back to article BOFH: Spontaneous Legal Combustion

The following concludes episodes 4b, 4c and 5b, which are available exclusively to Register Platinum Cookie readers (with access to the content opulent Register Website). For the benefit of general (Lead Cookie) readers, the following flashback snippets have been approved for distribution: Boss: You Bastards! (Episode 4b) …


This topic is closed for new posts.
  1. Admiral Grace Hopper
    Thumb Up


    Outstanding work. Am I the only one who read, "carefully" for "carelessly"?

  2. Methusalah
    Thumb Up


    I have a double chocolate chip cookie. What does that get me?

    Don't need a coat...the suns out

  3. Andrew Jones


    what was that?

  4. Dave


    I only had a chocolate chip cookie and I ate that at tea break this morning.

  5. Wize
    Thumb Down


    Not too sure about this one.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Platinum Cookie!!!

    I'm sorry, I didn't see the Platinum Cookie option when I just registered.

  7. Andrew Moore


    The Bastard Lawyer from Hell

  8. Paul Stephenson


    The leading paragraph left me confused, but with a sudden desire to eat cookies.

    /AFK - Gone to bakery.

  9. paul
    Thumb Up

    A return to form

    After having just re-read the archive this week whilst waiting for a new one, I'm pleased to say this ia a complete return to form. Now if he could just get back to a weekly delivery schedule...

  10. Ben Oldham

    Jumping the?

    (complete with fricking laser beams...)

  11. Emj
    Dead Vulture

    What the....

    does this mean? "The following concludes episodes 4b, 4c and 5b, which are available exclusively to Register Platinum Cookie readers (with access to the content opulent Register Website). For the benefit of general (Lead Cookie) readers, the following flashback snippets have been approved for distribution:"

    For f's sake - surey the reg hasn't stooped to multi-levels of users? Pathetic if it has. Hopefully, this is just some kind of joke that I will get the punch line to some point in the future...

  12. Bassey
    Thumb Up


    That is all

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    huh ?

    What platinum cookie ?

  14. Dalen
    Thumb Up

    Bastard Attorney From Hell?

    Or did the PFY choose to represent them both?

    Awesome episode, probably my favorite for a long while. And an awesome explanation for "missing" ones. Where do I sign up for El Reg Platinum Cookie?

    *off to wipe Pepsi from the keyboard*

  15. Anonymous Coward





    DAMN YOUY SIMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    on a serious note, well done, a work of genius.

    AC - for obvious reasons

  16. Oli


    pure genius as usual simon!!

  17. Anonymous Coward


    What a great way to round up the story, thanks Simon. I just feel sorry for anyone who missed the buildup.

  18. Nick

    Platinum Cookie

    Where do I get one of those platinum cookies?

  19. Simon B

    Where's episode 5??

    Just checked the BOFH archive and confirmed that episode 5 of 2009 is missing!!!! Has the BOFH deleted it, shredded the only print out of it and wiped all archive records of it???

  20. Adam Connelly
    Thumb Down


    Type your comment here — plain text only, no HTML

  21. Daniel Gould
    Thumb Up

    A welcome return to form, Simon

    Nice to see a good return to the days of old. Please keep up the good work on a more regular weekly basis. Try prune juice - good for the mind and regularity, I hear.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down


    ...the crappest in all the time it's been going, makes no sense and is about as funny as pig flu

  23. Anonymous Coward

    Oh well,

    These documentaries are all well and good, but when is Simon going to write some fiction?

  24. Anonymous Coward

    Platinum Cookies...

    don't taste nice... but this has made my day.

  25. roger
    Paris Hilton

    wow that sucked

    im guessing this is the end.

    Paris because even she knows this is not hot

  26. Dave P


    That is both wild and wonderful. A great start to the month,

  27. Rob


    What's going on?

    Does simon not want to write BOFH anymore?

  28. Kevin Johnston


    well...then Somehow this one just doesn't

  29. Steen Hive

    Is this

    Judge Tomas Norström summing up at the close of the case against Monique Wadsted and Henrik Pontén for conspiring to pervert the course of justice, perchance?

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Platinum coookies?

    I love the closing argument it is so detailed.

    Paris because she would know what to do on a carpet..

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thorpe Trial

    Very similar in tone to the Peter Cook summing up of the Jeremy Thorpe trial. Are they by chance related?

