back to article Serial commentard vents steam through ears

It appears that database guru and serial commentard Aaron Kempf is off his medication again, following a brief lull in which he apparently managed not to insult anyone over the interwebs and end up in court for his trouble. For those of you hitherto blissfully unaware of the existence of Mr Kempf, he's got a bit of previous …


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  1. Bad Beaver
    Black Helicopters

    damn globalization

    The Chinese are munching up all the froggies, so dried frog pills are really, really hard to come by these days.

  2. Hollerith

    or... about a Muslim woman, pal? Or a 'socialist' woman? Or a right-wing, pro-capitalist Muslim? Or a lesbian right-wing Christian? Or a moose-hunting Islamist Muslim gay man? Or a pro-abortion pro-capitalist straight Christian (oh, that's Obama)

    I'm only trying to see what colours of steam-from-the-ears i could provoke!

  3. blackworx
    Thumb Up

    Kill kill kill kill kill the trolls! Hunt them down, there shall be no clemency!

    "I would rather have a woman than a muslim" Aaron, you say that it like it'd be the lesser of two evils.

    Way to go on insulting half the world plus every male muslim in the space of nine short words! Keep it coming.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Yee Haaaa

    Them thar red-necks are sure biting tonight Billy-Joe!

  5. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Kill kill kill kill kill the trolls! Hunt them down, there shall be no clemency!

    I would just like to say I am honoured and privileged to be in the position of moderating comments on this thread. And when I say 'honoured and privileged' I mean 'oh God kill me now'.

  6. alan
    Paris Hilton

    Rather a women than a muslim

    fair dos, if that where he stands on that issue.

    But what where does he stand on a women or barrack obama who is a christian??

    Paris becuase I too would rather have a women, but i think my reasons maybe different :)

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    How nice

    Remind me again which country is the "Land of the Free" where people can escape religious persecution ?

    I'm opening a book on how long it is before the septics re-visit their tradition of popping a cap on the new president.

    Any takers?

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Always a delight

    I do enjoy Mein Kempf's excellent efforts. Perhaps there should be some sort of award for services to the flame industry.

    I like the way he is sticking with his theme of old wars (those current ones are perhaps not something a frothing Bushtard would want to mention). Having personally won the Second world war in his earlier effort he is stretching back to the revolutionary war that he no doubt won single handed as well.

  9. Frank
    Thumb Up

    Phone Box?

    If you went back in time to the revolutionary war (which one by the way?), would there be phone boxes? This plan needs more research.

  10. Anonymous Coward


    Really? C'mon...

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is he Webster Phreaky?

    I can't tell the difference. I bet he's a load of fun down the pub.

  12. Adrian Jackson

    Sarah's position moderating comments on this thread

    screw you for using your comments to talk shit about trolls, I would rather have a muslim moderator than a woman-- any day of the week. Why don't your stick your attitude problem back in a time machine and go back to read the fotw and kill off some more brain sells.

    Or something like that.

  13. Bad Beaver

    @ moderatrix

    Sarah, Sarah,

    Storms are brewing in your eyes


  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But Sarah...

    Think how dull the internet would be if chemically addled, schizophrenic sociopaths suffering from anger-management issues and persecution complexes weren't allowed access to it.

    Not that I'm applying those labels to our dear friend Aaron of course. I'm just saying.

  15. Scott
    Dead Vulture


    I would like the Reg to admit that they don't ban this obvious Mad-as-a-toilet-brush-troll because hes always fun to laugh at on a Friday?

    Please let the company the BOFH works for give this guy a job, i'd love to see the cattle prod used on his troll ass.

  16. Steve
    Thumb Down


    I thought that was a poor effort for a FoTW to be honest.

    Can we refer back to the FoTW guidelines and check how many boxes he's ticked?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    On a web forum I visit

    One of the staff called all white ppl who voted for obama retards.

    He didnt see the funny side when I told him several of his friends were included in that group...

