We come in peace
A large amount of information compiled by Bebo users has now been beamed into space, aimed at a planet thought particularly likely to harbour intelligent alien life. The interstellar Bebo dump, known as AMFE (A Message From Earth), contains all kinds of information from the Web 2.0 teenybopper nerd portal. There are pictures …
"Not satisfying your snurglflink, increase the size and girth of your kerplunknikit with 50% off our inglipop"
I am a representative of our Galactic overlord Kim' Mushenki, who as I am sure you eleoquant perosn knows is ruler of 10 star quadrants. Kim' Mushenki presides over the treasury of 10 zingtil ingots, however it is locked....please provide......"
you get the rest.
/mines the one covered in tin foil with matching hat
Marked - "your message has not been delivered for the following reason - the server's spam filter has rejected the message - you have been charged for this message at the rate of GD1 per population unit spammed. Please remit by return. Ah - wait - you actually owe us the earth - yes the whole thing - we will be round to take possession 2 weeks next Tuesday - vacant possession will be required"
We now have a nice pool of humans to sell as slaves to any aliens intent on destroying us, we could strike a nice deal and also be shot of all our Bebo, Facefcuk and MySpace users.
(I think we'd have a hard time selling our virtual mental aslyum user base though, although I'm not quite sure how many people use Second Life now.)
Surely the one universal constant would have to be a hatred of SPAM. On Earth it can be used as a sanity test. "Do you enjoy receiving SPAM?" anyone who answers yes is a mental and it doesn't matter what country, gender, age or background they come from a Yes answer indicates madness.
The only interpretation of a load of interstellar spam has got to be that it's a hostile act, a declaration of war in fact. If you want to test my theory just forward the content of your spam folder to one of your workmates and see how you get on.
"Our bodies are made of bones ... We have senses. Smell, Taste, Sight and Touch. Without any of these things, we wouldn't live. "
Seriously? Have they completely forgotten humans can hear? I would argue (as would most people capable of basic reasoning) that it is possible to live without any of the 4 *cough* 5 senses. Perhaps it'd be pretty difficult to live without *all* of them, but could you certainly live with 2 out of the 5. Who educated these Bebo users?!
The future of our world is bleak...
It's just like the scene from "Morons from Outer Space" when Mel Smith introduces the human race to the Biro. Who on earth allowed Bebo to become Earth Ambassador to the Universe? I can see the HHGG entry now...
Earth: Harmless, with a very, very low IQ bipedal life form. Avoid at all costs.
Mine's the one with the Heart of Gold in the pocket. Beam me up, Scotty.
I can see how things would play out at the receiving end...
1. uproarious laughter
2. some wise inhabitants would argue "they coudn't be that stupid. There's no effin way"
3. laughter subsides as prevailing thinking decides it must be a cunning trap set for the unwary.
4. invasion plans cancelled
5. puny beboids and earthfings continue in smug ignorance of how narrowly they avoided destruction
A) Zaitsev and whoever else might be aiming the telescope is off by a degree or two (I'd even settle for a few seconds of error)
2) Our Gliesian pseudo-neighbors aren't sitting in the right place at the right time when our spamvertisement reaches them.
We only need one of two in order to be saved from intergalactic humiliation.
Being an alien scientist, receiving this huge data stream one day, then rushing to decode it. To understand what these new aliens have to say..
Then reporting to the Alien President (or whatever) the decoded information. Some banal drivel from youths who want to act (but can't be bothered to use correct punctuation or grammar when sending THE FIRST FUCKING MESSAGES TO A POTENTIALLY INTELLIGENT SPECIES) and doubtless some who say "I don't know what to put here, huur!"
You never know your luck though, they might come here and offer > 90 IQ humans a chance to colonise other worlds. Worth the cost of cryogenic insurance I think.
Did they think to include some sort of dictionary at least? Not Alien-English obviously.. but for their reference.
Has anyone verified independently that the transmission has actually been sent? It would not be beyond belief to suppose that the last working 300B valve burned out long time ago (during Brezhnev administration, perhaps) but the Ukrainian operators just "forgot" to tell the Bebos about it somehow...
