As anyone who has to deal with them knows....
... they are just rats with bushy tails and good PR.
A Northern Ireland woman is on the front line of the ongoing battle against grey squirrel hordes after her house was invaded by massed sciurine forces, the BBC reports. Oonagh Nutt, of Moira in County Down, explained that the incursion began when advanced squirrel patrols entered her garden from a nearby park. She said: "I …
Yep...grew up on the Isle of Wight which is one of the last red squirrel havens and they are widely known there as tree-rats. There was a story of one of the cross-solent ferries not being allowed to dock as a grey squirrel was seen aboard and they had to catch it before docking but that may be an urban myth. Still, at least red squirrels seem to have a much lower population growth.
The little buggers come from the fields and live in our roof, eating insulation and causing leaks. Poison them and the house stinks for a couple of weeks then you have a couple of weeks of flies everywhere. Then you wait a few months for the next family of rats to move in. Nice.
Replace the facias with plastic ones and any other entry/exit points, ensure there is no access to any food, trap the bastard things and let them starve. Then to find the corpse just follow your nose.
Of course the councils could reclassify them as pests BECAUSE THEY ARE. Then of course they would have to start including them in their pest control measures. That might cost money though so I think it can be forgotten, wouldn't want the councillors to go without their twinning expeditions after all.
I blame Bill Gates
<<Of course the councils could reclassify them as pests BECAUSE THEY ARE>>
Bet there are more wheelie-bins than squirrels.
So, all council have to do is RFID the little fuc*kers. Then charge 'em for how much crap they excrete. Fine 'em, too for dropping litter like nut shells, and we can get rid of the Council Tax (==Poll Tax, remarketed) once and for all. That'll turn them all to Pykies and Fly-tippers.
Could backfire, tho'. With Britain at its worst, I guess householders with this vermin would get charged for the extra occupancy. Or fined for overcrowding. Wouldn't surprise me a bit.
Get a dog or two. Might have to trim the trees a bit if they overshadow the roof I guess, but I grew up in a wooded area, always had dogs, never had a squirrel problem... Course, my last name isn't Nutt either - surely a name like that is just begging for a squirrel problem.
As an aside, how does one pronounce "Oonagh"? Well, I'm assuming it's not pronounced uuu-naag-hhhh as it looks (not that isn't a perfectly lovely name?).
We had polecats (wild ferrets) in our attic in France and were told to use mothballs to discourage them. Unfortunately naphthelene mothballs are illegal now and the modern replacements don't work.
Traps were useless; they nicked the bait (eggs) and sprung the traps with them on the outside. Even our old rural neighbours couldn't figure out how they did that.
Repointing the walls and blocking as many gaps as possible seems to have reduced their visits, though as they can climb vertical walls and get under roof tiles, not for long I suspect.
I moved into a house recently where the surveyor noted "a significant infestation of squirrels in the attic".
The scrabbling in the walls stopped inside a week - the cat has a lovely squirrel-fur coat, and a large cheque from Walkers Crisps Ingredients Acquisition department ;-)
Joking aside (Cajun Squirrel crisps are vegetarian), the nut-ridden little maniacs have all vanished since the cat moved in.
Tried setting our murderous feline bastards onto the tree rats and they declined to shred them to pieces. Too big I guess. A fireman told me once that they reckon 25% of all house fires are caused by them. 0.177 inches of lead fired into their heads at extreme velocity seems to do the trick...
I don't understand people who feed them or worse, behave like a friend of mine who has adopted 3 baby rats^H^H^H^H squirrels and is hand rearing them with baby milk. His photos on FB are like a chick magnet ("oh, aren't they cute" x103). I'm thinking of sending him a box of cockroaches as he likes vermin so much.
I would think in these days of reduced income, any free source of food would be welcome.
You will need a cleaver. Big with a rubber grip (so your hand won't slip when the blood starts flowing). Thick gloves for bite avoidance. An apron, rubber would be best. And a kitchen.
Recipe for Squirrel Souflé:
Capture a squirrel from the herds swarming in the loft using a humane trap. Place the struggling rodent on the chopping board. Raise the cleaver high, the polished steel glinting in the blood red glare of the setting sun and bring it down - WHAM! - on the rodent's exposed neck! The terrified squeals and death twitches of the helpless squirrel!
Then make it into a souflé.
Keep a sharp lookout for the anti-souflé brigade and their simpering lackeys.
(With apologies to the Python Team and the editors of the Brand New Monty Python Bok who thought this up first).
Imagine the squirrels surrounding the house saying 'What's in there?'
'Nutts' says one.
'Right lads, let's go and get 'em - even if we have to tear the place down.'
Perhaps Mrs Nutts should change her name to that of a suitable predator. Mrs Cats or Hawks would probably do it. Or even Mrs Blackadder.
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