back to article NZ chaps' sperm not quite up to scratch

The "quality" of New Zealand chaps' ejaculate has halved since 1987, with testicular output crashing from 110m sperm per millilitre to 50m, The Australian reports. The worrying news was presented today to a fecund* of international fertility researchers in Brisbane. The figures come from a shufti at the "sperm quality data" of …


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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Surely the sperm per ejaculation is more important

    than the sperm per millilitre of ejaculate. Maybe the men are just using some spam-purveyed herbal performance enhancer to increase the volume of seminal fluid while the number of sperm stay the same.

  2. Ralphe Neill
    IT Angle

    Are you sure?

    "Trust us - that's the proper collective noun for fertility researchers."

    Are you sure? According to the OED, "fecund" is an adjective ...

    Not sure what your IT angle is ... unless it's I/O ...

  3. Anonymous Coward


    Perhaps all the men in NZ have little sperm left, given how they get far more sex than their drunken chauvinistic Aussie cousins?

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Happy Hand Fun

    They enjoy too much Mrs Palm and her five daughters* thanks to the wider availability of happy hand fun visual imagery*, so the little white swimmers* have not been made in enough quantity for the next long swim in the narrow dark canal to tummy land*.

    *I've Jacqui-ized the wording of the above, as part of the 'make the internet safe for small children' initiative.

  5. Anonymous Coward

    Root cause rubbish

    "environmental toxins, diet and modern changes in lifestyle"

    Environmental Toxins - in New Zealand? It's paradise on earth (as shown on Lord of the Rings and other such films). If that's the case, the prognosis for the rest of the world is dire (read Mumbai, Shenzhen, London, Mexico City etc.).

    Not got anything to do with all those cows and sheep perhaps ? What if the the population went vegetarian, according to PETA this might improve matters (i.e. reducing another factor that could cause population growth falling -

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    As a UK-based NZer who happens to be a donor, looks like it's lucky I got out when I did! Proudly wanking into cups since 2006.

    Incidentally there's still a major donor shortage, so if you chaps want to do a good deed they don't come any more fun than this one.

  7. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Are you sure?

    Ralphe, you are a giant prune. It's called word play. Haven't you ever made up your own collective noun? Haven't you ever looked at a list of actual collective nouns? They are colourful and brill and it is fun.

    By the way, I know you are not *actually* a prune. It's called word play.

    All this literal-mindedness makes me want to put my head on the desk and leave it there for a long long while. See, I couldn't even come up with anything oblique to express my exasperation. You people are poisoning my brain.

    Incidentally, the correct collective noun for a group of idiots is a 'duhhhhh'.

  8. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Hmmm

    >Proudly wanking into cups since 2006.


  9. Funky Dennis


    Maybe the difference is that the Aussie guys spanked the monkey underarm. No wonder the Kiwis, em, came off second best.

  10. V

    population implications

    So - fewer lambs then in New Zealand....

  11. Chris

    Where can I donate?

    I would like to help. I can send some off in the post, just pop some in a Jiffy bag* Under EU laws can I charge per gallon or will it have to be a litre to avoid prosecution by the weights and measures nazis?

    *Real men come in a Jiffy

    Mines the one with the hole in the pocket

  12. Anonymous Coward

    Looks like

    the Antipodeans are having some troubles down-under.

  13. Steven Raith
    Thumb Up

    Collective name for idiots

    Isn't that "the home secretaries office"?

    I have used this article as an excuse to pop an email out to my NZ-based laydee friends advising them that I can offer some fine scottish love-juice should they find their local supply to be not fit for purpose and happen to be passing through at the same time.

    I'm sure I will be inundated with requests for my services*

    Steven R

    *Read as: Restraining orders.

  14. Christoph

    Re: Root cause rubbish

    "Environmental Toxins - in New Zealand? It's paradise on earth"

    That's because the population level in most places is very low. Nearly everybody lives in or near Auckland. If all the samples came from that area it could well be toxins or similar.

  15. David Cornes

    Immigration test

    Every other bugger I meet nowadays seems to be planning on upping sticks and heading to either Oz or NZ. Maybe the next test they should be adding to the immigration qualifications should be a sperm count?

  16. Anonymous Coward

    maybe it was the birds got 'em

    You know, the swallows?

  17. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge
    Paris Hilton


    Nice one on the collective noun for fertility researchers. Nice one Sarah for plinking the prescriptivist twerp complaining that fecund isn't a noun. Nice on on the "protokids per" semi-unit. I was a little surprised and disappointed you stuck with the boring old SI "millilitre" to round it out, but on second thoughts I'm a little squeamish about expressing it in more "natural" units. Good taste prevails (or not... I didn't set out to set up a double entendre). I'll go with Paris anyway.

  18. anon trol

    They must be smoking...

    ...mad chronics in the land of the long cloud.

