Hollywood prepares to battle Asteroids Universal Studios is preparing to bring Atari video game Asteroids to the big screen, despite the fact that the classic offers "no story line or fancy world-building mythology", as the Hollywood Reporter puts it. Screen grab of the original Asteroids The studio, lacking the kind of supplied narrative which made Lara Croft: …
>It will, wait for it, "create a plot from scratch" - stop that crazy talk since between 'The Last Starfighter' and 'Impact' Hollywood has more than enough source material to draw on.
Also like the idea of the bizarre Wii fit accident - I suspect you are a Spinal Tap fan Lester.
pew pew, rotate, thrust.
Whereas for PH it's 'thrust, thrust' then 'pew, pew'
ttfn
...and its sequel, Ms Pac-Man. Then, of course, the summer release of Space Invaders, Galaxian and Dig Dug rounding off with the multi-award winning, 3-movie saga of Lunar Lander.
Paris, 'cause of her groundbreaking dramatic work in The Hottie and the Nottie.
Almost as bizarre as ASCAP bending people over for their ringtones.
But not quite...
I like your plotline. Could we also add human-unfriendly aliens, who, once the hoomans save one of their few remaining hive ships from asteroidal collision befriend humanity, setting aside their differences, in a 'Why can't we all just get along' and 'World Peace' type subtextual parable for the world to ingest?
(Ingest then promptly vomit...)
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I can see it and it works. Completely wrong however. Wrong on every possible level.
What next, a plot about Tetris and menacing blocks that once arranged in a line explode devastating cities.
Or terrorists threaten the world with mine sweeper???????
Holly wood has gone nuts.
"Missile launched sir, the impending menace of the asteroid will soon be gone!"
...
*BOOM!* (or the equivalent of a missile hitting an asteroid in space)
"Ohmigosh, the asteroid split up into smaller asteroids, we're doomed!!!"
*panning view of lots of very scared military faces*
rounding off with the multi-award winning, 3-movie saga of Lunar Lander.
Lets hope they use the proper lunder lander program that just had a text read out of thruster setting, speed and height.
"Thats one small slip on the thruster key, one giant hole in the moon"
Hollywood wonders why piracy is so high! Does anyone in Hollywood have a) any originality anymore b) any balls to take a chance on a new idea?
Tell you what how about these?
Horace Goes Skiing - Brad Pitt plays the plucky little fluff-ball trying to errm, well ski I suppose!
Ant Attack - Brad Pitt plays the plucky hero trying to avoid, well the ants attacking I suppose!
Roland on The Ropes - Jude Law beefs up in his role as the plucky rope climbing hero.
Lunar Jetman - Val Kilmer ( he'll be in a space suit so we won't have to look at his face! ) comes out of retirement to play the plucky hero destined to bounce across the moon surface!
Look on the bright side.....at least there won't be a plot for Hollywood to ruin.....
Michael Bay is the perfect choice for it, as we can go to the cinema, be wowed by the special effects for 30 seconds and spend the next 110 minutes or so wondering what we could have got for our money if we hadn't wasted it on going to see one of his films.
DigDug - (Already done as Tremors?)
Bubble Bobble
Mr Do (this would be a classic)
Centipede/Millpede
Star Wars.....Oh, has that one already been done? Bet the film isn't as good as the game
Dragons Lair/Space Ace. Not too much work needed there I guess.
Phoenix
Defender (with the best opening musical note of any game)
Ah, the joys of proper games....thank god for Mame.
Does anyone else here think that El Reg and El Regers could Seed a Series of Movies with an IT Base of Allied XXXXSScripts.
And when a Thought Shared is Supported, is IT Squared rather than Doubled and thus is Exponential Growth the Natural Norm of even the Simplest of IT Programs, putting them very soon way out in Front ....... and Leading Everything.
Wanna Play AI Beta Great Game, El Reg, .....with the Banks Footing the Bill/Funding ITs Projects?
Which is a Perfectly Crazy Offer Ideally Suited to a Boozy Friday Afternoon at the Bar Office....... and when one Considers the Number of Inventions which have been Born of Liquid Alcoholic Refreshment, it would be no Stealthy Surprise to Many or Any, should IT be a BlockBuster MegaMetaData Success.
