back to article Doner kebabs: Death wrapped in pitta bread

Those of you with a penchant for the traditional post piss-up English delicacy of doner kebab might do well to keep a defibrillator to hand - if the results of a study by council food standards officers are anything to go by. The Local Authorities Coordinators of Regulatory Services (LACORS) coordinated a doner dragnet in …


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  1. Steve
    Paris Hilton

    ALl they need is a "May Contatin Thingy"

    May contain the following :-




    The rat that was caught eating the leftovers in the bin outside.




    Anything that may be on hand to stick in there

    And my favorite is :-

    And yes i live not too far away from wolvo am glad i am too lazy to que at 1am for a kebab.

    Paris because every one has seen her kebab!

  2. Martin Lyne

    Yes Jade..

    .. we *can* see your kebab.

  3. Anonymous Coward


    It's OK if you buy it with a diet coke.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Man I could do with a doner right now.

    But f--- me some people don't half get paid for such useless and f------ obvious bulls--- and to imagine that the BBC is happy to p--- this obvious trash all over the news but their coverage of the extreme porn law was a 2 minute hand job for the government goons at 10pm.


  5. Carl Williams

    Meat Species?

    '40 per cent of sampled kebabs that provided labelling information did not have an exact declaration for the meat species present'

    I wonder if they tested for Fox, Badger or Squirrel?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Viva kebab

    Hey, miseryguts. It is probably a good idea to have 100% of your daily salt allowance, especially if you've been out on the piss all day (which flushes your electrolytes). Why don't you stop at home sucking on a raw carrot watching X-factor and just leave us kebabtards alone, OK?

  7. Anonymous Coward

    Not declared on the label

    Their kebabs came with labels? Where on Earth were they getting them?


  8. Tim

    Where can i get a job like this?

    "Wanted: Scentists to state the bleedin' obvious when talking about kebabs, Must keep straight face when banging on about how fatty they are and why anyone who has been on a "leo sayer" would care that kebabs are bad for you"

  9. andy
    Thumb Up

    mmm kebab

    I recently bought a donner after a heavy night, had a few bites and then left it festering in my kitchen until the morning. When I looked at it in the morning I thought to myself, WHY OH WHY WOULD I WANT TO EAT THAT?!

    What the article doesn't mention is that people who regularly buy them after a night on the piss do so because of dehydration which is mistaken for hunger. Maybe better with a glass of water, but where's the fun in that? :)

  10. Nic Brough


    The BBC are asking if this report "would put you off eating a Doner Kebab".

    My answer is "No, the look, smell and taste are enough to put me off"

  11. Ash
    Thumb Up

    Chicken kebab?

    Donar (as in organ) kebab meat has always been less than stellar, so I opt for chicken every time.

    Fat drips off, so it's essentially grilled; One of the healthiest ways to eat chicken.

    Shirley Kebab House Chicken Tikka Kebab is a Naan full of W1N after a night out...

  12. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    title stolen

    "Alarmingly, six kebabs tested _positive for pork_ when it had not been declared as an ingredient, of which two were claimed as _Halal_." this is the only alarming part of the report. For a halal shop to even have pork in it is something that won't go down easily with muslims. They will start to make a point of avoiding the said shop. Depending on the percentage of muslims that represent kebab eaters from that shop, it my mean that the shop will go under.

    that aside, did people really think that kebabs were a healthy meal? As my father once told me, it doesn't matter what you eat, if you eat a lot of it and you don't work your body you _will_ be fat, now get off you arse and find something to do.

    any way, this article made my mouth water.... gata go and get meself a doner kebab.

    IT? Kebab is a prime part of our diet, we need to know everything about it

  13. Kane

    I'm sorry....

    ...Labels on kebabs? What kebab shops did they go to? No emporium of the unidentified meat product i've been to sticks a label on 'em.

  14. Andy Enderby

    this is a surprise.....?

    This is a surprise how ? If you're well lubricated, just a guess, but you're not likely to be looking for the salad. It'll be Kebab, chips, curry or maybe a drunk attempt at a fry up. Let's face it, imbibing the demon drink drives to culinary nightmares bearing loads of saturated fats that would have the awful droning Gillian McKeith running for cover. Good. Long may she keep running, her and her little sandwich boxes of unholy stench.

