Minister attacks drunken topless lovelies with tangler-bazooka Everyone's favourite knockabout security minister, Admiral Lord West of Spithead, has stunned the nation today by unveiling a net-flinging entanglement "bazooka" which he considers suitable for use on "topless lovelies" who "have had too much to drink". No, really. Listeners to the BBC's Today programme this morning had the …
Saw this on the news this morning, staggeringly proposed as an "anti-terror" weapon.
Erm, the terrorists would have shot the Police boat out of the water using conventional weapons LONG before getting in range to fire that thing.
Sad - just another pork barrel project to invent something to annoy legitimate boat users when they go 0.5MPH over the speed limit on a river.
They just settled a $25M lawsuit (for $700K) for shooting a little old lady with a butter knife.
Similar Las Vegas area killings have involved similarly under-armed individuals. One i seem to recall with a tinfoil wrapped sandwich.
I have long lamented the absence of net flinging kit to safely and humanely incapacitate knife and bludgeon wielding individuals.
but only if the "bunch of topless lovelies... having had too much to drink" are stopped for the purposes of offering them still more drink in exchange for lapdances.
On this side of the pond, such drunken lovelies are most likely riding JetSkis or similar "personal watercraft." I know the article states "that new versions are forthcoming which are able to stop pump-jet/waterjet boats, as well as those with ordinary propellors." However, given that the waterjet's impeller is enshrouded and the underside of such a vessel pretty smooth, I think the "new version" is going to have to be pretty darned different in design.
Seriously, I am apalled by the lack of variety on the threat simulation video.
I expected to see the topless lovelies (at least 3, 5 or more preferably) riding a boat, preferably sporting Bulgarian Airbags for maximum test safety. All in the name of science, really.
Brazilian Joe
I'm trying to think how jet boats will be affected, considering the effort put into them to make sure just this doesnt happen. Certainly the unit on my creation features not only a grille to stop fished, flotsam/jetsam and small children being sucked in. But I suspect the 40 odd bhp pumped to a very small, very fast moving impeller will mash most things that get sucked in.
As for props, well, you see, this sort of thing happened a few times before
Well thousands of times before. which is why various devices from sharpened props to special rope cutters are available to stop just this happening when you hit a mooring line.
Are they going to do a sail version?
What goes in this chap's mind? This is (il)logic that Shakespeare entertained countless audiences with.
His title is "Spithead", which invites ambiguity between noun and verb, and proper name and description. Then he confuses bazookas with, ermm, well, bazookas, which is two synecdoches nested in an analogy. And he concludes by assimilating these two sets of figures of speech into a metonymy. Hence, the thing to do is ejaculate nets over incoming over the speeding incoming little devils. Just like a prophylactic. QED. And bollocks.
I'm at a loss why, if tanks are protected against MHD driven shaped-charge devices by hanging nets off them, ships cannot be protected as simply against rather simpler physics.
So completely useless against a jet boat, or jetski then.
If I were a crazy terrorist, a jetski would def be high on my list... Fast, manoeuvrable, very shallow draft for an escape up a small river... That's assuming I want to escape and haven't just blown all my limbs to the points of the compass of course.
Who would dare to attack drunken topless lovelies? I mean, sure, I'd give em a good bit of manhandling, but the only bazooka involved would be anatomical.
Other than that, sounds like a good idea. Nothing stops a boat faster than line on the drive shaft. Excepting terra firma, anyway.
Paris...drunken... topless... lovely.
Ah yes, let's see, let's leave it to a non-nautical type to devise a device for use on boats, shall we?
First of all, fouling a propeller of a powered boat in motion isn't only stupid, it's brilliantly dangerous. Why? Well gosh-golly Mr. Genius Boffin, when you foul the propeller and it can't turn, that has the effect of tearing the living Shiite and Sunni holiness out of the little thingy attached to it - I believe it's called an "engine". So, blow the engine, and if it's near fuel - which engines typically are located close to fuel, and there's a risk of this little thing called "fire". And as any nautical type knows, fire on boats is not a Good Thing (TM).
So, "Boffins Burn Boat To Keel With Super-Bazooka, All On Board Burn In Fiery Death" will be the headline. Way to go, science! Keep up the boffo work.
