly

    Bad Statistics

    I had a look at the map and it seems obvious that it is not normalised for population density - duh!

  8. John Ozimek


    Actually, frank, they claim they used census stats to get back to a sensible average.

    Yes: I agree that the map suggests something weird is going on in Upminster...and its probably data weirdness, rather than an actual aspect of the average Upminsterian's sexuality...but I'd still like to know.

    As someone who has done serious data analysis in the past, I would love to get my paws on this data and do some sort of geodemographic overlay. Yes...such analysis will throw up all manner of epiphenomena - such as the finding I made many years back of an association between reading Playboy and being an HSBC customer! - but might also reveal some interesting social stuff.

    As for the status of this is what it is. Its not really research: its just the data from the lovehoney accounting system matched to a couple of geo bases (including population counts) and overlaid with a slightly greasy text generator.

    It'll be quirky, as I bet they haven't taken the trouble to clean the data and examine outliers properly...but so long as you don't apply too much weight to it, its all just a bit of fun.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Mr Logic

    Mr Logic says this is bad science, the data does not support the inferences drawn from it, there is inadequate peer review, this is not the appropriate forum, etc, etc.

    Crawl back under your stone Mr Logic, humour and sex are not the sorts of things you should be attempting to understand.

    Otherwise, Reg, keep it coming !!!

  10. Craig 28

    Bad science, £6.25

    First this is not bloody science, it is *market* research. It is also made by a company which does not operate physical shops, so bear that in mind. It is publicity for them, and a bit of fun for the rest of us.

    As to £6.25 average, youfailto note with what frequency? It is like saying I spend an average of £5 on condoms for example. Is this monthly or annually?

    If the data was only taken from a short period, such as a month or two, then it is quite possible some particularly large purchases skewed this. Nowhere did it say what time period this was over however.

    On the whole though don't take it so seriously.

  11. RW
    Big Brother

    Just don't let Harriet Harman hear about this

    If you do, everyone living in an above-average town will automatically go onto some goddamned database, perhaps called "potential preverts". (The misspelling is deliberate.) I can just see the usual smarmy NuLabour PR gush about the government working to prevent sexual terrorism.

    It strikes me that what Britain needs, desperately, is a government that doesn't take itself so seriously. Bring back the Monster Raving Loony Party!

  12. James 55

    One promiscuous...

    ...slut lives there.

  13. Dennis

    Location, locaton, location

    Does Upminster count as Essex?

    If you laid all the Essex girls end-to-end no one would be surprised.

  14. Oninoshiko

    Re: Bad science, £6.25

    Did anyone else read that as "As to £6.25 average, youfailto note with what frequency? It is like saying I spend an average of £5 on condoms for example. Is this monthly or anally?"

    mine's the one with the glasses in the pocket...

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    But do they know what they are doing?

    Who needs Love Honey products? (Can I rant about Anne summers too while I am here??)

    You can turn anything into a pervert able, cooking paddles, pegs, scarf etc

    It is what you do that counts, not what kit you have!

    The best kit you can have is your hands!

    Although on a tech note, I would like someone to invent a Bluetooth controlled vibe so that you can tell your other half to use it and send a trigger via email :) Please don't tell me that there is one out there!?!?!?!

    Paris, because she has not brain, no kit and frankly no idea!

  16. Alan Esworthy
    IT Angle


    For the mathematico-physiologically inclined (*cough*), the optimum angle of IT is in the range of 105 to 120 degrees.

  17. John Ozimek

    Sorry, Faith, but...

    There are now a whole range of remotely controllable vibes out there...activatable off mobiles, pc's and even via second life im'ing.

    That's even before you stray into urban myth territory, switch your mobile to silent/vibrate on...and get your best friend to phone you at regular intervals during the day.

    The field is known as "teledildonics"...for obvious reasons.

  18. Anonymous Coward


    "The best kit you can have is your hands!"

    For heaven's sake don't neglect feet!

    And a duck. Trust me.

  19. _wtf_

    Rule 34 applies

    Faith, such a thing is made, although I don't know if it is actually Bluetooth or not. But certainly with a wireless remote control. However I gather such items do not always stay in place very well.

  20. Ian R

    Just a thought...

    Ok, I accept the publicity angle an' all. But has no one considered an inverse interpretation? Should the largest uptake (ooerr missus) of products indicate the location of the most deprived rather than most depraved of the populace? Perhaps the lowest score (eek!) represent the true seat (ouch!) of expertise, indulgence and satisfaction.

    (Batteries not included)

  21. Anonymous Coward

    Re: Bad science, £6.25

    Erm, if you read the article properly then it is inferred to be annually, since they mention that in Upminster the spend is "£62.40 per year for each and every adult" in the following sentance. Also, it has nothing to do with science, loose inferences have been drawn from statistical data rather than a full analytical study which could border on science - espcially if combined with a socio-demigraphic study etc.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Upminster: a 9 pint town

    Anyone who's actually visited Upminster (where the only accoutrements needed to pull are a ford fiesta and a nice fresh bag of chips) might well be saying "aaah yes" at these figures. I can only assume the sex aids in question are going to be used as a supplement to Mrs Palmer and her five lovely daughters, as the idea of any actual car-seat battering with an Upminsterian is a thought way to horrible to contemplate. Presumably a free supply of especially robust and opaque bags are supplied for any actually dumb enough to make the beast with two backs with their spouse/neighbour/the chip-guzzler they picked up in the local.

    It should be noted that "dogging" has a slightly different meaning in Upminster.

    Paris, cos she'd NEVER go to Upminster.

  23. Malcolm Boura 2

    Privacy breach

    Google map resolution 300m. So if you live in an area where houses are more than 300m apart then the purchasing household can be uniquely determined. MPs seem to like mansions and large gardens, very large gardens judging from some of the gardening bills, so perhaps their sexual pecadilloes can now be examined as well as their expenses.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    Thanks John...

    But do any of them work on rechargable batteries? most the ones I have tried, used etc have been button batteries!

    Paris because the batteries were not included...

This topic is closed for new posts.