It has emerged that a fanatical al-Qaeda suicide terrorist attempted to kill a Saudi interior minister last month by concealing a bomb up his bottom (the terrorist's, not the minister's). The strategy backfired, so to speak, as the bum-bomber's own body muffled the deadly arse-blast and his target escaped with only minor …
I can't be the only person who's seen those videos that involve the disappearance and eventual reappearance of an entire 24" double ended "adult toy." I'm sure it simply takes some practice.
Build one of those out of plastic explosive and bob used to be your uncle.
Er, how did the prince get an injury to his hand??? Buttock 'course - Pictures at 11.
Oh, and about timers, isn't there some chemical that would explode in the vicinity of methane? Fart-detonator! If so, all Bradford curry-shops would be being CCTV'd by the plod. Not that they aren't, honest.
The guy must have been inspired by Syriana - a fittingly stupid Hollywood movie. Unfortunately for him al-Qaeda obviously did not have enough money for a UCAV-launched Hellfire missile monitored via a satellite link so he had to shove the bomb up his **s* instead.
See? Movies are indeed dangerous.
At last! A great new way for AQ to raise funds by selling art. "Yes sir, its a brave piece from the non-existentialist school, a real one-off in the style of Marc Quinn but with quite a lot more blood, and as you can plainly see, the artist has really put everything into this work. Absolutely everything."
This post has been deleted by its author
This is no laughing matter - you are missing the evil genius at work here!
Rather than kill a few of us infidels they have realised that they can inconvenience millions of us in one fell swoop by coming up with the most crazy, hair-brained schemes they can.
Exploding shoes... Now we all have to take our shoes off at airports.
Exploding cans of soft drink... Now we can't take a drink or some hair gel in our hand luggage.
This latest one is absolute evil genius though as obviously to combat this latest threat they are going to have to systematically search all our arses at Heathrow every time we travel.. And as they would need a lot more than 100mls of lube to search the collective orifices of the passengers of the world busiest airport... They'll have to do it without even that. :(
Fortunately, it looks like AQ missed the better delivery system. Smugglers have for years been using condoms to smuggle contraband via ingestion. Stories abound of smugglers using mules to swallow several kilos of drugs and the Russians are said to have used condoms to smuggle vodka into the Gulags at three lites per mule! I'm not sure they'd be able to keep it down overnight like the AQ bomber seems to have, but(t) surely that would allow a large enough charge if utilised with a rectally-mounted primer/detonator? The main charge being in the stomach would also reduce the amount of muffling between the bomber and the target. "Point paunch at target, clench buttocks..."
Funniest article and comments ever. Bravo. Thanks to AQ for another Black Adderesque episode that gave us so many "jokes about ze breaking ov ze vind". While a sound rebuttal of Saudi tyranny, it was an overly literal take on assassination. Maybe they ought to employ a consultant or two. Maybe someone from Belfast this time, not a CIA mole.
For once an article I agree with you on Lewis.
Smart people for the most part, aren't even religious. Smart people, most certainly aren't terrorists. Smart people without question, aren't suicide bombers.
There's a descending level of idiocy you have to descend through to reach each of those stages, starting with believing in god (which you don't have to be too stupid for to be fair) through to believing everything a self-labelled agent of god (priest, sheikh or whatever) tells you, through to being willing to randomly kill civilians to make a point because no one listens to your point otherwise because it's fucking stupid, to ultimately being willing to take your own life to try and better make a point that again, no one was listening to because it was a fucking stupid point.
This is why I'm not that scared of them, because whilst yes, their idiocy can cause quite a lot of mayhem, ultimately idiocy has limits, and it has a habit of wiping itself out in the face of the more intelligent of society. This is illustrated each time we hear about failed suicide bombings that only blew up the bomber which seems to happen quite often (see Glasgow airport attacks for some example lol material). Ultimately I find it amusing that you would go through possibly 20 odd years off line, spend all that time learning, put all that effort into training yourself only to be told by someone that if you go and blow yourself up amongst a bunch of civilians you'll get to sleep with a billion virgins or whatever- but then, when you actually do it, you end up only throwing your life away, to much amusement to many around the globe and ridicule and laughter from those you were aiming to harm. What a way to go!
"Smart people for the most part, aren't even religious" Ye. Your whole theory fell apart there.
If we start thinking like that we will be in trouble. Just because some people make stupid mistakes doesn’t mean terrorist are all dumb. Don't forget at least one of the people involved in the spate of car bombings using gas canisters was a Doctor.
Perhaps we wouldn’t have so many problems if people stopped looking down on others with different views, rather than trying to change there views. This goes for both the religious and non-religious.
Anyway, If you were smart you might realise the basis of the problem is not down to religious views but tribalism.
You, Sir, owe me a new keyboard, hahaha.
Thanks Lewis - appreciate the humour about the pyrotechnic invasion of the rectal cavity, makes a change from the cranial one.
As for preventive solutions: easy. It's the same solution as used for a persistent cough: a strong laxative..
In both cases you wouldn't *dare* coughing..
Mine's the one with the wet wipes..
