back to article Whining serial commentard bemoans Reg bullying

It appears serial Reg poster Aaron Kempf doesn't much like the taste of his own bitter medicine, and has written to "request that you do not harrass [sic] me online". It was a crisp October morn last year when Kempf savagely laid into Reg hack Chris "Fucking pansy" Williams with a couple of unholy turdspurts about this piece …


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  1. Craig 12

    Aaron Kempf

    Am I still allowed to harass Aaron Kempf online? I think we need a database here to keep track of what people can and cannot do to Aaron Kempf.

  2. Anonymous Coward


    Never heard of this Mein Kampf fella.

  3. Anonymous Coward

    Aw leave the poor boy alone

    Too bad. I guess jokes about Palin's database would be out of line here? No???? OK!

    Q: How do you tell that Sarah Palin has filled her intellectual database?

    A: She quits working.

    Oh the hand grenade is for the winey b#$%$.

  4. Anonymous Coward


    He's off to a good start with multiple bangs and the f-word, and the paranoia and ethnic slurs look quite flamy.

    But the quality of the flame quickly drops off after that. Where are the ALL CAPS, spleling eros, etc.? This smut is not worth more than, oh, 3 flames out of 6. And that's me being generous. He needs quite a bit of training before he can count himself one of the truly great flamers of today.

  5. Anonymous Coward

    Unholy turdspurt

    If Aaron Kempf loves databases so much why doesn't he go live there?

  6. K
    Thumb Up

    el-reg = el-kitty??

    Meow.. get those claws into him.. nice :)

  7. Grease Monkey Silver badge

    Typical Troll-tard

    So it amounts to "I can say what I want about anybody but nobody can say anything bad about me."

    Fucking pansy. What's he afraid of?

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I think we should start a Kampf database

    We can track his moves across the interspazz and use it to warn other users.

    Of course, as he's not scared of databases he won't mind at all that every time he pops up on a website 50 Reg commentards start to bombard him with messages...

  9. Miek

    A Title is Required Here

    "No wonder you guys are no longer a super-power. Super-Powers aren't scared of a fucking database."

    El Reg still has Super Powers if you ask me ;)

  10. Matt Bryant Silver badge

    RE: Aaron Kempf

    ".....what people can and cannot do to Aaron Kempf." By the looks of things, some people have already been committing mucho, mucho abusive acts on Mr Kempf.

  11. DZ-Jay

    I'm not scared of databases...

    Unless it's used to keep in velociraptors.


  12. Tom 94

    This guy...

    ...makes me laugh - what a complete goon!! Aaron, if you're reading this, get a life, and stop being a gomper - seriously, you're just making yourself sound like a complete and utter tool!

    Aaron = FAIL!

  13. Admiral Grace Hopper


    I, for one, will be unable to forget about Aaron, he springs to mind every time I fiddle with one of those death-dealing databases, That's the only problem with the intertubes, it all too readily turns an eejit like Kempf into a deathless meme.

  14. Anonymous Coward

    You can harass me if you like

    It would validate my otherwise pathetic existence.

  15. dunncha

    Who the *uck is Aaron Kempf

    enough said!

    Shouty Shouty because the empty can makes the most noise

  16. deadlockvictim

    Databases can be very scary

    I don't know. I've seen some monsters in my time - DBs designed to reflect the previous flat-file system with one table per flatfile and all columns in text (now probably unicode to allow for Chinese names of cows or some such thing). To top it off it was forbidden to make any structural changes because it would make front-end app would cry. New indexes were also, for some reason, not allowed.

    Then being asked to make the datawarehouse-esque query run with as little impact on the DB-server as possible.

    I would like to officially end this thread by noting the similarity of the aforementioned flamer with the title of a work by a mister A. Hitler from 1925.

  17. Steven 33


    That is all.

  18. RichyS


    I, for one, have added Kempf to my database of f*ckwitts...

  19. Z 1

    Bloody idiot

    Give him what for, Lester!

