Italians boffins prove plausibility of spam-javelin spam

Italian scientists appear to have taken an important step in proving that you really can "drive her wild with nine-inch length" and "make girls gasp when unzip flies" by proving that the Andropenis todger-stretch apparatus actually works. According to the Telegraph, volunteers who tried out the penis-extending kit at the …

[Anonymous Coward]

DIY

Little men^h^h^h^h boys everywhere will be finding new uses for Lego.

[Anonymous Coward]

Todger triumphs

>customers looking for the claimed "girth increase of 0.6 inches" should note the study found "no significant increase" in babe-wowing width.

A friend, ahem, no really, used to say, short and thick does the trick.

[Ken Hagan]

Flaccid?

Who's going to be wowed by that?

[Anonymous Coward]

"both in the flaccid and stretched state"

But not in the erect state, which is surely what most people would care about. (Or perhaps not. People are strange.)

So it's possible this procedure lengthens the penis while damaging it in a way that makes erections less impressive.

Anyway, how does one measure the length of a *flaccid* penis to such a degree of accuracy that it makes sense to quote hundredths of an inch, even for an average?

[David]

how much is enough?

It's going on my xmas list

[Anonymous Coward]

surely you meant

"make her gasp when unzip files"

Well that's how I read it anyway.

[John]

Flaccid?

Surely measuring flaccid length isn't the important issue, and you were silent on the more important issue of, ahem, rigid length. Inquiring minds (not in any way desirous of sending money to spammers) want to know.

[General A. Annoying]

They must have been utterly desparate.

To put their todgers through that sort of abuse.

Or masochists.

Or Italian.

Oh, they WERE Italian.

Plonkers.

[Alistair]

As any fule kno,

The only sure way to enhance the dimension of your manhood is to flop it on a table and whap it with a mallet. Sadly this isn't a service you can sell over the internet ... or is it?

[Anonymous Coward]

Sense of priority

Top killers in the world in millions:

Coronary heart disease 12.2

Stroke and other cerebrovascular diseases 9.7

Lower respiratory infections 7.1

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease 5.1

Diarrhoeal diseases 3.7

HIV/AIDS 3.5

Tuberculosis 2.5

Trachea, bronchus, lung cancers 2.3

Road traffic accidents 2.2

Prematurity and low birth weight 2

Keep up the good work, guys,

[Anonymous Coward]

Mine's a grower, not a shower

So no worries here.

[John Hawkins]

Future winners of the Ig Nobel Biology Prize?

Does the Ig Nobel prize committee accept nominations through Der Reg?

[Neil]

Why were they only measuring "average flaccid penis length"?

Surely the important measure is when its in...erm... the other state

[Anonymous Coward]

spam javelin spam

great!

When it comes time for my second career as a porn star I'll know where to start I suppose...

[Tim]

So we are good to "unspam" those mails then?

I am sure that their research was well founded, but i would have thought that an average 47 year old man would have had to get himself into a "guaranteed" position before exposing his "9 inches of love length". Otherwise he is just flashing and the offended young ladies would then call the rozzers to the scene.

And since when did spam actually try and sell stuff? most of it seems to be for data harvesting or back door virus downloading (pardon the pun).

[Anonymous Coward]

everyone knows

that it's the girth that matters, not the length

[Don Sinclair]

take a leaf out of the professor's book

The need for penis extension has taken an altogether different 'slant' following research undertaken by eminant scientist at the University of Accrington. The breakthrough came during a DIY (not in the way that you think) session at the home of Proffessor Arnold Eckinthwaite. While applying some renovating plaster to the window reveal in his conservatory, his wife Ting Lee Foo-Eckinthwaite accidentaly slipped with a tray of black pudding tempura becoming impailed over the professor's plastering hawk. Had the plaster not been so well set the breakthrough may not have happened, however the entire contents of the board was deposited in the lining of Lee Fook's 'front bottom', reducing the internal circumference by 25% and the overall length of the 'furry love tube' by a wopping 20 cms.

Now I know you are going to say....oh no another woman hater saying that if a woman can't be satisfied she should by a street bollard....no on the contrary.

The couple toiled in vain to remove all of the plaster, which was 'super cured' as a result of contact with body fluids and thought that on the whole (no pun intended) they had suceeded. However, it wasn't until the next session of nookie, when the professor's manhood became trapped in the drastically reduced circumference that the discovery was made.

In order to free himself 'the prof' had to tie (using chemical anchors) the bed to the masonry wall of the bedroom, Lee Fook to the bed head and with the aid of crampons march backwards using a handy anvil as ballast. Finally after about 30 metres the profs manhood freed itself, severely grazing the prof's chin and spraying plaster based shrapnel through windows and into a nearby stable.

