back to article Yank slams El Reg 'zio-fruitcake' Playmobil 'crap'

It's with heavy hearts that we report this crisp autumnal Friday that our world-beating Playmobil coverage has not gone down too well in one corner of the good old US of A. Specifically, one Yank has objected somewhat to this shock exposé of what happens if you try to get through security at Heathrow's T5 wearing a …


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  1. Shaun 7


    10 Goto Satan

    20 Goto 10

  2. Trokair 1

    I apologize

    I apologize for my misguided countryman. Seems we have a disproportionately high number of crazy people in this country. To be fair it all started with Them That Came From Across The Pond With Buckles On Their Hats (see: Crazy Religious British People). Just went downhill from there I'm afraid.

  3. Lionel Baden


    no CAPS

    no foul language !!

    we have to try harder to piss people off

  4. spam 1
    Black Helicopters


    Perhaps a crazy redneck yankie doodle...

  5. Neil Barnes Silver badge


    What the hell is a Zio-fruitcake? Google is not helpful; only a handful of references and half of them are references to this story, the other half are blocked by the company firewall.

    Can't find anything on baking forums, either...

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    we were wondering what cakes to get today

    zio-fruitcakes - wonder if they have any left in the shop

  7. NB


    wtf is a 'zio'-fruitcake? it sounds delicious!

  8. Ian 11

    What the fuck

    Is a Zio fruitcake?

    Is Zio some American brand or something?

  9. DavCrav


    Right on! It's not as if Iran just admitted to having lots more nuclear...

    Oh wait.

    Never mind.

  10. Gulfie


    public class Satan { public Satan() { new Satan(); } }

    Apologies for the single line class; El Reg code formatter is buggered...

  11. dunncha

    Can I have a zio-fruitcake icon please

    That is one that i would really like to post!

    I've always wanted to be one of those

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters


    it only took him 16 months to come up with that.

    i think the zio = zionist. I bet everyone's fave tinfoil hat wearer, alex jones, uses it.

    actually I get it, the reg is part of the NWO. it all makes sense now.

  13. Gulfie

    Java - another one...

    public class Me { public void getTheeBehind() { new Me().getTheeBehind(); } }

  14. Anonymous Coward



  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Does it come...

    with sprinklings and a cherry on top? :)

  16. Anonymous Coward


    Zio-fruitcake? Easy to explain. It's a fruitcake that after being sold, yearns to go back to its shelf. Finally, it makes its escape and goes back to the baker's, alas, to find that the brownies have moved in to settle at its shelf. And so starts the conflict, still unresolved after many food fights and UN Security Council resolutions.

  17. TimBiller

    Only a small change needed

    C'mon people - change "zio" to "zion"

    Now it makes slightly more sense. A bit.


  18. arran

    zionist tea cakes

    I *think* its a half arsed attempt to call the reg zionists

  19. Winkypop Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    The clue

    Use of the word "satan" indicates a half-crazy relio-zio-zealot type.

    Stay well clear.

  20. David Adams

    I think it's a bit like this one

  21. jake Silver badge

    Clearly ...

    Clearly, Mr. Tom Lowe of Anytown, USA just doesn't get it.

    ElReg's ground breaking reporting of four months ago showed the entire WORLD where the WMDs were, and yet sadly the facts were ignored. It was obvious to all who observed the situation that the missing WMDs were actually temporarily housed in the UK, and being transported via an International Airline to a HoldingFacilitySomewhereElse by rogue baggage handlers. Where the WMDs actually wound up after NorthAtlantic security folks dropped the ball is anyone's guess.

    Me, I'll just sit here with a single malt, a slice of fruitcake and a bit of Wensleydale, and allow all the horror to wash over me until I burst into a fit of giggles.

  22. grandvizier


    According to Google, Zio is an Italian restaurant, so I'll have a large slice of that fruitcake purlease!

  23. Mountford D

    AManFromMars - where are you?

    Perhaps AManFromMars can translate this?

  24. AGirlFromVenus




  25. Anonymous Coward


    Would it be Kosher to eat Zio-fruitcakes?

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    More than that,

    you're also crypto-radishes and your mothers were nebulous firetrucks.

  27. Chronos

    Re: What the fuck

    Probably one of those new substitute foods made of the same tasteless crap (soya) they've been putting into bread to make it taste like cardboard. No GM ingredients, natch. Soya raisins does sort of make you wonder if there's anything they can't make the crap into, though. Oh, wait, tasty food. Of course...

    Edible grenade. It's made of soya protein. Follow the instructions in the alt tag.

