back to article Minister attacks drunken topless lovelies with tangler-bazooka

Everyone's favourite knockabout security minister, Admiral Lord West of Spithead, has stunned the nation today by unveiling a net-flinging entanglement "bazooka" which he considers suitable for use on "topless lovelies" who "have had too much to drink". No, really. Listeners to the BBC's Today programme this morning had the …


This topic is closed for new posts.
  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    ...have they got thinking up these things

    >adapted to lob a length of specially tangly rope

    Sounds like an idea Baldrick would have only he would tie one end of the specially tangly ropey type stuff to a turnip and use that to throw it in front of the boat.

  2. Anonymous Coward

    Terrorists? Erm, they have real guns sometimes

    Saw this on the news this morning, staggeringly proposed as an "anti-terror" weapon.

    Erm, the terrorists would have shot the Police boat out of the water using conventional weapons LONG before getting in range to fire that thing.

    Sad - just another pork barrel project to invent something to annoy legitimate boat users when they go 0.5MPH over the speed limit on a river.

  3. Christian Gerzner

    What if?

    It's a jet ski type boat?

  4. Disco-Legend-Zeke

    Henderson (Nevada) Police just shoot to kill

    They just settled a $25M lawsuit (for $700K) for shooting a little old lady with a butter knife.

    Similar Las Vegas area killings have involved similarly under-armed individuals. One i seem to recall with a tinfoil wrapped sandwich.

    I have long lamented the absence of net flinging kit to safely and humanely incapacitate knife and bludgeon wielding individuals.

  5. Jacqui

    jet boats or any cowled impellers


  6. SW

    Jet Boats...!

    Would this work on 'Jet Boats', their water intakes are normally grilled/meshed to stop detritus screwing up the impellers.

    Fail, as it obviously would.

  7. Anonymous Coward

    What a tangled web we weave...

    Is this going to be for public release? I'd love to snare some topless lovelies with this contraption! All part of the sport of getting a new girlfriend..


    Need a Neanderthal icon!

  8. alain williams Silver badge

    Today's enemies ...

    if that is what today's enemies are envisaged to be, then it might be worth signing up and hoping for a bit of hand to hand combat ...

  9. Kevin Campbell


    but only if the "bunch of topless lovelies... having had too much to drink" are stopped for the purposes of offering them still more drink in exchange for lapdances.

    On this side of the pond, such drunken lovelies are most likely riding JetSkis or similar "personal watercraft." I know the article states "that new versions are forthcoming which are able to stop pump-jet/waterjet boats, as well as those with ordinary propellors." However, given that the waterjet's impeller is enshrouded and the underside of such a vessel pretty smooth, I think the "new version" is going to have to be pretty darned different in design.

  10. TimBiller
    Thumb Up

    This story needs ...




  11. h 6
    IT Angle

    How so?

    How are there not any comments on this story? Are the Brits on holiday?

  12. Brazilian Joe

    What about non-lethal threat simulation?

    Seriously, I am apalled by the lack of variety on the threat simulation video.

    I expected to see the topless lovelies (at least 3, 5 or more preferably) riding a boat, preferably sporting Bulgarian Airbags for maximum test safety. All in the name of science, really.

    Brazilian Joe

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What about jetboats?

  14. Anonymous Coward


    The George Cross immediately for this man, just for saying that.

  15. Langalf

    Uh huh, ...

    and what good is this on a water jet speedboat?

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Works great against a prop..

    .. but what about a pump-jet propulsion system?

  17. Richard 102

    Just a hunch ...

    ... but five will get you ten that Bill Clinton will order one if it does capture those topless lovelies.

    Mine's the one with the human humidor.

  18. richard 7

    Erm, they dont actually HAVE a boat do they?

    I'm trying to think how jet boats will be affected, considering the effort put into them to make sure just this doesnt happen. Certainly the unit on my creation features not only a grille to stop fished, flotsam/jetsam and small children being sucked in. But I suspect the 40 odd bhp pumped to a very small, very fast moving impeller will mash most things that get sucked in.

