back to article Boffins: Gigantic crustacean sperm is 'viable strategy'

A crack team of international boffins has uncovered startling facts about certain species of crustaceans which produce sperm ten times as long as their own bodies. If human males produced such "giant sperm", according to the scientists, the result would be tadpole-esque horrors 17 metres long. Renate Matzke-Karasz, of the …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    IImagine the best orgasm you've ever had. . .

    and then you squeeze out 17 metre long tadpoles.

    Talk about inside out. ..

    Paris because. .

  2. Filippo Silver badge

    I know I shouldn't ask

    Seriously, how does that work? The, er, geometry doesn't work. How does a large thing get out of a small thing, and into another small thing?

  3. Jedi Name Germinator

    Nice choice of words....

    ... did you hire the Inq's funny writer?

  4. NukEvil
    Unhappy

    With my luck...

    ...mine would turn against me and start eating me...

  5. Giddy Kipper
    Happy

    New Keyboard please

    'Jumbo-jizz experts had thought that perhaps the crustacean colosso-spunk phenomenon was of recent origin' and 'spunkoarchaeologists '.

    Thanks Lewis, just the ticket for a Friday.

  6. Code Monkey

    17m

    Imagine the socks your average Reg commenter would need!

  7. Stephen Brown

    What?...

    Why would?... how would? ... eh?

  8. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    golly

    They must be buying from the online pharmacies that keep spamming me.

  9. northern monkey
    Thumb Up

    Love it!!

    "She and her fellow jumbo-jizz experts "

    I bet some of her colleagues entered the field solely because one day they knew someone would refer to them as that!

  10. anarchic-teapot

    "evolutionarily successful reproduction strategy"

    So size really *does* matter?

  11. Your alien overlord - fear me

    But really

    from an evolutionary point of view - you grow up and decrease in size ? Imagine how small you'd be if you made it to old age ?

    I think they've got the sperm from some other species (maybe a giant crab) who died nearby these other creatures.

  12. Bill Fresher

    Hmmm.

    How big's the egg?

  13. mike 92

    Im with kiddy kipper

    "spunkoarchaeologists " has got to be the word of the day surely.

  14. James 85

    Wanktastic

    You could take you eye out if one of those hit you.

    How come giant paper towels did not evolve in response to this?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There was something about this on QI once

    giant sperm and stuff.

    http://www.freewebs.com/qitranscripts/304.htm

    Erm, anyway, what's quite interesting about the sperm of the fruit fly?

    [Viewscreens: Three very close-up pictures of a fruit fly.]

    Alexander

    Smells of guava. [shrugs imperiously]

    Alan

    The thing is, Xander actually knows that.

    Alexander

    Yeah. I know.

    Stephen

    Fruit fly spunk. What can we say about it?

    Alan

    They don't have it. They don't have any of it.

    Stephen

    They cer— . . . by God, they do.

    Alan

    Do they.

    John

    It is the most fecund sperm.

    Jeremy

    Do parsnips taste nice in it?

    Stephen

    I'm afraid I'm . . . It's size. I'm just going to add size. It's the largest sperm of any living thing.

    [Viewscreens: The fruit flies' "mouths" suddenly are superimposed with smiling, ruby red lips.]

    Stephen

    If uncoiled, it's twenty times as long as its own body. It's 5.8 centimeters long, one sperm. I'm not talking about . . . Its seminal fluid--

    Jeremy

    5.8 centimetres?

    Stephen

    Yeah, 5.8 centimetres. A human sperm is naught-point-naught-five millimetres.

    John

    So you don't think "tadpole"; think "Loch Ness Monster".

    Stephen

    It really is. Absolutely gigantic.

    Alan

    You could probably get one as a pet, couldn't you?

    Stephen

    Yeah. Well over 1000 times longer than a human sperm.

    Alan

    [mimes painfully ejaculating a giant sperm]

    Jeremy

    [uses hands to indicate a giant sperm landing on the table with a loud thunk]

    Stephen

    Oh, dear . . .

  16. David S
    Joke

    @Bill Fresher

    The egg's really, really tiny but, get this, there's BILLIONS of them...

