back to article Defra drafts proper pet practice for the daft

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) is consulting on new guidelines for gormless pet owners who don't know a dog's arse from whatever it has in lieu of an elbow. The cat welfare document (see here) will be published as a leaflet to hammer home some of the finer points of feline care on the heels of …


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  1. Anton Ivanov

    Whoever wrote it never had a cat

    Cat welfare is the easiest thing to formulate. It has been formulated long ago:

    Dogs (and other pets) have owners. Cats have STAFF.

    That is all that needs to be said here.

  2. Mike Crawshaw
    Thumb Up

    New Monitor, please...

    Sheer brilliance. *Applause*

    If I didn't know the answer, I'd ask "do they really think we're that stupid?" but I know the answer. Even worse, I know that, as a nation, yes, sadly, we are. *sigh*.

    (2 cats, one dog. they all pile on top of each other in front of the fire, and thankfully - purely for reasons of size - the dog always ends up at the bottom with the cats climbing all over him)

  3. Dangermouse

    The Nanny State strikes again...

    ...whilst I agree that this is A Good Thing, one cannot help but think that once again Labour feels the need to legislate for idiocy.

    Was there a real need for this to be done?

  4. Jimmy Floyd
    IT Angle

    Oh dear....

    Are we really that stupid, or does the government merely think we are?

    Genuine question - I honestly don't know.

  5. NB
    Paris Hilton


    And how much taxpayers money was, and is going to be, wasted on this futile piece of mindless drivel? What a waste of fucking time.

    Paris, cos I'd provide her with stimulation.

  6. Paul


    " owners who don't know a dog's arse from whatever it has in lieu of an elbow".

    Dogs have 2 elbows at the front...

    Remember never to shake the hand of those who do not know their arses from their elbows...

  7. Matt Devney
    IT Angle

    This isn't bootnotes or odds & sods or entertainment so...

    Where is the IT angle? Sarah is normally more on the ball as regards these things...

    On a more positive/relevant note, it will allow more confiscation of animals because none of these bottom feeders can now say "I wasn't told I needed to care for the damn thing" or some such excuse. It's less about ensuring good care and more about removal of plausible deniability.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    According to my dog...

    ...when introduced to a cat it causes massive frustration to be on a leash. Mental anguish, even. Close to traumatized, he refused to read any further. But will the gubmint care? Not bloody likely. TANJ.

  9. Kevin Patrick Crowley

    Dogs have elbows.

    Front legs are the elbows. Hind legs have the knees. These pamphlets are just in time for the Reg staff it seems.


  10. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Another New Labour Waste

    How much taxpayers' money has been wasted on this "initiative"?

    Government says we must provide "entertainment" and "mental stimulation" for our pets. What do they want? A Black & White Minstrel show?

    Getting out of the shower this morning I was confronted by our two cats. Stuck for something good to get a good laugh or purr from them, I entertained them with the "Windsurfer" from Puppetry Of The Penis. The other half thinks it's hysterical. The cats ran off faster than a priest after an altar boy.

    On diet, it advises fresh food every day but warns "an obese cat is an unhealthy cat" adding "it is a good idea in a 'greedy' cat to have the measured food divided up into a number of meals per day".

    So can we expect Parliament to restrict the meals of those MPs who aren't in that green bit of the BMI scale? Gordon Brown looks like he's carrying a few extra pounds. Are we going to see him shut in a f**k off big cat box so he can't pig out on food? After all, following this logic, an obese MP is an unhealthy MP.

    Gravestone 'cos this is a dying government desperate to be put out of its misery.

  11. Richard

    I hope

    They remembered to add the section on keeping their cat from shitting on my garden. It could seriously endanger the cat's health... if I catch it.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    That is all...

  13. Admiral Grace Hopper


    In lieu of an elbow, a dog has, well, an elbow. The only mammal that doesn't have elbows is the elephant.

  14. Simon Painter
    Thumb Up

    Pets... Check!

    Now how about a similar idiot proof guide to how to raise a child? Judging by the yoof of today it would be good for them to get some idea of how to do a better job than their parents at raising the next generation of fatherless mongrels.

