back to article BOFH: A safe bet

"It's a Christmas miracle!" the PFY gasps, opening the safe door after our extended Christmas break to find... nothing. "Hardly," I say, reaching down to the floor of the safe to retrieve a business card from amongst the coins and cards than no doubt fell out of the Boss's wallet. "Secure Safe Services. Protected Storage …


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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    As above

  2. D@v3
    Thumb Up

    its been worth the wait

    'nuff said

  3. MarkP

    Welcome back!

    I was beginning to think something had happened to our beloved BOFH. Good to see he hasn't been downsized yet.

  4. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    that leaves me puzzled

    He can't be that stupid after all, can he? Doesn't deserve any better.


  5. Andrew Hart


    The Bastard is back! Was worried for a while...

    Mines the one with the BOFH archive in the pocket

  6. Ferry Boat

    A safe bet indeed

    Welcome back from your long Christmas holiday. I wish mine was that long. Hummm... that statement rings a bell.

  7. AliBaBa


    whatever happened to the clever stories where revenge wasn't a simple resort to killing? How dull, the boss annoys you - kill him, a helldesk geek gets on your nerves - kill them, a salesman won't stop pestering you - kill him, you can't get that summertime junket due to board level staff - kill them , beancounters start snooping into your affairs - kill them.

    There you go BOFHtards, there's 2009 and beyonds storylines for you.

  8. Jamie Kephalas


    Good story to start the year on.

    As ever, thanks Simon!!

    Pub anyone?

  9. Edward Miles


    ...but shouldn't this be episode 1?

  10. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Nice...

    Oh yes.

  11. Gordon Grant
    Thumb Up

    Ah the "dawn of false hope"....

    Okay so the BOFH and PFY got sloppy but the Boss is dumb enough to believe them that it will all be nice and cosy this year, which it will then mysterious things will happen, like the bosses bank account showing money from the "outsource" company, that then just as mysterious is wired to an "off shore" account....

    A slow start to the year, probably due to the PFY and BOFH sleeping off the excesses of christmas and re-wording the "excuse calander for 2009" just incase they users are getting smarter.

  12. Geeks and Lies
    Thumb Up

    I miss the good ol' days

    but its still a great read. have been waiting since, like, forever for this one!

  13. Ian Ferguson

    I still like these but

    the early stories were better.

    Can't you kill off the PFY? The early BOFH would have got sick of him long ago.

  14. kenzie

    Some love...

    For our BOFH-writing overlord :)

  15. Nermal
    Thumb Down

    Poor and late.

    Well I had about given up on this and then I read it and wish I hadn't.


  16. Duckorange
    Dead Vulture

    Thank God you're back

    Just popping out to bump off the 'Dull, dull, dull' crowd.

    Pickaxe handle. Tin bath. Sack of quicklime.

    Back soon.

  17. Viet

    *ding dong* Mr AliBaBa's...

    ... new shinny laptop has been delivered ; he can come collect it at our procurement desk, that's been moved to the old tape vault in the basement during the holidays. *ding dong*

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    A months wait for this?

    BOFH shuts safe door on boss, rinse, repeat. Well we are in an age of recycling i guess.

    A disapointing start maybe - or a precursor to something much bigger?

  19. Anonymous Coward

    THIS was the same guy...?

    ...who was clever enough to uncover the whole double-sized server room scam last episode? And I suppose he's still kept THAT whole matter completely to himself all this time, too.

    I gotta admit, I kinda yearn for the days when handing out ludicrously bad tech advice and then sitting back as events took care of themselves was reward enough.

  20. Ferry Boat


    You are just a basket case.

  21. Richard Thomas
    Thumb Up

    There's only one thing funnier than BOFH...

    ...and that's all the *tards complaining about it not being funny. It's free, and it's the ONLY IT-related piece of entertainment that is in any way entertaining.

    Apart from the IT Crowd.

    No I was right the first time, it's the ONLY IT-related piece of entertainment that is in any way entertaining.

    Get over yourselves, or get in the tape safe with the Boss.

  22. Marc
    Thumb Up

    re: There's only one thing funnier than BOFH...

    I totally agree with you.

    Been a fan of the BOFH for some 7-8 years now and I always look forward to it. I've even had the pleasure of speaking to Simon once or twice.

    They're fantastic stories, keep up the good work Simon.

  23. hi_robb

    To all the whingers saying it's crap

    Well I enjoyed it and am very glad it's back again, I was wondering where BOFH had vanished off to.

    But for those whinging gits who are saying it's crap here's your reason.

    The writers PC was affected by electromagnetic interference from nylon under pants which caused his PC to die. He then had to completely re-write the episode in 1 hour to get it in for todays deadline.

    /slinks off to wire a PC someones keyboard u pto the mains.

  24. AliBaBa

    You tards just don't get it....