  18. pastamasta

    Look under the bridges...

    ...that's where they hide.

  19. Steve


    "belipsticked pitbull MILF"

    I did NOT need that image at lunchtime...

  20. Mike Smith

    Mom's little boy

    After a rather draining trawl through Google's results, I have a picture of mein Kempf that doesn't match the redneck fuckwit. I reckon he's in his early to mid 20s, still a virgin (his right hand doesn't count) and employed as a junior database programmer. His social skills in real life are about as bad as those in his online rantings, which means that even his colleagues think he's a retard. Geek glasses, negligible dress sense and complexion that resembles a pizza.

    Women go our of their way to avoid him, so he gets off on keeping extracts of live data - yes, live data - that he's nicked from his employer's system. He harbours dreams of using it to seduce the woman of his dreams as he can appear sleek and sophisticated due to his knowing her age and social security number. Means he can talk about star signs as well as Star Trek.

    His CV contains VB, Access and SQL Server, which is a real, big-boy's database. Crap like Oracle and DB2 just aren't up there with his massive skill set. He's a major database developer, and it's just because Microsoft don't want to be shown up as rank amateurs that they haven't appointed him to a VP position. That's his story, anyway.

    He lives in a white, middle-class suburb. With his mom and pop. Pictures of server hardware vie with the Star Trek posters for space on his bedroom wall. He voted Republican purely because Obama is black. The police won't give him a firearms permit, so he keeps a collection of knives under the X Files underwear in his bottom drawer.

    One day, the hormones will overcome his fear of the opposite sex and he'll lose his cherry to a prostitute. We have to hope that she survives the experience and that he doesn't fall in love with the girl, to the extent that her pimp has to break his legs to stop him stalking her.

    Alien, because he knows the truth is out there.

    OK, it's a slow Friday :-)

  21. Anonymous Coward

    @Sarah Bee

    I don't see why you are complaining, it's really easy to do your job - check mirror, change gear, moderate dickheads, check mirror, change gear, eat Yorkie bar.

    (or something like that)



  22. Paul Murphy
    Paris Hilton

    Aaron sounds like a well-balanced person.

    >screw you for using your media to talk shit about palin, I would rather have a woman than a >muslim-- any day of the week. Why don't your stick your attitude problem back in a time machine >and go back to the revolutionary war and fuck yourself again.

    assuming "Aaron Kempf" <> troll there are so many options here;

    what about a female muslim - where would they be on the 'scale-O-hate'?

    whose attitude problem would that be again?

    I don't imagine that any of us were screwing* ourselves in any of the various revolutionary wars, not without being dead by now in any case, so how can anyone do it _again_?

    oh - I can't be bothered.


    PH since she's the only icon known for her screwing* around.

    *if (nationality == "`yank") {"screw" = "fuck"} **

    ** interesting that in the UK at least to 'have a yank' can mean a couple of things at least :-)

    ok - now I am getting bored with this.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    A Palin fantasist???

    I think he might well be the neck-free living definition of "swivel-eyed". I wonder if he's the same guy that used to hang around Usenet US related groups years ago who would respond to every remotely US -critical post with something like "Are you some kind of commie? Don't you love America?". Answers on a postcard...

    Paris cos he'd take her spanking with better grace than Palin.

  24. Nick Palmer
    Thumb Up

    Oh Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaron...

    The databases are coming! The databases are coming!

    Seriously, I'm delighted to see Aaron's return to his usual form; obviously the Thorazine's worn off, which can only be a good thing, since we can look forward to more examples of his rapier wit and Solomon-like discernment. And by "rapier wit and Solomon-like discernment" I mean, of course, "spluttering, incoherent schizoid word-salad with a side order of xenophobia to go, please, hold the grammar" (thank you moderatrix...)....

  25. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    in reference to one freshly-deleted comment

    Try not to be anti-semitic, darlings. It's shit of you.