  20. Anonymous Coward

    hee hee

    what's he worried about? Surely he has nothing to hide, after all it's only a bit of text in a database displayed on a pc....<Grin>

  21. Anonymous Coward

    Online Harressment

    By his own fair hand it looks like Aaron admits to doing a bit of Harrassment himself.

    From The Reg comments


    "re: Yes, you can be arreseted for threatening to kill people #

    By Aaron Kempf Posted Friday 1st August 2008 14:40 GMT

    I know that you _CAN_ be arrested for threatening people.

    I just think that it is consistently overplayed.

    I got arrested for threatening someone on UseNet last summer.

    I think that it's the biggest scam ever.

    To think-- that some dude would take this fruitcake seriously-- is beyond belief"


  22. Geoff Mackenzie

    I'm not going to harass him

    but I have put him in my database. Shouldn't be a problem, though, eh? I'm not a Muslim.

  23. Anonymous Coward

    contact deets

    If the answer to Craig 12's question is "yes", can we have contact deets? I have some pent-up frustration and 4chan is down >.<

  24. Rob Moss
    Black Helicopters


    I've just been having a little look on Google for "Aaron Kempf" and, it must be said, the results are hilarious. Aaron, you can't have it both ways mate, if you're going to abuse people, expect to get some abuse in return.

    I hereby request that El Reg continues to harass Aaron Kempf online as much as possible. Preferably with a massive database. Run away, Aaron! The databases are coming! The databases are coming!

  25. imposter

    mein kempf?

    I'm not sure a public response to a public statement, in a way that he'd only find if he went to the public place is harassment.

    Clearly he's a figure of riducule not ire and while a more mature (I said more, not outright, though I'm sure we all wind people up for a laugh occasionally) troll would accept their fate, when banned or turned round most trolls whine. He's just trying, pathetically to turn it into the reg being the big bully, when he's clearly just upset it went wrong.

    I found the last article on him losing it veryamusing.

  26. Richard Hebert

    beer time

    Really .. his foul mouth needs a good squirt of toilet cleaner and brush.

    We should be allowed to harass him online till his Mother tells us he's learned

    his lesson. Meanwhile .. im going for a few cold ones.


  27. Jacqui Smith's DVD Collection!

    Can we not start a tracking site?

    You know for the databases to keep track of him...

    The following are available...

  28. Anonymous Coward

    See that little box up there?

    The one marked 'Post anonymously'?

    Anonymous means that people won't know your name; you can write what you want without fear of reprisals or online harassment.

    You'd have to be a complete moron to use your own name when viciously flaming people.

    That or a total Kempf-head.

    FAIL. For the obvious reasons.

  29. Mark Wills


    "I'd rather have a woman than a Muslim"

    Ergo, there are no female Muslims. LMFAO.

  30. Scott Mckenzie

    Now then...

    ...about Webster Phreaky and his Kool Aid.

  31. ed2020


    This little knobstretch is a regular poster in a number of usenet groups and other forums that I frequent. Generally he posts the same abusive response, slightly reworded, to anyone who expresses an opinion that does not agree with his own.

    He's an idiot who loves to get a reaction and is best just ignored.

  32. Andy Enderby 1
    Thumb Up

    big tool

    I think Mr Grease Monkey has it about right. Mr Kempf is found guilty of massive toolness.

  33. Miek

    More Title Loveliness

    Just Google Him, he's a complete knob :

  34. Anonymous Coward


    Fear of Databases ?

    What about a Database of Fears ?

    According to AK, I guess El Reg has something I will christen (and trademark - you have been warned) "essqueuellophobia".

    Pints all round for the Reg crew. Mine's a bitter.

  35. Ian 11

    What do you expect?

    Not encountered his posts before, but judging by this article he's an American and a Republican.

    In other words, he's the worst kind of idiot.

  36. Edward Noad

    He Never Said...

    ...not to harass him offline, but then he does seem to have his own definition for the word "harrass".

    Let's get that database up and running, preferably using distributed open-source community-supported cloudware, then use it to capture, user-tag and geo-locate everything he ever does so a world-wide community, connected using viral marketeering, can share the workload (via aggregated Twitter, Podcasts and Wikiforums) to universally "HarRass" him, simultaneously incentivizing the maintenance of optimum efficiency and thus generating the smallest carbon footprint possible to deliver a dynamic example of just how green an integrated harassment mashup policy can be using Internetworked HarRassment 2.0.