The prof's 'mutton dagger', after the initial swelling had diminished had reched an impressive 15 metres in length, but a dissapointing 5mm in girth. But the prof, forever the optimist stated 'This discovery could benefit the whole of human-kind not only in termsof penis length, but in cost savings in the purchase of luxury items such as SWING BALL.

[Anonymous Coward]

@Neil

"Surely the important measure is when its in...erm... the other state"

Surely you don't mean Minnesota...

[michael]

not in erect

http://xkcd.com/194/

says it all realy espicley the mouse over text

[sam bo]

@spam javelin spam

What brought your first career as a porn star to an untimely demise ?

[blackworx]

ahem

long and thin slips right in,

great for making babies.

short and fat is where it's at

if you want to please the ladies.

[Anonymous Coward]

why is length important?

Why do guys always want a 'long one'?

My 'sensitive bits' are less than 2 inches in......

Short & thick really is better.............

[Anonymous Coward]

Observing the flaccid length - what about the 'Measurement Problem'

Basically, this quantum mechanics theory states [something like] it is 'difficult' to conduct a measurement upon a subject without inherently introducing a unwanted side-effect, which in itself skewers the measurement.

So, might we assume that the gentle, but noticeable, attempt to measure one's manhood MIGHT have contributed to the claimed increase in 'stature' ('Think of Italy', 'Think of Italy', 'Think of Italy', .......).

I was never confused!!!

[Blubster]

Wouldn't it be easier

And cheaper just to tie a selection of different sized bricks to the old todger?

Start off with half brick, then a full one and finally graduate to a breeze block - mine's turned black already.

[Eugene Goodrich]

Controlled for test variables?

Is all the scientific measurement data available? I want to see if they controlled for room temperature.

Paris, because she's got her boffin glasses on. (That's hawt.)

[Anonymous Coward]

@ Hazel Rees

"Why do guys always want a long one?"

To impress the other guys in locker rooms. It's really quite hilarious the way indubitably straight dudes try to surreptitiously scope out the other dudes' cocks. [N.B. no effete British "todger" allowed.]

Incidentally, this explains as well the emphasis on flaccid length because a straightboy with an erection in the locker room takes great pains to conceal it lest it be used as evidence of a deviant sexuality.

Don't ask about locker rooms at gay gyms, please.

[Anonymous Coward]

Now you too can then tie a sock...

...around the base when she complains about it bashing against her cervix.

That really hurts :-(

(Well it really depends on the woman - we vary internally as much as men vary externally, as for girth, the vagina is designed to firmly grip whatever it gets within reason - takes about 2 minutes to get there though, so some guys probably do need the extra girth from the start. Don't they teach basic sexual biology where you come from?)

[Anonymous Coward]

As any truly good lover knows

The real pleasure is to be found with the fingers and tongue... ;-)

[Anonymous Coward]

@ why is length important?

What have your needs and requirements got to do with anything? We have to live with the fear of being shorter than our peers 9usually when drunk and or depressed). Posturing and justification is only for when one is in (drunken?)company.

With this, there is potentially no need for other common (and expensive) italian penis extensions to re-assure a man of his worth, when he can measure things by small multiples of himself.

screw *my* Christmas list, i'm giving this Christmas cheer to as many people as I can reasonably afford this year :D

[b166er]

On lowering my pants,

she inquired derisively "Who do you expect to please with that?"

To which I responded "Myself!"

[Anonymous Coward]

Yowzers

"penile bruising"

All these comments and not one person thought that this was worth mentioning?

Whatever the weather the big fella's* always there, I'd never dream of doing something so barbaric to my bald headed buddy.

Clam.

* Represents my opinion only.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Erect Length

They said they studied stretched length, stretched length and erect length are essentially the same thing, according to a very strong statistical correlation.

But really common sense too, think about it a second, how is a moderate increase in internal pressure supposed to stretch it longer than you can do by clamping the thing and pulling until it won't go any more?

[Steen Hive]

@AC

Werner Heisenberg was tortured for much of his adult life by the fact he could never actually know how long his knob was.

[Anonymous Coward]

Make her gasp...

in a "OMG what is THAT?!?" way, cause if you're too long you'll hit her cervix and she certainly won't be enjoying it as much as she would if you just let things be...

Paris, cause she would know about such things...

[Pete "oranges" B.]

Oh dear...

When I read the description, I was convinced the article was about some form of anti-spam counter-hack.

I seem to have been most grievously mistaken!

Oh-well, back to the lab...

[Anonymous Coward]

Locker rooms in gay gyms

@HazelRees

It's been my experience in gay gyms that the guys show off their muscles rather than anything else, since that's usually shrunk to invisibility by steroid overuse to give them disco tits...

mines is the one with the pink and gold lame lining...