  26. Gianni Straniero

    If you like her so much...

    ... move to Alaska, Aaron. I believe the state of Washington voted for Obama.

    Yours is the fur-lined parka. Here, let me help you with it.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Red states

    During this recent election thingy I often wondered why the colour of the Republican party is red? Are they all a bunch of commies?

  28. Adrian Jackson

    @Paul Murphy

    You seem to forget - we have *time machines*. Allowing us to freely go back in time to the revolutionary war and engage in whatever activities we desire with alternate timeline versions of our selves.

    It's a wonder they managed to get any fighting done at all, frankly, with all the time-hopping onanists lying around the place.

  29. Jamie
    Black Helicopters


    Hollerith? As in the IBM Hollerith censor machines that enabled the Holocaust? I should probably add "allegedly", as apart from the 528-page, meticulously-referenced book "IBM and the Holocaust" by Edwin Black I have no evidence....


  30. teacake


    "It's shit of you."

    I've been looking all morning for a phrase to summarise a strategy paper I've been working on. I should have known I'd find it on El Reg. Thanks muchly, SB.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ Sarah

    Here's a question for you...

    Why are we not allowed to be anti-semitic yet muslim bashing is fine?

    Everyone in america hates muslims because they are the bogeyman yet one word against a jew and you are practically hitler's love child!

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Have Some Pity

    The Rethuglicans just had their asses handed them. They need to sit in a corner, holding their "I Hate Muslins" security blankets and cry.

    Oh, BTW. Don't get too snooty. This is basic human nature, and Europe has a long and storied history of idiocy, xenophobia and hatred that makes the US look like Mother Theresa.

    Look up the word "Balkanization."

  33. JRallo
    Thumb Up

    'El Reg should come up with a..

    Troll of the Month award. Send the troll off to gitmo for reprogramming. In Mr. Kempf's case, put 1000 thumb drives with hundreds of MDB's on them and watch the fireworks up there in Seattle WA.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    It's VB that does this to people. Just say no.

  35. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)


    @AC (this one) - Show me where I said or even implied 'muslim bashing is fine'. I've seen none of the latter in the comments, but I have seen someone being offensive on the other score and so that's why I mentioned it. I won't have any Muslim-bashing either. 'K? 'K.

    @AC (the other one) - Heh, how meta, and mostly true, too.

  36. Anonymous Coward


    Sorry. I should have used the "Joke" icon, except I was sort of serious about the second part.

    I apologize. I did not mean to infer that. You are correct. You did not infer that. It was actually a backhanded swipe at folks who think "Muslin" is a religion. I'm actually pretty horrified at the Rethuglicans' War on Brains.

    I done writ bad.

    It's the one with the extra-long sleeves...

  37. Dave Murray Silver badge


    Love him saying you have an attitude problem after his xenophobic and incorrect comment about Obama's religion. That's going to keep me laughing all day.

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    "Shit" can be used to summarise any "strategy paper".

    If you've had the foresight to print it on bog roll, it may yet have a use.

  39. Anonymous Coward

    Just wait for the change over

    I can see it now:

    Aaron Kempf: [shouting] The president's a ni-[Bell tolls].

    Harriett Van Johnson: What did he say?

    Sam Johnson: He said the president is near!

    Aaron Kempf: No, [frontier gibberish] I said the president is a ni-[bell tolls].

    Comedy gold.

  40. Steven Hunter

    Re: Phone Box?

    I imagine they could just use the one they used to get there. It's bigger on the inside you see...

  41. James

    @Kill kill kill kill kill the trolls! Hunt them down, there shall be no clemency!


    Look under the bridges, that's where they hide.

  42. Admiral Grace Hopper

    @Steve Hunter

    Dude, wrong phone box. Aaron's, like, an American guy. We can use the phone box after Bill and Ted have done their assignment.

    Be excellent to each other.