    Of course, if you're sober and tucking into such fare on a regular basis I would argue that it's time to learn to cook, and home made, healthier, less greasy and far tastier kebabs are definitely on my diet sheet. Or check out the terms of your life insurance. It's worth knowing who will benefit and by how much....

    Kebabs - like bush tucker, you can live on it, but........Best not.

  15. Richard Cartledge


    'Dietary calorie' is the second biggest hoax of the 20th century!

    It was developed to measure the efficiency of steam boilers not how fat food makes you. The body doesn't incinerate food in a fire, it chemically processes and metabolises it and the two are only coincidentally loosely correlated. That's why if you eat charcoal such as charred bran which is high in calories, you will lose weight rather than gain it. What's more, if you intake lots of calories in one meal, the body can only metabolise a certain amount of it. Despite me claiming that calories are a myth anyway, to get a meaningful measurement you would have to measure calories in the food and calories in the excrement to get any meaningful figure. If you eat a whole box of chocolates at once, it's probably better than eating a few out of the box per day, due to the ineffectiveness of your body to metabolise all of that sugar and fat at once.

  16. jim
    Thumb Up

    One meal a day

    "..98 per cent of daily salt, nearly 1000 calories"

    That means that you only need to eat a Doner a day to get your daily allowances.

    Excellent. That'll save on the cooking at home then :)

  17. Mad Mike
    Thumb Up

    Another weapon of war

    Bearing in mind a Kebab is basically deadly, couldn't we fight wars this way. Drop some 'humanitarian' aid and wait a few years?

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    More scaremongering

    everything in moderation: the ODD kebab won't kill you, just don't eat them every day, easy.

    Paris, we've all seen her kebab.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    Shock Horror! Small and large Doner the same size!

    Living in the home of the kebab in Turkey I am saddened by the situation in the UK. Everything is done by weight here. 50gr 100gr 150gr. Order of events is traditionally its done the other way. Kebab first *then* get lashed up (or not). Thus allowing you to drink vastly more beer and also leaving more time for the development of carrot chunks. (where do they come from?)

    As for death wrapped in Pitta I thought it was common knowledge along the lines of "Smoking is bad! MmmKayyy!"

    Paris for the obvious reasons :)

  20. Joe
    Thumb Up

    Shish Kebab ftw

    Not just for health reasons, but also because they don't taste like chilli anus

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Look here people....

    ...we know that a doner is not the height of cuisine and is stuffed with things that are not too good for you, but sometimes the need for a chilli-sauce laden meat and salad based bread wrapped food item is sufficiently strong that it could prevent you passing over the event horizon into a black hole!

    Stuff official disapproval, I'll enjoy myself how I like and if it hastens my demise then it will have been worth it.

    Remember, the object of living is not to put a perfectly functioning body into your coffin!

  22. Suburban Inmate

    What about the Shish?

    I'd like to see comparisons with my usual, a large Shish with no sauces and all the salad.

    Obviously, this is only palatable when prepared in a fresh homemade pitta with quality lean lamb by a reputable vendor of fine Turkish cuisine. Cue shameless plug of my favourite restaurant:

    Flame grilled, of course.

  23. DJ
    IT Angle

    I remember a C4 program

    where an attractive young lady went on a kebab a day for a fortnight diet, she turned into your average spotty overweight chavette in 14 days.

  24. TeeCee Gold badge

    I see.

    Is the Department of the Bleedin' Obvious trying to spend all its funds before the next budget round or something?

    It's be funny if it wasn't our f***ing money they'd wasted on producing these earth-shatteringly unexpected results.

    Sarcasm may well be the lowest form of wit, but these time-serving tossers don't deserve anything better.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    >The study found a major issue with food labelling,

    What sort of wuss buys a kebab with a label, let alone reads it?

  26. dervheid



    Who would have thought it?

    Only surprise here is that people were (presumably) paid for this.

    "Doner Dragnet"

    Now there's an unpleasant image!

  27. John Mangan
    IT Angle

    And the surprise is . . . . ?

    Is any one really shocked by these findings? Really?!

  28. Benny
    Thumb Down

    I believe

    this is called the 'no shit sherlock' news

  29. Steve

    Not called salmonella-on-a-stick for nothing...

    Well, according to

    the inventor made it to 84 years old, so it can't be all /that/ bad for you...