    As for props, well, you see, this sort of thing happened a few times before

    Well thousands of times before. which is why various devices from sharpened props to special rope cutters are available to stop just this happening when you hit a mooring line.

    Are they going to do a sail version?

  19. Anonymous Coward



  20. Anonymous John

    Playmobil recontruction,

    or it didn't/won't happen.

  21. Luther Blissett

    Completely surreal

    What goes in this chap's mind? This is (il)logic that Shakespeare entertained countless audiences with.

    His title is "Spithead", which invites ambiguity between noun and verb, and proper name and description. Then he confuses bazookas with, ermm, well, bazookas, which is two synecdoches nested in an analogy. And he concludes by assimilating these two sets of figures of speech into a metonymy. Hence, the thing to do is ejaculate nets over incoming over the speeding incoming little devils. Just like a prophylactic. QED. And bollocks.

    I'm at a loss why, if tanks are protected against MHD driven shaped-charge devices by hanging nets off them, ships cannot be protected as simply against rather simpler physics.

  22. Anonymous Coward

    What if these catch on?

    No well-dressed pirate will leave shore without one... perfect for stop' n rob the floating gin palaces.

  23. Anonymous Coward

    But will it stop me, in my ...

    ... "Junior Birdman" Jet-Powered Rocket Pants?

  24. Steve Evans

    Tangle in the propellor...

    So completely useless against a jet boat, or jetski then.

    If I were a crazy terrorist, a jetski would def be high on my list... Fast, manoeuvrable, very shallow draft for an escape up a small river... That's assuming I want to escape and haven't just blown all my limbs to the points of the compass of course.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Boat borne terrorists evade new entanglement device...

    by using boats powered by IMPELLERS

    basic f*cking engineering what a load of retarded tosh...

  26. TheRealRoland


    Title says it all :-)

  27. Long John Brass

    So whats next...

    Terrorist in sail boats?

  28. tuna 1
    Paris Hilton

    That Bastard Should Be Shot With His Bazooka!

    Who would dare to attack drunken topless lovelies? I mean, sure, I'd give em a good bit of manhandling, but the only bazooka involved would be anatomical.

    Other than that, sounds like a good idea. Nothing stops a boat faster than line on the drive shaft. Excepting terra firma, anyway.

    Paris...drunken... topless... lovely.

  29. sun_god

    A wholly moronic idea

    Ah yes, let's see, let's leave it to a non-nautical type to devise a device for use on boats, shall we?

    First of all, fouling a propeller of a powered boat in motion isn't only stupid, it's brilliantly dangerous. Why? Well gosh-golly Mr. Genius Boffin, when you foul the propeller and it can't turn, that has the effect of tearing the living Shiite and Sunni holiness out of the little thingy attached to it - I believe it's called an "engine". So, blow the engine, and if it's near fuel - which engines typically are located close to fuel, and there's a risk of this little thing called "fire". And as any nautical type knows, fire on boats is not a Good Thing (TM).

    So, "Boffins Burn Boat To Keel With Super-Bazooka, All On Board Burn In Fiery Death" will be the headline. Way to go, science! Keep up the boffo work.

  30. Brian 6

    Read the Article...

    To all the what about jet skis etc........and I quote "The Reg understands that new versions are forthcoming which are able to stop pump-jet/waterjet boats, as well as those with ordinary propellors." Read the article BEFORE u comment ........

  31. Jeffrey Nonken

    ooh, nice

    Let's see... a former boss owned an Arneson, basically a jet engine-driven screw on a catamaran hull. My wife and I got a ride in it once; we were cruising at 120 MPH (193 KPH if I did that right) and the rooster tail was, oh... hell, there's a picture (though not of us) here: We went from one end of Folsom Lake to the other in two minutes flat.

