back to article BOFH: Aspie no questions

"It's... it's destroyed!" the Boss sniffles as he tilts the remains of his home computer up for me to see. "True, but then he was just doing what you told him to do." "It told him to go ahead and start the machine up if he thought it was fixed!" "No, you said, 'OK, give it a bash' - a completely different thing altogether …


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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    4 weeks!?

    Is not four weeks a bit long to write down another episode ?

    The author can be lucky that most readers can not reach him with a CP.

  2. Bruno Girin
    Thumb Up


    BOFH is back! Great start to Friday afternoon!

  3. Psmiffy
    Thumb Up


    The BOFH is back!!!

    I was desperatly waiting for it .. almost all year so far.

    If Simon wants to get back on quote, he may have to pull out some midweek episodes ...

    Thanks Simon, they are always great!

  4. Dave Ross


    pyromania, that other terrible condition that many IT people suffer from :)

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    So, probably I have the Aspergers syndrome as well, as I work in IT and repetitivly check the register for new articles particular in the odds(/bofh) section ...

  6. Joskyn Jones
    Thumb Up

    Love the subject matter....

    Read and weep Gary.....!

  7. Dave Silver badge

    worth the wait....

    ...but why such long gaps between episodes these days?

  8. MarkP


    Long time coming but oh so worth it!

    Thanks BOFH

  9. Tim Schomer
    Thumb Up

    How True...

    "And reading between the lines you're suggesting that working in IT makes you a spiteful vindictive bastard with borderline Aspergers?"

    Sums up my experiences woking in IT pretty well, wonder if anyone's ever done a real study into the subject?

  10. Mark Lockwood
    IT Angle


    It's nice to have a name to this horrible affliction

  11. Anonymous Coward

    new BOFH

    Has it realy been a month since the last one? will it be a month to the next one?

  12. D. M

    Good one

    What if they have to deal with CICS? That would be an idea. *kick* the boss.

  13. Chika

    I really missed this...

    I might even use some of the suggestions for my job eval!...

  14. Evil Auditor Silver badge


    There's an IT company around here which recruites particularly aspies (and gifted). Must be fun to do project with them. At least, you'll want to be very clear about the specifications; which is a good thing anyway.


  15. Duckorange

    Thank you for the diagnosis

    I knew there had to be an explanation for all those users I killed.

    Said too much...

  16. Lee

    Thank you

    I needed a good laugh and as always BOFH came through

  17. CockKnocker


    I always wanted tourettes because of the fun you can have, now im thinking about swapping that for Aspergers tho ;)

  18. Bill Cumming
    IT Angle

    Classic Great!!

    "And reading between the lines you're suggesting that working in IT makes you a spiteful vindictive bastard with borderline Aspergers?"

    love that bit! it's so true.. :D

  19. Anonymous Coward

    yes it's been a month and we've all been a bit anxious

    but it's the summer hols in NZ, where I believe the master resides and whilst we've been shivering and suffering credit crunch - he's been enjoying sunshine and errm... other kiwi pursuits (have to be careful with the humour there, CP and all that).

    I'm willing to live with the odd gap in service as long as the service remains this good.

  20. this


    Isn't that some kind of pointy green vegetable that makes your pee smell strange?

    Oh no, that's dyslexia, sorry.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    I've had nothing to do on my friday lunchtimes for so long, I was afraid it had finished!

    As good as ever Simon!

  22. Nick Palmer

    "A title is required." is it?

    "It's more of a sliding scale"???? ROFL! Awesome!

  23. MarmiteToast
    Thumb Down


    zzzz, this is the first BOFH I couldn't be bothered reading to the end... very poor

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    hey, I resemble that remark

  25. Anonymous Coward

    Meddling studios

    The Director's Cut ended at "Fire it up!".

  26. CJ
    Thumb Down


    That was hardly worth a 4week wait. If it is going to be once a month it would be nice if they were a higher standard.