Let's see... a former boss owned an Arneson, basically a jet engine-driven screw on a catamaran hull. My wife and I got a ride in it once; we were cruising at 120 MPH (193 KPH if I did that right) and the rooster tail was, oh... hell, there's a picture (though not of us) here: http://gallery.nonken.net/jeff_misc/9507_G We went from one end of Folsom Lake to the other in two minutes flat.
OK, now. Toss your tangled web over that and get it caught in the screw. One of two things is likely to happen:
1) The freakin' jet engine -- and I am not exaggerating, the whine was killer even with the ear protection -- will laugh like hell at your pretentious pathetic attempt and shred it like cheese.
2) Your net is tougher than hell and it actually stops the screw. All that torque has to go somewhere. Let's see. Hmm. In my mind's eye I see... the engine turns one way, the back end of the boat turns the other, the hull shatters, the passengers and various parts of the boat go flying in various directions (but still with a rather impressive horizontal vector in the original direction). I can practically guarantee no survivors and the corpses may not even arrive in one piece each. Any nearby boats will be in great danger. I don't want to predict any Hollywood-style explosions but what happens when several gallons of kerosene get tossed on the water with that screaming hot engine that's still trying to come apart. ... Unless it's already come apart, dumping burning fuel and shrapnel.
I'm sure glad this is non-lethal, hmm? Let's talk "unintended consequences" here.
Spithead is an area of sea in the Solent, off Gilkicker Point in Gosport. Oddly, I've never heard the name used in a play on words, unlike the Friar Tuck pub, which used to be in downtown Gosport.
@Brazilian Joe: Damn you, you've used all Seascorpion's bandwidth so I can't see the videos.
"How are there not any comments on this story? Are the Brits on holiday?"
Of course not. At that time on a Friday afternoon, the editorial staff were all having a "Forward Planning Meeting" in the public bar of the "Admiral Nelson", or was it the "Painted Parrot".
"Is this going to be for public release? I'd love to snare some topless lovelies with this contraption! All part of the sport of getting a new girlfriend.." ... By Anonymous Coward Posted Friday 14th August 2009 16:13 GMT
IT would make a Killing in the AIMarket to Offer such Magic in a Mentored Time Share/Sweet Sticky Snare of a Honey Trap, for CyberIntelAIgently Designed LOVERS ..... in Live Operational Virtual Environment.
And MeThinks that is the Source Essence and Driver Fuel for All Really Compatible Computer Controlled Operating Systems/SCADAModels. And QuITe Perfect for AI CodeXSSXXXX MultiPlexing ...... for Virtualised TelePortation and Introduction of Immaculately Resourced Assets from Unified Virtual Forces.
A Little something XXXXtra ESPecial which Stormont leaders are sitting uncomfortably upon, perplexed and dumbfounded and/or unadvised and program ignorant.
It is disappointing to think that a Newly Created Administrative Body should meekly follow an Old Discredited Administrative Model whenever there is the Opportunity to do Anything and Everything New.
And that is Privileged Information for the Masses to Further Share/Disseminate?
The US have been working on a similar device based on a land based capture system used extensively in Iraq and Afganistan, called XNet. If XNet can stop a five ton truck quickly, I'm sure they will come up with a working solution. (Its not 'Stinger. btw as that relies upon bursting tyres slowly - Xnet snarls up the axle and does not wholly puncture the tyres.)
The version I heard about was a circular catch net launcher which envelops the boat and is anchored to the firing location - a bit like using a butterfly net - so as long as the pursuit boat us heavier and or more powerful it can grab the pursued boat and slow it down.
Trust us Brits to design our own daft non-working solution while the USA pays a British company to come up with a working alternative.
Indeed, old car tyres are particularly good, we found. I somehow managed to reverse into one on the River Cam many moons ago. The prop engaged itself perfectly into the tyre but of course would not disengage itself going forward since the tyre was still free to spin. Result: hands in freezing water (this was winter) for 4 hours trying to cut through the steel reinforcing bands with a mini hacksaw...
So here's a much simpler solution, which also includes an element of recycling and hence will be eligible for Carbon Credits. Take all the old car tyres lying around in the back of ATS et al. and tie them all in a wide arc around whatever it is you're trying to protect, like an reverse purse-seine. If you use a mixture of tyre sizes - kids bike up to tractor - there will probably be one that fits the prop of the attacking vessel. Then you just have to persuade the attacker to come over the line at the right place and then immediately reverse engines. This part is left for a future funding claim.
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