    I've been a BOFH fan since it started, it's just that it isn't that good anymore. Anyone who compares this years first effort with anything from when BOFH started and still maintains that this is fantastic (which is most of you sheep out there will), well you must be brain dead. The old BOFH would have gotten rid of the PFY long before now for being too great competition, and the PFY? surely no longer PF and definately not a Y.

    You losers make me sick, you'd probably rave about ST's shopping list if he posted it as a BOFH story. Be objective, just because something *was* good doesn't mean that it always will be.

  25. Barry

    Would you rather have nothing?

    If you weren't satisfied with today's story, I think I see one that is more entertaining. It's right there on the floor, next to that roll of carpet. Go on, pick it up. --KZEEEEEERT!--

    Can someone help me get this carpet into the lift? It's heavy.

    Thanks, Simon, for another installment! I've been missing my BOFH.

  26. Big_Boomer Silver badge


    Ahhhhh, the week is complete!

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Can someone answer: why boss not phone police, eh?

  28. Bo Pedersen
    Thumb Up

    I have to agree with the pre-cursor thing

    who's to say next episode an Ally of the boss turns up, causing a premature opening of the safe door, and a still - alive boss having to be circumvented at every step.

    I am still a believer, and I found in the past that Actual BOFH methods can be used to a certain extent :)

    Keep em coming, just made a terrible week better.

  29. Jesthar
    Thumb Up

    Yay - BOFH is back!

    I was beginning to think Simon had been locked in the tape safe himself!

    Oh, and as somoene who has read every BOFH multiple times, pehaps this isn't a classic (as a large number of last years were), but we haven't had a good tape safeing (or even a death!) for a while, and this was nicely done in the face of a challenging Boss intelligent enough to escape the first time round!

    And you can't get rid of the PFY (and for anyone debating the 'Youth' designation, HOW long has Bart Simpson been in fourth grade? ;) ) - a BOFH has to go a long way to find an offsider he can trust. Although when I say 'trust', that's not to say the BOFH isn't constantly watching his back for potential knifings from his machiavellian counterpart... ;)

  30. Peter Lawrence
    Thumb Up


    Thanks Simon, your stories, as always, are appreciated!

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Right then

    Simon I dunno if you know this but some of us were beginning to think you'd signed some big hollywood movie deal and forgot about us little people =P. But good to have BOFH back, my week is now complete and I can't wait to see what the new year brings.


  32. Pierre

    Decent work but

    How come the BOFH and PFY didn't get a visit from the coppers during the break? And if we admit that the boss did'nt call the pigs but just security, how come they were allowed to enter the building? I know there must be a good reason somewhere around, but I can't find it.

    Also, I remember a time when the BOFH would just have done the e-mail thing whithout warning, ridiculing the smug boss instead of killing him. Having him sent to the nearest, erm, "retreat" would have been a plus.

    Anyway, good to see the BOFH is still alive and kicking. Keep it up!

  33. Anonymous Coward

    Frankly, I'm surprised

    That the boss didn't have a nasty fall in the stairwell, smelling of spirits.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Bring back the comedy, please.

    When the stories are clever and funny, one can find humour even in murder. This story is neither clever nor funny, so it's just plain ugly, IMO. Someone who had not seen any previous BOFH stories would not guess that this was a comedy series.

  35. David Haig
    Thumb Up

    This may not be a classic ...

    ... but thank you Simon for livening up my Fridays for many years, both online and in print.

    It must be very difficult to produce 40+ articles every year and make each one a classic but I for one appreciate every one. Keep up the good work Simon

  36. SigKill

    Woke up this morning...

    This week's issue kinda looks like a screenplay for a Sopranos episode.

  37. Michael

    Anonymous Coward 18:54

    "Someone who had not seen any previous BOFH stories would not guess that this was a comedy series."

    Surely the onus is on such individuals to go read some (all) of the archived BOFH stories from the last several years, if they're unsure of the comedic context (or lack thereof) of the BOFH. It's always been fairly dark humour -- I don't see any reason why it should stop now.

    And of course, there's always thepoint that when you don't pay for something, you don't really have any place complaining about it.

  38. scotchbonnet

    Wodehouse Had The Same Problem

    I've been a BOFH fan for several years now.

    But I have to say - it's damned hard to continue to be clever and engaging story after story - P.G. Wodehouse had the same problem with his Jeeves and Bertie Wooster characters over time.

    Maybe Ricky Gervais had it right when he walked away from the original "The Office" before it had gotten tiresome and totally predictable. All credits to him. Unfortunately, the money that the American Network which carries the Yank spin-off must have clouded Ricky's judgment because their new season of the show is unwatchable crap.

    Time to retire BOFH and find another entertainment vehicle? Some funny video, perhaps? A good cartoonist? Naked ladies? Just thinking out loud...

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    PFY's promotion

    And next week will be the story about how the PFY and said tools, free the boss and leave evidence indicating that the exorbitant outsourcing company had Simon to try to kill the Boss because he found another much cheaper outsourcing company (run by the PFY with silent investor, the Boss)

    The BOFH is getting sloppy and complacent. A little challenge should whip him back into shape.