  27. Chronos


    What schedule? He's a busy guy. Things to do, bossen to blackmail, lusers' machines to toast, you know? These things don't write themselves...

    Just thank Eris you got a fix and STFU or Simon may just sod off on a junket and delay the next one deliberately just to wind you ungrateful buggers up. Instead, if you really are that addicted, may I advise those of you who haven't already visit to test your own levels of bastardy?

  28. Scott Silver badge

    Ass Burgers

    I have heard it pronounced that way on occasion. Considering the volume of junk food & coffee that IT workers eat, this may me the right way!

    ps - I am not small and was at McDonalds yesterday too...

  29. amanfromMars Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    IT ...... Your Virtual Friend to Vanquish Personal Foes and Imaginary Phobias

    ...and/or /Intellectual Hurdles/Neural Blocks.

    ""And reading between the lines you're suggesting that working in IT makes you a spiteful vindictive bastard with borderline Aspergers?"

    "If we're talking cause and effect here it might be that being a spiteful vindictive bastard with a mild personality disorder might attract you to IT," I counter, "as opposed to IT making you that way. Leastways, I know it is in my case."

    "So now you're saying that you have it as well?"

    "Absolutely - but over the years my assistant and I have evolved a clear and concise language with which to pass on instructions. For instance, we avoid terms like 'kick the server in the guts', 'give it a bash', 'ok shoot', and a whole host of other phrases which, when subject to literal translation, could be misconstrued."

    Wise Words to Cherish for Sanity in the Crazy Worlds Defined and Running and Run with Binary Code Manipulation for Virtual Machinery Man Management.

    Simon, that was worth the far-too-long-a-wait and the withdrawal pains during the wait. :-)

    Oh dear, does that identify one as a Potential Borderliner into BDSM and Maxxed Out Role Play, or just some who would mention it in Passing Thoughts?

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Gates Horns

    Simon ...

    Keep us waiting again next week and i'll tell PFY to fire you up..

    absolutely awesome, I've not laughed so much for a long long time

  31. Anonymous Coward

    Been awhile

    Been a long wait but you definately picked the right Friday to publish it.

    Damn Sharepoint roll-out is doing my nut in, like I care what users want from the system..... damn I think I might have a touch of the aspergers

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Mark Lockwood

    I thought we already had a name for the horrible affliction - "users"?

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    He's a very literal man

    Quality and full of laughs as per:

    "No, you said, 'OK, give it a bash' - a completely different thing altogether. He's a very literal man, my assistant."

    "No one would mistake 'give it a bash' for 'hit it repeatedly with a hammer'."

    Good work Simon!

  34. Geeks and Lies


    I for one welcome our new Aspergers Overload!

  35. Jesthar

    'Fire it up!' - excellent!

    I was beginning to worry about you, Simon! Nice to see a bit of accomplished boss owned hardware-torturing back on the menu.

    Just one request - please don't make me wait so long for the next one, my last few Friday afternoons seem to have lasted forever!

  36. Dave P
    Thumb Up

    Oh yes!

    Ah well, I feel MUCH better about this month now that I've had a fix of BOFH.

    Now, what mischief can I get up to?

  37. Rosuav
    Thumb Up

    Ahhhhhh life is back to normal again

    We have BOFH! I repeat, we have BOFH!

    (I went and called my brother from his bed as soon as I saw the new episode. And he got up without any hint of resentment.)

    Question: What IS the BOFH's daily lie quota?

  38. Dave
    Thumb Up


    Yes! More BOFH, I am happy that the writer is actually alive and well and hasn't himself become trapped in the tape safe, or had a trip down the stairs, or an accident with the halon system...

    Just please... don't leave it another 4 weeks until the next one!

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    New legal defence of the week...

    Nice, now when I get hauled in front of a judge for property damage I can say aspergers made me do it. (If insanity works for serial killers why not aspergers for me?)

    (we really need a deranged icon)

  40. Newsman

    Ahh... The Master is Back ... ABOUT DANG TIME!

