back to article BOFH: Taking out a contract

"But the notes I have say you built a new machine just last year!" the Boss snaps, looking at the PFY's list of parts. "Why do you need a new one so soon?" "It's technical," the PFY says "You wouldn't understand." "Try me," the Boss snaps back. "What do you know about Quad Core Processor Technology?" "Nothing." "L1 and …


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  1. mittfh


    Now what's the betting that by the time I leave work, Wikipedia will have a description of Reggie Moore's Inverse Square Law of IT Satisfaction...

    And that by this time tomorrow, some spoilsport will have speedy deleted it...

    But seriously, MFD's are cr*p. We've got two in our office (one colour, one BW), and you can almost always predict that at least once a month, one will be waiting for an engineer visit...

    Or some berk will be trying to print or copy to B5, so the device will just sit there, refusing to process any more jobs until someone with a clue cancels the rogue job...

    Or will have developed a paper jam which requires partial disassembly of the device, several powercycles and cancelling all jobs before it recognises the rogue sheet is no longer present...

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Good job

    Those Paper pushing toner Dealing scum need to be taken care off ..

  3. Trygve Henriksen


    Knowing how some of these companies screw people over, I've been looking for a solution...

    Just a pity the darn things are so heavy...

    (Takes at least 4 people to get them up to any speed at all... )

  4. Simon B
    Thumb Up

    LOVE IT!

    PMSL - Love it!!!!

  5. Jason
    Thumb Up


    best use of a MFD to date :)

  6. Rosuav

    Inverse Square Law

    Created as redirect in an attempt to avoid the war over the last one. Have fun!

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Someone once aptly called these "Woolly Milk Pigs"

  8. Simon Painter


    Ahem... gentlemen, start your stopwatches.... I think this might just last a day before the wikitards take it down.'s_Inverse_Square_Law_of_IT_Satisfaction

  9. Jon Beck
    Thumb Up

    You HAVE to know the loopholes!

    At least they're going to be getting their money's worth in repair costs!

    I can't stand it when some desk jockey decides he knows how to strike a maintenance deal, and sticks us with a hefy bill for sundry items!

    This is why my boss now lets me do all of the decision making when it comes to haggling for maintenance stuff, and daily refills, as well!

    Well done Simon!

  10. Graham Jordan

    Without a doubt...

    I tend to smile, or laugh on the inside with most BOFH, its been a while since any dissapointed me but this weeks really hit a spot and consequently I've roared with laughter and sported a few tears.

    Fantastic, absoloute genius!

  11. Anonymous Coward

    darn wikitards...

    15:06, 7 November 2008 Gazimoff (Talk | contribs) deleted "Reggie Moore's Inverse Square Law of IT Satisfaction" ‎ (A7 (web): Web content article that doesn't indicate it meets the inclusion criteria)

    Any bets he's a beancounter?

    These wingnuts are stagnating our gene pool and should be removed for the greater good...

  12. Anonymous Coward


    Flying MFDs, I love it. It's about the only real use those damn things have. I can almost hear the end lusers whining about where their printer is when they go to do their once a year scan to e-mail job. Though it would have been nice if the PFY had aimed one at the service reps head just to make sure they would "reconsider" the contract :-).

    BTW some of these wiki nuts need to grow a sense of humor.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward



    Aw, I was looking forward to the Friday Troll Whine about why it's wrong to have a go at the boss for signing stupid contracts.

    The "no toner clause" got me simply because one of my idiot bosses did exactly the same. Fortunately, we didn't have to resort to the "carefully disposed of" MFD to get rid of him, just told his boss who decided to take the loss of the salary of the signatory. Oddly, he was called Jim too...

  14. Mike


    a contract with terms like that... and it wasn't with BOFH Printing Support Services Ltd? (trading under the name Customer Assistance System Help for cheque purposes of course)

  15. Anonymous Coward

    @simon painter

    just disappeared while I was laughing. Looks like about 30 minutes? Fun while it lasted, though...

  16. bob
    Thumb Down


    the page Disappeared at 3:06

  17. mittfh

    Wikitards Mk. II

    Moore's Inverse Square Law of IT Satisfaction

    First appearance:

    13:59, 7 November 2008 Rosuav (Talk | contribs) (40 bytes) (←Redirected page to Bastard Operator From Hell)


    Quick edit:

    14:05, 7 November 2008 Rosuav (Talk | contribs) (52 bytes) (←Redirected page to Bastard Operator From Hell#Wikisalting)



    15:34, 7 November 2008 Juliancolton (Talk | contribs) (60 bytes) (This redirect has been listed on Wikipedia:Redirects for discussion]]. (TW)) (undo)


    Meanwhile, over on Redirects for Discussion:

    Moore's Inverse Square Law of IT Satisfaction → Bastard Operator From Hell

    Unlikely search term, not mentioned in target article. –Juliancolton Tropical Cyclone 15:34, 7 November 2008 (UTC)

    Whoops, that was an oversight. It's now mentioned in the target article (in the section - it's a section redirect), complete with references. Rosuav (talk) 16:03, 7 November 2008 (UTC)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    One of the most amusing things about MFDs

    is the way that they are able to instantly transform any given selection of notionally intelligent people into door-slamming illiterate monkeys who are apparently unable to make even a stab at what information a diagram of the thing they're standing in front of might possibly be trying to convey