  30. Kae Verens

    women's daily requirements?

    I wonder why are these numbers measured relative to women's daily requirements - whenever I think of someone going for a kebab, it's usually someone male.

    Or maybe it's for shock value? Why not recalculate the numbers with children's daily requirements instead! Or a kitten's - that would make the numbers even bigger!

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I'd be quite happy to eat rabbit, hearts or liver. I hear rat is actually quite tasty, the only reason people don't usually eat it is that there's barely more than a mouthful of meat on it. I might draw the line at cat or dog though. I hear cat is greasy and unpalatable, making them an utterly pointless species.

    Anyway, isn't the point of a kebab that it is the food your body craves after alocohol - lots of salt to replace lost electrolytes and lots of fat which gets emulsified by the alcohol still slushing about in your stomach, thus slowing its absorption into the gut. The fat also acts as an energy store for your liver to break down the alcohol in your bloodstream and related acids, esters and other compounds found in beer, wine, etc. This goes half way towards mitigating the hangover you'll have the next morning. The other half of the way is buying the second kebab to have for breakfast. Yum!

    (Anon because I don't want to attract the attention of the animal rights loonies)

  32. 3x2

    What exactly

    did people think they were getting? FFS they could make them exclusively from lard and salt and I would still eat one. Can't wait for nanny's campaign on TV. Pissed? Hungry? desperate for a fag? ... don't order a fuck ton of lard !

  33. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: women's daily requirements?

    Well, either it's because 1000 is a nice round number to compare directly with a woman's daily calorie requirement which provides a clear and easily-comprehended point of comparison and illustration and that despite the fact that it's most likely men who are the consumers in this instance, or IT'S SOME KIND OF NEWS CONSPIRACY BY THE FEMINAZI RULE OF LAW OMG.

    How can you live your life being suspicious of everything? It's not healthy. We'll have to put you on a 'take one thing a day at face value' diet.

  34. Joe

    @ ASH

    "Shirley Kebab House Chicken Tikka Kebab is a Naan full of W1N after a night out..."

    Surely you mean a Naan full of H5N1?

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    >> It makes a difference where in the UK you buy your kebab, as the North West averaged over

    >> 1,100 calories per kebab, while in Northern Ireland and London the figures were more modest at

    >> 843 and 912 calories per kebab.

    As they hadn't already stated be bleeding obvious enough, they had to go on and mention that you get better value for money in The North than you do in London.

    What would have made this report interesting is if they had put some comparisons in this - e.g. how do the traffic lights compare to a typical (not the lite option) Italian meal or Indian meal (probably about the same IMHO), how does the small mammal content compare with a chinese takeaway, how do the traffic lights comare to a BK Triple Whopper, or a Tesco triple cheese and onion sandwich or a lamb/chicken shish kebab.

  36. Richard

    I don't eat kebabs

    They violate my "Don't eat food that must be shaved before consumption" rule.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    But the kebab invented in by that chap was real chunks of meat pushed onto the skewer, roasted and carved off, most definitely not the horrid elephant's food thingy usually pushed. But since the real thing would cost a lot more than most consumers can afford after a night in the pub I guess the MI on a stick is here to stay.

  38. Anonymous Coward

    Now with added

    halal pork...

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    is it not all a bit irrelevant...

    Given that the vast majority of kebabs are discarded part-eaten at the nearest available paving stone, or are eaten then promptly thrown straight back up, does it really matter how many calories are in them?

    It does explain the obesity epidemic in rats though, as well as why tramps are looking stockier these days.

  40. Dan S

    manufacturers' labels

    I know everyone is laughing at the idea of kebabs being labelled, but manufacturers do actually label the kebab meat. That's how the kebab house knows what type of meat it is. So if the labels don't reflect the contents then you potentially end up with Muslims inadvertently eating/handling pork or non-halal meat.

  41. Edward Miles


    If that's how bad a kebab is WITHOUT salad, what is my post pub Donner meat and chips, no salad, chilli sauce and can of coke?

    I was gonna work it out but I just got hungry. Mmmmm donner meat....