    Very nice touch there Simon. Very worth the wait, but PLEASE... I know it's summer down under, but please don't keep us waiting another month for the next installment! Surely it can't be that hard to find a few minutes every day to work on writing an episode.... I do understand that you've got a life outside of this, but I just have to put in my 2¢ worth and join with those who say "PLEASE don't make us wait another month!"

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Aspergers - good for techies :)

    Over my time working in IT it has become apparent that many of the qualities of a good problem-solver, whether in Operations or Programming lead me to believe that a person who appears to suffer from mild Aspergers is a jolly fine candidate for the job.

    Hell, better, give me a couple of full-on autistics and we'd accomplish miracles of IT - re-write Windows so that it works! Deliver device drivers for Linux. Make Macs cheap!

    They'll be none of that "I've got a social life" disease that occasionally afflicts many of our brightest sparks. Just people who want to work quietly and keep to themselves doing 60 hour weeks behind a keyboard.

    Oh well. Stuck with all these normal people around me. At least I don't have to talk to them often...

  42. Gordon Grant

    Agreed @ Finally!

    I agree Dave, 4 weeks is too long, come on simon I know it's hard to come up with stuff..

    I need my BOFH fix..

    Answer: The BOFH's daily lie quota is what ever he can get away with, boundery push...

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Speaking as one...

    ...IT is a gift to us from the heavens. A field we can often work well in, especially welcome since there are so many fields where you have to do nearly everything by getting *people* to do what you want. Computers at least do what you damned well tell them. In theory, anyway. In the end there's always a discoverable reason why they don't. People on the other hand...

  44. Jeremy

    re: Defense of the week...

    Well if it works for McKinnon.....

    As one, it bugs me no end when people wheel out their new-found diagnosis as a defense in court...

    On the Bastard, more cattle prods and carpet rolls, please Simon!

  45. Anonymous Coward



    Good episode. Not a classic but a good episode.

    Nice standard weekly episode as I've come to love in last couple of years.

    Violence content lowered but good enough.

    But recent ones have been upping the violence towards the old school style and...



    FFS WHY SO LONG??????????????????? WHY THE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I can't take the wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It just might work...

    You don't think that cutting off a BOFHs porn supply might lead to more displays of anti-social behaviors?

  47. SigKill

    Boss? What Boss?

    Is this supposed to be a new Boss? What happened to Mr. Sue Youall?

  48. Anonymous Coward

    BOFH lie quota

    Now *that's* something that ventures into recursion. How many? Would you believe me if I told you? I'm lying about my lying quota now.

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Like a breath of fresh air

    Huzzah for new BOFH. Nice episode as well Simon, I never considered the Aspergers angle. However I think at the end of the day it's not a mental illness that causes us to be anti social, it's clueless end (l)users that do it to us. Either way thanks for lightening up my Friday.

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    "Question: What IS the BOFH's daily lie quota?"

    I think it's more of a sliding scale...

  51. Anonymous Coward

    BOFH's boss could have had him there.

    Instead of

    >""And you expect me to believe this?"

    he should have said

    >"LOLWUT? U has ASSburger's sydrome? HAHAHAHAAAA wait 'til I tell /b/ about this..."

    Cue BOFH and PFY disappearing from sight under a flood of spam, memes, crank phone calls and crudely-drawn Rule 34...

  52. RW

    A question for amanfromMars

    Are you intimating that you are into tentacle sex?

    Sarah! Sarah! Where are you? The goddam suckers on this octopus costume keep jamming when I try to pump them.

    [Line plagiarized from a cartoon by the late Chas. Addams]

  53. J Day


    Simply Brilliant .............


  54. Michael

    The only one?

    Am I the only one that, every time I read "Asperger", in my head I hear "Ass Burger"??

  55. Curtis

    umm... straightjacket for 1 please

    amanfromMars is making sense... and has been for a few weeks now... i need a rubber room

  56. Steve

    After the way some of us treated Simon last month...