  32. Working Grunt
    Thumb Down


    Huge Disappointment - I enjoy the BOFH, a useful reminder that the real world can and does bite the boss's backside - but this was just plain boring. Has Simon finally sold his franchise? Maybe this is why the previous episodes are only for paid up members.

  33. Bill Cumming

    all this needs....

    ... Is a gravely voice over....

    "In the world if I.T. their are 2 different and separate organizations.

    The I.T. Department who investigate and solve serious Network issues.

    And the managers who appose them...



    These are their stories....."


    Mine is the judges robe with the black hankie in the pocket....

  34. amanfromMars Silver badge

    A Salutory Tale

    And in Real Life too, is IT just as easy to Sweep Away the Dross and Dead Wood with a few Well Chosen Words of Clear Explanation.

  35. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    So what happened...

    To episode 5 then?

  36. J Nekritz

    available exclusExclusively to Register Platinum Cookie readers!

    You.. you!.. Wait.. Where did the this carpet come from....

  37. cdilla
    Thumb Up

    Top wordsmithing

    "perjurous casserole of untruths" - worthy of Stephen Fry indeed. A most entertaining BOFH.

  38. Chris

    Bet the admin's @ the reg...

    ....are nearly amused about all the people asking to become a platinum cookie member

    Classic BOFH!!!

  39. A
    Thumb Up


    Just great!

  40. Pirate Dave Silver badge

    lead cookies

    I guess there's a reason I'm a "lead cookie" Reg reader. I didn't get this BOFH. Zoom, right over my head it went. Thick as lead I must be...

  41. Anonymous Coward

    message from a lead cookie

    oh come on... when are you going to release those missing episodes ? :(

    don't forget that lead cookies can vary in shape, most common lead cookies come in the form of bullets through windows :P

    //resident bastard signing off ... i'm off to buy some cookies from the local huntin^H^H^H^H^H^H cookie shop.

  42. Matt D

    Pay attention, chaps.

    For those of you asking where episode 5 is, it is here:

    And has been for a fortnight. It is also the top story in the 'most read' panel to the right of the story.

    Goggles, as you should really wear your glasses if you are short-sighted.

  43. Mike Smith

    A suggestion

    How about some of the critics on here try their own hands at a BOFH type story? It's not as easy as you might think. I've been trying to write a set of BOFH TV scripts as an exercise, and it's a lot more difficult than I thought it would be when I started.

    So, who's up for it? Let's have a competition. Winner gets induction into the Grand Mastership of Bastards, losers get induction into their central nervous systems at 400,000 volts.

    Any takers?

  44. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thorpe Trial 2

    Is the BOFH and his author also a "player of the pink oboe", I think we should be told.

  45. Mat
    Thumb Down

    Not impressed

    not that funny to be honest

  46. Chris
    Gates Horns

    Call yourselves geeks!?

    I shake my head in despair at anyone who "doesn't get" this article. Unless the art of advanced trolling has somehow leaked out from 4chan and dirtied our beloved reg...

  47. L. W.

    Episode 4b...

    ... was pretty good, 4c was so-so, but 5b was excellent, especially with this episode to conclude the trilogy!!!

    EMJ, click that button over there ------->> on the left side of the page and you'll see the other episodes, if that doesnt work, you can press alt +F4 and it will list all the episodes for you.

    Time for coat and head to the bar... mines the ones with the prinout copies of episodes 4b, 4c, and 5b in the pocket!!

  48. Chris Harden

    My Account

    Damn, that really makes me upset that I over-reacted to an article and deactivated my platinum cookie account in a fit of rage.

    Which is making me even more upset! That's it! I'm leaving the El Reg forever!

    (BTW, great episode as usual!)

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Hell, Episode 5b is worth the Platinum membership alone.

  50. Jon

    quite good

    If you ignore the "platinum cookie" hidden episode bollocks at the beginning I thought this was quite funny actually and not the doom and gloom others have been portraying it as.

  51. DGRC
    Paris Hilton

    Brilliant, absolutely brilliant

    Let's hope this heralds the return of weekly BOFHs.

    And Paris because I wept tears of joy.

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The platinum episodes

    are currently withdrawn as they form part of an ongoing trial.

  53. Bo Pedersen
    Thumb Up

    must be the Pig flu

    lots of people missing the point (some deliberately ;) ? )

    must be the fever everyone has :)

    I always wondered what would happen if they ever managed to get my two mentors into court! :)

  54. This post has been deleted by its author

  55. Anonymous Coward

    list of goings-on

    My, my, my. We *have* been busy little beavers, haven't we?

