back to article Illuminati spook fails to disarm Soviet cow nuke

A US Illuminati black op to seek, locate and disarm a Soviet nuke disguised as a blue plastic cow sculpture ended in failure when the special agent charged with the task got stuck in an air duct in Knoxville Museum of Art, and was obliged to call for traditional law enforcement assistance. Police mugshot of Richard Anthony …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ash tray

    Ash tray's of the outside variety come in a variety of forms.

    The free standing one will generally give you an extra two to three feet of assistance.

    The wall mounted ones, could give up to four.

    I know what you are thinking - unfair to midgets but hey you know what they say about smoking stunting your growth.

  2. mutt1170
    Black Helicopters

    "Repelled" from CH2 Huey?

    Surely any self-respecting pilot would have been repelled by him before he got anywhere near the aircraft?

    Guess the only thing Illuminati'd (geddit?) by this story is the intelligence of you average common or garden Knoxvillian villain (should that be a Knoxvillain?)

    Absolutley no IT angle, but as the arresting officer will attest - it's fun to laugh at loons.

    Called out to a museum break in at early o'clock - some Foulks have all the luck!!!

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    strangest story of the day

    I bet it is!

  4. Martin Sylvester

    Wall-mounted?

    Perhaps the "ash tray" was one of those wall mounted receptacles for smokers to leave their stubs in as they enter a building?

  5. amanfromMars Silver badge

    Real dDeep Package IntroSpection

    What an extraordinarily bizarre rendering of Psychosis.

  6. alan

    wtf!?

    wouldn't the illuminati just get god to do it? :)

    that guy has watched the davinci code a few too many times i fear

    why isnt he in guantanamo bay on terrorism charges? He said the magic words 'bomb', 'nuke'. anyone who wasn't obviously a total lunatic would be there by now..... :)

  7. TeeCee Gold badge
    Happy

    Ash tray.

    Probably not the ornamental glass tabletop object that immediately springs to mind, but the large "bin with an ashtray in the top" arrangement as seen outside most buildings since the health-kick nazis got their way.

    Bit of a late entry for teapot of the year from the Yanks there but, give 'em credit, it's a bloody high standard and worth waiting for.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ashtray

    They probably mean one of those smoker's bins you get outside, which are a few feet high. He probably climbed on top of that to reach the roof.

  9. Martin Sylvester

    Or maybe one of these...

    Movable cigarette butt pillar: http://www.belson.com/eass.htm

  10. ShaggyDoggy

    How old ?

    "25-year-old Richard Anthony Smith (pictured)"

    Maybe that pic was taken when he was 14

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Separated by a common language...

    I think "stood on an ash tray to get onto the stepped-design portion of the roof" means climbed onto the roof aided by one of those ashtray-bin-things you get outside buildings that you can't smoke inside; "climbed onto the roof" would have been a simpler phrase.

    Anyway, I'm not sure who's chain was being yanked during this caper, but entertaining anyway...

    Gotta love those Merkins!

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    .....ffs

    Knob.

    'nuff said.

    Blackhelicopter.. just in case...

  13. Lars
    IT Angle

    Works something like this...

    "* The police actually believe Smith "stood on an ash tray to get onto the stepped-design portion of the roof". No, we have no idea how that works, either."

    The roof has a part that goes relative close to the ground. Apparently he used an outdoor ash tray (usualy a small concrete or metal object partialy filled with sand) which are usualy fairly high 50-75cm I would guess. Thus allowing him to get to the roof. A somewhat more plausible explanation than the helicopter one....

  14. Elmer Phud
    Black Helicopters

    Should have sent in . . .

    . . .Tom Cruise, he wouldn't have had the 'getting stuck' problem.

    Could have called on Sky Pilot* Travolta for air support.

    *does this translate properly to US speak?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    Wasn't Director Womack...

    ...the name of FBI Director in the 1996 film The Rock?

    This guy needs showing to his padded cell quick smart. Nut job.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ashtray

    the ashtray in question will be one of those waist high jobs that you see dotted around outside.

  17. Lychee66

    What a

    _dickhead_

  18. Phil Hare
    Black Helicopters

    "Director Womak"

    If I remember correctly that's the name of the FBI director in "The Rock".

    Black helicopter for obvious reasons.

  19. Peter Simpson

    In the police report

    "Drug related: No"

    I find that difficult to believe.