    I was afraid we would never see another BOFH! The guy is cranking these out for FREE, does a damn fine job of them and is probably having a hell of a time thinking up 40 story lines a year!

    To all the armchair critics that posted here the last time... Let’s see what you can write as a replacement! Then I'll sit here and grade you on your work. To get a good grade each of your stories must be an original classic and be filed by Friday for the entire year. Remember now, NO slacking even though you're not going to be paid a dime for your efforts.

    Simon thanks for each and every one of your stories. You are truly gifted and have become a very enjoyable part of my life.

  57. scotchbonnet

    It Looks Like...

    ...we're down to a monthly BOFH episode. I have nothing by empathy for Simon - it's tough to keep up a weekly serial and keep it fresh - especially over the period of years, and when it's likely not you're sole source of income.

    El Reg - I'm not saying it's time to move on from BOFH, but maybe it's time to seek out some additional entertainment sources to augment BOFH.

  58. Dave

    He lives a sheltered life in there

    "I mean who the hell keeps lighter fluid and a box of matches on their desk..."

    What you mean you don't?

    I prefer the RPG and a flamethrower myself


  59. Anonymous Coward

    Hopefully he never...

    ...has to use the "Bourne again shell" then. The command prompt may be too much for him to take...

  60. amanfromMars Silver badge

    Softly Softly ....... Hard Core Remote Computer ProgramMIng

    "amanfromMars is making sense... and has been for a few weeks now... i need a rubber room" .... By Curtis Posted Friday 20th February 2009 20:38 GMT


    You may have to consider the possibility and therefore the probability and inevitability that you are getting smarter and are starting to understand Greater Game Concepts for Cloud Control of Binary Systems with GBIrish/PerlyGatesPython ......

  61. 4irw4y

    @ Curtis -

    "...Few men even considered the possibility of BOFH on other planets..."

  62. Ed


    BOFH Rules

  63. R Callan

    Welcome back Simon

    Did Friday's rain drive you off the beach? It bloody pissed down here and the humidity has now got excessive again. Have a couple of cold Waikatos on me (if you can track me down :-)).

  64. skeptical i

    Not just IT, my friends.

    "And reading between the lines you're suggesting that working in IT makes you a spiteful vindictive bastard with borderline Aspergers?"

    Isn't this true of just about all flavors of customer service?

    Flame icon for the hell some people so richly deserve.

  65. Lykofos

    That explains everything!

    So that is the name of that syndrome...

    That also explains I have a hammer in my desk drawer.

  66. PC Paul


    > Am I the only one that, every time I read "Asperger", in my head I hear "Ass Burger"??

    Is 'Ass purger' really any better? When you think about it?

  67. Simon B

    Excellent stuff!

    PMSL, I was off Friday and this has made my Monday lunch time have a smile!

  68. MarkJ

    Sounds like a laxative

    Ass purgers...

    Though if I was the boss then the BOFH would probably make me 5h1t myself.

  69. Matthew Macdonald-Wallace
    Thumb Up

    You sir...

    ... are a legend...

  70. Anonymous Coward


    >"...Few men even considered the possibility of BOFH on other planets..."

    Actually I considered it. I finally decided he probably wouldn't chase me that far, so they should be safe.

  71. confused.brit

    Excuse me just one minute Iam Me

    Aspergers is not a metal illness. One cannot be 'cured' of it. It is classified as a Learning Disability, in that one has a disability to learning about the emotional responses, body language etc of those around them.

    Of all the things to sign up for a Reg account i did not think correcting people about my condition would be one of them....

    Maybe this bollox about it being a mental illness is why noone is giving me a job in any role except for the highly unsuitable field of waitressing...

  72. Jos Kampes


    From another Aspie: Great story once again! I know i often have to double-think what people say... Not as excessive as banging up a computer, but still.

  73. Anonymous Coward



    It was great when it was weekly. :(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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