  42. gareth

    um so what if the ebab has high calories and fat etc

    the fact that most people buying one will have drank several pints of beer (guess 10 over a 4 hour session @~200 calories a pint) they have already ingested twice that many calories anyway.

    and the recovery advantage of the salad has not been taken into account

    all that alcohol (and probabily drunken dancing) will cause you to loose a lot of water and salts which the salt, salad and chilli will help replace. the sugar and the fats will give you an energy boost to processes the alcohol you have consumed. the only thing missing as a hangover cure is fluids to replace that lost via the diuretic effects of the alcohol

    and is there a comparison between donor kebabs and burgers as i would be interested to see what the difference is

    i also though that most people realised that donor meat was a random assortment of just about anything and usually not describable as meat but more assorted animal bits and so what if it is until 40 years ago people regularly ate pigs ears, trotters, and trip its only in recent times that these foods have fallen at the way side

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Richard Cartledge : Calories

    I was suspicious of that too, having observed the failure of my body to fully process sweetcorn on occasion, however, it seems that the calorie counts on food are corrected for dietary efficiency and the bomb calorimeter is only the starting point.

    (Yes, wikipedia, so it's probably wrong.)

    I notice that this is different to what we were taught at school.

    Do teachers not know about this or are they deliberately going for the simple explanation through laziness?

  44. Philip Bune
    Dead Vulture

    So what being said

    So what they are saying Women DON'T eat Kebabs, leave it to the blokes, to suffer salt poisoning, clogged arteries & every thing else.

  45. This post has been deleted by its author

  46. David Hicks

    Shish/Chicken Shish

    I rarely eat kebabs (though have been getting worse lately) but when I do it's lamb or chicken shish.

    Nothing to do with the calorie count, more that they cook it there in front of you, not at some indeterminate time in the past, sinec when it's been sitting there, lukewarm and breeding filth.

    That and the fact that I'm sure doner is made from stray dogs.


    Tux, because, well, who knows what's in 'em?

  47. twat
    Black Helicopters

    re:chilli anus

    Have you tasted a chilli anus? No, on second thoughts don't answer that

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    98 per cent of daily salt and 148 per cent of daily saturated fat

    Mmmm...saturated fat and salt. You're making me crave a kebab!

  49. Rich Silver badge

    NO SHIT!?

    And there was I thinking donnas were positively healthy!

    How stupid am I? Duh!!!!

  50. Fluffykins Silver badge

    kebab with meat $0.50

    Kebab with named meat $1

    With apologies and thanks to Mr Pratchett

    And where's the discworld icon?

  51. Yorkshirepudding

    no shit?

    really they are unhealthy? well yank my plank most people arnt thinking that at 2 in the morning pissed out of their skulls. normally i get burger instead not that thats probably any better

    there is a place in liverpool with a poster in the window produdly displaying an ISO9001 certified istanbul donner kebab WTF??

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    ibs rocks

    I can have a donner kebab, and within 5 minutes of finishing it I spend 5 minutes spraying it out of my arse until empty: i.e. no guilt from 200% salt, fat, calories, just 100% of the tastey goodness!

    Local kebab shops are too far for me to eat and make it back home before the eruption, so I usually skip the kebab part of a night out.

  53. Paul Naylor
    Thumb Down


    So they've banned smoking from pubs, they're telling us not to drink because it's bad for us. You can't eat kebabs and if you have sex you get arse cancer. Is there anything fun left to do on a Friday night??

    Coming up next: research to suggest that talking bollocks with your mates in the pub causes Altzheimers. Or something...

  54. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: ibs rocks

    Thank you for that thoughtful and enlightening contribution, AC. I'd say get well soon but you seem to have embraced your condition. Er, good for you?

  55. Danny

    mmm Kebabs

    You just cant beat a mystery meat kebab though. Did anyone seriously think those elephant legs were lamb? Really?


    I fancy a kebab now and ive not even drank anything.

  56. Paul M.

    @AC 15:08 GMT

    So you're renting it, really.

  57. Michael Miller

    Oh Doner Kebabs

    Where were you when I was young?

    We had to make do with foot long hotdogs covered in cheese, chili, and hot peppers followed by the mystery meat and bean burritos.

    "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters. "

  58. Peyton

    Wow - the gloves came off for this one

    This has truly been a fascinating glimpse into the diet of your average Reg commentor. O_O wow. IBS... "eaten then promptly thrown straight back up"... "carrot chunks" (wtf??)... "arse cancer"

    I almost hate to admit it, but today's comments had me rolling (maybe it's like how a Rob Zombie horror flick is more funny than scary?) kudos guys

  59. Anonymous Coward

    Re: ibs rocks

    I've just been violently sick - you owe me (well, technically my work) a keyboard!