  28. Steve the Cynic


    Round where I work (Villeneuve d'Ascq, near Lille), Zio is the name of a pizza/pasta eat-in/take-out restaurant. I guess that means that he's talking about pizza-flavoured fruitcake, or maybe fruitcake-flavoured pasta, neither of which sounds particularly appetising.

  29. The Indomitable Gall


    For all those who're wondering, I believe "zio-" is a reference to "zionist".

    However, it shows a poor grasp of logic. Zionists are militaristic/security-minded, and the reg hates militaristic security nightmare theatre.

  30. Anonymous Coward

    Norman Bates

    I bet he wrote that email whilst wearing one of his mum's nighties. I also bet he looks like "Farmer" from "The Cottage".

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Sounds like one of yer typical Yew Nine Ted Nayshuns/Black Helicopters/WTC conspiracy fearing heavily armed racist inbreds.. God bless America, these people are allowed to vote, no wonder there's no socialised healthcare, such a plague of religiousity and other nonsense. "Barking" seems to be a valid lifestyle choice.

    Still, look out, here come the Liberals, they're the dangerous ones here.

  32. Peter Storm


    Zio-fruitcake ~ may contain traces of Kashrut nuts

  33. Smallbrainfield


    I love fruitcakes. I wonder if Playmobil make one as an accessory? If not, perhaps you could rob one off the Sylvanian Families.

    Zionist fruitcakes are a special treat jewish boys get from their momma if they're good.

  34. jake Silver badge

    @Mountford D

    Only if you get the syntax right ;-)

  35. Tom Watson 1
    Gates Horns

    Tom Lowe - Further meditations

  36. Marvin the Martian


    No wonder about the italian resto --- zio means uncle (like tio in spanish)

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Zio-Prop sounds like the sort of thing

    they put in yoghurt to make your digestive transit easier

  38. sazoo

    @AC from 10:35

    "Does it come... with sprinklings and a cherry on top? :)"

    I want sprinkles!!

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    He'll be one of those swivel-eyed backwoods nutters, nervously polishing his arsenal and muttering about the "gubmint' conspiracy and how he got half his brain shot out in 'Nam to anyone who can manage to listen for 13 seconds before entering a persistent vegetative state. Don't think Obama, don't think "change", just think Dubya, God and the red bits between the left and right coasts, where all without webbed fingers and a thing for their sister abandon hope on entry.

    Satan rules, fruitcakes (non-zio) rule, red-staters FOAD.

  40. Adam Cann


    I guess he means Zionist Fruitcake? Which still doesn't make any more sense

  41. Secretgeek

    Zio-fruitcakes on special offer.

    They're 2 for 1 at Morrisons until Sunday when they're changing the offer to 33% off Islama-nutbars and Christi-fruitloops.

    Mine's the one with the religious intolerance shopping list in the pocket.

  42. YorkieDav

    Technology, eh?

    I didn't know you could get t'internet 30ft underground below a security compond 50 miles from nowhere in Montana.

  43. HFoster

    Must be

    Must be a trial patient for Clinical Humour Bypass surgery. A roaring success, by the look of things.

  44. mmiied


    was he not one of the bad guys in an animie?

  45. Nebulo

    @Marvin the Martian

    Thank you for the translation!

    So if Zio = Uncle, Zio Fruitcake = Uncle Fruitcake.

    Is he saying the Reg is related to Mr. Kipling, then?

  46. Annihilator

    Doesn't count!

    This clearly cannot qualify for a FoTW. One of the rules quite clearly states "Do not reread your flame". This douchebag has apparently been working on this for the best part of 4 months. Even with his remarkably lower-than-average IQ, I can't help but feel he probably reviewed it at least once.

    Without standards, there's nothing left!!

  47. Steen Hive


    Maybe the poor, misguided soul thinks the "WMD Tehran" was supposed to be *dropped* on Tehran, due to the likelihood of Zionists doing it? I dunno....

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down


    sounds like a guy who posted on a forum of mine.

    "i can sum evolution up in 3 words.

    Evolution is a lie"

  49. Gulfie
    Thumb Up

    Ahem, last one...

    public class Satan extends AnthropomorphicPersonification implements Beast, DestroyerOfWorlds, Antichrist { int getNumber() { return 666; } }

  50. Frumious Bandersnatch

    PlayMobil not "real news reportage"?

    I'm shocked. Thanks for clearing that up, Mr. Lowe.

  51. Stuart 14
    IT Angle

    Where’s the International Terrorism angle?

    Oh wait.

    Never mind.

  52. peyton?

    Odd ending... be careful

    This person seems to be in league, somehow, with the Prince of Darkness. I mean "go to Satan" would obviously be a suggestion to the reader. But "Go to, Satan" would be some sort of directive addressed to devil himself (along the lines of "Turn right, Ted" or "Fetch, Fido")

    I wonder where it is Tom Lowe is ordering Satan to go?