    Oh god, I think I just threw up.

  37. DirkGently


    Incident Report

    Priority: 1 (affecting all users)

    Subject: Getting spurious errors

    Cause: Database is kempfed

  38. Gareth.

    The Fucktard of the Year Award Goes to..... Aaron Kempf

    Hehehe, Aaron Kempf is an anagram of Prank Me Oaf..... from his comments, he sounds like a fucking stupid oaf. The most stupider of stupid oafs on the interweb, quite possibly.

    I think El Reg should start selling Aaron Kempf t-shirts, proclaiming, "the Databases are Coming, the Databases are Coming!!!" or "Databases Never Hurt Nobody" (does that double-negative mean that they did hurt somebody if they didn't 'hurt nobody'...?).

    This time next year, Rodney, we'll be millionaires!

  39. Adam Salisbury

    He won't be happy...

    I get the impression he'll go away once his precious databases come in the inflatable, wide mouthed and astonished looking variety!

    I wanna harrass him all over interwebs to the point at which he stontaenously combusts because with all those flames...

    Mine's the one with "Medical Treatments For Acute SQL Posioning" in the pocket

  40. Anonymous Coward

    Looks like a angry fellow...

    After a google search seems like a very angry fellow ...looks like one too:

  41. Anonymous Coward

    On Aaron Kempf

    Anyone who thinks that he can spout the garbage he's spewed needs a lesson, and repeatedly. Nothing Kempf has said so far has sounded anything like an apology, or even the recognition that's he's capable of acting like a halfway decent human being.

    Reap what you sow indeed. Try putting something nice into the world and see what you get back, sir.

  42. Number6

    The Problem is Obvious

    A quick run through some of the Google hits and it's obvious. He's running a corrupt[*] version of SQL server and it's fried his brain. Perhaps he should switch to MySQL?

    He certainly has an interesting view on the world and it's kept me entertained this Friday lunchtime.

    [*] is this word redundant?

  43. Anonymous Coward

    He's already on a database.

    Just google the fuktard and you'll see his general attitude is that of a trolltard.

    Most of his answers are basically that of just calling someone names rather than an actual debate or exchange of information (any bets he's a foxnews viewer?)

    And most of his answers are that of someone who's been educated via the back of a cerial box.

    Anyway I hope El Reg continues to post any response's from people like this, as they tend to be cowards who only carry on in this way if they think they have some sort of support but will usually go away crying if someone stands up to them - as case in point.

  44. The Dorset Rambler

    Thank you, thank you, thank you

    It's Friday, I've got my father's day Ska cd's on full blast, and you give me this.


  45. Rob

    Don't be too harsh on him

    We don't want him to disappear from the web otherwise the rest of us wouldn't have someone to bait and tease when we're bored.

    I for one can't stand cruelty to animals so when a turdtard like this appears it's obviously for the rest of our amusement, you've got to give some people a purpose otherwise they are a drain on humanity by not contributing anything, he falls nicely into this category.

  46. Dr. Mouse

    Godwin's Law in action

    And only 5 comments in. Impressive!

    "I would like to officially end this thread by noting the similarity of the aforementioned flamer with the title of a work by a mister A. Hitler from 1925."

    Back on topic, Mr. Kempf: If you can't take it, don't give it!

    I will add my request to the others for his contact details, so we can further extract the urine without clogging up el Reg's database.... I mean comments section.

  47. Anonymous Coward

    Oh dear...

    Clearly his commentardedness isn't confined to just the reg...

    This guy actually has a job?

  48. northern monkey

    Favourite Rant

    Of the rants I've found so far the one below contains an utter gem from Aaron, and one I find very tempting:



    I wonder if he's managed to find another job yet after his little '10mbit router issue'

    Given employers preference for a quick google I doubt anyone would take the risk!!

  49. david 63
    Thumb Up

    AC 10:48

    LinkedIn - nuff said?