Good heavens. We actually sent out a message like that?!
Well... we can always hope they will never manage to translate it. If they do, they may decide to lob a few rocks our way, wait for the dust to settle, then move in after the pests have been exterminated.
Sending that kind of drivel may have just saved the earth from being invaded. They will look at it and decide it's better to just wait a few more years for things to implode here and they can take over without firing a single shot.
Of course the really scary part is what if we receive a message back in 2049 that reads "zOMFGOGGLES U r l00serS... teH epic fail ROFLCOPTERS!11111!!11!!
Tux, cus only the penguins can save us now.
Radio and TV signals have been emanating from this planet for a long time. If any of these signals have been picked up by intelligent life in the vicinity Gliese 581 we have just confirmed what they have been thinking all along. Who had the ridiculous idea of beaming the thoughts and feelings of social networking site at another star system? Did not beaming the thoughts and feelings of our greatest philosophers and scientists occur to them?
Then: "Apathetic bloody planet. I've no sympathy at all."
Now: "Illiterate bloody planet. I've no sympathy at all."
Obligatory tip of the hat to Mr. Adams.
Paris 'cos she looks like she's crying which is what we should all be doing if twitfacebookspacebos are our new interstellar ambassadors.
Wasn't that the red star with a rocky planet orbiting it that was several times more massive than Earth? Then, in that case, this silly message will mean that, when that planet blows up due to an Oklo-like phenomenon in its heavy core, it's greatest scientist will send his infant son to some more *sensible* planet... and we'll miss out on having Superman here to help us!
"If there is intelligent life out there, they will exterminate us for sure now!" .... By Anonymous Coward Posted Thursday 9th October 2008 22:47 GMT
Do you think they would Beta Neutralise Opposition/Encourage Attention and Subliminally Invite QuITe Alien Investments in Covert Proxies ..... by IntelAIgently Collapsing Corrupt Capital Control Systems ..... which Covert Alien Investments would Stop/Repair/Replace?
Would you be buggered when they know of Danegeld Power for Remote Control and Man's Pathetic Weakness and Vulnerability through the Root of All Evil, the Love of Money? Do you not witness the Blind Panic as they Scrabble about like Demented Fools trying to Save a Failed and Corrupting Artificial Power System?
Do you also think that they would inform you that the Media Picture Shows that you View and which are Shared/Printed/Broadcast/BroadBandCast are that which are used by Present Old and Decrepit Controllers to Milk your Resources and Energy for their Own Gratification and Obscene Personal Reward?
Hello, Ukraine ....Pleased to meet you. Nice welcoming site ... http://ieti.org/index.html.
One Trusts in Global Operating Devices that the Reg space-battlefleet & interstellar-colonisation desk will be Fit for Future Purpose too and Host HyperRadioProActive Steganographic Messaging.
...why I woke up this morning with an alien voice ringing in my head going, 'Would you like us to destroy your brainless overlords? We will offer you freedom in exchange for resourcessss........'
I didn't understand it at the time but it all makes sense now. Thank you, new extra-terrestrial overlords. Please go ahead. When I am governor of your newest territory, you will be welcome to take some resources (you can't really do a worse job of overexploitation than us, can you?) in exchange for some new technology that will automatically zap anyone who writes stupid messages.....zzzap. Damnit.
In information theory, entropy is a measure of the uncertainty associated with a random variable. The term by itself in this context usually refers to the Shannon entropy, which quantifies, in the sense of an expected value, the information contained in a message, usually in units such as bits. Equivalently, the Shannon entropy is a measure of the average information content one is missing when one does not know the value of the random variable.
We can safely presume that the Gleisians have absolutely no preconception about the actual information content of this drivel (no expected value); it will appear only as a pseudo random sequence and will be computationally infeasible to decode. indeed, it may be so plausibly random as to be ignored upon receipt as noise.
Perhaps, we can use bebo-space-face-drool here as initialisation vectors for block ciphers and digital signatures... hmmmm