  56. Anonymous Coward

    platinum cookie's?

    That explains the banner adds suggesting that small&floppy invented email then.......

  57. Dave Murray

    Feel sorry for those Lead Cookie readers...

    Episode 5b was the pinnacle of BOFH. I'm glad I spent the £1k p.a. to become a Platinum member!

  58. RW

    Very well done!


    I particularly like the narrative structure which, like all good fiction, stimulates the reader's imagination instead of dotting all the t's and crossing all the i's.

    Very well done indeed!

  59. Il Midga di Macaroni

    @ Mike Smith

    Funny you should mention the readers writing their own BOFH episodes...

    A little research on the web (the kind the BOFH usually does in microseconds but us mere mortals can sometimes take days over) will reveal a lot.

    Simon has done his duty. I have done mine. Go ye and do yours!

  60. Anonymous Coward

    I know I have

    A ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

    Sorry, no cookies, just animal crackers today

  61. sage

    Platinum cookie

    I don't have a Reg Platinum Cookie membership. Can I use my 4chan Gold account? I hear that'll get me in anywhere.

    Mine's the one with the vote stuffer in the pocket.

  62. Anonymous Coward

    @Dalen *off to wipe Pepsi from the keyboard*

    Should have gone with a refreshing Coca Cola, which you would have already swallowed due the pleasant taste.

  63. Maty

    As a platinum cookie holder

    I have to point out that lead cookie holders might have been a bit confused having missed previous episodes. However, if given suitable incentives - beer, cash and (in appropriate cases) sex - I might be persuaded to torrent the relevant episodes through pirate bay.

    The cost will high, for the wrath of the BOFH is not lightly incurred, but I feel it is my duty to get the missing episodes out to all you lead cookie plebs out there.

  64. Michael

    @Simon B

    "Just checked the BOFH archive and confirmed that episode 5 of 2009 is missing!!!! Has the BOFH deleted it, shredded the only print out of it and wiped all archive records of it???"

    No --

    To never miss a BOFH:


  65. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Most perturbed indeed

    Reg Platinum Cookie??? Where was this option when I signed up? I never saw it and would happily pay upwards of five salted kippers a week for the privilege of an El Reg Platinum Cookie membership. I demand that I immediately be upgraded and the funds be drawn directly from my fish monger/banker with all due haste, account details to follow.

    This was a different but very good BOFH, it's nice to see you branching out Simon :-). Oh and by the way "perjurous casserole of untruths" was brilliant and nearly made me spit tea all over my monitor.

  66. amanfromMars Silver badge

    Simon Says it must be Friday.

    So ..... has the BOFH Morphed from Ugly Duckling into XSSXXXXy Swan? Hairy Caterpillar into Monarch Butterfly?

    And Free as a Big Blue Bird?

    Excellent Phorm, Simon ....... Just love the Psychotic Episodes.

  67. Charles Osborne

    Platinum Cookie?

    Aw, I have only the Osmium Cookie. My boss would only spring for that level because he said that it matches me: It's overly dense and it smells bad.

  68. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    "Perjurous casserole of untruths" - that's just superb.

    Yet again some of the comments show that for every IQ above 100 there's another below it. Sometimes well below it.

  69. Anonymous Coward

    Ah hah

    This explains all the delayed episodes. We now know where Simon's been. But, has he been acquitted yet?

  70. Kevin Fields
    Paris Hilton


    Because she's lost and confused about what's happened.

  71. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Blue Peter badge holders

    Get to see everything!

  72. Anonymous Coward

    Platinum Cookie

    I'll have you know, I busted two teeth on my Pt cookie. I may have to sue. BTW, how much does a good judge cost these days.

  73. Dave

    Not Hard

    I thought 5B was rather soft, actually.

  74. Ed
    Thumb Up

    LOL Simon

    BWFH - Barstard Writer From Hell

    Platinum Cookie

    Lead Cookie

    LOL Mate

    Way to fuck with the readers

  75. Richard Jukes

    Nice one

    Classic, takes BOFH to a whole new level. If you dont get it, you dont get it.

  76. Adrian Esdaile

    Got. Caracker, that one!

    A great read.

    Following from someones comment above, I re-read it as if it was read by Stephen Fry - great!

    I also re-read it as if read by Daniella Nardini and Jaqueline Pearce (the two differing versions of Supreme Commander Servilan) and it become sublime!

