Coming up next...
...advice that you shouldn't hammer nails into your kneecaps.
A medic at Lister Hospital in Stevenage, Hertfordshire, has advised men against attempting DIY circumcision with nail clippers, after a young man who'd decided this was the best way to go roundhead was admitted for emergency treatment. Staff disinfected the unnamed victim's wound, and he was dispatched to an observation ward …
How many snips exactly did this guy inflict on himself to complete the job... Assuming he did actually complete it?
I could possibly understand it being a good idea after about 20 pints, but surely the first "snip" of the nail scissors would have resulted in a rapid return to reality!
Paris, cos she treats her members more gently.
There is just no way that I can conceive of any situation where this would seem like a good idea. Even totally ratarsed and completely out of my tree it would appear as a less than cunning plan.
This bloke is clearly either barking mad or on a serious cocktail of reality altering pharmaceuticals.
There isn't enough alcohol in the world to get me to do something like this! Surely you should black out before self-circumcision seems like a good idea?
Oh well, I suppose another contribution to natural selection should be welcomed.
I suppose the beer icon is a natural, though I suspect the 'illicit moonshine with traces of wood alcohol' symbol would do better if you had one.
Amateur surgery should be left to the professionals.
To quote Ranulph Fiennes:
Nearly four months later, Sir Ranulph had become impatient by the sight of the blackened finger tops, which had shrivelled and mummified.
Utterly impassively, he recounts the grisly DIY amputation. 'I took the Black & Decker vice from my tool shed and with the micro saw blade, I cut off the dead finger and thumb ends of my left hand. I did it slowly and carefully. When it bled, or was painful, I moved the saw away from the living flesh to the damaged flesh.
'Yes, I did have to cut into my own bone, but it was very shrivelled - the whole thing was like the flesh of a corpse. I put on a dressing to mop up the blood. I did it for financial reasons. I would have had to pay £6,000 to have it done by a surgeon.'
sorry about the source, it's what came up when I searched: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-446399/How-Ranulph-Fiennes-sawed-fingertips-save-6-000-surgery-bill.html
How bored would you have to be?
I've watched a few long installs in my time, but never long enough to think
"Hmm, I know what will while away the time. I'll chop my own foreskin off! Let's see, screwdriver....no, bulldog clip...no, what shall I use...oooh! NAIL SCISSORS!! That'll do it"
Good job he's not a tree surgeon!
So Joseph the Mohel goes to see Lionel the bag maker.
"Joseph! My old friend, what can I do for you?" asks Lionel.
"I want you to make me a special bag for my tools and equipment, so that everyone will know what is my proud profession when I am about town", replies Joseph.
"But Joseph, you are a Mohel! How can I make a bag for you that shows this?" exclaims Lionel.
"So you see, Lionel, I have thought of this. For a year I have been saving the removed skin when I perform the brit milah, I want you to make the bag out of these. Then everyone will know what it is that I do."
Well, Lionel is not sure if it is a good idea but agrees and Joseph gives him a bag of all these little scraps of leathery skin.
Weeks later, when Joseph returns Lionel proudly shows him the most delicate and beautiful instrument case he has ever seen but...
"Lional!", Joseph exclaims, "It is without doubt the most finely crafted bag I have ever seen but I don't think I can even fit a pair of tweezers in to it, let alone all my equipment!"
"Ahhh!" nods Lionel, "Sure it can take all your instruments. Just give it a little rub first, eh!"
<<I dare any bloke to have read that and not winced...>>
Godalmighty, I didn't want to read that until nagging curiousity got the better of me.
I remember having to goto hospital to "turn kosher" due to problems when I was 8. Christ, even with painkillers, it fuc'king hurt*, esp. when the blood leaked and my old fellah stuck to the bedclothes, which were then unceremoneously ripped off by a nurse. AAAAAGHHHH!
But then, in better shape than my devoutly Christian mate, who never 'tested' his thingy before marriage (You know what the're like. None of this Carradine rubbish). On his honeymoon, he found the pain so excruciating trying to 'get it up-an-in' it ruined the honeymoon - they had to wait until after the op. - and then a couple of weeks - before it was possible to consummate the marriage. Bloody frustrating, when you've been a resolute - not even a handjob - virgin for 25 years, then find it's impossible.
Well, his widowed wife's a grannie now, so something obviously was OK. Kids look a bit like the milkman, tho' ;-) I was best man at the wedding. Should've brought my nail clippers....
*Of course it was general anasthetic, but you wake up at some point soon after.
Hold on a second.
"This is something we would advise men never to attempt. The results can be quite horrific and long-lasting and have quite an effect on a man's sexual performance."
There it is, black on white. Yet no mention whatsoever that this barbarism is inflicted onto children every day (not even talking about excision and infibulation).
I drunkenly snipped off some of my own jawbone after a rather messy tooth extraction wouldn't heal up properly. At the next checkup my dentist said that I'd made an excellent job of it, although he could have done it in a more sterile environment and with better painkillers.
Having said that, I'd never attempt what that poor fellow did.
Why is it that men flinch or cross their legs whenever something happens to another man's genitals? I'm a man, and I've never understood it. It's not happening to you, so why are you flinching? You don't flinch when someone else gets shot. You don't flinch when another man gets his face slapped by a woman. So why this?
"The girls will be queuing up when he comes out of hospital."
You never know. After all, John Bobbit did get a lot of female attention after his ordeal. He even became something of a (very minor) porn star.
I have been bored and/or drunk out of my mind before but FFS I have never EVER had the urge to do THIS. Are we sure he wasnt on something else in addition to alcohol?
Im going to go take a shower and hope my todger decides to crawl back out of my abdomen sometime this year after reading this article.....
Ow ow ow ow ow ow..... OMFG ouch. No no seriously fucking ouch. I hope this guy has either learned his lesson or is now some how sterile so he wont pass his sheer stupidity onto another generation.
Flames cus that's what I'm going to need to get the mental image of what this nut job did out of my head.
...and my legs aren't plaited, because, OMG, I'm not a bloke.
Still, it doesn't bear thinking about. It doesn't much bear thinking about for the babies who get it done in the raw as well. Although at least they get the scalpel rather than the clippers. *expunging remark about appropriateness of tool for wee chappies*
And introduce him to King Sunny Aday, the Talking Drum Master of Nigeria and one Brave Man in his own rite. For that man, too, is a King!
Let his drumskin do the talkin' where his foreskin can't any more. Listen with care and the Great Mystery of Nigerian Bush Kingship becomes clear as can be.
So he was Ibo in his prior life, poor chap? Ah, the vicissitudes of Human Culture...
Take off and nuke the entire site from orbit.
It's the only way to be sure.
Speaking as someone who lives and works uncomfortably close to "the 'nage" (pronounced "nidge", btw.), I'm happy to suffer the bleeding gums and loss of hair which would follow.
Which, incidentally, is not dissimilar to what you typically end up with if you visit the Godforsaken shit-hole of an evening, anyhow.
"Lewis Hamilton's from Stevenage, you know?" So fucking what. He's not there now, is he?