  60. Ben Mathews

    Healthy Option

    I always have a shish anyway :p

  61. Smallbrainfield
    Thumb Up

    Definitely having a kebab next time I'm out for a drink.

    It's like a kind of slow acting Fugu.

    I love kebabs, but I do miss the tandoori kebab. You don't see them much these days.

  62. Law

    But the glass is half full?!

    Surely we should look at this as value for money... I mean, almost 100% your RDA of salt, fat and 50% RDA of calories.... seems like a bargain to me... *shrugs*

    Get Terry Tibs on it!!

  63. Secretgeek

    re: ibs rocks

    I'm guessing you have a kebab shop pretty close to your house then?

    I can imagine the reaction from the lucky lady you pull when 5 mins after your kebab and probably two mins into your drunken fumbling (allowing 3 min for ciggie) in an alley when your arse explodes.


  64. Fluffykins Silver badge

    In the interests of furthering dietary correctness

    I'm working on healthy options for some dishes. My main project at the moment is to perfect the Cream Cake Salad.

    My results conclusively suggest that the salad element is best served on a separate plate and, preferably, to someone else in a different building.

  65. Anonymous Coward

    Imbibed with me döner

    I remember a foray for after-pint consumables in Glasgow once, which led me to an ashet* pie, replete with chips.

    And by the Lord Harry, if you think that döner special from Turkish Express across the road gives your arteries a bruising, let me assure you - they're clinging on for dear life after such a Caledonian culinary road accident of sliced potato swimming / drowning in gravy.

    [*] From the French, 'asciette' .

  66. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    RE: ibs rocks

    Fantastic! By far the most sensible viewpoint expressed and with such pretty imagery too.

    Is that you Sarkoid?


  67. Stevie

    Shock Horror Probe

    Doner kebabs 100% fatal to lambs.

    Film at eleven.

  68. FoamingToad

    @Michael Miller - 15:44

    Off-topic I know, but kudos for the quote.

    'Fess up though - do you know it from Doctor and the Crippens, or Motel Hell?

  69. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Damn it all, you have me craving something from the "UDA Kebab Shop" on Donegal Road in Belfast. The only kebabs I'd willingly eat when I wasn't bollixed drunk.

    Now where the hell am I going to find a big greasy doner with kebab sauce in the middle of the afternoon in East Jesus, Nowhere, Appalachia U-S-A?

  70. John Ozimek
    Paris Hilton

    Spicy Squirrel

    All very well testing for squirrel. Walkers are in the process of producing their annual selection of bizarre flavours and have just come out with a range of crisps that include the aforementioned spicy squirrel.

    Bought a packet, looked very carefully at the ingredients - and was horrified to discover NO squirrel listed at all. I shall be taking this up with Walkers at the earliest possible moment.

    Paris - as I wonder whether she has a taste for more unusual flavours such as squirrel - or beaver.

  71. Geoff Kennedy

    Donner Kebabs?

    Coming from the left side of the pond, the headline reminded me of the "Donner Party" for some reason...

  72. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ibs rocks

    Umm that is what we in the states call "over share". Some things are best kept private bud and that was definitely a revelation that didn't need to make it to public. But as Sarah said, Good for you??

  73. Pierre

    So... salt: Check. Proteins:Check. Fat: Check. Carbs: Check. Where's the problem?

    Sounds like the perfect dude's balanced diet to me (though maybe missing a bit in the beer department, but it can be taken care of). Plus they conveniently spread some atoms of salad and tomato on top, so that when you later tell the missus you ate veggies, you're not even technically lying. Now why would "they" compare that to the recommended diet for an average woman is beyond me (I don't know about the UK, but usually the average recommended calorie intake for a man is about 2 times greater than for a woman).

    A large kebab with harrissa plus fries for me please. And pass the salt.

  74. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Over here a kebab is served on a skewer

    or at least cooked on one. They are relatively lean as the fat cooks off while the kebab is grilled over a fire.

    Took me a while to find out what you all were talking about. In the US we call those things Gyros. They come with yogurt sauce.