    Hang on...

    Is it circle-with-arrow for girl and circle-with-cross for boy, or the other way round?

  17. Luther Blissett

    A small technical question

    I hope this is the right place to ask. Just how does one see (as opposed to "see" and ""see"") things with "synchrotron X-ray holotomography"? You see, I've got one, or something quite a lot like it. It cost an arm and a leg, but I've only ever found it good for navel gazing.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    synchrotron X-ray holotomography

    I wanna be a "synchrotron X-ray holotomographer"

    It would be hell down the pub every weekend explaining I look at little things in xray mode

    Might be a good pick up line though!

    Girl: Hi what do you do then?

    Me: I'm a synchrotron X-ray holotomographer

    Girl: Whats that?

    Me: Follow me I'll have to show you

    Girl: OK, it's a bit dark in here?

    Me: OK, now hold this I'm gonna do some synchrotron X-ray holotomography

    Girl: Do I have to hold it for long?

    What fun I'd have

  19. Steve X
    Paris Hilton

    @Filippo

    > Seriously, how does that work? The, er, geometry doesn't work. How does a large thing get out of a small thing, and into another small thing?

    Think of a party popper inserted in...

    ...or maybe not.

  20. Nigel 11
    IT Angle

    @Bill Fresher

    Are you sure that's a joke? I was wondering whether it might be a mobile egg and stay-at-home sperm in an unusual biogical role reversal. For real.

    Have they worked out yet what is the biological advantage of male / female bimorphism?There are only a few species in which all are hermaphrodite and capable of reproducing sexually with any other member of their species. I would have thought that was an evolutionary advantage, but obviously it can't be.

  21. James O'Brien
    Thumb Up

    "spunkoarchaeologists"

    Ok I need a new monitor.

    Friday for sure it seems.

  22. Anonymous John
    IT Angle

    I for one

    welcome our.......

    Er. What's the adjective that means sperm-like?

  23. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Alert

    spunkoarchaeologists

    I refuse to believe *any* university offers this degree.

  24. WhatWasThat?
    Joke

    @Luther Blissett

    ... Then obviously you can tell if your navel lint is 20x larger than normal size, 'natch!

  25. Michael Tripper
    Paris Hilton

    Eraserhead

    Eraserhead anyone?

  26. The Real Bartelby

    A small (not-so-)technical answer

    «Just how does one see (as opposed to "see" and ""see"") things with "synchrotron X-ray holotomography"?»

    Erm. By looking at the attached monitor. Word of the street is, results are improved if you keep your eyes open.

    A bit like, you know, how you see things with an electron microscope, an echograph or any piece of medical imagery equipement, a scanning confocal microscope, a giant telescope, ...

  27. martinX

    Here it comes

    Gulp.

  28. James 55

    @NukEvil

    Have you had trouble with your sperm trying to eat you in the past?

  29. Charles Manning

    Time for another Reg Unit

    Distance from earth to moon = 22 588 235.3 gigasperms

  30. Ian Wiles
    Coat

    @James 55

    "Have you had trouble with your sperm trying to eat you in the past?"

    I believe it's called "Spermicide".

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Sex Fridays

    Hmmm, sex on Fridays. None of this other weekday nonsense. That's what Pron-o-Net is for...

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    spunkoarchaeologists

    I'm sure paleospunkologists would have been better.

  33. Dex
    Joke

    So this is....

    ....wher the Scary Movie sketch "cums" from...although somehow i think she'd go THROUGH the ceiling, not get stuck to it

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How does it work

    I belive the sperm it very.. VERY long but also very very thin and is "coiled" up before launch and coils up when delivered as well.

  35. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    Re: spunkoarcheologists

    Personally, I reckon "Paleojismologists" sounds better.

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Troll

    it's all about relative dimension in space

    "How does a large thing get out of a small thing, and into another small thing?"

    Not familiar with Dr Who, are we?

    Dah-dah-daa, da-dah da-daa,

    booba de-boom, da booba da-boom, da booba da-boom, da booba da-boom . . .

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