  20. Bob Foster
    Black Helicopters

    Obvious cover up!

    "You know everyone is laughing about it, and obviously concerned about this guy and his well being and it was a serious situation and we had to handle it as such."

    Sure, so the high level call from Illuminati headquarters saying "mission abort, we need a cleanup squad" never happened?

    Even now this guy has probably been "disappeared" to face the Grand Master to explain his failure (Punishment will probably have something to do with a tank containing a Great White Shark or Piranah's ).

  21. David Webb
    Linux

    Happy Cow

    Someone has been playing Happy Cow map on Team Fortress 2 way too much!

    Penguin, because I know where I would hide a nuke!

  22. Solomon Grundy

    Ha

    Hahahaha. The world needs more Illuminati.

  23. Ze Stuart
    Alien

    Bad imagination

    What an unimaginative PFY, stealing character names from The Rock:

    FBI Director James Womack: http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0004306/

  24. Gareth

    Ashtray

    I assume they meant one of those free-standing, metal outdoor ashtrays rather than a standard pub dish...

  25. Joe Greene
    Coat

    They'll probably blame

    the GM who made up the storyline for some Friday night RPG.... Not the delusional twit who cannot separate reality from a game.....

  26. Peyton

    Outdoor ashtrays in the States

    Often are made of concrete and stand about, I dunno, 3 ft tall. I agree ash*tray* would be an odd word for them... maybe there is another, better word, but I don't know what it is as I don't smoke (ash recepticle? but bin? nothing comes to mind really)

  27. Vincent Ballard
    Alert

    MERV?

    You might want to add another [sic] to highlight the unusual abbreviation for Multiple Independent Re-entry Vehicles.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ashtray

    I suspect they are referring to the 3-4 foot (Approx. 1 to 1.3 meter) high version of the ashtray. These are generally placed near entrances, and contain a small tray of sand for cigarettes.

    It would be similiar to standing on a rather sturdy trash can to be able to reach a low portion of the roof.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    I know how it works!

    >" The police actually believe Smith "stood on an ash tray to get onto the stepped-design portion of the roof". "

    It works because it's one of those tall free-standing dust-bin height ashtrays that you get a lot of in public buildings.

    What I want to know is, is the guy just a psychotic fantasiser, or has someone perpetrated a massive RL troll on him? I think a red-dwarf quote is in order:

    Holly: We are talking Jape of the Decade. We are talking April, May, June,

    July, and August, fool.

  30. Sebastien Mongrain

    MERV?

    "MERV6SS-22AN warhead, with 14.5 kg of enriched uranium and a plutonium trigger, capable of delivering a 40-kiloton yield"

    Isn't that a line out of True Lies?

  31. yeah, right.
    Coat

    Illuminati

    That'll be the Boy Scouts taking over the Bavarian Illuminati with money from the Gnomes of Zurich and Servants of Cthulu then.

    Mine's the one with the lack of sanity.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So you are trapped in a shaft

    well and truley shafted - you got to have some explanation. And you do have time on your hands to come up with something.

    Not sure the illuminati approach was the best one, perhaps got lost on the way to the toilet would have been better.

    At least this one keeps them guessing :)

  33. Secretgeek
    Black Helicopters

    Re: 'Director Womack'

    I actually have it on good authority that the Illuminati in question, Director Womack, is none other than Cecil D. Womack of 'Womack and Womack' fame. I understand that his wife Linda Womack heads UK's Swindon office - Illuminati 'r' us.

    In fact, their hit single 'Teardrops' contains a subliminal message to instill in all junior Illuminati a complete and total fear of helicopters - hence 'repelled from a huey'

    Wibble.

  34. amanfromMars Silver badge
    Pirate

    A See Change and the Alamo Siege Lifted?

    "That'll be the Boy Scouts taking over the Bavarian Illuminati with money from the Gnomes of Zurich and Servants of Cthulu then.