  50. Another Anonymous Coward 1


    Thanks to this article... if I ever want to get my name in a headline I now know exactly what to do. ;)

  51. Dave Errington

    Re: Looks like a angry fellow...

    according to the linked page...

    Aaron Kempf’s Education


    MCITP , Database Administrator SQL 2005 , 2001 — 2009

    as far as i can tell from this, he was studying SQL 2005 in... 2001.

    the man's a genius!

  52. Linbox

    RE: Gag me with a spoon

    An example of valspeak as made famous by Moon Unit Zappa on Daddy's hit single 'Valley Girl'.

    It's, like, grody to the max.

  53. Andy Watt

    He loves IE? Nuff said!!!

    From CNET -


    IE is the most powerful browser in the world.. I don't know how you can possibly say that it is lagging.

    It is the most popular browser in the world-- any web designer that doesn't like it-- should stop trying to change the world and start dealing with it.

    I personally hate Firefox and Chrome ten times more than you 'poor college students' dislike IE.

    Does Chrome or Firefox currently support rich client-side applications?

    IE has, and they have for about 15 years now (ActiveX and now Smart Clients .NET forms)


    OooOOooOo! 10 times more!!! Nyah nyah my dad is better than your dad! And so on.

    As an aside - we really should encourage him to keep posting - as Rob (I think) said above, who else could you have so much fun baiting?

    He's amazingly rude for a man who works with databases all day. I thought they were all quiet, unassuming people. Then again, he is currently working for a property company, so I guess the arsehole estate agent vibe is keeping him nicely tooled (sic) up.

  54. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle


    ... the f*ck's Sarah Palin?

  55. Winkypop Silver badge

    Hey Kempfy

    Get a dog up ya!

  56. Paul 4

    Why can people not

    have the good maners to rant in comments about them. I read to whole thing and not one reply from the mentalist. Waste. Of. Time. Good thing its a Friday then.

  57. Ed Blackshaw Silver badge

    Godwin's Law in 5!

    Unfortunately, all later comments are now rendered null and void, including this one...

  58. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Godwin's Law in action

    Hint: Follow the second link in the comment below yours. If you believe it to be the same person, the style does seem to give that impression, and you feel it's a genuine email address then you've found what you want.

  59. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    @northern monkey

    Great find.

    Somehow I think there could be plenty of folks who wish AK "had a hub in a peculiar place.. "

  60. Anonymous Coward


    No wonder he's such a fan of databases; he's a fucking DBA! Work-promoting troll scum!

    Anon. Just in case Aaron's lurking about.

  61. David Webb

    Is it wrong?

    Is it wrong that we are now stalking this guy over the internet? (thereby making the allegation from our ex-girlfriends correct?)

    Is it wrong that A Man From Mars makes more sense than this buffoon?

    is it wrong that El Reg let the Moderatrix out of her dungeon for a while?

    Is it wrong that the condom broke, so this guys nickname is "Oh shit!"

  62. Anonymous Coward

    Typical Ameritard Neocon

    So, Mein Kempf loves databases but doesn't like being tracked. One rule for the ruling elite, one rule for everyone else, all soaked in generous servings of corruption. No wonder Sarah Palin is his role model - for all we know, he dresses up like her in private before condemning the very same behaviour in public. Hypocrisy certainly is one thing the average neocon does very well indeed.

  63. Daniel 1

    Re: This guy actually has a job?

    Yes. I believe he's the same one as works (or worked) for Ashok Chandra, in fact.

  64. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    More of the same.

    Aaron seems much like most people I meet really. Too concerned with their own tiny little view of the world and how hard done by they are to see that we're all in the same boat. Yet another reason to get the hell off this planet.

  65. John Bayly

    Could be him on LinkedIn

    This guy's a DBA, and our "Whining serial commentard" sure does seem to like his databases.

  66. Anonymous Coward


    Re: The best elegant solution to override 65k rows limit in a sheet

    yep here i am

    Excel is for babies

    use a database.

    i reccommend MDB for newbies; and ADP for poeple with decent SQL skillz


    Obviouzly. Using a "zee" instead of an S makes you sound so much more cool!