One could even Tempt Paris and the Hilton Chain Gang into the Plot and IT ...... for Businesses are always looking to Diversify and Hedge their Bets.
"Roland on The Ropes - Jude Law beefs up in his role as the plucky rope climbing hero."
-Surely that would be a horror/slasher movie, what with the killer bats, followed by ghosts and later vampires. Come to think of it, it shouldn't have Jude Law - it should be Wesley 'Duane Dibley' Snipes...
I want to commission you to write a script for Pong. Should be more interesting then Asteroids the Movie.
We could have Tom Hanks as one of the paddles after his stunning table tennis playing in Forrest Gump, get good ol' Armie to be the other one for the obligiatory "I'll be back" when he loses and setup a sequel. Pong the Return.....
Please tell me this isnt serious, because if so I'm going to sign myself into a looney bin.
Why bother with Asteroids, there's a whole galaxy (or 8) of adventures just floating around.
Or, for a more updated, open-source version, try OOLITE. There's even some brilliant fanfic based on Oolite out there that beats The Dark Wheel any day of the week...
Dammit, where's my coat with the fuzzy, slimy frogs and Alterian Poets in the pockets, and "Hoot if you love Trumbles" on the back?
"Please tell me this isnt serious, because if so I'm going to sign myself into a looney bin." ... By James O'Brien Posted Friday 3rd July 2009 16:50 GMT
James,
I can only speak for myself of course, and am always serious, and it is as well to realise that there are always a lot more outside than inside the looney bin, so you may feel right at home, and be much more comfortable, here.
I wonder how many Shrinks/Opinionated Professional Listeners? find Time to Play in this Registered Space?
I'm waiting for the Cards Trilogy to be made.
Solitaire - The Quest to do 3 Card Turnover.
Hearts - The Queen of Spades' Revenge.
Freecell and the Trapped Ace of Frustration.
Spider Solitaire and the Suits of Doom.
Yeah, I know a trilogy is 3 films, but when has that ever stopped Hollywood?
Mr Bear,
That was very Mornington Crescent of you. And there everyone is, imagining IT stops Hollywood dead in her curvaceous tracks.
For the Love of a Good Gamey XSSXXXXual Script keeps Hollywood always as a Cowboy Outfit, hitting on the Punters for More with Less though ....... and that no longer computes? Certainly Arnie "I'll be Back" could do with a new Magical Mystery Formula to keep the Lights on in the Sunshine State. Something Hot to steal the Harry Limelight from Washington DC and Wall Street Hacks and Hackers/Code Crackers.
<quote>Plus the horrendous problems of how to handle the physics of "circular space"</quote>
Physics 101:
Actually folks, the "Asteroid" universe is toroidal (i.e. doughnut-shaped): You can move from the top to the bottom (screen folds into a tube) and from side to side (tube joins up to make a "doughnut").
x2311 and x6574 had been friends ever since failing to coalesce into one of Jupiters moons four billion years ago. Errant orbital trajectories had sent them spinning out into the oort cloud where they had discovered their shared love of solar wind. x6574 had gone walkabout some years previously but been destroyed by Earth when it sailed too close to the blue eyed monster. x2311 was out for revenge, its planned orbital trajectory was to slingshot it round Saturn, tearing it into a thousand smaller pieces headed directly for Earth.
As acclaimed poet asteroid x8352 had once said, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold.'
Robotron 2084 has ALL the ingredients for a fantastic Sci-Fi movie:
Killer robots, humans needing to be saved, and a genetically enhanced superhero.
FUCK ASTEROIDS!!!
Mind you, I remember playing asteroids in Aviemore ice rink 20+ years ago, the game creeped me out for some reason....
Get Sean signed up. He's the real grandad of asteroid films. Oh wait, that was Meteor though (which was daft anyway as the film was about an Asteroid whereas Meteors are much smaller).
But anyway, Asteroids has been done. See the Asteroid Field scene in Empire Strikes Back. No one can top that (especially with the John Williams score).
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