  19. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  20. Anonymous Coward

    @Funky Dennis

    "Maybe the difference is that the Aussie guys spanked the monkey underarm"

    Nice trick if you can do it, I suppose.

    Kinky, too.

    [Mayfair-branded Barbour jacket, obviously]

  21. Stuart


    Kiwis have long been at or near the top of the list for the rate of vasectomies, maybe this is a Jedi version - "these are not the sperm you seek".

    Oh, and fwiw, to whoever it was who said :"Nearly everybody lives in or near Auckland." PUH-LEEZE! Three-quarters of us have the good taste and common decency NOT to live in Auckalnd. To those of us (the majority of the poulation) outside of that soulless cesspit, Aucklanders are JAFAs.

  22. CTG

    Collective nouns

    I think the collective noun for fertility researchers is a Malthus, actually.

    @Cristoph - the three-quarters of the country that don't live in Auckland are now extremely pissed off at you. I advise you to stay away from Wellington.

  23. Charles Manning


    In these belt-tightening times kiwis have just become more efficient. As the article says, 20 is enough, 50 is more than enough and older levels of over 100 were just showing off.

  24. Anonymous Coward

    re: there is a simple explanation

    As a fellow kiwi, with 4 gorgeous kids, I have to agree with you. Uncle Helen could curdle milk.

    But don't forget we now have an anti-spanking law, so of course this would affect the figures.

  25. Magani


    "Aucklanders are JAFAs."

    Sorry, but the acronym didn't make it across the Tasman.

    * - Just Another Friggin' Australian?

    * - Jeeze, Always Fornicating Authoritatively?

    * - A mis-spelling of 'Jaffas' (Oz's favourite hard orange-coated chocolate confectionary, beloved in my yoof as the perfect missile for use during Saturday arvo matinee sessions at the local flea house, but I digress)

    * - ???

    * - Profit^H^H^H^H^H Sorry, wrong web site...

    Enquiring minds need to know.

    Penguins need to know, too.

  26. Anonymous Coward

    Beached as

    Not getting enough plenk-tun. Our swimmers are beached as...

  27. Anonymous Coward

    Oh noes!

    Oh no! Now us NZ men will be forced to have twice as much sex in order to produce the same number of babies! The injustice of it all.

    The having babies icon, obviously...

  28. Trix
    Paris Hilton

    @ACs #5 & 6

    Funnily enough, I'd rather have a PM who can actually run the country, not one that baboons like you happen to fancy.

    Paris for PM, eh? Or maybe John-boy and Winnie really *are* more up your (cough) alleys?

    (I also agree with AC #2 - it's because kiwi guys are getting more real lovin' than their antipodean Aussie cousins - the pumps are running a bit dry)

  29. Andus McCoatover

    A mate of mine...

    ...many years ago moved to NZ. He is "monorchid" == one ball less than is customary for males.

    Wonder if that'd account for the 50% reduction in lil' swimmers? Or maybe there's too many 'lefthanded websites' in that part of the world.

  30. Andus McCoatover
    Paris Hilton

    @there is a simple explanation

    Have you seen OUR (Finnish) President, Tarja Halonen???

    Her hubby needs a fuc*king medal for "Services well above the call of ANYONE!!!"

    (She's a great lass, incidentally)

    Paris, 'cos I need a wank.

  31. Andus McCoatover
    Thumb Up

    @ Magani

    Nope, Jaffas are seedless oranges. D'uh. So, vasectomy comment makes sense, it was my monicker for one of my managers when he announced he'd had the "Final Cut" or he'd be immitating the "John Wayne Walk" for awhile.

  32. Lloyd
    IT Angle


    JAFA = Just another Fucking Aucklander

    JAFFA = A Seedless Fruit

  33. andy gibson

    @ Sarah Bee

    If you don't like The Reg readership, find another job. Its obviously you have some issues as you feel the need to respond in *our* section every time you post an article (although this one is by Lester?), whereas the other Reg writers don't.

    Coat icon - for you.

  34. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: @ Sarah Bee

    '*Our* section' - say what? I moderate it. So it's as much mine as it is yours.

    The other Reg writers have been known to chip in from time to time, actually, but what can I say - I'm fascinated.

    I think that coat's yours, actually. It smells a bit like old milk.

  35. Andus McCoatover

    Re: @ Sarah Bee

    >>If you don't like The Reg readership, find another job>>

    DO FUCK*IN What??

    Leave our Moderatrix alone. Or fuc*k off.

    Bestest (as my Finnish g/f says) - Do both.

    Now, take my two words of advice concerning sex and travel.

    Fuck off.

    You and your putrid comments make me angry.

    Andy Crofts, Valtatie 5 as 15, 90500 Oulu, Finland. Not ashamed to show it.

    Pop round sometime, but remember, we've got as many guns per population as US.


  36. Mike Flugennock


    So... does this mean that if that old '70s band "10cc" were from NZ, they would've had to call themselves "8cc"?


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