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down


    This Aaron guy is insane. A quick 10 minutes in Google has shown him spouting ill-considered crap on a hundred different web forums.

    I was most interested to read that Excel and Word are crap because they are not databases and that Excel is "for kids". Every post is a rare demonstration of the adage "it's better to say nothing and have people think you're an idiot than open your mouth and prove it".

    He's a little obsessed with "where" clauses and seems to have a bit of a problem with Microsoft - possibly because they *fired* him. His entire online life is some kind of radical anti-CV showing all the reasons that no sane organisation would hire him.

  44. Anonymous Coward


    go to the nearest phone box, find the addresses of Kempf's ancestors and, well, you know the rest...

    Thank you. Between that last line and the comments I have had a good few laughs that I needed this fine Friday. now to BOFH.

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Ok, time out everyone...

    Lets all go down to the pub and have a drink. It is Friday after all... sometimes the world stupid and beautiful at the same time. PH, cause well...

  46. J-Wick
    Paris Hilton

    Time Machine?

    "Nasty in the Pasty". That is all.

    Also "Past Nastification". Love that phrase.

    Preferably with Rose (aka Billie).

    /former DB developer with VB, Access & SQL Server on CV. Thankfully not *too* much overlap with Mike Smith's psychological profile of Aaron apart from that...!

  47. Matt Bradley

    @Sarah Bee - Disappointed

    Aww Sarah, I'm disappointed. After using the s...thorpe word as the sole subject line of my response to Ted's piece here: I was kinda hoping I might get my own FOTW. Especially when you binned it for bad language. It looks like I've been outclassed by this foaming maniac.

    Must try harder next time.

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Red States

    Yeah, there's a part of the Republican Party base that Pol Pot would be proud of - they think that education creates "liberal elitists", and they positively worship people who aren't smart enough to recognize that they're dumb. (Bush and Palin are among their greatest heroes).

  49. Neil D W Smith

    I think you missed a letter

    Sarah, I think you missed a letter in your last post - "'K? 'K." I think a third repeat might just go a little ways towards summing up Mr Kempf's political leanings.

    For some unknown reason when I see the name "Aaron Kempf" it gets mentally substituted with "Aryan" and "Mein Kampf" - somehow appropriate when reading the bigoted bilge water that this creature spouts (I reserve the terms "person" and "individual" for those that I'm pretty sure qualify as one).

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Someone put together a book of this twits ranting. I guarantee it'll sell millions and millions. Just out of idle curiosity I poked out looking for other posts by this guy. Wow I am amazed that that much ignorant bile can spew forth from one person.

    Now if we would all just listen to him then we would realize that SQL server will save us all.

  51. anarchic-teapot

    Hmmm, dunno about this FotW

    Not a patch on his previous effort. Maybe the drugs are having some effect after all.

  52. Chika

    @Rob Holmes

    Obama: I'm soooo talented! And they're SOOOOOO stupid!

  53. david

    "following a brief lull" - or perhaps in Wikipedia

    Actually, I think he as been spending his time re-writing the Wikipedia entry for MS Access, ( a core interest of his) rather than spending time in the newsgroups.

  54. RW

    @ Funneh AC

    Oh, God, no! Spare us! And spare your humble servant, El Reg, from lolcatization.

    is a compendium of words, phrases, sentences, and sentiments not henceforth to be expressed, implied, or ambiguated on these sacred pages.

    Those allergic to extremely silly humor are warned off.

  55. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    this makes fascinating reading

    For those who have missed some of the Kempf-related fun :

  56. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I wholeheartedly condemn muslins. I much prefer a good linen.

  57. Matt

    @ac, 08:51

    Fascinating is right!

    Holy crap, what's the deal with this nutter? The more of that stuff I read the more I kept getting the feeling that in the not to distant future I'll be reading about a certain A. Kempf being involved in some sort of shooting spree or something on those lines.

    Where's the "watch this space, potential killing spree" icon?

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