    OK, now. Toss your tangled web over that and get it caught in the screw. One of two things is likely to happen:

    1) The freakin' jet engine -- and I am not exaggerating, the whine was killer even with the ear protection -- will laugh like hell at your pretentious pathetic attempt and shred it like cheese.

    2) Your net is tougher than hell and it actually stops the screw. All that torque has to go somewhere. Let's see. Hmm. In my mind's eye I see... the engine turns one way, the back end of the boat turns the other, the hull shatters, the passengers and various parts of the boat go flying in various directions (but still with a rather impressive horizontal vector in the original direction). I can practically guarantee no survivors and the corpses may not even arrive in one piece each. Any nearby boats will be in great danger. I don't want to predict any Hollywood-style explosions but what happens when several gallons of kerosene get tossed on the water with that screaming hot engine that's still trying to come apart. ... Unless it's already come apart, dumping burning fuel and shrapnel.

    I'm sure glad this is non-lethal, hmm? Let's talk "unintended consequences" here.

  32. Allan George Dyer
    Paris Hilton

    Visit Spithead

    Spithead is an area of sea in the Solent, off Gilkicker Point in Gosport. Oddly, I've never heard the name used in a play on words, unlike the Friar Tuck pub, which used to be in downtown Gosport.

    @Brazilian Joe: Damn you, you've used all Seascorpion's bandwidth so I can't see the videos.

  33. Jeff Deacon

    @ How so? By h 6 Posted Friday 14th August 2009 16:52 GMT

    "How are there not any comments on this story? Are the Brits on holiday?"

    Of course not. At that time on a Friday afternoon, the editorial staff were all having a "Forward Planning Meeting" in the public bar of the "Admiral Nelson", or was it the "Painted Parrot".

  34. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    TitanIQ Moves in Virtual Political Field.

    "Is this going to be for public release? I'd love to snare some topless lovelies with this contraption! All part of the sport of getting a new girlfriend.." ... By Anonymous Coward Posted Friday 14th August 2009 16:13 GMT

    IT would make a Killing in the AIMarket to Offer such Magic in a Mentored Time Share/Sweet Sticky Snare of a Honey Trap, for CyberIntelAIgently Designed LOVERS ..... in Live Operational Virtual Environment.

    And MeThinks that is the Source Essence and Driver Fuel for All Really Compatible Computer Controlled Operating Systems/SCADAModels. And QuITe Perfect for AI CodeXSSXXXX MultiPlexing ...... for Virtualised TelePortation and Introduction of Immaculately Resourced Assets from Unified Virtual Forces.

    A Little something XXXXtra ESPecial which Stormont leaders are sitting uncomfortably upon, perplexed and dumbfounded and/or unadvised and program ignorant.

    It is disappointing to think that a Newly Created Administrative Body should meekly follow an Old Discredited Administrative Model whenever there is the Opportunity to do Anything and Everything New.

    And that is Privileged Information for the Masses to Further Share/Disseminate?

  35. Flakey

    Not quite joined-up thinking

    There is a flaw in the "topless lovelies " idea.....the Olympic games are being held in the UK in summer,so its gonne be pissin down in rain, maybe they will be "pac-a-mac lovelies"?

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @A wholly moronic idea

    Most prop drives are designed with a shearable shaft or key and will simply lose their props should they become hopelessly entangled.

  37. Graham 25

    Of course its a good idea ... even if the solution isn't

    The US have been working on a similar device based on a land based capture system used extensively in Iraq and Afganistan, called XNet. If XNet can stop a five ton truck quickly, I'm sure they will come up with a working solution. (Its not 'Stinger. btw as that relies upon bursting tyres slowly - Xnet snarls up the axle and does not wholly puncture the tyres.)

    The version I heard about was a circular catch net launcher which envelops the boat and is anchored to the firing location - a bit like using a butterfly net - so as long as the pursuit boat us heavier and or more powerful it can grab the pursued boat and slow it down.