    If I was his employer. He would be sacked straight away.

  67. ElNumbre

    The Global Village...

    In the Global Village, we all get to meet the Window Lickers....

    Best to ignore, lest we become another row on the DATABASE OF DOOOOOOOOOOM.

  68. This post has been deleted by its author

  69. Mike Moyle

    @ BKB

    Re: Go live there

    "Maybe Aaron has Asperger's Syndrome or something."

    Sounds more like Tourette's, to me.

  70. Paul RND*1000

    Scary databases

    Databases can be really, really scary. You should see the pure evil I crafted in one particular module, with a sort of hybrid Coldfusion-cum-MySQL-cum-trigonometry-101 mess of tangled spaghetti code, joined tables and a distance calculation which converts on the fly between miles and kilometers. Every time I see that code a little piece of my soul shrivels up and dies.

    Hell, I've heard that even the Great Old Ones tremble in the face of it's hideousness.

    As for Kempf, he's obviously just another whack-job neocontard who probably bangs on endlessly about freedom but doesn't like it when people exercise their freedom to disagree with his nutty ideals. Sorry sunshine, but freedom is for everyone which means you're free to be an insulting little twat and we're all free to mercilessly take the piss out of you for it. :)

  71. g e


    Saucer of Milk for Miss Kempf, please

  72. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Sounds like a right twatdangle to me.

  73. Mike Powers

    A fucking database?

    That's Craigslist, isn't it?

  74. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I would think databases would be something this guy would be against. Afterall, there's a secret-MUSLIM in power now!!! he'll be able to use those databases against the true Americans!

  75. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    @Online Harressment


    "re: Yes, you can be arreseted for threatening to kill people #

    By Aaron Kempf Posted Friday 1st August 2008 14:40 GMT

    I know that you _CAN_ be arrested for threatening people.

    I just think that it is consistently overplayed.

    I got arrested for threatening someone on UseNet last summer.

    I think that it's the biggest scam ever.

    To think-- that some dude would take this fruitcake seriously-- is beyond belief"


    Well now, on Alt.Conspiracy there was an individual named Benjamin Cramer, with numerous variations so it may not be a real name I suppose. He had numerous thoughts about the bad press the Nazi's had received and some very rigidly formed thoughts about pretty much everything. His defining feature was that the Jews were behind everything. Then he disappeared and stories began to appear telling of how he had been arrested. I wondered what had become of him since those heady days. Aaron (Aryan) Kempf (Kampf) has a very similar prose style and vocabulary and similar opinions, and apparently similar experiences. It looks as if he has been reduced (or elevated?) to ranting on tech sites now. Fantastic! Welcome Benjie!

  76. david 63


    ...Aaron, you must have found this thread by now...chuck some fuel on the fire.

    Or are you sulking in your bedroom drooling over your MSCD books.

  77. Mein Kempf Gold badge


    Limey pussies - if I was Fidel Castro you'd all be up against the wall and shot. Then pissed on.

    What's the matter - ooooooh. the databases are coming to get you? If it wasn't for people like me, you'd be speaking German, you fail pussies.

  78. Maestro
    Paris Hilton


    Actually fought in the war did you?

    A more poignant expression would be "If it wasn't for people like me you'd have no one to point and laugh at."

    Paris, because she likes a nice big Database

  79. John Smith 19 Gold badge

    Old usenet advice

    Do not feed the troll.

    That is all.

  80. J 3

    Too good to be true...

    Is this guy real, or a pretend troll? Poe's law!

    And also, how many Aaron Kempfs are there out there? I don't mean real ones, but fellow trolls having some fun with the name. There's someone with the handle "Mein Kempf" here, is that the same person or someone making fun? Something else? What's for diner?

  81. Anonymous Coward

    think he forgot to take his tablets

    as a female, muslim DBA (who thinks Sarah Palin is kinda hot) I hope he goes for a nice lie down somewhere until his meds are working properly again

  82. John A Blackley

    Y'all just had to

    Aaron Kempf is what happens when you teach a right-wingnut Republican how to use the intertubes.