  53. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart


    WTF!!! Java!!!!, since it’s the 50th anniversary of COBOL







    10 WS-BEHIND-ME PIC X(5).




    Of course we could dispense with a programming language altogether and just code the JCL







  54. frank ly

    @mycho re. more than that

    "you're also crypto-radishes and your mothers were nebulous firetrucks."

    You leave my nebulous firetrucking mother out of this, ya hear me?!

  55. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @frank ly

    Stop being a batracho-phreno-boo-cosmo-aardvark and I'll leave your mom to the milktruck. Deal?

  56. Kevin Reader

    Why has no-one pointed this out...

    So many comments already an no-one has pointed out that a Zio-fruitcake *must* be made without being Leavened. Its an Unleavened fruitcake. It must be pretty thin dense stuff, the fruit equivalent of Kendle Mint Cake (which of course contains no cake!).

    The benefit must be that there are none of those traditional problems of the fruit sinking to the bottom, this zio-fruitcake only has bottom!

    That only leaves two things, 1. yes clearly a complete humour bypass, and 2. this comment came from America.... I'd have understood an Arabic name from (say) Persia but Tom from America. Either a mole has just blown their cover (and a gasket) or someone in America hates the Jews more than the Muslims. Wow...! Never expected that.

  57. Mark York 3 Silver badge

    neither of which sounds particularly appetising

    "neither of which sounds particularly appetising."

    I can just hear Peter Jones reading that sentence in a HHG entry.

    Talking of unappetising, since my arrival in Canada, I've read about these culinary delights.

    The Heinz Tomato Sauce & Soup Cakes

    I'll get me coat as there's no sick bucket icon.

  58. Richard 102


    The longer I live, the more other people seem like bit characters from The Goon Show.

  59. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    p1ss poor job of whinging

    On the other hand, the comments have been hilarious and I thank you one and all.

    If you like fruitcake, and many don't (so you're all excused from class); mine are all made from scratch and then wrapped and soaked in brandy. I had one that was 20 years old at one time.

    Playmobile. More Please!

  60. John McEchron


    Maybe this is the guy that killed a census worker in rural Kentucky and carved 'FED' in his chest? All you furriners remember, America can be a wonderful place to visit as long as you don't go too deep in the forest. If you find yourself somewhere without wi-fi (or heaven forbid GSM signal), keep your eyes peeled for Tim driving a rusted pickup with Trucknutz.

  61. Pete 8

    Close relations



  62. John Angelico

    @Anonymous Coward 18:43 GMT

    ..and where do you buy *your* scratch from?

  63. Badbob
    Thumb Up

    Mmmm, zio-fruitcake.

    Should go nicely with some zio-tea.

    "More Zio-fruitcake Rabbi?"

    Twit. Plus I love the "Go to, Satan" line, obviously a code-writer in his spare time.

  64. Dick Pountain

    'Fraid Not the last

    satan,me=666,1; [satan,me].reverse

  65. Anonymous Coward

    what about...

    power rangers zio?

  66. Mr Mark V Thomas

    Re: Zio

    To slightly mishear a certain infamously direly translated videogame intro scene...

    "All Your Playmobil Are Belong To Us...?".

    Mine's the coat with the Decepticons Soundwave, & Frenzy (currently disguised as a MP3 player) in the pocket...

  67. frank ly

    @mycho re. @frank ly

    I need time to work that one out.............

  68. Chika


    ?Syntax error



  69. night shift
    Paris Hilton

    I apologize

    I honestly must apologize for my fellow country man's attitude towards the mighty and all powerful El Reg. It must be said that not all of us gun toting hicks view you as the evil source of the future anti-christ.

    just the half that dont realize that there is a diferance between england and the UK.

    paris for she might be able to shag some sence into poor Tom...unless he thinks that she is a zio-fruitcake and decides to eat her in a way she wouldnt like.

  70. Estariel

    Welcome to heaven

    Thus the Register achieves journalistic nirvana, being anathematised by both (all?) sides of the debate.

    But wait......

    Perhaps we have been too hasty.

    Perhaps this mysterious injunction is actually a cipher of some kind.....perhaps....

    "GOP tycoon proliferates zealous taboo aura?! "

  71. John Smith 19 Gold badge


    And they say most of rural american can't get even 200kbs "Broadband."

    This 'ol boy must live at the *rich* end of the trailer park.

  72. cordwainer 1

    No no no

    To aid in clearing up the obvious cross-cultural confusion, please, allow me to interpret my fellow American's letter.