  75. Paul George

    Donner Kebab

    Being a 'murrican I misread the title, figuring a reference to the Donner Party.

    Shades of Sweeny Todd!

  76. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Bon appetit!

    Some comments in here were definitely worth it for the induced flashbacks to alt.tasteless (if anyone still knows what that is/was). Good job, gentlemen and moderatrice.

  77. Adrian Esdaile
    Thumb Up

    You can get PORK kebabs?

    As Vyvian would say "THATS BLOODY BRILLIANT!"

    I want one.

  78. Mr Larrington

    Next week...

    ...scientists will confirm that water is indeed wet. They are also hoping to receive funding for their project to investigate whether fire is hot.

  79. Andy


    There are some flaws in the calorie system but they're not as bad as Richard Cartledge makes out. As JonB pointed out, there are weighting factors involved which account for some of the body's 'inefficiency' in processing food but they only work to a certain extent.

    Most food, if chewed up properly before swallowing, will provide the body with the calories the manufacturers claim it will. Some foods which are particularly difficult to digest such as those which are hard (nuts) and those which come in a tough cellulose wrapper (sweetcorn) will pass almost untouched through the body if not chewed.

    Further, the weighting effects fail to take due regard for dietary fibre (which is simply counted as carbohydrate 'cos that's what it looks like in a machine) so if something is high in fibre (all bran and their ilk) then the calorie count will be way off.

    A kebab isn't difficult to digest and doesn't contain a great deal of dietary fibre and so, it will indeed provide you with way more calories than the body needs at any one moment in time.

    As for 'eating lots of chocolates in one sitting is better for you than eating a couple every so often' that is pure arse gravy of the highest order. Firstly the calories in chocolate are pretty easily absorbed and if you have an excess in the body then they will be turned into storage (fat) but secondly, you may notice that if you have a large meal you feel fuller for longer because the rate of passage through the body is controlled so that the maximum absorption can take place. Fatty meals sit in the stomach longer because it takes the body longer to deal with them. High carb and high protein meals get processed much quicker. The body will still take in as much of the nutrition as it can and, if there is an excess, it will be stored as fat.

  80. SteveMD

    Another dumb study

    There is no evidence that salt causes high blood pressure, cutting down on salt may be even more dangerous than eating two or three times your daily "allowance". Saturated fat is not "poison", in fact, contrary to accepted dogma, it will do less harm than poly-unsaturated fats. There is no credible evidence that saturated fat causes heart disease or any kind of cardio-vascular problems. As for the quality of the meat products, how many of these tested kebabs were found to have levels of dangerous bacteria high enough to cause food poisoning? The only cause for concern is the level of calories consumed, on top of the large amount in most alcoholic drinks. Having said that, the evidence tends to suggest that saturated fats have a markedly greater effect on controlling, or lessening the appetite, than most other food types, so, on the whole, eat it and forget it.

  81. Jon Pick
    Thumb Down


    You can't get Shish Kebabs in Halifax. :-(.

    This sucks. And blows.

    Unless someone can please please prove me wrong.

  82. Neil Johnstone
    Thumb Up

    Kebabs 101

    There's a bit of confusion here about what a "Doner kebab" actually is.

    The elephant's leg slowly rotating on the vertical spit warmed to germ breeding optimal temperature is the beast (beast cocktail) on which the article is based.

    I've spent a while living in Germany and these are the "rules" there.

    An AC said that it was a Gyros. In Der Vaterland Gyros is the strips of marinaded pork on a vertical and cooked 'till the outside goes crispy, sliced into little chunks and serves in a fluffy pitta bread, with tsatsiki and feta melted on it for a proper mouth-gasm. These are made by the Greek guys.

    The Turks make Doner Kebap which is like the UK, but with far better meat and, yes, served on a plate with sauces. Not even a hint of pig therein.

    It used to be a favourite hobby of mine to watch a new intake of young squaddies get munted on beer they don't know, look for the only words they think they understand - "Doner" and "Kebap", order up and sit at a table to wait.

    When the lovingly prepared and presented snack is placed in front of them on a plate with a knife and fork the general response is "What the fuck's this shit supposed to be then?"

    A whole lot better than the shit we eat at home mate, that's what.

    Hungry now. When's the next Eurostar?

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