    And you lot had to feed his ego.

    Well done.

  83. James O'Brien

    Some more from good ol' Aaron

    Great reads from his comments. I mean seriously funny stuff.

    Love the "I rode the bus today" reply. Though I kind of wish he threw short in there as well.

  84. Steven Walker


    In the good old day Aaron would not even had made it to flame of the week.

  85. Eddy Ito


    Here I figured this guy was 20 at best but his LinkedIn profile says he got a H.S. diploma in 1993. Come to find out he claims to have studied little but MS databases since. Now it makes sense that so many of his posts reflect a love of databases and VB... no really... VB. Why I bet he wrote a whole database engine in VB to replace Jet and it was probably fas', fas' like bullet.

    Ok, we need another icon. Either "LOL" "ROFL" "HFH" or something like that.

  86. Kanhef

    @AC 11:05

    Remember, the Moderatrix still knows who you are.

    <- a heart for her, because I'd love to be added to her database.

    n.b. the 'good' database please, not the 'stalkers' one.

  87. Lupus


    Sounds like a prick.

  88. lardheppus

    Flush him

    Trolls are like goldfish. You overfeed them till they float belly up, then you flush them.

  89. Connor

    Historical Knowledge Lacking

    Why are Americans so poor at history? I swear if I had a pound for every time an American said the words "We saved your asses, twice!" I'd be a billionaire.

    1. USA declared war on Germany on 6th April 1917, USA troops starting fighting in the summer of 1918. By which time the war was already won thanks to the British Naval Blockade.

    2. The US declared war on Japan and Germany on 8th December 1941 - over a year after the Battle of Britain and months after the German invasion of Russia, as well as after the indefinite postponement of Operation Sea lion and also after Hitler had offered a ceasefire to Britain and a peace deal, which Churchill refused.

    3. US air forces began fighting the Germans several days after El Alamein, ground troops didn't face the Germans until months later.

    If anything American involvement hastened the end of WWII, it didn't win it outright, the tide had already turned. Britain was quite safe enough after September 1940 even without help.

    Although to be fair, the post war baby boom has a lot to do with the Americans! Also, didn't anyone notice the name Aaron Kempf sounds a lot like Aryan and Kampf? Hmmm.

  90. James 55


    Start here:

    It is amusing reading them, it does make me sad though thinking that there are actually people who think like him

  91. Mr Young


    Please stop - I'm beginning to get a sore jaw now, classic!

  92. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    nice myspace username


    fits doesn't it?

  93. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @AC Asks

    "Who... ... the f*ck's Sarah Palin?"

    She's the one from Monthy Python who went on to do travel programs, got stuck west of Canada, thought "I could run this place" and then couldn't.

    I'm posting anonymously to avoid the ire of Me Prank Oaf (damn, the Anagram-Lock Key got stuck on again)

  94. Keith T
    Jobs Horns

    How about a Aaron Kempf contest?

    There could be prizes for hardest put-down, best tracking, and most personal details.

    Probably a lot could be learned about him, where he lives and works, from his posts and IP addresses.

  95. Anonymous Coward

    Never found a good rhyme for pwned before now

    "There was a young database admin,

    Who looked somewhat like Peter Griffin,

    He flamed and he moaned,

    but finally got pwned,

    when he put all his details on LinkedIn."

  96. StillNoCouch


    He's the second comment on the post ....


    by Aaron Kempf June 9, 2009 3:52 PM PDT

    "kev, you're too paranoid kid, lay off the crackpipe-- nobody is out to get you!"


  97. buxtonmarauder

    Thanks El Reg.. just wasted 40 mins of my time !

    I couldn't resist doing a little googling on the subject in question and WHAMMO.. 40 mins have passed..

    I'm off now to spend more time writing pointless queries and procedures against what is obviously the most usless DB software available.. Would love to see AK and LJE in an MTV style Celebrity Wrestle..

    Oh, and if you want to waste some more time, check out these threads on here.. he really doesn't do friendly !

    (techy avatar because AK most obviously is not)

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