    Mine's the one with the lack of sanity." ... By yeah, right. Posted Thursday 18th September 2008 13:47 GMT

    That'll be that Post Moderh Cthulhu, would it? Now that they've finally discovered the text flaw which gives new context ....... with "One particularly notable instance is in his his prose-poem Nyarlathotep, where the named avatar of cosmic oblivion takes the human form of an arabic mystic who demonstrates the power of forbidden lore using projected images and energy on a lecture tour" being refreshed with "One particularly notable instance is in his his prose-poem Nyarlathotep, where the named avatar of cosmic oblivion takes the human form of an arabic mystic who demonstrates the power of fore bidding love using projected images and energy on a lecture tour"

    Mine's the one in Sanity ...... SurReal Benificent Madness for Shared Bounty and Endless Profit.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    No Darwin Award

    what a shame. He's hoping he does better on his next mission; although i'm sure he will make someone a nice girlfriend in prison.

  36. amanfromMars Silver badge

    Humble Apologies and where are the Meds?

    I do apologise for not attributing the quoted text in "A See Change and the Alamo Siege Lifted?" and do hereby provided the Source Link ...... http://www.necronomi.com/projects/binladen/

    I particularly enjoyed the kicker right at the end ... "The preceding is intended entirely as a work of humor. Any literal conclusion derived from it is a strong indication that you need a licensed therapist." :-)

    Kettle black calling pot? And as for humour, it hardly even raised a smile let alone a titter.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Gates Halo

    Stepped Roof (Here's a pic...)

    Take a look at: http://www.knoxart.org/images/building_credit.jpg

    You might notice the "steps" up the right side of the building. I don't see a door at the top and since this is an art museum it might just be artistic license in the building design (would that make it architectural licenses?).

    Not that the architecture of the building or hypothetical ashtrays really matter. What is so inconceivable about a helicopter drop onto a building within easy view of an interstate?

    I'm sure you doubters are all a bunch of twats who believe that men have set foot on the moon and that cows aren't actually our superluminal overloards. You're all a bunch of crazy bastards. Especially you Brit'tards from across the pond -ya'll talk funny.

    Bill - Because he is the second coming and will lead all of us true M$ believers up to Nirvana during the rapture. (Although I'm still confused how heaven can be a spiritual state and a rock band at the same time. Although it may be that Kurt had to go there ahead of us to prepare things for our Lord Bill.

  38. Stuart Elliott
    Coat

    Richard Anthony Smith

    What is it with all these Dick Smiths? Does he have a mobile phone with smutty pictures too ?

  39. Dalen
    Black Helicopters

    Hail Eris!

    Looks like _our_ mission of compromising the Illuminati mission was a success.

    All hail Discordia!

  40. Francis Boyle Silver badge

    @ amanfromMars

    Three posts. Do you know something about this we don't?

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Repell?

    I know this first looks like an error, but consider that you can't rapell from a helo (you need a wall), and this is the Illuminati we're talking about. He may well have been equipped with Casimir force anti-grav boots, in which case repelled is correct.

  42. Bounty
    Pirate

    Amen from Mars

    Klatu Verata Niahemanem

  43. Evil_Medic
    Boffin

    @ Sebastien Mongrain and AC

    Yeah, my thought was the awesome True Lies quote as well.

    and AC: You'e right about not rapelling without a wall, however he could deploy by sliding down a "fast rope"-no harness or cabriners needed.

  44. call me scruffy
    Pirate

    We really need a new award,

    Most contrivedly stupid American of the year, we could retrospectively accord Star Simpson, (Or Putty, Breadboard, Boston-Airport fame) the 2007 gong.

  45. William Doohan
    Joke

    We...are everywhere

    Well, our first retard/agent may not have diffused the soviet cowbomb but we have more....many more. Buhahahahahahha!!!!!!!!

  46. Chris G Silver badge

    Been there, done that

    Abseiling needs a wall (of rock etc), rapelling is what you do out of a chopper, in for instance, heli-born assault .

    Why would the Illuminati give a damn about an exploding cow? Even a nuclear one.

  47. Tim
    Stop

    @Been there, done that

    So have I. No you don't need a wall.

    Abseiling = Rapelling two words mean the same thing.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rappelling

    photos of Abseiling some without a wall.

    http://www.egos.co.za/scripts/prodview.asp?idproduct=18

  48. Steven Holmquist
    Thumb Up

    I'm surprised that only one person picked up on this

    The description he gave of the warhead was the same line used in "True Lies". I wonder what other movies he'll quote when he comes up for trial? Some suggestions for him:

    "We're on a mission from God", - Blues Brothers

    "The Truth? You can't handle the truth!, - A few good men

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