    First of all, you are making the assumption the writer is at least slightly sane. If one abandons this thesis (and would anyone not do so immediately?), it becomes clear Mr. Lowe is speaking to the Playmobil people themselves, not to the Reg. This realization should instantly make the missive more coherent. (He is correct, of course, that the Playmobils have nothing to do with real news reportage, but since they have never claimed to be anything more than a small, synopsized representation of an op-ed piece, this is an unnecessary point.)

    Zio is Italian for "uncle". In the US (perhaps also in the UK?) yelling "Uncle!" means to give up, so in this context "zio" means "cowardly."

    "You people are zio-fruitcakes..." therefore can be translated as the writer calling the Playmobil characters cowardly fruitcakes. Following the prevailing logic, we must take "fruitcakes" literally as well, meaning the writer is aware of the little-known fact that Playmobil toys are actually MADE of fruitcake. That is why they are practically indestructible.

    Note in the last paragraph the writer uses "ye" instead of "you." UK readers may not find this significant, since Great Britain is full of accents and dialects, many of which employ such usage. In the US, however, there is only one group that speaks this way: the Quakers (the Religious Society of Friends), known for their unwavering pacifism and their "silent meeting" worship services.

    So here we have a pacifist, who does not find weapons - particularly of mass destruction - funny (a "stupid joke" he says), who believes Playmobil characters can hear him, a man obviously driven mad by repression, forbidden by his religion to speak for interminable hours and then deprived of any cathartic outlet by the ban on violence. "All about zio-prop..." he says, achieving in his madness a triple pun: a Playmobil as a cowardly prop (on some level he obviously realizes they are inanimate), the WMD sign as cowardly propaganda, and the alternate more literal translation, Uncle prop, or Uncle Propaganda, which can only be a sly reference to Uncle Sam.

    His anger at the entire US and UK boiling over, he suddenly finds a solution that keeps him from personally violating his pacifist vow. "Of course!" he writes, unaware he has written out loud.

    "Go to, Satan."

    Understood properly, that final sentence has nothing to do with religion. Various commenters have assumed it is a reference to, "Get thee behind me, Satan," and I have greatly enjoyed the coding samples related thereto. But the true explanation is simple and consistent.

    Mr. Lowe's brain twists words and facts into new and different shapes, so we must assume he has not neglected his own name. Thomas Lowe can be rearranged to spell, "Lowe Hot Sam," and where else is it low, hot, and occupied by Sam - obviously a substitution word from the Pink Floyd song "Lucifer Sam"?

    Identifying himself covertly with the Prince of Darkness (a real no-no for a Quaker), and remembering an obscure song about a pet, Mr. Lowe abruptly lights on a means of destroying the enemy that does not require any violence on his part. But in his nealarmstrongian overexcitement, Mr. Lowe writes "Go to, Satan," accidentally omitting the word that would make sense of his command.

    "Go to it, Satan," is what he meant to write. If nothing else, he is a kind master. He may be employing his beloved pet to destroy the enemy by proxy...but a host of chewy fruitcake Playmobils makes a lovely treat for a Doberman Pinscher.

  73. pctechxp

    American humour

    Think his comments prove that a certain proportion of yanks have no idea what humour is.

    After all, how can you explain Friends?

    Crawl back under your stone my friend as you will never understand how side splittingly funny these reconstructions are.

    Mixing news with humour while winding up the staff by asking where the IT angle is constitutes the very essence of the site which is why I visit every day as it gives me a good laugh.

    Don't like ti? There are plenty of other sites to spend your time on so off you go.

    Keep up the stirling work Lester

  74. jake Silver badge

    @cordwainer 1 & @pctechxp

    ::bows to the master or mistress yclept[1] cordwainer 1::

    Awesome, dude or dudette. Much better than my poor attempt :-)

    pctechxp: I think you'll find that certain populations of most enclaves of humanity have no idea what humor is. It's a sad human condition, which should have been bred out of the species tens of centuries ago, given how daft sex is (when done right, that is ;-)

    [1] STR

  75. Chris 67
    Thumb Up

    @ cordwainer 1

    Intelligently thought out, insightful and hilarious.

    Truly one of the finest comments I've ever seen on The Reg.

    Bravo, Sir!

    *doffs cap*

  76. kain preacher


    Friends is plot to brain wash humor and intelligence out of the public. I'm sure there are some shows like that in UK .

    Ps this yank finds most America sitcoms in funny. Perhaps I don't have the magic smoke

  77. Budley.Sama

    @cordwainer 1 09:50 GMT

    You, my friend, have earned the esteemed position of american english to english english translator to educate us brits on some of the more unfathomable american minorities. Hence forth you shall be required to translate all the bizaare comments that the rest of us can't understand, keep up for the good work!

  78. Dayjo
    Thumb Down


    That's awful programming practice.

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