  19. Ze

    One of the most amusing things about Wikibeancounters.

    is the way that they are able to instantly transform any given selection of notionally intelligent people into door-slamming illiterate monkeys who are apparently unable to make even a stab at what information a diagram of the thing they're standing in front of might possibly be trying to convey

    Bloody hell they are spoil sports with no sense of humour or taste. Seriously though when you've got Jimmy Wales who's basically a shonky bastard and then you've got a bunch of power tripping folks on it , and they are begging for cash. I hope it's replaced by something better. I think their whole notability criteria is a load of crap , space is cheap and if you combine all the information together it could actually be useful.

  20. Jason
    Black Helicopters

    A different kind of contract....

    I would have enjoyed it more if it was for a contract killer to take out the MFD or at least make it painful for him to swallow. They could even have the boss taken care accident of course.

    Then have the PFY retort his comments back "I'd like to help you, but a contract is a contract..."

    Would have made the story a bit too long to read though.

  21. Wai Ng


    I've gotten most BOFH stories, but this one isn't making sense to me for some reason. Maybe it's just a bad day. Anyone care to explain it?

  22. Michael

    Did the BOFH start messing around with Russian subs? :D

    As per the article, I just got to ask, did the BOFH mess around with this sub?


    "More than 20 people were killed on a nuclear submarine in the Pacific Ocean during routine testing as a result of the unsanctioned functioning of the fire extinguishing systems," the navy spokesman, Igor Dygalo, said by telephone.


  23. mittfh


    Thinking of my original comment on MFDs and Jason's post above, I now realise that chucking them out of a window is a rather boring and ordinary fate for them...

    Replacing the black toner with gunpowder would be much more interesting... especially if you could rig up the doors to automatically lock when the sprinklers activate... (well, how many offices have halon extinguishers? And it's a while since we saw a non-fatal LART in action... And of course, all the computers in the offices would have to be replaced...just in case a stray droplet of water from the sprinklers entered them...)

    Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Well, you would be in the vicinity of the MFD with gunpowder toner...

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Reggie Moore's Law

    To wit: " the basic theory is that as machine processing power increases, user dissatisfaction with momentary application pauses do as well."

    A practical exmple of this recently-suggested Law is the way that Users will often howl with fury when The Computer manages to display their email from The Boss reminding them how much of their Project still remains outstanding before the next Budget meeting much faster than it will render their high definition 2500MB screen background showing a collage of their numerous offspring involved in such work-related pastimes as washing the dog ("Ain't it good how you can see every drop of water flying off Fido?"), fingerpainting ("Isn't she good - I'm sure she'll be the next Damien Hurst!") and demonstrating their driving skills ("Of course it wasn't her fault she crashed into that lamppost, m'lud - look, you can count every wet leaf she skidded on!")...

    The Inverse of Reggie Moore's Law is the way that Designers are content to use 2-year-old 3D CAD software on 3-year-old computers while trying to design and maintain safety-critical systems[1], and Systems Operations staff are eager to hang onto old, outdated and jury-rigged almost beyond recognition hardware as long as possible[2], while watching Sue The Secretary[3] or Pamela the PA[4] bitching because their Boss nearly got caught playing solitaire ("Draw One", natch) because his machine stuttered when the Big Boss walked through the door unexpectedly, even though it has the latest quad-core processor, 4GB of RAM, a 512MB SLI Graphics Card driving a desk-mounted 42-inch LCD, and one of those natty little USB Missile Launchers aimed at the window overlooking the Design Office...[5]


    [1] Couldn't possibly mean anyone in the aerospace design and manufacturing industry, could I?

    [2] Remember the *first* time all office PCs were available in any colour, (so long as it's beige)?

    [3], [4] and [6] The names have been changed to protect the (terminally stupid/computer illiterate*)(*delete as applicable)

    [5] Thought we didn't know about that didn't you, Mr Smith[6]?

    Surely Reggie Moore's Law is valid enough for inclusion on Wikipediment now? I mean, when was the last time anyone managed to reach .99C and prove Einstein's THEORY of Relativity? But *that's* allowed into the World's Largest Repository of Half-Baked Ideas and Theories and Outright Inaccuracies (can't you tell we just **love** Wikipedia 'round here??)

  25. T J

    The Stub is still there!!!!

    Astonishingly, the stub is still there!!!

    The Wikitards have not deleted it!'s_Inverse_Square_Law_of_IT_Satisfaction

  26. dreadful scathe

    valid law

    i agree about the law being perfectly valid - it should be included in wikipedia as valid but humorous. However, there is one exception to this law from my own experience. When one famous university in scotland was updating their old client/server software to a web based front end, it was mainly in response to the increasingly slow reponses which the students and staff constantly complained about. But amusingly, the ONLY thing replaced was the interface now being thin client in a browser. Responses were the same as before as the back end had not changed. Users and staff loved the interface and its much faster response time. Speed expectations for web pages were so low in those dial-up days :)

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