  77. skeptical i
    Thumb Up

    savoring the flavor

    The episode overall was great, but as cdilla, Iam Me, and AC (01-MAY-2009 18:11) have already pointed out, "perjurous casserole of untruths" was an especially tasty nugget. Well played.

  78. Douglas Norton

    Comments 5a, pt.II, paragraphs 7-9

    Sorry, your do not have the necessary account privileges to read these comments.

    To upgrade to the Gold Pressed Latinum Diamond Advantage comments account, please visit <>

    Thank you.

  79. John O'Mary


    ...Herr Travaglia!

  80. Frumious Bandersnatch

    @Matt D "pay attention chaps"

    > Goggles, as you should really wear your glasses if you are short-sighted.

    But (to quote another commenter):


  81. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I finally let IE8 install itself yesterday and it appears to have zorched all the cookies all over my drive! All I can find in my backups is one of those stupid plastic ones that El Reg foisted last October, what a useless thing, all it got me was a view of a Lego people terrorist onslaught.

    What was the Boss doing in 4c when he said "Bastards!", was he leaning on the desk and suddenly realizing a truth, or was he clenching his fists as he stood in the middle of the room, having finally mustered the nerve to speak up, someone, please tell me! Aaargh!

  82. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Great episode

    Simon, great episode as usual. Those last few lines were the perfect touch.

  83. Cliff

    Yay for intelligent humour!

    This was one of the freshest BOFH's for a while, and reading it, it reminded me how fresh the BOFH was back in the mid-90's, in an era that can only be described as pre-NTK (I miss NTK, a void partly filled by The Reg and partly by B3ta). Back on-topic, yes, excellent edition, and it felt like the break brought out the best in you Simon.

  84. tony trolle
    Black Helicopters

    and episode 6c

    ends with a shower .

    Episode 7 starts at the south fork ranch.

    BTW the missing episodes are over at Pirate bay

  85. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    @ the "lets see you write your own..." types. Isn't something like that said to Simon Cowl by the tone deaf people he points out have no talent? Just because I couldn't do better doesn't make it any better. It doesn't take Davinci to know the drawing of a spider was crap.

    @ "call yourself geeks". I understand it. I just don't get it. Its just not that funny.

  86. 4a$$Monkey
    Thumb Up


    Best BOFH in ages! Great work Simon.

    Ignore all the idiots who failed to get the fake introduction.

  87. ryan

    is nobody else worried by the synergy...

    between people failing to 'get' Platinum membership, and those same people stating that this BOFH is clearly The Worst BOFH Ever?

    you can lead a complete fucking imbecile to water...

  88. Jesthar

    No Platinum for me... work will barely spring for paper cookies, AND we have to draw them ourselves!

    (thank goodness for friends with better employers - loved the prequals!)

    Still, this episode - beautiful! Although it appears the subtleties may have been lost on some of the 'cattleprod in the groin' fans - you REALLY should go platinum for a few classic moments in that vein ;)

  89. Jan Buys
    Thumb Up



    Thank you, Simon

  90. Qster
    Thumb Up


    Brilliant Simon :)

    content opulent - sounds like a Gateism for IE 9 :)

  91. The Repulsive Monkey
    Thumb Up


    A deliciously different BOFH. They may not be coming as often as we like but I would happily wait a month if every episode was as good as this one

  92. SigKill
    Thumb Up


    That was great. Perry Mason BOFH style.

  93. Simon Woollard

    Excellent !

    What I want to know is: will the B.O.F.H. and P.F.Y., after their just acquittal, now go to work in Parliament's I.T. Dept where no doubt they can learn new and exciting ways of creative expense claiming and accounting?

  94. Mick

    Good Work Sir!

    Especially loving the platinum cookie editions even if their sheer volume did take me an age to open due to the somewhat slow satellite link to our ship - well worth the wait though!

  95. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Do 4b, 4c and 5B actually exist? I'm Confused....-Brain Melts-

  96. mittfh

    @Simon Woollard

    They'd probably be much better at it!

    IT projects would still overrun their allocated time and funds, but there would be no leaks.

    Why? Put it this way - the following day, the relevant paper's headline story would be a about a courier / senior civil servant being involved in a nasty and fatal RTA outside their (the paper's) front door...

    Flames, as inevitably the evidence of financial impropriety wouldn't survive the impact...

This topic is closed for new posts.

Other stories you might like