    A possible sample:

    "MacDonalds make a meal called the 'breakfast'. While this is misleading it is must be stressed that it is not a suitable meal for a child before school"

    "Preparing a healthy meal and then refusing to give your child sweets and desert if they don't eat the meal is not child abuse; passing fish and chips through the school railings to your fat heffer of an offspring is child abuse though"

    "School and education are good things and should be encouraged; mugging old ladies, carrying a knife and raping teenagers are bad things and should be discouraged"

    "Giving your child a wallop because they have refused to follow the clear rules of expected behaviour - OK

    Giving your child a wallop because it makes you feel more important and powerful, and gives you a bit of a chubby - NOT OK"

  15. A J Stiles
    Paris Hilton


    I'd be much more impressed if the government decided to set up free (on the NHS) veterinary care for cats and dogs. Pet insurance isn't cheap (unless you get the kind of policy that doesn't actually pay out, and end up barred from your local vet -- this actually happened to a friend of mine). It would also be a good way of ensuring that every animal is properly vaccinated, neutered (unless you pay for a breeding licence and submit to regular inspections of your premises) and microchipped.

    It's been demonstrated, formally and anecdotally, that people who keep pets tend to be fitter and healthier than people who do not. A small outlay on veterinary care might well have positive implications for human wellbeing.

  16. Francis Fish

    Ah, the delightful sound of my taxes whirling down the toilet

    But I suppose people too gormless to understand pet care can't say nobody told them

    Sooner have this laughable stuff than £12bn on ID cards any day.

  17. Dave Bell

    Er, DEFRA?

    The cat is curerntly hiding behind the computer.

    Used to be a farm cat, she knows DEFRA of old.

  18. Tom Cooke

    What a waste of time

    What a pointless exercise - cats and dogs are relatively easy to care for, if you have any sense of responsibility at all. They should concentrate on educating people that other creatures are MUCH harder than they think to look after properly - birds especially (parrots, crows, any birds of prey) need way more stimulation and focus than mangy fourlegs.

  19. dervheid

    One can only conclude...

    that since cats have been singled out for particular attention, that Hilary Benn must be disposed to sitting stroking his pussy, just like the Evil Genius, Blofeld.

    Truly, this country has gone to the cats.

  20. Anonymous Coward



    - Those who are going to mistreat the animals are those who are never going to read the advice.

    - Those who care about their animals will seek detailed advice from experts

    So why are we wasting even more time and money on this sort of rubbish? If you want to throw money at animal care, then throw it at vets and animal welfare charities, they actually have a clue on how to handle animals and their humans.

    FFS, I'd rather see the money go to "Please provide me with a cheese burger dot com" for spelling and grammar lessons.

    Mine's the one with the bandages in the pocket (my cat bites me when she's not happy - it's not quantum mechanics to work that one out!)

  21. dervheid

    @ Admiral Grace Hopper

    I suggest you update your info. Last time I looked, whales, dolphins, seals and porpoises, which are all mammals, don't have elbows.

    Terrible lack of basic seafarers knowledge, just what we've come to expect from the average Admiral these days.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hard enough?

    Presumably it will include mandatory sex education. "The daft" won't know that in the UK it carries a maximum sentence of life imprisonment.

  23. Anonymous Coward

    @Matt Devney

    The IT angle? Well it's obvious isn't it, the story is going to receive an update when they announce a tender has been put out for a central database of all pets and owners, including DNA of both, microchipping of both and a new camera based tracking system to monitor every household with a pet (an the associated pet detector vans to track unregistered pets) to make sure your pets get the right amount of exercise at the right time.

    I also agree with the comments about cats and staff. My wife has two cats and they are the most "using" creatures on earth, no good for anything except leaving "suprises" on the doorstep (dead animals, although to give our old tom his due he is getting crafty, brought a rat back the other day, complete with trap) or shitting right next to the litter tray so you cant really tell them off "Ah look, he tried but must have sat in it wrong" BOLLOCKS the little shit knew exactly what he was doing, likes nothing better than seeing me pick up his shit and vomit!


  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    up piss brewery in

    anyone got a manual on how to run a country?

    just asking.

  25. Pierre

    @ Admiral Grace Hopper

    "The only mammal that doesn't have elbows is the elephant."

    My pet whale and her cetacean cousins wish to disagree with that comment of yours. Seals, sea lions and friends might want to join the protest.

  26. Name

    keep indoors

    How about: Don't let your cat out of the house. If you do it will prey on songbirds, and be preyed upon by foxes, hawks, owls, etc. But that means going to the trouble of housebreaking the critter. Who can be bothered with that?

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not a surprise

    This is the government which manages to squeeze 45 pages of legislation out of the correct way to put a label on a goat's ear.

  28. Martin Lyne


    I laughed so much in this article I had tears in my eyes! Scathing ignorant people with big words should be an olympic event...

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