    Trust us Brits to design our own daft non-working solution while the USA pays a British company to come up with a working alternative.

  38. Anonymous Coward

    @Henderson (Nevada) Police just shoot to kill

    >" They just settled a $25M lawsuit (for $700K) for shooting a little old lady with a butter knife. "

    How on earth do you shoot someone with a butter knife?

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    What shall we do with a drunken topless lovely

    What shall we do with a drunken topless lovely

    What shall we do with a drunken topless lovely

    Early in the morning

    Paris would know.

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    re: Completely surreal

    Here's a nomination for Comment of the Week, as well as Champion of the English Language.

  41. Anonymous Coward

    re: A wholly moronic idea

    What's the problem with a little fire? You've got all that water around. Just punch a hole in the bottom of the boat, wait for the fire to go out, patch the hole, and pump out any excess water.

    /the one with the inflatable lifevest, please...

  42. Anonymous Coward


    They make boats in such a way that an engine seize causes fire and doom? That seems kind of unlikely, given that it's a problem the land lubbers had licked a good hundred years ago...

  43. Steve X


    And when the terrorists just use minisubs?

    This sounds rather like a boffin coming up with amazing new armour to allow a man on horseback to survive an impact from a lance. Clever, but so what...

    Maybe we should just avoid starting wars that don't concern us?

  44. Jacqui Smith's DVD Collection!

    Yes Playmobil

    We need to see a recreation of this! :D

  45. Anonymous Coward

    Similar on the Grand Union canal 20 years ago:

    We found a similar idea on the North London arm of the Grand Union canal 20 years ago - this was before it was all gentrified - we caught a pram on the prop. Lots of ropes/strings/straps to cut off - which meant someone had to go in the "water".

  46. Sandtreader

    re: GU canal

    Indeed, old car tyres are particularly good, we found. I somehow managed to reverse into one on the River Cam many moons ago. The prop engaged itself perfectly into the tyre but of course would not disengage itself going forward since the tyre was still free to spin. Result: hands in freezing water (this was winter) for 4 hours trying to cut through the steel reinforcing bands with a mini hacksaw...

    So here's a much simpler solution, which also includes an element of recycling and hence will be eligible for Carbon Credits. Take all the old car tyres lying around in the back of ATS et al. and tie them all in a wide arc around whatever it is you're trying to protect, like an reverse purse-seine. If you use a mixture of tyre sizes - kids bike up to tractor - there will probably be one that fits the prop of the attacking vessel. Then you just have to persuade the attacker to come over the line at the right place and then immediately reverse engines. This part is left for a future funding claim.

  47. 4a$$Monkey

    Topless terrorist avoid being shot at!

    AL Qaeda training camps are going to be sooo much better :P

  48. 2FishInATank

    I wish to register a complaint!

    Where are the drunken topless lovelies I was promised?

    I've checked my coat and they're not in there.....

  49. Anonymous Coward

    Apart from all the abovementioned flaws...

    .. I find it remarkable that the baddies just keep 'full steam ahead' after the net has been cast. I personally would do a swerve or even a U-turn.

    And yes I know what that would involve (I have a powerboat cert.).

  50. Shadowfirebird


    Looks to be about 20 meters. Not terribly useful as yet.

  51. Munchausen's proxy

    I, for one

    Welcome our jubbly-bothering toff boffin overlords.

    And would like to party with them.

  52. Anonymous Coward

    I can see it now

    They deploy something like this during the olympics and the net overturns the boat and drowns a bunch to the "lovies" right in front of a world-wide audience. Oh yeah. That'll take a gold medal for sure.

  53. SW

    @ Brian6

    If I recall correctly there was no mention of 'future developments' otherwise I and many others I'm sure would not have made our comments.

  54. Anonymous Coward

    A serires of trials?

    Any idea if tickets are available? Beats a wet t-shirt competition by miles...

    Mines the grubby mac with the binoculars in the pocket.

This topic is closed for new posts.

Other stories you might like