Just because they're doctors, REALLY doesn't make them smart. Believe me, I have to spend time working with them.
Qualifications really are NOT grounds for marking intelligence. Just because one of these Dr's has got their own surgery, doesn't mean they're intellegent. Or even clinically safe in some conditions. I've spoken to many that are wonderful, they're specialised, but don't have a clue about most things outside their field of expertise, and then there are the ones that somehow haven't been sued for malpractice yet. But I digress..
The response I see alot about people's thoughs about most terrorists are comparable to a monkey with a gun. Sure, when it's somewhere else, it's a monkey with a gun. When it's near you, you're twitchy and you want it dead or elsewhere. Sure, it probably doesn't know what it's doing, and might not hit you. Wanna take that chance?
Not correct. That most A are not B does not imply that some B cannot be an instance of A.
There are many reasons to become a suicide bomber, and there is some reason to believe that what is driving some or many of 'em in the middle east is either brainwashing or despair. You think someone yelling "Insh' Allah" is automatically a religious zealot, but if you listen closer or beyond that, you find a lot of people in the middle east who: (a) want their despotic gov'ts gone; (b) want the big powers out of their oil fields and politics; (c) have no better idea how to achieve it that you or I would were we in their shoes.
Western military forces have traditionally used some species of Christian religious ceremonies - that never made them Christian zealots, did it?
Raise your game, AC, try to understand what is really also going on in the world.
Despite the dead on 9/11 and the dollar value of the destruction of the WTC buildings & damage to the Pentagon, those attacks were in comparison to the scale of the USA economy nothing more than pin pricks. Their effect was overwhelmingly political not economic, and it is very hard to believe bin Laden intended anything other than a political effect.
Indeed the WTC was long held by it's sheer size to have distorted the market for office space in Manhattan. It was not built in response to market demand, but rather to satisfy the egos of the people who ran the NYC port authority.
"pop your shoes on the conveyor please sir"
"thank you, now drop your kecks, touch your toes and brace yourself I am coming in"
"just rummaging for explosives now sir, dont worry, I am well insured if my hand gets blown off!"
"thank you , have a nice flight"
As you walk away like John Wayne.
Paris, make your own filthy anecdote up, she's probably done it
The Pierce Brosnan 1992 flick http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104743/ featured a liquid explosive that looked just like water but was triggered by contact with normal water including when people drank it. Now *that's* an internal explosive device!
All we need now is to have some polly fall asleep in front of the telly, wake up during a late-night rerun and think it''s a documentary and we'll have a total water ban in vulnerable public transport and buildings!
This is surely amusing - when you gotta go you gotta go...
However, it's not too much of a push, or a stretch, to imagine said bomber could crap out a real bomb pre-detonation and do some real harm. (If he could do it with a straight face that is!) Hi, I, hurrnnnnnnnnngg, resign...
Hell, a really ass-tute one might be able to devise a bend-over-aim-fire rocket system strong enough to escape the body's own built-in tractor beam system...
Perhaps the only real solution to this situation is mandatory butt-plugs with embedded RFID.
Imagine the sequence.....
Brain says click this switch.
Something goes fzzzzz in your chocolate channel.
Something goes boom in your fudge canal.
Meltdown occurs in the nether region.
Brain gets a signal along the lines of "get me outta here!".
Lots of excruciating pain. The heart is probably still pumping oxygen in the general direction of the brain (the heart being diametrically opposite the body trunk and protected by squidgy fat etc), keeping the brain alive for possibly a few seconds before the life support system goes offline.
No sir, there are different ways to kiss your @rse goodbye but this isn't the way I'd want to do it. Even if it were in the most physical sense possible (as your @rse would probably pass by your lips, so pucker up there....).
And Paris because I can't get cavities out of my mind.....
In fact, I think he missed a couple of tricks there to increase his payload. Hell, why not, it's not as though he'd have had any more use for 'em;)! Can I patent the concept of a bollock bomber? There has to be one some time and when there is, I've got 'em with prior art;)! That'll teach 'em!
He really ought to have role-played a few scenarios to help him surreptitiously orientate his bum bomb for maximum bummage. Here's one I prepared earlier:
Bummer: "Hey Prince, howyoudoing?"
Prince: "Cool my brother from another mother."
Bummer: "Hey Price, you know I can fart the entire Koran?"
Bummer: "No shit! Fo schizzle, ma princely nizzle. They called me al Petomane last time I rocked the Kasbah!"
Prince: "Hit me!"
al Petomane then has the perfect excuse to point his arse at the price and take his head off with his coccyx, or something. As for a detonator, how about the world's first suicide ferret? "Fire in the hold!"
BMAO! Blow my arse off, as if you hadn't guessed;).
Sadly, I fear that Alpha Tony may be right.
Shoe bomber = shoes must are removed during an airport security check
liquid bomber = liquids are restricted on flights
body cavity bomber = white latex glove time?
I'm just waiting for the first person to be detained without trial by DHS for refusing to submit to a body cavity search by airport staff. I'm betting that they will be a young Asian man with a foreign accent. It's no joke. The ACLU is probably already preparing a defense fund in anticipation.
Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2022