    AC because i don't want to be assigned to the tape safe air-tight inspection team.

  40. Anonymous Coward


    You know I've had several bottles of wine, and I can still type. Something must be wrong..

    However, I'm still not sad enough to drool over SB* !

    [*] Actually, I am, but I'd get killed if this got out.

  41. Viet
    IT Angle

    @scotchbonnet : speaking of Wodehouse...

    ... I've recently indulged into the Mortdecai trilogy by Bonfiglioli. Style is pretty close, it's witty, weird, wicked, un-PC and funny as hell. Highly recommended reading. It's not exactly news as the first part was published in 1972, but it has just been translated into french, and after reading the first chapter in my native tongue, I went straight to my little english bookstore to order the real thing.

    IT? because reading a 30+ years old book without a single computer to be seen anywhere is somewhat refreshing.

  42. Rebecca Putman
    Dead Vulture

    I'm glad I'm not the only one...

    ...who was worried about the BOFH's whereabouts.

    I attempted to use the email link to send him a message, and got a bounce saying something about not having anyone to send the email to.

  43. Rafael

    Where are them PPT warriors

    Me. personally, would love best to have BOFH tangle those @@##%%&& PPT.warriors that come over and say: " I've that great idea,...."

    You say: "Where is the CPU /Tb/ .." And they say "No big deal, it's approved by the Board , and you can use..."

    BeanCounters are staple food nowadays, danger comes from Marketing / PR.

    Keep up them ideas flowing.

  44. Lykofos
    Thumb Up

    Ah yes, my week ends on a good note...

    Finally got around to registering after reading this column for the past 8 years. Anyway, I am glad to see the BOFH in his usual form. Its rather nice way to end the week.

  45. bob

    piece of exelence

    and i like BOFHtards

  46. Nathanael Bastone
    Thumb Up

    Just got the time to write a comment today

    Im glad to see BOFH back with a classic BOFH, but wonder if it was merely coincidence that it was published the day after I commented about the whereabouts of the BOFH? :P Credit all to the Reg team of course.

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Talking about the PF thats still too Y

    He passed his Bastards exam ages ago.. shouldn't he have been graduated to Bastardly Little Git or BLG at least?

  48. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Just got the time to write a comment today

    Bien sur. We don't do anything without the say-so of our readers.

  49. Adam West


    More humour, less pointless murder please.

  50. Chris
    Thumb Up

    I lol'd

    Very funny Simon!

    I'm surprised by posters saying that the BOfH killing all his enemies is somehow a deviation from the "original" stories. If you go way back to the very first ones he's always electrocuting those who offend him.

  51. Chris

    @ AliBaBa

    We could say the same about your post. The first sentence is great, the rest; complete and utter bollocks.

    I bid you good day, sir!

  52. Christoph R. Hawley

    A Momentary Lapse of Holiday

    Dear PFY,

    No, no, no. "It's an *EASTER* miracle!" is the traditional comment, if you must tread that path.

  53. Sridhar Ayengar
    Thumb Down


    No tape safe worth its salt passes radio waves anyway. Hell, the *room* my tape safe is *in* is a pretty effective Faraday Cage.

  54. L. W.

    Better some BOFH than NO BOFH

    Stopping by to show some more love for Simon and his twisted alter-ego(s). I would like to see all the ones complaining try and come up with a set of characters and storyline for one writing, let alone the number of years that Simon has been doing this. In addition, I have also had the pleasure of exchanging emails with Simon as a fan of the BOFH and have found him to be very gracious and polite... if the first storyline of the year starts off a bit slow, thats fine, as I know from experience that things will pick up as the storyline progresses.

    BOFH episodes are like Pizza... when they're good, they're great, and even when they're so-so. they're still pretty good!!

    Now wheres that file that Simon emailed me and wanted me to click o%ü╟╠╬è█Σ∩√Ç..............

  55. Chaitanya

    Simon Travaglia goes on vacation... slips into chaos.

  56. steward

    Has the new boss done a pre-emptive strike?

    1 BOFH in 5 weeks: has he been pre-emptively locked in the safe?

  57. SigKill

    What now?

    I hope the author was not discouraged by the criticism.

    Hell, I *need* my weekly BOFH!

  58. Newsman

    What's up with the BOFH?

    Are we down to only one story per month now? C'mon, Simon... say it ain't so! :(

    I don't want to come across as trying to tell Simon what to write or when, just asking a question.

    Please... don't make us wait another couple weeks for a new episode of the BOFH!

  59. Anonymous Coward


    Why hasn't this appeared in the BOFH archive on El'Reg????

  60. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Archive?

    It should be there now. Email us if it's not there by Monday.

  61. Dave
    IT Angle


    I'm still waiting for Simon and the PFY to get a female assistant. Fortunately, for those of us in the I/T profession, women have joined our ranks (Unfortunately, for those of us in the I/T profession, the women in the I/T profession are just as crude and anti-social as the BOFH is!).


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